


Slightly Broken

by JessicaDoom



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complete, Eating Disorders, Happy Ending, Love/Hate, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mild Kink, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Character Death, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-06 13:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 166,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1107407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessicaDoom/pseuds/JessicaDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be easy. Simple. The deal with Scorpius Malfoy was supposed to provide comfort for Albus and a relief for the other man. But feelings and love.... They can often complicate things. And when two young men are ill equipped at handling them, the outcome is bound to be messy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I came up with this idea the other morning, and I'm loving it! Please leave comments - I love them!

"You look... Fuck, you look sexy tonight."

_Not again. This is definitely not happening again._

"Let's skip dessert. I just wanna get you to back to my place."

_Yeah, that's romantic. I don't think I could ever ask for more in a relationship that this stunning display of affection. Oh, so touched._

"Strip for me. You know you want to, you little slag…."

 _Slag? That_ really _makes me want to jump in bed with you now!_

"Just shut up and take it like a man, Potter."

_Like a man? A man now takes it up the ass without question after the shittiest date of his life? Wow, I wasn't aware._

… _But if I have to, I will. We've already gone this far, right? And it's expected. Besides…this could be the thing that saves this date. A good lay._

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Albus Severus Potter rested his head back against his seat on the Hogwarts Express. It had been nearly a month since his last date, but he just couldn't shake it from his mind. It had been…an absolute wreck. He'd done the walk of shame the day after for the third time that month and had never felt more humiliated in his life. Mostly because he was pretty sure he had lost whatever shred of dignity he'd had left in that high-class apartment that practically  _reeked_  of Daddy's Pureblood money.

"Hey, you never told me what happened with Aubadon. Is he letting you call him 'Auby' yet?" Rose Weasley threw a saucy, little wink over to her cousin, who also doubled as her best friend. They were close and they told each other anything. Which was why it was a huge surprise to her that he hadn't yet gushed over his date with a guy he hadn't been able to shut up about before the start of summer.

"No. He insisted I call him 'Mr. Zabini, sir' the entire time he was plowing me," Albus spat, his voice dripping venom and hate. It was clear in every syllable he uttered that he had definitely  _not_  had a good experience with the once-upon-a-time man of his dreams. "And when I left, I insisted upon calling him 'Goodbye, Asshole'."

The girl seated across from him frowned, unable to decipher what exactly it was that she was supposed to say here. She flicked her brilliant crop of red hair over her shoulder, wanting it out of her heart-shaped face as she thought. Those eyes, deep blue as the lake they were currently crossing, scanned every inch of her cousin's face for hidden emotions. Albus was good at that – tucking away what he was feeling so he could seem tougher. She knew why he did it, too. Growing up with a brother as intimidating as James could do that to a boy. Perching on the edge of her seat, Rose leaned in to gently touch the other's shoulder. She didn't dare touch him more for fear of having him close down entirely. "Are you feeling ready to talk about it…?" she pried gently, her other hand coming up to close over her subtly revealing chest through her hardly-buttoned blouse. This was more for Al's sake than her own. It was a long-standing pet-peeve of his that she showed her rather fully blossomed breasts at any chance she could. And seeing that she wasn't bothering to cover up in the wake of his devastation could distract him from the actual subject at hand.

Full of drama and obvious hurt, Albus sighed and threw his hands up in the air. What was he supposed to say?! "It was all I wanted all last year! All I wanted was for Aubadon Zabini to notice me! I wanted him to look at me and think 'Hey, I want to make that boy mine!'. But this…. It didn't happen the way I wanted it to, okay? That's all I know, Rose. I expected it to be beautiful and romantic and like…a slow courtship and whatever. But it wasn't. All throughout the date, he was handsy under the table. He whispered about how much he just wanted to take me on the table. And…and I still went home with him! Even after he called me a fucking whore, basically, I  _still_  let him  _fuck_  me! I didn't want to…but I let him! I was depressed and I wanted  _something_  to be good from that stupid night! But it  _wasn't_! It was painful and depressing and he kept calling me names and spanking me and…. It was just like the other two dates from this summer – miserable.

"I am a fucking waste of space. …and a slut."

A small keening noise closed over the silence left in the wake of Albus' words. Rose wasn't really sure what to say to that…. This was more than she had expected to be dispelled. It was a rush of pathetic and rage and shattered pieces of a heart that just tore her to shreds. "Allie…," she intoned softly, launching herself off of her seat and into Albus' lap. She had her arms wound so tightly around him; he wouldn't have been able to push her off if he'd tried. And try he did. But her arms held steadfast and her reassuring stream of words never ceased.

Until the boy's hands finally wedged under her arms and forced her back into her own seat, that pathetic frown still on her lips. "Stop!" Albus nearly shouted, pushing his hair out of his face and trying to remain composed. Yes, he was hurting. Yes, he was a bit shattered. And, yes, he just wanted to hide in a hole for the rest of his life rather than go back to school for their last and hardest year. But these weren't options. He had to be strong, and he had to reassure everyone that he was fine.

Because he would be. Eventually.

"I'm fine, Rose." His words sounded forced and fake, but he ploughed on. If he could get it out, he could believe it himself. "I just want to get past this…and focus on this year. We graduate in nine months and…and that's all I really want to think about. I've had enough…bad dates and desperate fucks to last a few years. So…please, don't try to fix this. Because I know you will if I don't expressly bar you from it."

Though Albus had tried his best to convince himself that the thing with Zabini had been fine and dandy in the end, he knew somewhere on the surface that he was lying. It was hard to fool yourself completely, after all.

It also was a bit hard to trick your dreams into believing your lies. Dreams were a special sort of evil that rooted into your deepest and darkest secrets to bring things to the surface that you wished you could just let alone. And it was in his dreams that the boy had come to actually regret the way he had spent his summer.

These dreams kept replaying the moments of lapsed judgment over and over again. Three separate occasions of reckless abandon that he had enjoyed for the moment of release and hated the rest of the time. Three times he could have readily said 'no', and  _should_  have, but didn't. The harsh fucks in the dark with fumbled kisses and a lack of kind words. There was no denying it; he had actually liked being taken so forcefully. But this took a backseat to the  _need_  he had to be loved. He found himself longing the entire time to have waited with all of this intimacy until he'd found 'the one'. He hadn't waited, however, at the first part of the summer to give up that small part of him that should have been locked away tightly. And it had all tumbled downhill from there….

Albus could only blame himself and his incredible sex drive.

Today, just like every day in the month since he'd started his seventh year at Hogwarts, Albus awoke in tears. He was grateful for the drapes that hung around him and that he'd learned to close them before going to sleep. Starting your mornings with a good sob-fest was not an indication of sanity in a teenage boy, he was sure. He didn't want to give the others in his dormitory the opportunity to point that out, either.

As his breathing calmed back to normal, the boy sat up in his bed. He took a deep inhalation of the stale, sealed-in air around him, satisfied with the homely smell of his own things and his own body. He was alone, and right now that felt more comforting than anything. He wasn't waking up sharing this bed with a man he'd hoped could bring love into his life before he'd shattered what was left of his heart. He wasn't waking up with a soreness that could only remind him of the shame he'd brought to himself the night previous. And he most definitely wasn't waking up with the worst ache to his chest that he'd ever experienced.

If he kept playing his cards right, maybe that would never happen to him again. But for that, he'd have to stop acting like an irrational idiot and just...settle. Maybe he should just stop looking for love and that could fix all of his problems.

A snort of derision preceded his action of basically tearing his curtains to the side. He looked around the dorm, scanning all five of the other beds shrouded in reds and golds subdued by the faint light of early dawn. Not a single one of the other Gryffindor seventh year boys were awake, causing a frown to split Al's lips as he reached for his watch.

Seven-thirty...

Anything before eight was considered damnable to these boys, so everything clicked back into reason easily. Only a small smile on his lips, Al raised himself up and stretched, the hem of his pajama shirt raising up to reveal a small section of slightly tanned muscle. The only other article of clothing he wore was a simple pair of navy boxer shorts that accentuated his Quidditch-toned frame just right. And though it might look like he had severe bed-head, Albus finished off his deliriously attractive physique with a crop of rich black hair that was always tousled in just the right way.

 _It's no wonder_ , he couldn't help but to think as he rummaged silently around in his trunk.  _If I wasn't this good looking...they may want to love me more than fuck me._

It was a vain thing to think, but he'd been told it ever since he could recall. Girls and boys alike had been pointing out how gorgeous and tempting he was for years now. Ever since it was acceptable for someone to lust after him. And before that, there had always been these small remarks to his mother on how beautiful a baby she had. Lily and James were never talked about as much as he was - but maybe that was because he was practically a carbon-copy of his father.

The great savior of the wizarding world!

With a roll of the eyes, Albus shucked off his clothes before pulling on a fresh set of school robes. He didn't even bother to check the room and make sure no one was awake. He wasn't ashamed of how he looked, there being no reason for it. Even if the rest of the boys had been awake, he still wouldn't be abashed to change in front of them as they would have. He just...had no shame. And he wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not...

"Why are you always up so fuckin' early?"

Only slightly startled, Albus looked up at the bed directly behind his. His eyebrow was raised and he was halfway through zipping up his trousers. "Maybe because I have drive and ambition, Frankie Shlongbottom." He flashed a heart-stopping wink before finishing dressing and going to sit on the edge of the other's bed to pull on his shoes. "Unlike you?"

The boy, whose pale cheeks had a slight roundness to them that he'd come to grow in to, reached out to lazily push at his friend's shoulder. He couldn't be bothered to stand up for himself because, in fact, it was true. No one wanted anything more than Al's overall desire for everyday life. Anyone who couldn't believe that was just deluding themselves.

"Get dressed. I want breakfast and I don't want to go down alone."

Frank nodded and got out of bed, signaling for a minute of patience as he grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom. He hadn't questioned Albus' need to have a friend at his side. After six years of sharing a dormitory room, it was common knowledge that this boy was never alone. No one knew why, and it was possible that no one cared. He was just…always by someone's side.

No doubt there was some sort of deep, pathological need that he had for constant attention. But it wasn't something he put much focus on. It was what it was.

He felt absolutely helpless without company.

"Looks like partner projects start today," Frank said under his breath, nodding to a list of potions on the chalkboard as they entered the Potions classroom. "You'll be my partner, right? I don't think I can pass this if I get paired with…someone else." Eyes widening, he looked pointedly over at the table they were making their way to. There sat Albus' cousin Rose along with a pair of blonde boys with dreamy eyes – the Scamander twins. And the someone else that his friend was referring to was most definitely not either Lorcan or Lysander. Rose's skill in potions was the worst in the class, with Frank's seconding close behind.

Rolling his eyes, Albus made his way to the table and settled himself easily onto a stool. "Sure, Frankie. I'll work with you," he said, making a point to be heard by Rose so there would be no qualms later.

Clearly she had heard as he let out a small moan of distress. "Seriously, Allie? Who am I supposed to work with, then?" She crossed her arms over her chest again, the signature signal for when she was trying to get her way. With most boys, the obvious reveal of her large breasts through the opening of her unbuttoned uniform shirt was distracting enough to win them over.

Except Albus' trigger was most definitely not the female anatomy.

With a smirk and a casual shrug, Al nodded towards the door just as a tall boy with sickly pale skin, luminescent blonde hair, and a predatory slink to his step walked through it. "Malfoy always seems to be in need of a partner. Maybe your girlish whiles could work on him?"

Rose pulled an unpleasant face and tugged her robes around her chest. "Don't even. Malfoy is the  _last_  person on this earth I would sit next to, let alone work on a term-long project with.  _And_  he's-"

"Standing right beside you and can hear every word you say. Thanks, Weaslette." A dangerous whiff of a musky cologne mixed with…peppermint? overwhelmed Albus' senses as the blonde boy leaned in closer to their group at the side of their table. For a moment he found himself pleased with the scent, but the drawling voice in his ear brought him to a cringe. "You're lucky I don't take offense easily. For you, it's a good thing I've grown up hearing things like that aimed towards my family all my life. And that I expect them coming from  _your_  family." Scorpius put on a cloying smile before turning sharply on his heel and walking to the opposite end of the classroom.

For a moment, the small group at Albus' table said not a word. They didn't know what to say…. It seemed everyone had been surprised by the reality of getting caught.

Biting her lip, Rose let out a small, nervous giggle and waved it off like it was nothing. Inside she was still shaking a little bit, but she was good at putting up facades. She was a growing woman, after all. "What a jerk," she said, meaning to come out strong and resilient. But the pounding of her heart swayed her tone to being embarrassingly unstable.

Albus wanted to respond. He wanted to spew out a list of insults against Malfoy. There was so much he  _could_  have said, but there was no time. As he opened his mouth to speak, a glare poised on his self-righteous peer, a rather rotund man waddled through the door, closing it with conviction behind him.

"As I'm sure some of you have guessed, we start our first term project today! You will be working in pairs and you will be working on one rather lengthy, rather complicated potion until the middle of February." Every teenager turned in their seat to look for their partner, smiling knowingly to one another. But these hopes were quickly dispelled with Professor Slughorn's next sentence – " _I_  will be picking your partners." The man ignored all of the groans of protest, turning towards the chalkboard. "Your partners will be matched to your skill-set. The two of you will be working on a potion that is just slightly higher than what I know you can currently handle. What I want to see from this project is your progress. You will have to work alongside your partner both in and out of class to complete these potions. I'm not going to lie, quite a few of them  _will_  take a lot of time, especially if you make mistakes." He pointed to the list on the board, peeking back at the angry bunch that was his seventh year class. "This is a N.E.W.T. level class, children. All of these potions are required at this level. So I don't want to hear complaining. I also don't want anyone asking for new partners. In the adult world, you will have to work with people you don't like. Here is your chance to experience that."

Slughorn put on a small smile, and then pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket. From it he started to list off last names in pairs, starting with the Scamander twins. Following came Rose and Frank. The rest of the class was called out into pairs, as well, leaving Albus for last. And he had been listening for who would be left, which had his face falling before he had even heard the name. Slowly, his gaze travelled over to the other side of the room and landed on the person he knew no one in this class wanted to work with – Scorpius Malfoy.

Those eyes of silver darkened dangerously as he realized it as well, looking over to share the look of hatred. Between them burned someone so intense it could only be a mutual lust for one another's head on a silver platter. So…why exactly was it that Slughorn thought it a good idea for them to work together on this?

Albus' fists clenched as he broke the uncomfortable look and turned towards Rose and Frank. "What is he thinking?!" he hissed, vaguely hearing the call for partners to sit together. "We'll kill each other by the end!"

"Maybe that's the point," Frank said softly, avoiding looking at his friend out of shame and using a tone that was less than sympathetic. "Look, you can't let him sit here, Al. You…you gotta go over there."

_What?_

Nevermind having to work with this absolute jerk. This…this pig-headed, self-righteous, narcissistic asshole! But his friends wouldn't even allow him to sit by them for  _his_  support?! In a huff, his jaw squared and his fists clenched around his things, Albus stood and stormed over to Scorpius' otherwise empty table. On the way, he allowed his bag to thunk into both Frank and Rose's heads with absolutely no remorse. He'd properly chew them out later, but for now their cries of protest would have to do.

"Don't look so enthused to work with me."

Albus refused to look up at the other boy. He narrowed his eyes down at the wood of the table and nervously drummed his fingers upon his thigh. If he gave the other the satisfaction of responding, Scorpius would have the upper hand. He couldn't allow that or the next few months would be hell.

"Fine, don't speak to me. No skin off my back." He could  _hear_  the Malfoy sneer in his voice, a fact which made Albus grit his teeth in order to try and drown it out. "However, it may be easier to get through this project with good marks if you do speak a little to me. It's not like it will kill you..."

The pair sat in complete silence for the next few minutes, Scorpius' eyes following Slughorn around the classroom, and Albus still focused on the table. It wasn't until the plumply man hobbled over to them that any words were shared within their small radius.

"And lastly, my greatest group. I'm actually rather fond of this pairing."

"I'm glad someone is...," Albus muttered under his breath.

The Potions Master didn't miss a beat, unfazed or unaware of what the boy had said. "There's quite a bit if potential here. I expect a lot from this group. And that's why I'm giving you the hardest brew of them all." The man waved over the the chalkboard where every potion had been crossed off but one.

Albus squinted at it and read out loud, "The Fertility Salve?"

With a nod, Slughorn set a book the size of a small novel down in front of them. Both boys' eyes went wide and they reached for it at the same time. The instant his hand touched Scorpius', Albus shrank back as if he'd been burned. An electric shock had flown straight through him that he couldn't quite describe or understand. He didn't want to dwell on it and therefore shoved the feeling from his mind. He, instead, just sat resilient in his chair and watched his partner open the book.

"This takes...ages and countless long days to brew," Scorpius spoke softly, his voice gentle and actually tolerable when around professors, apparently. "My father brewed a batch once and...I never saw him." He let out a mirthless wind of a laugh. "What makes you think we can handle this?"

There are two of you and you are quite possibly the most brilliant wizards of your year. Quite possibly the most brilliant I've seen in years. Put your heads together and you can handle this!" With a sly smile, the man walked away and left the other two to simultaneously stare at their manual in silence. Shocked.

"He...he's right..."

Finally, Albus managed half a look in Scorpius' general direction. He frowned at him, peeking over into that book that looked like hell in word form. "What...what do you mean...?" he questioned uncertainly, still not losing the bite to his tone.

With a shrug, Scorpius set the book on the tabletop and slid it between them. He flipped through the pages, looking up at his partner. "We could do this. With the two of us going at it, it wouldn't be all that complicated. Just...time consuming."

_Which means spending a lot of time with this pretentious dick. Is that something I really want? Then again, is it something I have the power to fight?_

With a sigh, Al gave in and leaned in closer to the book. He studied the steps, then flipped a few pages back to examine the ingredients list. It did look like it could be alright... "Fine, then," he said softly. "I'll do it. But, uh...what exactly does this potion do? I'm not familiar with it and if we'll be brewing it, I should know what it does. Right?"

There was a moment where the blonde boy seemed to just stare at the brunette, trying understand him. Maybe trying to figure out if he was serious or not. Or maybe just trying to understand his behaviors. Whatever it was, it made Albus squirm uncomfortably and shiver before averting his own eyes again. "It's used as a last-ditch effort to conceive children in couples who may he having...issues. The salve works as a lubricant that gets spread over the 'father's penis. When he penetrates and their fluids mix...it is supposed to help guide the process of fertilization. I'm told it works very well, actually. Especially in homosexual couples."

Scorpius' casual mention of homosexuality was very nonchalant. But something about the way his eye twinkled or something said that he knew something. It seemed to say, " _You know, for your future sex life and all._ "

Blushing, Albus turned away from the Slytherin boy altogether. Had he guessed? Had someone told him? Did he think himself superior because of it now? Or was he himself just imagining that look...?

The rest of the class went by rather quietly for this pair of partners. Albus didn't want to acknowledge the other anymore, small fears eating at his insides. And Scorpius was rather content to just devour the lengthy potion-making process. Before either of them knew it, the bell rang to signal the end of class. Both boys jumped up rather quickly and gathered their things, heading for the door to escape this nightmare and try to put it behind them for the moment.

Or that was what Albus intended, anyway.

Scorpius' didn't seem to care as much for he, on the way out, grabbed the Gryffindor boy's elbow and stopped him to say just loud enough for him to hear, "We should work up a schedule for this potion. I'll meet you in the library after dinner. And...Aubadon said you left something at his place. I'll give it to you then."

As Scorpius pulled away, that smug look settled onto those perfectly pink pouts, Albus could literally feel the world crashing around him. His heart stopped and he couldn't breathe. Vaguely, he thought he heard a familiar voice, but through the drama of what the other had said, words were not something he could comprehend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter started off...good, then the middle was rough. Whatever. Read it, please? And I would LOVE it if I could have some comments left for me!!

A gentle, yet firm and adamant, shake to Albus' shoulder was what woke him. He could tell by the sore stiffness in that joint that someone had been trying to rouse him this way for quite awhile. Blinking his eyes rapidly, the boy looked up and around to try and determine his surroundings. To try and get an understanding of where he was and what was going on.

"Albus!"

The girlish shriek directly in his ear was enough to finish waking him. Albus flinched, shrinking back against the harsh coldness of the floor and reaching up to find the source of the voice. Once he located the gloss-slicked lips, he closed his palm firmly over them. His reprieve came instantly and now all he could hear was a muffled protest and a low, rumbling chuckle. "Please stop shouting, Rose..."

The room he was in came quickly into focus. He was currently staring up at a the familiar draping over his four-poster bed. The dulled gold and crimson did wonders to soothe his rapid heartbeat and he even managed a small smile. It was this that allowed him to shift his focus to his right-hand side, following the line of his arm towards the offending mouth.

Rose looked angry. Her brown eyes were flashing dangerously, even as Al rolled his own mossy ones. Slowly, he dropped his fingers, giving her a look that warned against more screeching. "I'm allowed to be worried, Albus! You've been out for nearly an hour!"

_An hour?_  Albus couldn't even remember passing out, let alone imagine having been in such a state for an hour. Why would he have...?

It was as he was turning to look at the other side of his bed, spotting Frank's nervous smile, that everything crashed down upon him. He sat up violently, pulling his hands up to press into his eyes to violently erase the image of a smirking Scorpius Malfoy looming before them. He remember now why he'd fainted. It wasn't a very good reason, but he wasn't trying to rationalize it at this point. He wasn't sure he'd be able to make sense of it, anyway.

"Y'alright, mate?" Frank questioned, throwing Rose a look of concern. Neither of them knew what was going on inside Albus' head, but they had to guess it wasn't good. He wasn't usually the type to just black out for no apparent reason. Both of them were now starting to regret their decision not to bring him to the hospital wing.

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm fine," the brunette said quietly, looking between his friends. The worry was plain on their faces and he knew he needed to say something quick to dispel it. "Uh...just got caught off-guard. Something Malfoy said..."

As they should have, both friends stiffened visibly. This was a great comfort to Albus as he felt a little more at ease with passing out like a complete ponce now. The mention that it was Malfoy's heightened his friends' alarm and now he felt as if he could actually tell them what happened.

But he would do so on his terms - relaxed and in a way that conveyed no unease whatsoever. Wiping away the grogginess from his eyes, Al pushed himself to a sitting position, then off the bed. "Look...it's not like I'm trying to hide who I'm attracted to or what gender I sleep with...," he said quietly, moving over to the bathroom in the dormitory. Save for his words, the room was quiet. No doubt everyone else was going to their classes. He pushed aside the concern that he should be as well and was content to be satisfied with the time alone. Clearly he had some things to work through.

The boy entered the bathroom, but left the door open so that the other two could still hear and see him as he washed off his face. The cool water cleared off the rest of the sleep-fuzzies addling his brain. "But I was a bit caught off guard...that Malfoy knows I slept with Zabini. And that he mentioned it so casually..."

"They're friends," Rose said instantly, moving from her position at the bedside for favor of sitting upon the mattress. "Of course Zabini would tell him. I'm not saying I approve of him speaking about it...but I'm not surprised, either."

Albus returned a moment later, arms crossed and eyes narrowed in defiance. He understood what his cousin was saying, but he still didn't like it. He just...couldn't shake that feeling he'd had when Malfoy had looked at him with that knowing gleam in his eye. It crushed his windpipe into submission, ceasing all breathing. It shocked his heart into not beating. Why? Why was he affected like this by some deliberate mention of his latest heartbreak? By someone he disliked to the core, nonetheless.

He had never cared what Scorpius thought of him. So why did he now?

Albus found himself extremely wary of going to the library that night. He wasn't sure he wanted to face Malfoy with his smug grin and his unquestionable knowledge. If Aubadon had told him one thing, he'd told him everything. Slytherins tended to be a bit chatty and...boastful. When they had something they were proud of or knew was a great accomplishment, they shared. And if sleeping with one of the Potter children wasn't worth bragging over, he wasn't sure what was.

It was mostly the fear of the other boy taunting him over his fresh wound that kept Al sitting in an abandoned classroom near the library, watching an old piece of parchment studiously. He crunched a bite out of his apple, eyes scanning the moving figures in the section labeled as the library. There weren't many, considering it was Friday and most students didn't like to study with the excitement of the pending weekend. Apart from the old, batty Madame Pince there were only four bodies. Three of them he couldn't have cared less about. It was the fourth, though, that had his heart pounding nervously.

He didn't like how out of control this was making him.

What he didn't like even more was just how calm Scorpius Malfoy seemed on the Marauder's Map. He just sat there at that table, even though dinner had officially ended half an hour ago and he was now technically late, cool as a cucumber and seemingly hard at work. How could he just...go on unfazed like that?! Shouldn't he be all in an uproar that it looked as if Albus was standing him up?

Sighing, the Gryffindor tossed his apple to a dark corner of the room and slipped the map back into his bag. The map that he had found in his father's things years ago. The map that had come quite in handy once he'd figured out how to use it. The map that allowed him to sneak around undetected in the middle of the night. The map that showed him places he could never dream of. The map that had first clued him into how Rose spent her time away from him. And the map that hr used in combination with the invisibility cloak James had finally relinquished to him to watch the prefect boys take their baths last year...

In essence, the Marauder's Map was like a good friend to him. When he had it in his hands, he didn't feel the need to be around someone. Studying it, besides sleep and shower time, was the only time he was content to be alone. Because he wasn't really  _alone_ , not with all of the little name scribbles floating around in the tattered pages. Not when he knee just where everyone in the castle was at that moment.

Before Albus knew it, his feet had unknowingly carried him out of the classroom and towards the library. He looked up at the door, giving himself one more moment to back out. Just to have the option. In the end, however, he pushed open the door and entered, heading for where he'd seen Scorpius on the map.

"Get distracted...?"

With a startled jump, Al set his bag onto the table. He gave himself the permission to look at the other boy, but only for a moment. He looked the same as ever - blonde, pale, and smug. Except...not smug in the way he usually did. It wasn't so flaunting and outward. Then again, here he wasn't really looking to impress anyone. His aire was almost...relaxed and teasing. Did he have the capacity for teasing?

With a small, almost nervous, nod, Albus sat down directly across from the Slytherin. "Sorry." He looked down now at the piece of parchment Malfoy had out beside the instruction book for the potion. "How...how's the schedule coming?" he asked quietly. His voice shook just a little bit, betraying just how much he lacked confidence right now. Why? What was he so nervous about exactly?

Scorpius didn't answer right off the bat. He instead reached down into his own bag, eyes never leaving the page he was reading. When he came back up, Albus was completely entranced, waiting to hear what he was going to say. For some reason he found himself waiting on bated breath for this guy and it just didn't add up….

"Here."

Albus shifted the focus of his gaze to the hand outstretched to him – instead of watching the way the long blonde locks fell into the other's studious, grey eyes. It took a moment for him to process what exactly was being held towards him. He had to actually physically hold the item before he fully understood it. "This is my…. My…." With a chuckle, he shook his head and turned the small silver band over in his fingers. It shouldn't have come as such a surprise to see the ring; after all he was aware that he had left it at Zabini's place. He had just thought he'd never see it again. He'd put it out of his mind and given up hope because he never wanted to see that man again. But here it was! The piece of jewelry shining like a beautiful beacon in his palm. He slipped it onto his finger with a bright, happy smile, which he then aimed up at Scorpius without hesitation. "Thank you.  _So_  much." For the first time, he found himself looking at the Slytherin with a grateful attitude. "This ring…it means a lot to me. Thank you."

As his fingers traced over the small, red gems, he felt his eyes starting to glaze over with tears. He wasn't sure if he was crying out of happiness or what. All he knew was that the boy across from him was staring like he had just sprouted another head. "It's…. It's nothing. I figured it wasn't his type and it should probably be returned. It's not real silver, anyway. Don't know why you'd bother…."

Biting his lip, Albus shrugged and sniffed away his tears while slipping the ring onto his finger. "To me, it's the world. I don't care what it's made of…. Nevermind, you wouldn't understand." He snorted.

An action he instantly regretted the moment that steely look flashed over Scorpius' eyes. He knew he'd said something wrong. He'd just made the assumption that the Malfoy boy didn't appreciate anything but money. Which might have been true…but that wasn't something a person says to a person like that.

There was a long stretch of awkward silence between the two where Albus felt awkward and slightly scared and Scorpius worked studiously on writing. The tension in the air was thick and harsh and felt like prickly. Uncomfortable. So much so that Al actually considered walking away right now. It wasn't like he was of much help right now, anyway….

"I didn't peg you for it."

Albus frowned up at his partner for the project, not quite catching on. "…what? For what?" he asked quietly.

There was a condescending laugh that jolted the Gryffindor into scooting a little bit back in his chair. "For…for one of Aubadon's one night stands." The blonde slipped the piece of parchment into the book to hold his place before setting it aside. "Sure, you're a ponce and that's clear to see. But…you're the type of ponce that settles for that one true fuckin' soul, right? So what the hell were you doing with him? The Zabinis…they're not the type to settle down. Everyone knows that."

Suddenly Albus felt a strong urge to be the one working away. Anything would serve as a great distraction right now. There was no way he wanted to be having this conversation with someone he disliked so much. It was making his making his skin crawl. "Uh…." He shook his head, scratching at the prickly skin of his arm. "I didn't…. He asked me if…if I would go on a date. I just…. I thought maybe he could…that he would…." He shrugged and reached for the potion book.

"You thought he would go for you once he got a taste?" Scorpius let out a very un-Malfoy-like snort, reaching out to lay his hand over Al's on the book to stop his progress. "So you're one of those guys? The 'I know he'll come around; I can change him!' type? That I can believe…." He reached out with his other hand to grab the other's chin forcefully, pulling it up to look him in his brilliant emerald eyes. "Don't waste time on him," he whispered harshly, but with almost a tone of care behind it. "I've seen what it's like – waiting for him to come around. So…trust me. He's not worth it." He sneered again, any sentiment ebbing away from his features to return him to normal.

This was uncomfortable. This was…intimate and close and mawkish. Albus tried to wriggle out of the grip his face was in but found himself powerless. "O…okay," he said quietly, not brave enough to betray the shake of his timbre. "Thanks. Can…can we get to work again…? Please?"

_Or can we at least go somewhere more private…?_

His eyes snapped down to their hands touching, suddenly feeling like he was on fire. It was dangerous! They were stepping into very dangerous waters and Albus wasn't sure what was going to happen. He wasn't sure he wanted to find out, either. His thoughts were a horrible side effect to this…strange encounter they were having. The weird conversation and the unnecessary touching….

"Sure." Scorpius let go of the other's chin and pulled his hands away. "I didn't mean to make you feel…uncomfortable." He winked and that was the last of it. It was almost like nothing happened. Except for that wink that led to wandering thoughts.

Was that the purpose? Was that why he had winked? To get Al to think about him in unsavory ways? Why would he do that?

"You're gay, too." Albus said it on a breath, just as he'd realized it himself. "He fucked you, too." A small burble of a laugh came out, but it was more from disbelief than anything. The great Scorpius Malfoy liked to take it up the ass. And somehow that ruined his tough-guy, pristine exterior. It marred him and made him…almost on the same plane as himself.

But the question didn't faze the Slytherin in the way he had hoped. The blonde merely quirked a brow, violently grabbed back the book, and began studying it intently again. "Yes, he fucked me. It was…sloppy and experimental three years ago. And I won't ever do it again…. On that end." There was a small quirk to the corner of his lip that suggested a hidden smile. Maybe a fond emotion of remembrance. "Now that you know that wonderfully embarrassing part of me, feel free to spread the rumors as you wish. It's not as if many people respect me much as it stands."

There was a small pit of regret growing in the pit of Albus' belly. He wanted to apologize and pretend he hadn't heard any of this. That he had no idea what Scorpius' sex life was like. But there was a larger part that was curious more than anything. Curious if he had been in the same situation with Zabini once. Curious how that had shaped him now. Curious how many other boys he'd been with since. And curious to feel him on top. To see what he was like….

Nervously, Al ruffled at his already messy hair and shifted in his chair. This wasn't something he should be thinking about in such a public place. With such a person sitting right across from him…. "I should go. This is…. This…." He sighed and stood with a shake of the head. "I'm just gonna leave now."

"Suit yourself," the other snided, not at all bothered by his partner leaving. "And thanks for all of your help. I especially liked the part where you just sat there and prodded in on my sexuality."

There was no way to respond to that. Not any way where the Potter boy could retain his dignity. It was true, after all, and he couldn't justify why he had cared so much. "Right," was all he said before swiftly grabbing his bag and exiting the library. His feet were taking him as fast as they could while still keeping a walking pace. "Right...I'm a tosser. And I have no sense of control."

What had even happened in there? Albus had gotten nothing done. He showed up late, practically insulted his partner, and hadn't even contributed. This was possibly the least like him he'd ever been. School projects were where he usually thrived. But this one he hadn't brought to a good start so far. And he had absolutely no excuse for it.

"Stop."

The voice behind Albus wasn't necessarily loud or demanding. It was just there enough to catch his attention and cause him to do as the person asked. He halted his steps, staring down at his feet in slight shame.

"Why are you running away?" Scorpius' fluid voice housed a slight amount of concern. He placed a hand on the slightly-shorter boy's shoulder. "Are you scared that I'm like my friend?"

Despite the kind way the words were said, Al couldn't help but to find this Slytherin to be a bit…predatory. It was like he was fishing – using a lure to bring him in. It might have been working, too. There was a tug at those undeniable heartstrings of his to follow his words. To just go along blindly with whatever he wanted. And yet…he still had some sort of sensibility, didn't he?

Clearing his throat along with his head, the brunette turned around and took a step back from the other. He was even brave enough to look him in the eye for a moment. "No, I'm not," he said, his voice a little more confident than he'd thought he could muster at this point. What with his heart pounding in his ears and whatnot. "I know you're like your friend. I'm pretty sure all boys this age are. I've come to expect that by now. I'm not afraid of it."

Again, there was that smile that broke Scorpius' character. It was lascivious as one would expect, but something lingered behind it. "You're fucked up, aren't you, Potter?" he snarked, closing the space between them.

"Yeah, maybe. So what?" This time his voice was not so resilient. It was all dawning on him – this wasn't how partner projects were supposed to end up, this was someone he really could hate and should not be attracted to, he could smell the boy's breath, and he  _really_  wanted to close that gap to taste it. He looked down again, trying not to inhale any more than he had to.

And then there was no space between them.

It was all smashed lips and brick scraping exposed flesh. Rough and impersonal and teeth scraping lips for entry. Tongue slicked tongue in a heated desperation that was completely unmatched by anything Albus had experienced thus far. It was more than just sex emanating between them. It was passion and fucking  _understanding_. A trade – need for need. And it felt…great. For that moment it would, he knew. But he would regret this later. There was something that would bug him later. This was cold and distant, as much as it was fiery and sexy. And that was the part that would get the young Potter. He couldn't do this and feel the same way he had thrice over the summer. He just couldn't do that again.

No matter how good it felt to be pressed back into this dark corner with the outcast Scorpius Malfoy ravaging him, this still wasn't love.

Groaning, Al pushed against the blonde's chest. He made a small mental note that the muscles beneath his palms were  _fit_  as  _fuck_. But that was beside the point right now. The  _point_  was that he needed to end this. He pushed a little harder, using more force and causing Scorpius to stumble back a few steps in obvious surprise.

It was then that Albus made a break for it. For a Gryffindor, he had a pretty cowardly streak. This was one of those moments. Anxiety flooding his veins, he just…ran. He ran as fast as he could, as  _far_  as he could away from this boy. Away from a new, inevitable heartbreak.

Because that was undoubtedly how this would end. Again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a friendly reminder to please leave comments! They would mean the world to me <3

_"I know you're young and it will still be awhile before you can appreciate these, but..."_

_It was Christmas Day, 2012. Albus had been seven, his brother James nine, and their younger sister Lily five. It was true, all of them were very young. But they were also very smart for their ages. They weren't running around like their cousins, brandishing their gifts to anyone who would look. The Potter children were privileged, but they weren't spoilt. That was something Ginny and Harry never wanted. But they weren't ones to judge those in the family who didn't adhere to the same traditions._

_"I thought we got all our gifts, Mummy," Albus spoke gently from across the sitting room. He was nestled safely in Papa Arthur's lap, watching the new Christmas special of their favorite Muggle television show - Doctor Who. By then, it was swiftly becoming a tradition for the two, not matter how basic it might have been. His eyes sparkled with an entirely different light, now, however as the young boy stared at the small boxes his mother held._

_With an endearing smile, Ginny reached over with her free hand to grab her husband's. She squeezed it gently; lovingly. "We wanted to save these for last. They're very special. I want you to understand that above anything."_

_"Come, now, Ginny. They're children! All they want are toys to play with. Just give them their present and let them do with it what they want!" Harry smiled down at the children, attempting to settle the worry of breaking expectations clear on their faces._

_Something Albus hadn't really understood passed between his parents then. It was a look they shared where they seemed to be speaking silently to one another. He had giggled, but it was wasn't really a funny occurrence. It was something like hate and screams they were holding back with just the tips of their teeth._

_"Fine," Ginny said on a small, restrained whisper after a few moments. She passed out the small boxes to her three children, then sat back and crossed her arms to mentally protect herself. "Go ahead. Open them, then."_

_The children wasted no time on making sure their mother was okay. They were young, after all. They ripped open the packaging eagerly and stared down at the jewelry boxes in confusion, then shared those looks with their siblings. "What are they?" James asked quietly, lifting the lid on his and revealing a gorgeous silver ring with small citrine stones laid out on a line, broken up by diamonds every other gem. "Rings?"_

_"They're promise rings," Harry explained patiently, though it was rather obvious that he wasn't fond of this gift choice. "Your mother picked them out. Each of yours has your birth stone...and they're not real silver or real diamonds. But she wanted you to have them... Even though you'll probably lose them right away."_

_Anger slipping into her features, Ginny cut her husband a look. "We'll keep them in a safe place for you until you're old enough," she said firmly, eyeing the way Lily was picking at the peridot gems on her band. "I just... I saw them and I thought they were beautiful. When you're older, they should be something special to you. I want them to be a reminder of a promise to wait for love. When you're older, you can give them away to your love and it should remind you both to wait..." She looked over at Harry who was now smirking almost haughtily. "Stop looking at me like that!"_

_"Mummy, what are we waiting for? I'm confused..."_

_"I told you, Gin! They're too young!" Rolling his eyes rather dramatically, Harry slipped out of his chair and knelt down next to his children. "One day you'll understand, Albus. You all will." Smiling fondly, the man held out his hand for the boxes. "But for now, how about we keep ahold of them. Okay?"_

_James was the first to give to his ring. "Okay!" was all he said before getting up and running off to join the rest of the children outside. He seemed more than eager to give rid of this present._

_Lily was next, shutting her box with a small bit of resentment before placing it in her father's hand. "Okay... It's pretty, though, Mummy." She smiled brilliantly, always the one to light up a room. She didn't run off, though. Sensing something of sadness in her mother's demeanor, she crawled up into her lap and snuggled up to her chest._

_Albus was last. He just kept staring down at the rubies in his ring, head cocked to the side. Albus was much more sentimental than his siblings and most of his cousins - even at this age. But it wasn't even that Ginny had seemed so happy and pleased with these gifts. The reason he kept holding on was deeper than that. It was a longing. He already loved this little piece of jewelry and what it stood for, even if he didn't quite understand it yet. And he_ vowed _that he would wait for whatever this love pertained to._

_"Can I keep it?" Al whispered breathlessly, looking up at his father with the most pleading of eyes. There was something unquenchable in them that opened a small window to his heart._

_Harry picked up on this straight away, a hint of a smile coming to his lips. He kept his voice down, as well, though so as not to let his wife hear that at least one of her children had appreciated the gift. He didn't want her to have the satisfaction. "Sure. I'll get you a chain for it until the band fits your finger." He leaned over, pressing a kiss to the boy's forehead. "Now go finish your show with Papa; I think the commercials are over."_

Over and over again, Albus turned his ring around in his fingers. Since that Christmas, he'd never stopped wearing it. Once he was big enough for it to fit his finger, he tossed the chain and let it remain on his finger. As far as he knew, he was the only one of his siblings to even know where it was right now.

After all, it had come to mean quite a bit to him. It was a reminder of the last Christmas before the tension of the divorce had started. It was the last Christmas Grandma Molly had allowed the television on for the holiday.

But above all, it signified a hope on love that his mother had hoped for. It had meant waiting for love to have sex. Until that Muggle boy had managed to charm him out of his clothes and comfort zone simultaneously at the beginning of the summer, that was. Even so, it still meant love and that was why it meant so much to Albus.

It was also why he was so willing to forget it existed once he'd left it at Zabini's place. His hope had been slightly dashed then. But now...

Sighing, the Potter boy fell back against his pillows. He slipped the ring back on his finger, unable to wipe away the small smile set onto his lips. Why he was smiling, he wasn't sure, but he knew it had something to do with Scorpius Malfoy. Something to do with the way that boy had kissed him the night before.

That kiss had kept him up all night. His body sagged and his eyes burned but he couldn't help but to not regret it. He knew that if he had fallen asleep, he would have dreamed of Malfoy. And he knew he couldn't risk that. Not if he wanted to get over the Slytherin before this even began.

"You  _do_ know what time it is, right, Al?"

"No clue," Albus answered in nothing more than a mumble. His mind was too distracted for normal tones or reading clocks.

The curtains around the four poster were pulled aside almost violently, revealing a blast of light and a rather shocked Frank Longbottom. He took in the sight of his best friend, still dressed in his robes from the day before and and looking like a ghost, his mouth open slightly agape. "What...is  _wrong_  with you?"

The words stung and they sounded more incredulous than worried. Albus winced, not able to meet the other's eyes. He merely sat up and rubbed at his own before planting his feet on the floor and standing slowly. "I'm fine," he said, the words slightly broken at the end by a yawn. "Just...didn't sleep well last night. Or, you know, at all..." He accompanied this very nonchalant statement with the action of dressing to show that it was no big deal.

Even though on the inside he was still absolutely freaking out!

"So if you weren't sleeping, what were you still doing in bed? It's nine and, in case you've forgotten, we have a match today. The first match of the year! That's kind of important?" Clearly, the though that his best friend had forgotten this disturbed Frank very much. The fact that he was staring at Albus like he had two heads was a great clue to that. "You  _know_ Lily will be pissed if you forgot! She'll give you a lecture about being on your best game and whatnot. And that's something nob-"

"Frankie!  _Merlin_ , I get it! Shut the fuck up." Rolling his eyes, Albus quickly dropped the Muggle clothing he had been about to don in favor of his red and gold Quidditch uniform. He slipped eagerly out of his old clothes and redressed before he'd even realized anything was amiss.

The silence was staggering when he did realize it, though. Slowly, his eyes rose to meet Frank's and he grimaced at the confusion and anger in them. "Obviously you're not fine," the other boy hissed and crossed his arms over his chest.

These friends never fought. Albus wasn't the fighting type to begin with. He didn't like to create conflict and that most likely stemmed from the constant conflict in his home growing up. So the fact that he had initiated this was surprising enough. He hung his head in shame and shook it slowly back and forth. There was no explanation for this...except for maybe the truth. Did he really want to reveal that, though?

"Come out with it, Al. It must be eating you up inside so...go on." Despite being mad at the other boy, Frank took a seat upon his bed and waited. He was a good friend - more Hufflepuff than Gryffindor, most thought - and that's why Albus adored him so much.

Tying his robes closed, Albus shrugged and avoided looking at Frank. "I…. I don't even know where to begin, Frankie!" he sighed heavily. He really didn't. How was he supposed to tell his  _best friend_  that he was having weird feelings about the fucking  _Malfoy_  boy after just a small stint in their term-long project?! "I…. I just…." He threw his hands up in the air, heading for the door. "Don't even fuckin' ask, Frankie. It's not worth it."

There was no way he could explain it. If Al started, he wasn't sure he could stop going on and on about this boy. There was something growing inside of him and it was why he couldn't sleep the night before. All of these emotions were clashing inside of him and he was pretty sure he didn't like the outcome. He didn't want to end up growing attached to another asshole who would fuck him and then bail the moment he could. This wasn't something he could handle and he knew that. So why was his heart palpitating so harshly when that lithe blonde strolled past him? He was wearing his Slytherin scarf – a very subtle form of house spirit for him – and he looked gorgeous….

Trying to remain calm, the Gryffindor rushed to his table. But he found he couldn't take his eyes off of the other boy. The boy who lingered behind his eyes every time he closed them. He sat down hard, shaking the bench and causing the girl to his side to complain about nearly spilt pumpkin juice. "Yeah, sorry," he mumbled and reached for a piece of toast that he knew he wouldn't take a single bite out of.

"You're not on your game today, Allie. I can already tell."

Slowly, Albus raised his eyes and noticed that the female squeal to his sigh was from his sister. He stared at her for a moment, scared of her wrath as a captain. But he was honestly too tired to care at this point. Eventually he lowered his green eyes from hers, throwing the piece of toast off to the side. "I am fine, Lily. I can still deliver a good match."

In the matter of a few seconds, Lily Potter, the youngest of the children but no doubt the fiercest, was turned on the bench to face her brother with an unmatched anger in her eyes. "That's not enough for me, Albus, and you know it! I can't have my Seeker distracted. You're supposed to be agile and...and see damn near invisible shit! If you're distracted - well, use your goddamn brain, I'm sure you can figure out the outcome!"

In a huff, Lily stood and tossed her flame of red hair of her shoulder. "If you're not on the pitch in an hour in a more attentive state...I'll replace you. I've already got people lined up who are eager to be on  _my_  winning team." And with that last retort, she was strolling off like she owned the world.

And today, it was almost like she was. This match meant everything to Gryffindor house and they knew she could win it.

And if Albus messed this up today, he could end up the most hated person in the entire school. So...he needed to resolve this mix of emotions before his hour was up. Or he could kiss the rest of the season goodbye.

Abruptly, he stood from the table and raced across the Great Hall. He didn't even stop to think about what he was doing. In the matter of a few seconds, he was at the Slytherin table, tugging on Scorpius Malfoy's silver and green scarf. "I... I need you. To, uh...to come with me. I mean! Um, I mean I need to talk to you...in...in private."

_Smooth._

With a slow and beautiful grace, Scorpius raised himself up from his bench and quirked an eyebrow at the Gryffindor before him. He wore a calculating look, as if he was trying to decide whether this boy was currently worth his time or not. "Lead the way," he said on no more than a whisper and gestured forward.

For some reason, Albus found his cheeks heating up as he walked out of the Great Hall. He knew all of the spots that were empty at this time of day. And he was already on edge from being companionless all morning. It felt good to sneak behind a suit of armor and into the room behind, reaching behind to grab the blonde's hand in order to tug him into following. The human contact was much needed and felt like heaven.

"Not that I don't love this dusty hole in the wall...," Scorpius spoke softly, their hands still clasped. He looked down at them for a moment, smirked, then raised his eyes up to meet Albus' nervous ones. "You said you wanted to speak to me. Well?"

Suddenly, Al's mouth was like cotton. He couldn't speak because he knew his voice was dried out. But his hands...they were ready and able. They were willing to show this boy just what he was feeling, even if he couldn't put it into words. With his fingers fisted in that annoyingly Slytherin scarf, he pulled Scorpius closer so that their lips were just barely touching. It was an invitation for more and he so badly hoped the other would take it. He wanted him to moisten his dry mouth and give him the right words to express what he wanted.

Because he still didn't know what that really was.

With a chuckle, Scorpius did just that. He leaned in to seal their lips together, though he held back quite a bit of the passion from last night. This time it was testing and questioning. Trying to see what boundaries there were. He gently cupped Al's cheek in his palm, pulling him in closer with a satisfied mewl.

This nice, sweet, almost innocent kiss was enough to clear away all cloudiness from Albus' mind. He stepped back, taking in a deep and energetic breath. It was like he'd slept all night as he should have! Was it the Malfoy boy that had done that to him or the solution that had popped into his head?

"Are you going to run off again, Potter? There's only so much of this whiplash I can take from your emotional twists and turns." The words were said gently enough and with an air of sarcasm. Yet something like genuine frustration lay behind them. "If I were anyone else, I might start to take offense to you kissing me and ditching."

"You kissed me!" The forcefulness in Albus' voice surprised them both. His eyes widened and Scorpius even went so far as to take a small step back from him, hands half-raised in submission. "You...you initiated the kiss, okay? Sorry... I'm nervous about this," said softly, following the other boy in his step back towards the exit. "Whatever this is..."

All Al wanted was to voice his compromise. But his tongue wasn't working the way he wanted it to. He didn't know how to start! And that kiss... All he could think to say was how much he wanted more.

Shaking his head slowly, Albus forced himself to open his mouth and just  _speak_. "I couldn't sleep last night, okay? All I could think about was that kiss. That fucking amazing  _kiss_. And I-"

"I could tell how amazing it was by the way you ran away..." Scorpius raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest. "An unusual way of proclaiming your desire to jump my bones, don't you think?"

_Jump his bones...?_

"What?" he intoned rather witlessly for someone of his intelligence. Immediately he corrected himself and snorted, "I ran off because you are...who you are. You're Scorpius Malfoy - the antisocial Slytherin asshole. And...I think I've had enough of Slytherin assholes to last me a lifetime. You can blame your good friend Aubadon for that one."

Somewhere along the way, Albus must have said something insulting. Scorpius' face now looked as red as Al's robes and his fists were balled at his sides. "Why does everyone think I'm antisocial?" he hissed just as the Gryffindor went to take back what he'd said. "You know what, Potter? If I'm such a turn off, what are we doing here?"

That one he just could not answer. What was he doing here? Just telling this boy he found him very enticing but he couldn't act in it because he was afraid of being hurt again? "I..."

"Should I leave?" the other boy asked softly, nodding towards the exit again. He was just so eager to get out of here, wasn't he? Perhaps he was just as ashamed of this?

With a sigh, Albus shrugged and avoided meeting his eyes. "If you want to. I'm just trying to tell you...that for some reason I really like you and I'm not sure what to do with that. Except for...asking a strange favor of you."

"I will  _not_  be your boyfriend," Scorpius said vehemently, closing all distance between the two of them and pressing the other against the wall. "I don't do the boyfriend thing. Remember? I'm an asshole."

In this close proximity, Albus once more felt as he was struggling for air. He was literally getting drunk off the breath shared between them. All that came out was, "I know..."

"What's your brilliant solution then, Potter? We both know you have one. You're not the type to ask favors otherwise."

Maybe this was a bad idea overall. Albus sighed and rolled his eyes, but inside he was a wreck. Even though he had told himself not to invest himself in this much, he couldn't help but to feel slightly hurt already. "I don't want you to be my boyfriend. No one would approve of that...we both know it. I just... I thought maybe we could work out a deal. One where you don't have to be even remotely invested, and I still get to feel like you are. It'll be like a...a game of pretend. Where you get to have sex with me..."

Albus wasn't really sure that anything could shock Scorpius. He didn't seem like the type that  _could_  be stunned into silence. But here he currently was - staring at him like he'd just said he had a hoo-hah instead of a wee-wee. His mouth was slightly open and he just kept looking between the floor and Al's eyes, confused. Or bewildered. It was hard to judge what emotions those steely grey eyes held.

"Say something...please..." It wasn't that odd of a concept. Was it?

Sighing softly, Scorpius raised his hands in the air - seeming like he was at a complete loss for words. But then he spoke, his words sending a chill through Albus' blood. "And what exactly makes you think that I have a desire to fuck you? Because I kissed you? Because it would be an  _honor_? You think very highly of yourself, don't you, Potter?"

Was Albus not gorgeous? Was that not the reason that he'd been having such trouble over the summer? Was that not why boys wanted to have him but not keep him?

"I suppose I do," he said softly and hunched his shoulders in a pathetic shrug. "I just figured…that you seem like the kind of guy who doesn't want to be tied down. And if there's chemistry here, I refuse to be fucked and left in the dust again." Albus was fully aware that he sounded desperate and pathetic. But what else was he supposed to do to change things in his life? After all, where was he going to find a guy who genuinely wanted to be with him? Pretending just seemed like the better option at this point.

And maybe Scorpius was starting to come to this realization, as well. "And what exactly would this deal entail? Besides getting to ravage you…."

His heart a flutter, Al closed the small distance between them and wrapped his arms around the Slytherin's neck. He allowed his fingers to play in the silver-blonde hairs that cascaded in the lightest of curls into the loose and reckless ponytail at the base of the alabaster pale neck. "All you have to do…is set up some dates in the Room of Requirement. No one has to know…. And then afterwards you can have your way with me. Whatever you want." He sealed his explanation with a small kiss, feeling like a punch-drunk teenager. Just as he should have at such an age. Even if this was fake and the feelings would be fake, the way just the possibility of it made him feel….

"This is absolutely nuts," Scorpius chuckled, but didn't back away. He might have been thinking it over, but it was impossible to really tell. Al just kept quiet and waited, afraid of spoiling anything if he were to open his mouth. "Fine, I'll do it. But you are crazy and…you're lucky I've been told good things about your perfectly tight ass. And I'm  _dying_  to try it…."

Well if that wasn't romance, Albus wasn't sure what was. He cleared his throat and looked down at the floor. "Right.… Anyway, I have the probably the biggest match of the year to get to and…my sister will kill me if I'm late." He leaned up for one more, small kiss. "I want our first date to be tonight. Plan me something fancy…. Consider it my prize for winning today. And I'll make it worth your while."

Feeling like a sly, little minx, Al turned right on his heel and walked out of the small room. He ignored the fact that Scorpius cried out after him or that he told him he couldn't possibly win today. He was just being a Slytherin and it even brought a small smile to his lips.

Everything he had doubted or worried over was resolved. The resolution might not have been dream-worthy or something people would strive for. But this was perfect for  _him_. He was happy with this deal because…he could work with it. He could pretend that what they were doing was good for him and it was real. He could probably even coax a fake 'I love you' out of the stone-cold Malfoy. And for a moment…that made him feel truly good. Like he was on top of the world….


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. It's been awhile, but I have a good excuse. My wife bought me a Microsoft tablet for my birthday and I had to wait for the keyboard. Anyone who has typed on a touch surface knows how hard it is to do much. But I have the keyboard now and... here we are! Hopefully I can keep updating quickly!
> 
> Please read and enjoy! I would love for you to leave me comments, as well. They make me write faster, I assure you!

"Stop day-dreaming, Albus! I need you to end this game while we're still ahead!"

Lily's voice was shrill and Albus couldn't wait until the match was over so he didn't have to hear it any longer. She kept zooming by him, criticizing how he'd just barely missed being hit by a bludger or how he could have so _easily_ caught the Snitch back there. And now, as they were neck-and-neck in points, she was urging him to be faster. Did she not know that this tiny, gold ball was extremely hard to find for a reason?!

Rolling his eyes, Al resumed his search for the ball. He'd spotted it a little earlier in the game – probably close to an hour ago now – but it had flitted away before he had the chance to go after it. And he hadn't been able to find it since. It wasn't because he was distracted or wasn't trying. It was just staying out of sight today.

Honestly, he was the opposite of distracted right now. Albus was content. He was actually sort of genuinely happy. Something about his meeting with Malfoy had been reassuring. His heart was up in the clouds, and if he rose up high enough he might be able to reach it. He might also be able to escape his nag of a sister. Reading his mind, his father's vintage Firebolt – the one that had been passed down to James and to him after he had graduate and would be passed down to Lily after he himself left Hogwarts – rose higher up into the air. Soon all he could see were red and green specks of people rapidly flying around below him cheered on by the pinpricks of black cheering them on eagerly.

But none of them mattered right now. He may have been a _little_ less distracted by the…Malfoy problem. But at the same time, he now had a new wavering to his attention. The more he thought about it, the worse the distraction affected him. He just couldn't put out of his mind that later…he could really truly lose himself in something. Something he just might care about eventually. Something he didn't have to think too much about. This was their deal. He could just pretend that he was falling in love and Malfoy was allowed to remain blissfully ignorant.

He just couldn't wait for it to be dark so he could run away into his fantasy world where everything could be as he imagined. And no one could tell him otherwise. No one could be there to break his heart because…it wouldn't be real.

And then there was that flash of gold. That flash of gold that Albus searched every second for during these matches. Today was the exception, but he still had that Potter luck. For some reason it always followed him around. Today it was a blessing and he wouldn't take it for granted. Grinning, the boy shot forward and just slightly upwards. The Snitch matched his pace as soon as it realized it was being followed. It wasn't likely to make this easy, but that didn't matter. This incredibly thrilling chase was why Al was a Seeker to begin with. This rush, this _race_ was the great thing that made his heart pound manically. It was the rashest thing he did in his calm and studious life!

It just made him feel so alive.

In that rush of feelings and pure adrenaline, it was all over. Somehow, Albus had managed to catch up to the Golden Snitch. This was the part that he always missed. In the flash of a second, he could end it all and not even realize what had been happening. It was like his instinct would take over and he would suddenly be the perfect son, brother, teammate, heir that he was expected to be.

It was magical.

His fingers were closing tightly around it and he was clutching it tightly to his chest. Vaguely, he could hear the cheers and the shouts that signified that the game was over. They were like ringing bells in his ear – beautiful and exciting, yet mildly annoying. All of those people cheering for him…they were like fans. He didn't want fans. He wasn't anything special. There was just this code written into his being for this game. Quidditch was blood on both sides – it was just something he was born to do. But it wasn't particularly something he _liked_ to do. It was more expected of him than anything.

Extremely humble, the boy touched down onto the ground. He didn't even look at all of his teammates, he got the gist of their feelings towards his winning catch by the harsh claps to his shoulder and the crushing hugs around any part of him they could get a handle on. They were ecstatic and oh, he just wished he could match their level of enthusiasm. Sheepishly, he forced smiles at all of them and nodded through the congratulations.

But the moment he got the chance, Albus was eagerly ducking out of the pitch. This was common, it was his ritual after all! Everyone expected it by now. He did what he was supposed to do and then…he left. Like a little mouse stealing a piece of cheese, narrowly avoiding death by a trap, and then calmly skittering away.

"That was a close one, Allie."

Albus had just finished showering off in the locker room when he heard Rose's voice ringing off the tiled walls of his stall. He cracked a crooked smile and pulled a towel around his waist before stepping around the partition. The girl with her crop of wildly curly auburn hair stood with her arms crossed, leaning against the wall just by the door. "I know. I wasn't sure I was going to find it. But...I did. And now it's over and now…I can relax."

As he thought about what this relaxing could entail tonight, Al's smile grew to a wide grin. He forced his eyes down so he couldn't make eye-contact with his cousin and shrugged. More than anything right now, he didn't want her to be able to read him like an open book. She was the only one who could, after all.

"Albus you're hiding something from me!"

And there she went again with that close-cousin shit. Right on fucking queue. "I am not," Albus said as nonchalantly as he could. "I'm just glad we won today. It was almost a miracle. And now Lily has no reason to kick me off the team. I'm safe for another impossibly long season." He rolled his eyes, trying to be convincing but knowing it was like lying to himself.

With an eye-roll of her own, Rose stepped closer to Albus and tilted her head to the side. "I don't know what you're up to, Albus Severus Potter, but I know it's something. And…if you're keeping it from me, that means something is definitely up. You don't keep secrets from me. I'm your girl." Smirking, she took careful steps forward until they were toe-to-toe. She used her lithe finger to tilt her cousin's chin up so they could meet one another's gaze. "You know you can always tell me anything, right?" she whispered gently while caressing his cheek. Usually she was the master of persuasion and her voice was like a honey trap. But Al knew this girl too well. He knew not to fall for her tricks.

Sighing softly, the Potter boy stepped back out of her reach and took the towel off of his waist. Completely unfazed by his cousin's presence, he began to get dressed in a rush. "I know, Rose…but I just don't have anything I feel the need to talk about right now. Alright? It's not you…I'm just not in a sharing mood."

Albus wasn't sure who he should even tell about this. He and Malfoy hadn't even begun…whatever this was. Their _deal_ , so he wasn't sure what to even say about it yet. And who was he supposed to be able to trust with that sort of secret? That humiliating secret. _"Nah, Malfoy and I aren't dating or anything. We just do these secret date things. And then…he fucks me. It's pretty damn spectacular."_ Was that what he was supposed to say? Because that sounded…a bit sleezy.

"Fine, fine. I won't pry, then." Like a good friend should, Rose waved off the situation. She put it completely out of her mind. "Everyone will be celebrating tonight – all night! You're going to join us, right?" Her eyes shone with mischief and she looked ready to be up all night drinking and mingling. "Frankie already said he'd brought a bottle of Firewhiskey this year for things like this. Says he's been hiding it up in your room this entire time. Can you believe that? That he wouldn't share this whole time?" Her smile reached out towards Albus, threatening to choke him with its sickly deviance.

Frowning, Albus considered it for a moment, looking out the small window in the locker room. He hadn't quite noticed how dark it was getting when he'd walked over here. The match must have lasted longer than he'd thought for the sky was now a delicate orangey pink color. The sun was just setting, meaning most likely everyone in his house would skip dinner and smuggle in food from the kitchens. There would be no escaping the mass of people cluttered in the Gryffindor common room tonight.

And there would be no chance he could sneak out until rather late….

"Yeah, I guess," he said resignedly, seeing no way out of the celebrations. Though he knew he would be eagerly awaiting his "date" the entire time. No doubt he'd be fidgety a draw attention to himself. But he was an anxious person to begin with…. Maybe no one would notice.

Or maybe a shot of Firewhiskey could help him to relax a little.

Smiling as if nothing was a matter with the world, Albus strolled over to Rose and took her hand. He leaned up – for she was a bit taller than he thanks to her father's genes – to press a small kiss to her cheek. "Well, let's go celebrate. I'm sure the rest of the team's just gone up with their Quidditch robes still on. No doubt we're missing something mildly exciting already."

Rose laughed beautifully, no doubt having perfected the attractive tinkling sound in the mirror for quite some time. "Do I sense a slightly cynical and resenting tone to your voice, Allie?" she noted, leading them out of the locker room and onto the grounds. "Sometimes it's hard to tell with you, you know…."

With a shrug, Al quietly walked beside his cousin. He didn't want to say anymore because he was afraid she still might pick up on his excitement and anxiousness for later that night. He was afraid that if she started to poke around, eventually she would figure things out. And that wouldn't bode well for any of them. She would hate him. Easily, Scorpius Malfoy was the one that Rose hated the most at this school. It was a hate ingrained into her by her parents, no doubt. Maybe Al's father was okay to forgive Draco Malfoy for the years of hateful words and dubious actions, but the Weasleys were easily more comfortable holding a grudge. They still told stories of their school years.

In no time, they two of them had reached the common room. The instant the Fat Lady let them inside, they were immediately overcome with loud cheering and the heat that came from such excitement. It felt warm and inviting, which was hard to ignore when they all began to chant his name. A cup of something amber in color was shoved into his hand before he'd even made it two feet inside. He sniffed the contents and smirked appreciatively at the distinctively alcoholic scent to it. Not that he made a habit of drinking…but tonight it was a welcome vice. He took a sip, wincing as it burned the back of his throat and stepped further inside.

"Oi, where'd you go, mate?" Frank came barreling towards him, arms open wide as if he was soaking in the atmosphere of the cramped room. "Everyone thought you weren't going to join us for the party! Imagine that, our star Seeker running away!" The other boy stopped beside his friend, a brow quirked at him. Albus knew he was being analyzed – just to make sure that he was stable, something must have seemed off – but he didn't let the small smile on his lips waver. "You wouldn't disappear tonight. That's what I told everyone."

"Well, you were right," Al said with a nod, searching around for something to eat. He'd just now realized that the longevity of the match had caused him to miss lunch as well as dinner. His stomach was grumbling, but it was also filled with a slight fluttering that he could only think to attribute to what would come later that night. "Is there anything to eat? I'm starved," he muttered.

An open packet of crisps was soon hovering under his nose, a red-headed girl with a quirked eyebrow holding them out to him. "How is it that you always manage to turn the match around at the last possible second?" Lily questioned and crossed her free arm over her body, tucking it under the other.

"Just lucky, I guess," Albus said in his sickliest sweet voice. "How close was it?" He hadn't paid attention to the final score, but he knew it had to have been close if his sister was confronting him about it. He took one of the crisps, chewing it with a small smile. Remaining oblivious.

"Fuck lucky, Albus." Visibly frustrated, Lily lowered the bag and narrowed her eyes fully. "If the Sytherins had scored just _three_ more goals…we would have lost. That's how close it was. Do you understand me? Your job is to end the match as _quickly_ as possible! Not to just dawdle around in the clouds and wait for something good to happen to you. Not to wait until we're losing at 340 to 220! One day there won't be luck! And then we will lose…and I _will_ kick you off the team, no matter how much Dad yells at me about it. Clear?"

Lily's voice was venom coursing through Albus' veins. He wanted to explode on her so bad. He wanted to yell and scream and _hit_ her. Really, he just wanted to tell her off for allowing the Slytherins to pass them so horribly in points. She was the Keeper, for bloody sakes! Ultimately, she had the most control over whether the other team would score any points! But no one was commenting on that, were they?!

Albus' fist not closed around the drink was clenched angrily at his side. He desired so badly to just…raise it and clout his sister on the side of the head. Knock some sense into her, maybe.

In the end, however, he restrained himself. A sneer of derision locked onto his face, Albus drank down the rest of what was in the cup at his side. It tingled through him, warming him a little and giving him the courage to turn without a word and just walk away. He heard Rose and Frank yelling behind him, trying to encourage him to forget what his sister had said and return to the party. He didn't listen, however. He just kept right on going to the dormitory and stormed upstairs.

They knew not to follow him when he was angry like this, but he couldn't shake the feeling that they were right behind him. For good measure, Al locked the door as he entered his room and went straight for the bed. Though he felt like lying down and sleeping for years, this wasn't his intended goal. Instead of sitting down upon the mattress, he reached underneath it for the two things he always hid there. He slid the Invisibility Cloak around his shoulders, his body disappearing beneath him. For the moment, however, he left his head out as he set the piece of tattered parchment upon his rumpled bedspread.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he muttered down at the map, sighing in content as the words began to scrawl across the paper. His friend was opening up to him again, showing him its secrets. "Where are you, Malfoy?" he whispered, scanning the extensive layout for any sign of the name. Almost all of the Slytherins were in their common room, so he wouldn't have been able to spot him there if he'd tried. But there could be a possibility that he was elsewhere…. He could be setting up their date.

But he wouldn't be able to find him there, either. The Room of Requirement didn't show up on the map. Biting his lip, Al checked that section of the school – just in case. And it was a good thing he had. Just as his eyes scanned the section of blank wall that housed the room, he glimpsed the name just as it disappeared.

The brightest grin Albus could muster spread over his lips. He felt dizzy and giddy and had a desire to race out of the room and towards the corridor that housed the room. But he had a little bit of restraint left. If he had consumed maybe twice the amount of alcohol that he had, maybe he would no longer care. In this moment, however, he still had a bit of dignity to retain.

Coolly, he muttered a soft "mischief managed" towards the paper and shoved it into his pocket. He then flipped the cloak up over his head and disappeared completely from sight. He would have to be careful with how he escaped Gryffindor Tower, but if he concentrated he could be out in now time.

Taking a deep breath, he descended the stairs towards the common room and looked around at all the happy people. Somewhere in a far-off corner, he spotted Rose by her uniquely red hair, legs wrapped around the waist of a boy he couldn't quite pick out. Their faces were melded together like they were one person. This wasn't exactly a surprising thing, though. Rose got friendly with many boys at many parties. It was routine to see her pressed up against someone like this.

What wasn't routine was to see that it was Frank Longbottom. As he was winding through the crowd carefully, the two broke apart for a small minute to look at each other. From here he could visibly see his both of his best friends' faces. There was something that passed between them like they were questioning whether this was something they should be doing. Both of their eyes were soft and calculating. They then cast looks over Rose's shoulder to make sure…of _something_ before they resumed mashing their lips together.

Albus was shocked. There was a moment there where he couldn't move because he had to make sure he was seeing this right. His smile slid away and something like…fear thrilled through him. He wasn't sure towards what exactly, but he knew that this could be a bad thing in the end.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to carry on. He swallowed hard the lump in his throat and made the rest of the way for the portrait hole. After he'd slipped out, the Fat Lady called out demanding to know who was there, but there was no way he was going to reveal himself. He slipped through the seventh floor corridors, silent, invisible, and completely undetected.

In no time he was staring at the blank wall that housed the room most students here knew nothing about. But Albus had been here many times. James had weaseled the location out of their father when they were younger and since then all of the Potter children had used it at least once. Al suspected that he used it more than the other two. He was more introverted, after all, and liked to find places to hide. This was the best one in the castle. It would cater to a person's every need.

"The room that contains Scorpius Malfoy," Albus whispered under his breath, pacing in front of the wall. He repeated this action twice more and turned to quickly look at the nondescript wooden door that had appeared.

Once more, Albus' heart was pounding. He was nervous, truly nervous. This could go really well…or it could go incredibly wrong. And that terrified him, really. Normally, he wouldn't put himself out there like this. He was more reserved than that and definitely would never put himself into the way of such a risk. He could end up very hurt here….

But to avoid that, all he had to was avoiding feeling. He had to keep telling himself…that this wasn't going to be real. If he remained under that careful rule, he could be alright.

Gently, he turned the handle on the door and peeked inside. Immediately, the warm glow of subtle candlelight enveloped him. It was warm inside the room and smelled vaguely like baking sweets. Like his mother's home at Christmastime. Smiling with just one corner of his mouth, he entered the room and closed the door behind him, bracing his back against it.

The rest of the room mimicked the warmness he was starting to feel. It was only faintly lit, but it was enough to be able to make out even the smallest of details. Like the shimmering of the silver specks in the latte colored tablecloth upon the small, round table directly in front of him that housed only two chairs around it. To the right of that was a small kitchen that was just big enough to make a decent meal in. His eyes scanned further into the room, noticing a chest of drawers, which caused him to tilt his head to the side. What could be in there, he wasn't all too sure. But he could easily forget that as he focused on the bed beside it.

He blinked, surprised to be faced so suddenly with the weight of his plan. Swallowing hard, he looked over the four-poster that was much like the ones in his dormitory. It was exactly the same, actually. Same twin-size and same oak frame. The only difference lay with the choice of bedding – instead of being wrapped in crimson and gold, the mattress had a black and grey duvet, speckled with the same sort of silver shimmers. The pillowcases seemed to be a purple satin, and he suspected that the sheets would match.

"Potter."

The voice came from right beside Albus. He whipped over to look, noticing a bathroom he hadn't realized was there. And standing right in front of it was Scorpius Malfoy who looked genuinely surprised to see Al there. He was wearing a nice set of dress robes and looked as if he had just taken a shower. The platinum curls he usually wore back were framing his face instead, showing a softer and more delicate side to him. A side he might not have, but this was the impression it gave. Quickly, he took a moment to pull back his hair and raised his chin in dignity. He was composing himself so that he could look…like a Malfoy.

"I hadn't expected you until later," the blonde said softly, no longer seeming caught off-guard. He walked briskly over to the kitchen and pulled out a pot, filling it with water. "Shouldn't you be off celebrating with the rest of your braveheart friends? As I heard, you won the match today. Barely…."

Watching Malfoy so easily move around the small kitchen in his very expensive and very fancy clothes suddenly made Albus feel…inadequate. He looked down at his own clothes, wincing as he realized his hadn't dressed fancy. He'd asked for fancy…and here he was wearing a pair of simple dark-wash jeans, a green and purple striped long-sleeved shirt, and a set of dirty trainers. "I…. I didn't feel like celebrating tonight. So I thought I would come down early. Sorry if I threw you off a bit," he replied softly, moving further into the intimately small room and leaning against a bit of counter space. "You weren't at the match today? Didn't want to cheer on your house?"

Though he couldn't see it, Albus had a feeling that the other boy was rolling his eyes. He set the pot on the stove and turned on a flame. "I've been planning your ruddy date, Potter. Don't seem so surprised, neither," he said, turning to give Al a look as he his jaw dropped. "I take deals very seriously. You chose an honorable Malfoy as your fuck buddy. This is what you get." He gestured around the room, sneering almost proudly at what he had created.

It was remarkable, after all.

"Then I chose wisely," Albus whispered. He didn't like to think of them being… _fuck buddies_. Friends with benefits, neither. They weren't chummy, the two of them. This was more like…just a deal. A payment plan, almost. A bartering system where they both got exactly what they wanted. Smirking a larger smile, he pushed up off the counter. He crossed to the Slytherin boy and placed his hands on the slender hips on front of him as Malfoy reached for various ingredients and another pan. "This place…it's spectacular. Beautiful. And I'm rather excited to see what you've planned for the date." He flexed his fingers a bit, feeling the small bits of muscle under them that caused a shiver to course through his nerves.

Paying him almost no mind, the Malfoy boy went about his business. He gave a nod to show he had heard what Al was saying, then began to chop up tomatoes, garlic, onions, and various other spices before placing them into the pan. "You'll have a marvelous night, I'm sure," he nearly hissed, twitching his hips back just slightly.

The movement was enough to graze their bodies together, jolting Al into grinding forward into him. His breath hitched and he wrapped his arms further around the boy. He touched more muscle, a very quiet moan escaping him at the feel of them. "I'm sure I will," he whispered back, setting his teeth to the back of Scorpius' ear. Every part of him was vibrating and tingling. The nervousness he had felt earlier was replaced with excitement.

This just might have been the best idea he'd ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you can guess what album I've been obsessed with lately that inspired this fic, you'll get SUPERKUDOS!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My best and most faithful reviewer is the reason for this very quick update. You know who you are (now where's my naked Malfoy cake?!) ;) I would have updated sooner if I had the time because I'm very excited for the way this fic is flying. Enjoy and comment, as always!

Slowly, Malfoy turned in the other boy's arms and leveled a look at him. Albus wasn't sure what this look meant. It was like when Frank or Rose would try to figure out whether he was in a good frame of mind. Except…it wasn't. He wasn't checking his mental health. He was looking him over carnivorously and seeing inside of his heart at the same time. Like he was judging whether this really was a good idea or not.

He must have decided it was, though, because a moment later their lips were meeting. It was almost lazy, but not in an off-putting way. More like this boy had better things to do than to stand here kissing Albus all night. A short moment later, he turned back around and resumed cooking like nothing had happened. No doubt he was savoring the way that Al's breath rose and fell rapidly behind him. It hadn't been much of a kiss, and yet he knew that it was a shadow of what would come later.

It was thrilling.

Albus scrubbed a hand through his hair to calm himself down and took a few steps back. He observed the way the other was moving, admiring how skillful he looked. "Do you cook at home?" he asked quietly and settled in a chair at the table. He couldn't help but to feel like he might have messed something up by coming early. Like he threw off the rhythm of the date or something.

"I do." The blonde looked back at Al and shrugged like it was no big deal. Like he wasn't sure why this was such a startling idea. "I make dinner with my father every night when I'm home. Does that not seem like something I would do?" He quirked a startlingly dark eyebrow, like he was testing him.

But Albus didn't pick up on this. He was used to talking about this boy like he wasn't there. He wasn't used to having to _censor_ himself. "You know, you're so rich and stuff…. I figured you'd have someone to do that for you. Like house elves. Or if you didn't, you seem like the kind of family where the woman has to do everything."

Snorting, Malfoy turned around fully this time to stare at Al, deadpan. "I really don't understand how people can assume such horrid and unsightly things about my family? What have we done to earn this sort of discrimination? Seriously. I want to know. Because if it's what my father did during the war…. That was years ago!"

It seemed like he was being genuine. Albus' eyes widened and he just…stared at the enraged look upon that gorgeous, pale face. He was a bit shocked. At no point had he ever seen the Slytherin before him blow up like that. Or care about…anything that much. He bit his lip, gauging how to react now. He'd have to do that from now on. Now that he knew this could happen…. "I…. I don't know. It's just the way everyone things of you," he said quietly, treading carefully now. "It just…must be…. I don't know!" The whole heart pounding thing started up again. This time he wasn't nervous, really. Not that he thought. He felt like he was going to die this time because he was terrified. This was confrontation and usually he would run the hell away from that! Hell, he had just run away from his own sister not that long ago! "People hate you, okay? They hate the Malfoys! And I have no idea why! People just _hate you_ and that's how it is!"

Albus was expecting the Malfoy boy to freak out on him. He was expecting him to start yelling at him. He was expecting a duel to break out! What he was not expecting? A slightly amused chuckle to come from over by the stove. He looked up, starting to bite small chunks out of the inside of his lip now. Malfoy wasn't facing him, but he didn't have to for him to know that he was thoroughly amused. His shoulders were shaking with laughter and he was gripping the edge of the countertop like he needed it to stay grounded. "What's so funny, Malfoy?" he asked softly, adding confused to his scared heart palpitations.

"First…don't call me Malfoy. That's my surname. That's not the name someone I plan to fuck tonight should be calling me. Understand?" Albus frowned at the boy's back, not understanding the sudden need for them to be on the first name basis. But he could do that, he supposed…. He could be Scorpius. This could be that intimate. "Second, whatever. I'm used to being that poshy Malfoy that everyone hates. I'm fine with that, really. But don't assume things about me. I can cook, okay? And my family doesn't have house elves anymore. We have a maid we pay on the regular. She's a super wonderful woman who makes the best matzo ball soup. We have money, but so do you. I'm sure we didn't grow up all that differently, Potter. We're one in the same…. Otherwise we wouldn't be here right now, would we? No…normal people wouldn't be doing this. Normal people don't make deals that trade fake dates for sex."

"One," Albus mimicked the other boy, leaning forward in the chair with his elbows perched on his knees, "if I have to call you by your first name, you have to use mine. I know it's easier to just refer to all of us Potters by our last name, but I that's not my identifier. I am not my last name, as much as the world might want me to be. I don't think I have quite the right stuff for that, though. So…call me Albus. Please." He sighed before leaning back again. "Second, my parents might have a decent amount of money…but they weren't exactly free-spending with it. We grew up rather normally. I didn't get the privilege of wearing tailor-made trousers or eating exotic fruits or whatever…. They didn't want to spoil us. And I think I turned out rather…intact, don't you? I don't have to do this fake date thing. It's just…the only solution I could come up with to satisfy my strange attraction towards you."

This time Malfoy actually turned around. His eyes were narrowed dangerously and he looked as if he wanted to punch something. Or someone. Albus could be that someone…. He most likely was. Just a moment ago, the other had said not to assume things about him. And he had just turned right around and done it again. How was this ever going to work if he didn't get past this? If he couldn't stop thinking about the Slytherin as…an arrogant asshole with a ton of money?

"If you're just going to sit there and judge me, _Albus_ …I want you to get out." Scorpius cleared his throat, his icy grey eyes cutting deep into the other male and his voice speaking Al's name rushing through him like frozen water. There was no doubt that he was serious here. Every word he spoke had purpose and every part of his body was angled particularly. He was sharp and dangerous.

And Albus knew he had never been more attracted to anyone in his life.

Taking a deep breath, this time to cool off the heat growing inside of him, the Potter boy nodded. "I…. I'm sorry. I suppose I don't really know anything about you. I'll stop assuming things. Okay? Just please don't make me leave. I'm kind of dying to eat dinner. I'm starving and your food…it smells amazing." He smiled wide; sincere and honestly happy for the first time since that morning. Since they had spoken that morning…. "Please let me stay."

Scorpius – because that's what Albus told himself he would all the boy from now on…at least in these close quarters – softened slightly at these words. His features became less sharp and he even had a small hint of shine in his eyes. It might have been a sign that he wanted to smile but didn't really know how to. Or he just couldn't allow himself to. "Fine. You can stay. But don't expect that to be your last time begging tonight. You understand me?" He winked saucily, then turned back to the stove as if it had never happened.

Suddenly, Albus' mouth was dry. He found himself licking his lips, desiring to skip the date he had demanded and get right to the other half of this deal.

 _Maybe I am a slag_ , he thought to himself, crossing one leg over the other to hide the slight swell to his jeans. He wished he had worn something else tonight. He wished had thought about dressing up. Maybe then he could have a robe to cover himself up with. Luckily Scorpius was making a point of keeping turned away from him. He could ride it out and relax in the meantime.

"T-tell me…. Tell me a little bit more about yourself," Albus questioned gently. It was a distraction. But he was honestly curious, too. Scorpius cared about his image. He cared more than he let on, obviously. This was probably something most people didn't know about him. So now was the time for him to get his facts straight. If he wanted his family to have a better image, he could share. Al was more than eager to listen.

"What do you want to know?"

The question was almost grudging. Maybe Scorpius wasn't as willing to spill as he'd seemed. "Um…." For a moment, Albus watched the boy cook. He was mechanical and fluid all at the same time. Like he had been doing this for years and it was only second nature. It was beautiful. Which only made his problem slightly worse. He had to force himself to look away in order to even think. "Um, tell me about your dad. Are you…close to him? You mentioned you liked to cook with him…."

As he stirred the pan of red sauce that was filling the room with tantalizing aromas, Scorpius raised his hand towards one of the cupboards. His wand was held loosely between his fingers and the doors opened to reveal and softly glowing white box that released vapors into the warm air. As he flicked the wand almost lazily again, a bottle of wine removed itself from the cupboard and settled noiselessly upon the speckled marble countertop. The last wand movement he made brought down two wine-classes and uncorked the wine bottle simultaneously. He then slipped the wand back into his pocket and reached over to lithely fill both classes half-full.

"I'm not exceptionally close to my father," the blonde finally said, turning towards Albus with one class to his lips. He held the other out to Albus, a brow quirked like he was challenging him to turn it down. Al thanked him quietly and took it with both hands, staring down at the dark red liquid like he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't drink wine. Teenagers rarely did, he was sure. At least around here. He wasn't sure what to expect when he took a drink, so he put it off by just holding the cool glass in his hands securely.

Scorpius watched Albus for a few seconds, like he was expecting him to take a drink before he continued. But he must have moved on and accepted that this wasn't going to happen because he turned away sharply on his heel and settled back in front of the stove. "We don't go out and…fish on weekends. We don't have heart-to-heart talks about what pains me or who I have a 'crush' on." He raised his shoulders and let them fall after a few seconds in a limp shrug. "But he is my father. Cooking dinner together is like…the only bonding experience we have on a regular basis. It's just a time where we can both relax and be together. We can talk – as minimal as that is – and make something beautiful for us all to enjoy around a candlelit table. As a family."

For the first time in the entire six years that Albus had vaguely known Scorpius, he had never heard him speak like this. There had never been this sort of passion or happiness in his voice. It was thrilling to beyond. To know that he had this capacity inside of him…. How many people knew of this? Did any of the Slytherins know? Did Aubadon know?

"That's sweet…," Albus said softly because he was unsure what else he could say. He was pretty sure that with every passing moment here, he was getting to know this boy better than anyone else in his life. It was touching but…overwhelming, as well.

For the briefest of moments, Albus felt like he might be being lied to. That maybe Scorpius was making this up for their deal. He as just playing the part of the date. But that thought was gone as soon as it came. He didn't want to believe that the other would do that. We wanted to think that here in this room, they didn't need to make up stories. They could be real because they were already giving one another so much.

"So how about your mother?" he asked quietly, relaxing back in his chair and actually reaching for the glass of wine. He took a small sip, finding that the taste was actually quite pleasant. It was sweet and had mild notes of... Well, he wasn't sure, but he knew that it was pleasant. "How close are you to her?"

This question opened Scorpius up even more. He didn't give a shrug this time and his shoulders seemed to relax just slightly as he cooked, now adding chunks of some kind of seasoned meat. "We do more things together, I suppose. I guess you could say I am a bit closer to her than I am to my father. But that might be because she was around more when I was a child. She never worked a job. She was always home to take care of me. We never cooked together, if that's what you're wondering. But we did bake. They are two different things, you know. Baking is a more intimate process. It's like pouring all of your love and affection into something sweet. That's how Mother sees it, anyway. That's what she would tell me as a child when we would make…Christmas cookies or what have you for my grandparents during the holidays.

"What else would you do together?"

A playful smirk filled out Scorpius' lickably pink lips when he turned to face Albus. His hands were bracing him as he leaned back against the counter. Like this, he was the absolute visage of a god. His hair was dried now and cascaded down his back in its contained ponytail in perfect curls. He had met this boy's father a ministry party once and knew that he had the most slick of locks. The blonde hue he had inherited from Draco Malfoy, but these curls…. They must have come from the maternal genes. They were delicate and beautiful. Maybe on any other male they could have come across as feminine. But on this pale male with his handsome cheekbones that could cut a diamond and his almost predatory angular figure, they were the most masculine and empowering feature he possessed. He wore them with pride and that made all the difference.

"Why do you care to know how I get on with my parents, Albus?" Scorpius asked languidly, the words licking the sexually charged air and coaxing it to crackle around them. "I understand that this is supposed to be a date. But it's not real, right? You want it away from view of anyone you know. That's not real to me. So why are you bothering with these niceties? Why do you care…?"

Answering this boy back became more and more natural the longer they were here. Albus wasn't thinking about his choice of words, but it wasn't in the careless way he would gossip about him to Rose. It was because he felt comfortable here. The date may have been fake, but the feelings he was beginning to develop weren't. "I just…want to know more about you. Neither of us know each other all that well. I believe all we know is what we hear around school. And some of that could be seen as unfavorable. I'm not sure what people say about me…but I do know what they say about you. And I want to try and get past that. Maybe then I won't be so quick to assume things."

Scorpius nodded, his eyes shining mischievously over his wine glass as he took a sip. He looked as if he had been doing this for years. The grace and the delicacy of it were perfected. "If that's what you want…. But then you don't get to be the only asking the questions." One set of dark eyelashes came down to kiss the cheek below it in a breath-taking wink. "You get to answer the questions now. So? How does the great Harry Potter rate in his youngest son's books? Is he just as dreamy and heroic as the world makes him seem? Or is that all just media hype?"

There was definitely a twinge of spite to the words, but Albus could look past them. Anyone who might have been on the losing side of the war for any reason all those years ago no doubt had some unsettling feelings towards the so-called Chosen One. And as the Slytherin sat down across from him, having enchanted the pots on the stove to stir themselves, he could read those feelings rather clearly in those his steel-colored gaze.

"He's a good dad," Al said quietly, holding the challenging stare. "He's quite busy, you know. Being an Auror is a time-consuming job. But when he's home, he tries to give all three of us enough attention. We each have different things we do together. Lily likes to play Quidditch with him; she's kind of a nut about it. James and he talk work – James works at the ministry, too. He's a security guard. They probably spend the most time together now that he's graduated. And I…." Albus frowned, looking down into his glass for a moment. He swirled the contents, trying to find the right way to say this. He didn't want to come off as ungrateful. But at times he was a bit disappointed. "Dad and I…don't spend a whole lot of time one-on-one. When I need some Seeker advice, he's always there to give it to me. And if I want to vent a bit…he'll listen. We just don't really have a hobby that's just ours."

It looked like Scorpius was about to open his mouth and interrupt. Albus qwuickly threw up his hand to stop him and spewed out, "Don't think I'm let down about that, though! I don't mind. I spend a lot of time on my own when I'm home. I like it like that. I've always been a bit of a loner. I feel more comfortable in a room by myself – immersed in a book or listening to the wireless. Or I'd rather be out with Rose or Frankie. I just don't do the whole touchy-feely bonding time thing very easily. Especially not with my dad. We don't have much in common, really."

"So you're not the brave and bold heir he was looking for, I assume. That must be your elder brother."

Albus clenched his free hand in the fabric of his jeans and worried at them. "I didn't say that."

"That's why I assumed." Scorpius chuckled almost darkly and finished off his glass.

So maybe it wasn't the conversation that had been relaxing him. Maybe it had been the alcohol instead. This realization brought a barrier Al had recently let down swiftly crashing right back up. He thought he had been getting somewhere. But that color in those usually nearly-white cheeks was not from any progress he was making. That was from this drink he had so maturely poured for the both of them.

His face pulled into a sneer of distaste, Albus pushed his own remaining wine away and crossed his arms over his chest. He wasn't usually the type that let people in easily. He'd only done it now because he thought he could be safe and comfortable here. But maybe that was a mistake. He needed to stay guarded for now. "I thought we weren't assuming things about each other," he hissed towards the Malfoy boy.

That cocky bastard.

"We weren't assuming things about me," Scorpius easily shot back. He leaned back in his chair, cool and calm, even going so far as to prop his feet up on Al's knees. Like he owned the place.

"I don't recall that being the compromise!" Albus said in a raised voice now. He angrily pushed the feet from his lap, but not before noticing that he was barefoot. His eyes followed the perfectly manicured feet down to the floor, puzzling why he wouldn't have worn shoes. Was it because he'd come so early and hadn't bothered to dress up himself? Had he just given up trying to make this as fancy as he'd planned? "Maybe this is just a joke to you. Maybe you think it's funny to be here with me in this sort of embarrassing plan I came up with! Hell, maybe you'll even go back and write a bloody letter to Zabini about this when you return to the dungeons! You two can have a ruddy good laugh at my expense. Go ahead, I don't really care any longer. But for me…this is serious. I'm here because I genuinely want to be.

"So I'm not going to just sit here and allow you to exploit my personal information while you try and get me drunk. I'm not that kind of guy. Yes, I agreed to sleep with you. But I didn't agree to sleep with you after I'm so far gone that anything you do to me will be acceptable. If that was your plan, fuck off."

The room was quiet after Albus' small rant. His words bounced off the brick walls for a few seconds after, but then it was silent as a graveyard at midnight. The Gryffindor stared down at the table, having had the courage to say all of that and get it off his chest, but quite brave enough to look his opposite in the eye. He could practically feel the Slytherin's gaze burning holes into the top of his head, though. He didn't know what his expression was, and he was honestly afraid to find out. He wasn't sure how matched the pair would be should he decide to curse him.

So they just sat there like that. Neither talking. Neither moving.

Until Scorpius spoke up with, "Merlin, Albus," his words surprisingly serene. Unsure, Al raised his emerald eyes to meet the silver ones that were staring him down with some mixture of pity and admiration. A mixture he didn't understand in the slightest. "Are you always this hostile towards those who show you any semblance of kindness?" He gave a half-smile to the brunette, sitting up and reaching over the table to look him squarely in the eye almost like he was challenging him to look away. "I was observing on what you were telling me. Don't be so quick to think I'm as evil as your dorm mates might think I am."

Right away, Albus wanted to apologize. He wanted to take back all he had said and just _relax_ again. How could he have for any measure of time had thought that the boy sitting there and looking so innocent…wanted to do him any harm? He shivered, opening his mouth to say _something_.

Scorpius stood just as he did, waving him off. "Don't apologize. It can be hard to trust new people. Especially when you're as socially inept as you seem to think you are." He walked closer and leaned down, enveloping Albus with a strange combination scent of citrus, tomatoes, and pure musk. Before Al could brace himself, the other closed the gap between them just for a split second to bring him into a soft kiss. A reassuring kiss. One that told him that they both wanted to be here. That this wasn't a mistake. They could make this arrangement work.

"If you don't want the wine, I can get you some water," Scorpius offered as he walked off like nothing had happened. He was good about that – doing things that stopped Al's heart for a second and then just…walking away. "Though I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how much you like the combination of it with the food I've prepared. Should you trust me enough to keep going with it." The blonde was back at his spot, tending to the food. He was building plates now, putting pasta down first and adding the tomato-y sauce with the meat over top.

Albus didn't even take the chance to think about it. He reached for the wine almost sheepishly and shook his head while taking another small drink. "No…this is good. Thanks."

The smile Scorpius gave as he sat down opposite him again, setting the food in front of each of them, was stunning as much as it was winning. His teeth were all perfectly white and straight except for his the incisors on the top row. They both slanted inwards just slightly – enough to look off but not to mar his perfect visage. If anything, they made him even more attractive. Maybe it was because Al could see that a part of him was flawed in some way. It made him seem more real somehow.

"This looks amazing," Al said under his breath, cautious with his tone now. It wasn't because he was afraid of Scorpius or what he could do. He more just didn't want to upset him. He was doing his best to be polite, the least the Gryffindor could do in return was return the niceties.

"Dig in. It tastes better than it looks."

Albus nodded, picking his fork up and twirling a bite of the sauce, spaghetti, and freshly grated parmesan altogether before he brought it to his lips. His eyes flashed wide open and up onto Scorpius the instant the flavors melded over his tongue. This was amazing! He never in his life would have guessed that anything this Slytherin could make would taste like this. Every flavor had a level of complexity to it that he could never understand how to create. It was like magic on a plate, and in his mouth it was exploding into something miraculous.

Before he'd even fully processed the bite in his mouth, he was going back for more. He shoved in more than was proper and tilted his head back as he made an appreciative noise. Why didn't his mother cook like this? He was sure he would never remain his trim, sallow figure if she had.

"For this being a fancy date, you sure have a lack of finesse…."

Eyes wide, Al looked up at Scorpius and stretched his lips – closed of course – into a shy smile. Quickly, he chewed his two bites and swallowed before it was fully broke down. A bit stuck in his throat, for which he reached towards the wine. One sip was enough to be rid of the blockage, but not before he'd irritated his diaphragm. A second later, a small noise came up from his chest. The hiccup was delicate, but he felt like it was a loud, resonating sound. He clapped a palm over his mouth, flushing with embarrassment. "I'm sorry," he whispered, covering his mouth again as another hiccup wracked his chest. " _Fuck_."

Scorpius chuckled, clearly amused as he ate with all the grace of his name. "You sure are a sexy individual, Mr. Potter." He speared a piece of the Italian sausage on the end of his fork, bringing it to his smugly smiling mouth, and biting it off with those just slightly imperfect teeth that Al was swiftly becoming obsessed with.

Just like his mother had taught him to as a child, Albus closed his eyes and relaxed his torso completely. He mentally located the issue, forcing himself to breathe normally as he reached for the glass of wine. One drink was all it took. He pulled it down into his belly, picturing his diaphragm relaxing as it went past. The hiccups disappeared instantly, but he remained that way for one more sip just in case.

When he opened his eyes, Scorpius was still wearing that barely-there smile that enveloped his whole face. He was definitely amused, but there was another emotion lingering there, as well. Something he just couldn't pick up on in his agitated state. "I get the hiccups easily," he said meekly, twirling pasta around his fork as a distraction. "I don't know why…. I just seem to swallow things wrong." He let loose a titter of a laugh.

"Does that mean you'll get the hiccups every time you suck me off?" Scorpius asked the question like it was the most casual topic of conversation for dinner. He looked Albus square in the eye, unashamed of even uttering it.

Albus could not force himself to be so nonchalant about it, however. His jaw dropped open just as he was raising another forkful of pasta towards it. This just wasn't something he knew how to take in stride. It was a bit startling…. Slowly, he closed his mouth and set his silverware down, suddenly having the urge to take a rather large drink from his wine glass. "Um…," he said, his heart beating a little heavier than normal – again. "Um, I d-don't…. I, uh…."

"Relax, Albus," Scorpius reminded him, gently knocking their knees together under the table.

 _Relax?!_ Albus took in shaky breaths, thinking about their second half of the deal earlier than he thought he'd have to. Was he obligated to perform that action for his 'date'? Was that something people who had casual sex did? Or was that more of an intimate act? With any of the three men he'd slept with, they'd never approached that topic. It just been where they jumped right into bed and got the deed done and over with. But right now he wished at least one of them had at least had him try it.

More than anything, he realized he was afraid of messing up. He for some reason didn't care that this was what Scorpius wanted. He was more preoccupied with the fear of not being adequate.

Somewhere during Albus' internal freakout, Scorpius had removed himself from his chair. He carefully folded his napkin down beside his plate, emptied the second glass of wine that he had filled at some point earlier, and stood to cross over to the other side of the table. There was a dull _thunk_ as he lowered himself to his knees, a sight that in itself would have driven anyone crazy. It seemed like a contradiction of personality for a Malfoy to be on their knees for any reason for anyone. His thoughts running crazy, Al put everything down as well and emptied his own glass. He was suddenly parched and found he couldn't keep his breathing easy.

That sly, signature grin was firmly plastered on Scorpius' lips as his long-fingered hands gripped Albus' thighs in just the right place. He was reminded of every attraction-provoking thought he'd ever had for this boy and they all rushed to below his belt. His breathing stopped entirely when the blonde reached for this area, swiftly undoing the belt buckle like it was just routine. Al barely had a second of time to react before his jeans were being yanked down to reveal his incredibly plain navy boxer shorts.

An action that was accompanied by ten words that were whispered in a way that had him completely surrendering and coming undone.

"I think it's time for my part of this deal….


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that this is my shorter chapter, and I apologize.... I just got really excited when I ended it where I thought it should end and wanted you all to read it! So enjoy and comment, please!! I can't stress the please enough.

"B-but I hardly…. Hardly got to, um, e-enjoy my part…."

Albus had meant what he'd said to be playful and cute. He had wanted to get his point across that he was still enjoying them being on a 'date'. It had just started to get good! They were _just_ coming to terms with one another. But his words had come out feeble and pathetic. He didn't even sound like he meant it. If he were Scorpius, he would take the way he'd said them as a sign that he wanted to get to the other part, too.

When in reality he was cripplingly nervous for it.

Back when he had suggested it (why had he suggested it?), he had felt so sure about his decision. He had thought this was a good trade-off. After all, he'd had meaningless sex with three other boys he'd had feelings for over the summer. He'd had his time to grieve those times and had come to terms with them.

But maybe that was the thing. He'd grieved those failed relationships and that was why he was okay to think back on them. This…. This was new and fresh and it could hurt just as much as the other times had to be fucked and most likely forgotten. Instead of empowering him, this could most likely break him all over again?

Why was it that he was just now realizing this?

Scorpius was no longer paying attention to Albus' face and the way it contorted with emotion. If he had, he would have most likely picked up on the hesitance. He was too preoccupied, however, with pulling off the shoes that were stopping these jeans from coming all the way off. "Next time you ask for a fancy date you should dress up," he grumbled, throwing the dirty trainer off to the side in disgust before working the trousers off completely.

"I-I showered...," was all Albus could think to respond with.

"Well that's something," Scorpius chuckled, leaning up with his hands braced on Al's knees to give him an open-mouthed kiss that gently tugged at his lips. As he settled back down on his knees, he pushed apart the legs he had a hold on. He then leaned in with his mouth still open to press heated kisses to the rapidly swelling part of his body.

Not that he wanted it to be swelling. He was trying as hard as he could to keep the blood from rushing downwards. Maybe if he didn't react, he could keep going with the soft stuff for now. He could avoid the prospect of sex for the time being.

That kiss to his genitals, though, was quickly pushing these thoughts away. He let loose a soft groan, throwing his head over the back of the chair. It was so good….

"Don't you worry, Albus – I'm going to make you feel good. Just relax... This is what we agreed to and I don't plan to make you regret that." Scorpius squeezed with gentle motions up Albus' legs. "But…it's not too late for you to back out now. If you feel…regretful or scared, we can stop now and never look back. We'll never speak of this again, if that's what you want. But you have to tell me now…." He quirked a trim and neat eyebrow up at the Gryffindor until their eyes met.

In that moment, Albus knew he had to make a decision. He was terrified of it. He was terrified of this situation! It was too much too soon. And he couldn't decide which way he wanted to sway on it. On the one hand, there was this need growing so visibly inside of him. It was threatening to take over every ounce of restraint that he had left. And on the other hand, there were these hesitations he had. The ones that screamed out for him to stop and think about this. The ones that told him he still had a chance at a normal life with normal future relationships if only he would just stop…and think for a second.

The hot breath on his crotch, though, clouded the rational thoughts. He shivered, pushing off the chair without really meaning to. "I can't do this," he whispered, almost meaning it. The way he was joining Scorpius on his knees spoke the opposite of his words, however. As did the way he crushed their lips together. All caution, all rationale, flew out the metaphoric window.

It was just them. Right here. Right now. That was all that mattered. He could worry over it later.

"The bed," Scorpius muttered, his arms entangle around Albus' waist. Clawing at his shirt in desperation. This was no-holds-barred passion and he wanted a follow through.

With a subtle nod, Al raised himself up off the floor and took a few steps back towards the bed. He threw a last look at the table and what he was leaving behind before locking his eyes onto the blonde's. There was a fire in that grey sea that he wasn't sure he'd ever seen before in anyone. Though he couldn't be sure what form this passion took – lust or affection – and that was what held his own feelings in check. It kept him detached so he wouldn't get hurt.

That was the important part here.

"Take off your clothes, Albus…."

Sighing, Albus walked back until he felt the back of his knees hit the bedframe. He then lowered himself upon the mattress, folding his hands in his lap and just staring at Scorpius. He didn't want to do this alone. That wasn't romantic. If he was going to go through with this deal, the least he could expect was for it to be different.

Scorpius didn't seem to have a problem undressing by himself. He loosened his tie first, tilting his head at Al as he took measured steps closer. His shirt came next, each button coming undone with purpose. The boy slipped off his robe and white shirt simultaneously before closing the few feet they had left between them.

The skin revealed by this act drove Albus wild inside. He couldn't stop staring at the alabaster hue, longing to reach out and stroke every inch. He looked like marble…. Soft, pliable marble with ripples of muscles around the abdomen. Not muscles like he had earned from years of Quidditch exercises. No…these muscles almost seemed natural. Subtle and just barely enough there to be there.

"What are you waiting for, Albus? Strip for me…." Scorpius hooked a sharp finger under his belt buckle, undoing it like he'd been practicing for years.

The only reason Albus was keen to do as he was told was because he could feel magic in the air. He was sure he was under some spell. It was this magic tickling around him that coaxed his hands to the hem of his shirt. To bring it up over his chest and head. "Like this?" he asked, his words just barely audible, standing and hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his boxer shorts. "Do you want me to get rid of them?"

The smirk Scorpius wore was almost too real. As soon as his trousers were on the floor, revealing that he wasn't wearing any sort of undergarments, he was hastily throwing his 'date' down onto the mattress. He straddled his prone form, crushing their lips together with a need that reflected the glimpse of half-formed erection Albus was able to see before he'd been mounted. "I think I can manage to take care of them for you," he whispered, moving his lips to Al's ear as he pulled them up to the pillows. There wasn't even a second to think before the last shred of clothing between them was removed.

This was all real, now. There would be nothing stopping them from this point on. His eyes filled with the beginnings of tears, Albus looked up at the man above him. Because that's what he was. In this mature situation made from a mature decision they might not be ready to handle, he couldn't be anything but a man. He sure was endowed like a full-grown man. His fingers traced over those abs he couldn't get off his mind, savoring the moment before everything came undone.

"Tonight…," Scorpius said still quietly, his teeth grinding over the fragile skin of Albus' neck, "we will take it simple and smooth. Nothing too complicated. Just…sex." He rutted their exposed lower halves together, drawing a careless gasp of excitement from his partner. "Don't be nervous – I know what I'm doing."

"How many people have you slept with?" Albus asked on a shaky breath. He kept staring at the ceiling, not wanting to look at how they were lying. That would just mean that this was reality and he couldn't escape it. He'd come so far already….

It would seem Scorpius was slightly thrown by the question. He raised himself up on his arms and tried to meet the Gryffindor's eyes, searching once again. "Uh…seven. You?"

"Three." Albus was unmatched. He'd already figured as much, attributing to part of his nerves. "Sorry if I do something wrong."

"You won't. And if you do, for some reason or another, we'll have plenty of time to remedy it. Should you want to continue with our deal once I'm done with you…." Smiling softly, the blonde held his hand out towards the kitchen and an instant later his wand was flying into it. He pulsed with enchantment when he waved it, snuffing most of the candles in their room. Setting a mood. "Is there anything I need to know before we start?"

Albus' shake of the head set everything into motion. The tender kisses that got heavier and heavier with each nip and suckle. The eager grinding of sensitive skin together until they couldn't tell their breaths apart. Both boys – one major step away from becoming men – for the moment allowed themselves to forget their pasts. They forgot who they were and allowed the growing emotions to take over. Allowed hormones to rage without question as to whether this was right or wrong. They didn't think on the consequences or what this could change.

None of that mattered.

The only thing that did matter was their sweaty, slick skin reacting to every touch and kiss. Their simultaneous gasp and groans and _screams_ of pleasure. The way their bodies rose to meet each other.

And how right it felt.

It wasn't like they weren't going to regret anything later or question what they'd done. It's just that…at that moment it didn't matter. For their own reason, both needed this right here. They would never admit it, but this was something their hearts had been aching for as well as their bodies.

The only indication that either was privy to this fact came when Albus felt himself on the brink. He opened his mouth before he'd realized what he was planning to say and let loose with something that could change everything from this point on.

If they let it.

"I love you," he whispered, his lips impossibly close to Scorpius' ear. Only a moment later, he let loose with his release, despite the break in the other's careful rhythm. He didn't even notice that he'd thrown him off because he was too lost in riding his ecstasy. He felt like he could see stars directly in front of his eyes and his body relaxed better than he had in years. He was exhausted and empowered at the same time, gripping the long and limber body above him as close as he could manage.

It was quite a few moments later before Scorpius was able to let go. And even then it wasn't easy and carefree. He was wracked with a powerful orgasm that looked as if it tore his very soul in two. Riding the rest of it, he avoided looking at Albus and seemed like he was trying to only barely touch him. Al watched him, eyeing his twitchy movements with mild hesitation. They had hardly finished and he was already quick to close himself off.

Exactly what he had feared. This was just going to be a one-time ploy to get in and get out as quick as he could. "Scorpius?" he whispered, fearing he'd ruined everything when he realized his words had been said aloud those short moments ago. If this all went up in flames it would be because of him alone. He would be the reason this boy closed himself off from him. "Scorpius look at me."

Scorpius was quick to remove himself from inside of Albus. He slid out harshly, rolling off the bed and reaching for his abandoned clothing. "I told you I wasn't going to do this. I _told_ you I wasn't going to be your goddamn boyfriend, Potter…," he spat, his words venomous and clearly stemming from something like betrayal.

Gathering the sheets around himself to feel slightly less exposed, Al sat up and watched the Slytherin. He felt empty and could feel the crack inside that could break him. "N-no…. Scorpius, no! I didn't mean it!" There were tears trekking down his cheeks now. He was desperate to keep the other here, for some reason he might not be able to pinpoint.

Maybe because he knew if he left, this could never happen again. And he could never feel that whole again…. Their deal would be a thought in the wind and he would feel the same way he had with the other three – an empty shell.

"I _don't_ love you, Malfoy!" he shouted, the resilience in his voice startling both of them. Finally, Scorpius met Albus' eyes and they both took a deep breath in order to begin calming down. The blonde already had his trousers back on, but he had paused with his button-down still held in a closed fist. "This whole thing is a charade! I just…. I just went along with it. You cut my half of the deal short, so I intruded on yours and I apologize. But it brings this to another level, doesn't it? Our fake dates can be a fake…relationship of sorts. You'll still get what you like and I…will get what I want. Sex for an illusion of love.

"Nothing has changed. The conditions are still the same."

Albus' quick thinking was a miracle. He must have said just the right thing because as soon as he'd finished, Scorpius' harsh glare began to fade. He blinked, dropping his shirt to the floor and taking a step back to the four-poster. "This is still an act?" he asked, his voice quiet to try and hide the shake to his voice. "You'll swear to me that this…has not changed? That you _don't_ love me and never will?"

"I swear." Al pulled himself up onto his knees, palms braced on the edge of the mattress. The silken purple sheets fell away from his chest, exposing his spunk-splashed tan skin and a half-covered pert ass. "I _swear_ , Scorpius." The name on his lips was like pure, hot honey. "I could never love you. Just remember that."

Sighing through his nose, the Slytherin threw his hands up in the air in a sort-of uninspired shrug. "Fine! But if you ever do start to love me." He quickly pointed his finger at the Potter boy as he was about to interrupt him. "I know, I know, you will never love me! But just in case you do…I need you to promise me that you will _end_ this. Straight away!"

There was definite worry in those usually steely eyes that Albus didn't even hesitate in nodding. He bit his lip, looking entirely fuckable in his current state. He was sure he could keep his boundaries and not end up falling for the boy. After all, he was a Malfoy. Malfoys and Potters…they might make truces, but they were destined never to get on perfectly. That was why he knew his confession had been fake. There was no way he could love this blonde beauty in front of him. "I promise," he said with a stunning smile and patted the bed fondly. "Come sit back beside me, Scorpius. Unless cuddling counts as loving…? I'm exhausted and you look comfy."

Almost begrudgingly, Scorpius returned to small bed. He still wore the dress trousers, but Albus wouldn't argue. This bed was just small enough where the two of them couldn't just lie on their own sides. This meant that the paler, taller of the two had to wrap his arms securely around the brunette as they both laid back against the pillows.

There wasn't much time to consider what this was now. Both boys' eyes were closing soon after they'd entangled their limbs. The only contemplation they could do, now, was in their dreams. And Albus knew that his dream self wasn't doing much thinking. Or sleeping. He was vividly reliving the night they'd shared – every embarrassing, happy, confusing, and sinful moment of it.

Albus wasn't sure what time he awoke the next day, exactly. There were no windows in their room of pretend. No light streamed in to indicate it even was the next day. But as he opened his eyes, he felt significantly rested. His eyes yesterday had felt like boulders rolling in a sandy dessert oasis. Today, he felt normal and refreshed, aside from the noticeable pain in his backside. This he could easily fix later on when he got back to his dormitory. He had at least one Pepper-Up Potion ready for such instances – just in case.

Yawning, the boy squirmed in the bed, the silk rubbing tantalizingly against his skin as he moved. "Mmm," he moaned, turning and finding no resistance. He'd fallen asleep with Scorpius' arm around him, but maybe their positions had changed somewhere in the night. Slowly, he opened his eyes, finding just as he feared to be true when he'd noticed a lack of pressure at his side.

Scorpius was gone.

Suddenly, his mouth was dry and he found it hard to swallow his own morning spittle. He quickly sat up and did a once-over on the romantic room from last night's date. Nothing. He raced to the small bathroom, slamming the door open. Nothing again.

As he stood there lonely and forgotten, Albus tried to tell himself that this meant nothing. They weren't anything real, so why should Scorpius be expected to stay and make breakfast the next morning? He took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself and keep the tears at bay. This meant nothing to him. He needed to _remain detached_. It was for the good of everything right now.

As calm as he could, the Gryffindor took a quick shower to rid himself of any reminders of the night before and redressed. He went to walk out of the room and, not wanting to look back so that he might pretend nothing had happened. The only thing holding him from doing so was the leather-bound journal settled neatly on the table that had been cleared of last night's dinner. Frowning, he picked it up, examining the plainness of its black cover in curiosity. He opened it, flipped through the pages – nothing.

His morning was a whole mess of nothings.

In something like disgust, Albus snorted and left just as he had planned. He tucked the journal under the crook of his arm and gave it no further thought for the moment. His plan for the moment was to head to breakfast as casually as possible. He left that stretch of blank wall and its glorious 'date' room alone behind him. Out of sight, out of mind.

"Allie!"

Startled, Albus looked quickly over to the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall. He located Rose, who was grinning mighty brightly for so early in the morning. She wasn't a morning person…. And she'd never been _this_ happy to see him in her life. He made a bee-line for the spot left vacant beside her and sat down with a shy smile, running his fingers through his almost-dry mop of dark hair. "Hey," he said quietly, pulling a plate towards him and looking around for the scrambled eggs.

"Since when do we have roast beef sandwiches for breakfast?" he asked curiously, taking one and looking at it like it was foreign to him.

Rose let out a laugh of disbelief, leaning over Albus' plate to meet his eyes. She waved a hand in front of them, confusion etched into every line of her face. "What is _wrong_ with you? And where have you been, Allie?! We were beginning to worry about you…."

"What?" Albus questioned around a mouth-full of roast beef. He was starving again.

Across the table, Frank cleared his throat rather forcefully. Al hadn't even noticed he was there. He looked up, still chewing and made a probing nod of his head. To which his friend merely sighed and said bluntly, "Its lunchtime. A little after noon, Al. You were gone all night…all morning? Where have you been?"

Albus hadn't thought that far in advance. He hadn't thought to make an excuse for his absence. For the moment, he chewed and stared down at his plate, thinking furiously. He was usually pretty good at flippantly making excuses or lying about his well-being. But today it was hard. Maybe because all he could think about was how the hard wood of the bench was making his backside sting unbearably.

"I, uh….s-snuck out last night…."

"We figured as much," Rose snapped, seeing right through this charade. "Go on, out with it. Where did you go?"

Shrugging, Albus looked over towards the Slytherin table. He had an almost unobstructed view from here. But from this position, he could only make out that back of that mass of shining curls. They offered no reassurance whatsoever. Neither did the blank book sitting firmly on his thing. "I…. I went to the library," he settled on. "I fell asleep. Under my cloak. I was dead-tired so…I guess I slept rather late. Sorry. Didn't know. Didn't mean to alarm you…."

There was still disbelief in Rose's soft, blue eyes. She still looked like she didn't trust a single thing her best friend was saying because she _knew_ he was lying. But the reasons behind the lies were what puzzled her the most. He only avoided the truth with her when it was extremely embarrassing or incriminating. So what was his reason now? She forced a small smile in the end and nodded, picking at her own sandwich. "Alright. Shoulda known to look for you there. We were gonna use the map but…you must have taken it with you?"

Albus returned that taught pull of the lips and looked between his friends. A flash of last night came back to him that he'd almost forgotten. The kiss. He quickly looked down again, noticing for the first time the tense air around them. Something had gone wrong with their little tryst. He had guessed it would, but he wasn't going to call it out right now. One of them – or most likely both – would confide the details in him eventually. He could sit back and wait.

Besides, he had his own loveless love life to fret over in the meantime. That should keep him busy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping I can get another one up today. But for now, here's this one! Enjoy and please, please, please comment!

The rest of the weekend passed by in a hazy daze. Albus couldn't remember really what he'd done all of Sunday, except for sitting in the common room pretending to read. He wished had had been able to actually get something done because he had quite a bit of homework due throughout the week. But his brain just would not work quite right. He was distracted again. It was starting to feel like he would constantly have most of his mind dedicated to Scorpius Malfoy.

All day, the only glimpse he had gotten of the boy had been the back of his head at lunch. It seemed like he hadn't even bothered to show up to dinner. And he definitely wasn't dawdling anywhere around the castle. But he remained behind Al's eyes every time he closed them. It was a curse, this deal they had made.

He was obsessed.

Was that healthy? Being so infatuated with a person that you can't focus on the mundane actions of everyday life?

Or was that the beginning of love?

This was something Albus tried his very hardest not to dwell on. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with the Malfoy heir. That was reckless and he was sure he couldn't afford to be so frivolous. No one would approve or understand. He was sure he wouldn't even be able to understand himself! No, this infatuation just _couldn't_ be anything more than lust.

Scorpius had, after all, been a brilliant lover. He had been kind and Albus' needs as well as his own. He had made sure that he wasn't hurting him and that their position was comfortable. And the way that he had _filled_ him…. That had to have been a restricted form of magic itself. Could a person really fill up every empty space another had with just their swollen cock? Or had this just been Albus' vivid imagination?

But he felt so _empty_ now. He knew the only way he could feel that complete and whole again was to go through with the blonde's half of the deal again. That scared him slightly, but only because it thrilled him beyond reason.

There was no way this was the beginning of love, though, was the point. Never could Albus allow himself to love Scorpius. They had come this far and there was no going back or starting over as something else. He wouldn't allow his feelings to manifest this way. His obsession was just that. It was silly and it needed to be squashed.

For the thousandth time since he'd picked it up, Albus looked down at the leather-bound journal. He ran his fingers over the blank cover. He felt safe behind the curtains of his dormitory bed, his knees pulled up so that he could rest the small book atop his thighs. It felt reassuring to have it come to contact with the bare skin of his legs. It felt heavy and cold, reminding him that it was indeed real. Even if he wasn't sure on the purpose of it yet.

It was almost like the book read his mind in that instant. Like embers burning at the bottom of a nearly dimmed fire, one word came scrawling across the cover. It etched one letter at a time in a delicate and perfected script, spelling out his own name in the end. Stunned, Albus touched the beautiful 'A' and recoiled instantly at the heat the letters still gave off.

Like he was being jolted to life, Albus sat up in his bed and set the journal down upon his bedspread. His internal clock told him that it was near eight in the morning. It was what he had been waiting for – the rest of his dorm mates to wake before he crawled out of bed. He had maybe a few minutes before Frank would come to see what was still keeping his early-bird self in bed. He just prayed that in the time he had left, the journal would manifest more.

He wasn't disappointed. As he opened the pages, wanting to see if anything else had changed, he glimpsed more of the same handwriting on the first page. It wasn't burned into the page, but was instead written with standard black ink. At first the words didn't make sense. It was a list of dates with a dash afterwards, followed by numbers and sometimes small notes like ' _at midnight_ ' or ' _under the noon-day sun_ '. He didn't understand. If these notes were from Scorpius specifically meant for him…why was the schedule so strange? Why were some of the times on days during class-hours?

It clicked just before it was too late. The potion. In the excitement of the deal they had made, Albus had completely forgotten the reason for why they were supposed to spend so much time together in the first place. This must have been the schedule for the potion that Scorpius had been working at the library. It was very detailed; very precise. He couldn't help but to admire the skill it must have taken to plan all of that out.

He was sure he could have done it, too…perhaps if he hadn't been so engrossed in his own thoughts. Perhaps this was a testament to the true nature of their situation. That Scorpius didn't have to keep reminding himself that love wasn't possible here.

In haste – for he knew it was only a matter of time now – Al took note of the first date. The date that they would start their project. It was today at three; during their Potions class. He smiled fondly and traced over the time. He would wait anxiously for it.

And his first order of business at that time would be to try and get Scorpius to tell him how this blasted journal worked.

Before he could be discovered, Albus shut the journal with a snap and shoved it under his pillow. He sat up, pushing his curtains aside and practically announcing himself to the rest of the room. As if he needed to let everyone know that he was indeed awake. They were all just waking up themselves, rubbing sleepy eyes and wiping drooling mouths. None were as spry and ready and Albus was. Then again, none of the others had been awake as long as he had. Except maybe Frank….

This was rather unlike the boy. He wasn't the type to be up early _ever_. If anything, he liked the push the boundaries of breakfast for a little extra rest. But here he was…sitting on the edge of his bed, already dressed and ready to go. Before Albus had even decided to pull himself out of bed.

"Alright, Frankie?" he asked, facing away from everyone to pull off his boxers and yank on another pair. He turned back for the rest of his dressing, raising a brow at his friend.

Frank shrugged, pulling his knapsack up higher on his shoulder. "Yeah, I'm good," he said under his breath. He was the complete opposite of 'good'.

And Albus had an idea as to why. "This is about Rose, isn't it?" he asked under his breath, looking back at the other roommates before crossing over to sit beside Frank. He put his hand on the boy's leg, squeezing it consolingly. To be honest, he'd thought one of them would have come to him yesterday about this. But they were being pretty tight-lipped.

"Wha'?"

"I saw the two of you…after the match. You know, when I snuck out?" Al offered a half-smile both as an apology and a reassurance. "I haven't mentioned it to her yet. I wanted to see how the both of you handled it before I said anything. I just know this can get messy…."

Frank rolled his eyes and snorted. "Messy? This is beyond messy, Al. Yeah, it's about her. And about how impossible she is…."

Rose Weasley…. How did one describe Rose Weasley? She was a complicated girl. Equal parts brilliant, beautiful, and dangerous. She was as smart as Albus and Scorpius both. Rose could have been a contender for top of the class. However, her beauty won out for top priority most days. She'd found at a young age in puberty that there were certain things that drove boys absolutely bonkers. Things that she possessed much earlier than most girls of their age. And she was definitely not shy when using them.

This wasn't the only reason she could be dangerous. But it was definitely large factor. Since she had swiftly become an expert when it came to boys, it seemed she grew tired of them very easily. Last year alone, she had dated five different boys, and had strung along twice as many with kisses and flirting. Both Frank and Albus were very aware of this, having been her best friends since they'd stepped on the train the first year.

But knowledge couldn't hope to compete with first-hand experience. Neither of them had ever considered that she might work her wiles on them one day. "What'd she do, then?" Al probed, massaging his temple. This was just as he'd feared. He wanted to stay away from this topic for _this_ reason!

_Damn love, getting in the way._

"I slept with her, Al…."

_Damn sex even more._

" _WHAT?!_ " Albus ground out, his heart panging painfully at just the thought. This could ruin everything for all of them. Their great friendship would now be at stake. And that was something he'd never wanted to lose, despite whatever happened with the rest of his life. "You're an idiot, Frankie! I swear to it – an idiot."

Never the type to anger, Frank merely shrugged and accepted the title. It seemed like he knew he was an idiot. He'd already realized the gravity of the situation. "Spare me, Albus. I've been beating myself up for it ever since. But can you blame me? She's beautiful. She's amazing. She's…. She's _Rose_ , Albus! And suddenly the other night she wanted _me_! I just couldn't help myself…." He sighed hopelessly, his head coming down to rest heavily in his hands. "And now…she won't look me in the eye. She's been avoiding me; I can tell. And afterwards…. After we, you know…." Albus pulled a look of disgust that said his friend didn't need to go further. "She bolted. Like right afterwards, she made some bullshit excuse about needing to pee and just…ran off. I don't know what to do, Al…."

"And neither do I, Frankie!" Losing a little bit of patience due to the circumstances, Albus threw up his hands and stared at his best friend in annoyance. He would help him out – help him get over it – if it were any other girl. But it _wasn't_ and that was what tipped him over the edge. This was Rose, his favorite cousin and best girl friend. "I don't want to be in the middle of this, okay? I'm not saying I won't hear you guys out when you need to vent about one another. I'm just saying…. When I saw you two the other night, I knew this was what was going to happen. You two weren't going to be able to handle what you'd done and it would affect all of us. It's just a million times worse, now, since you couldn't keep your dick in your pants."

Immediately, it felt like a brick wall shot up between the two of them. Frank glared over at Albus with a hate the Potter boy had never seen before. "I know you're a bit of an antisocial prick when it comes to other people's lives," he spat and stood quickly, his wand at his side clenched in a closed fist, "but I thought I was your friend. It's not that I couldn't 'keep my dick in my pants'. I really like her, Albus. And if she gave this a chance…I guarantee she could return my feelings. So just stay out of it. It's not like you care anyway."

"I do, too, care!" Albus shouted, forgetting completely that they had other roommates. They didn't matter – they weren't a part of this. "I care more than you would ever know! I just think the two of you are being immature and stupid!" He moved to his feet, as well, fingers poised on his wand inside his pocket, just in case.

Scoffing, Frank stepped back towards the door. It almost looked like he was looking for a good way to escape if necessary. "And you shagging three guys in one month with absolutely no attachment is supposed to be considered 'mature'?" That was probably why….

There was no time wasted with thinking over which curse to use or what steps to take to block a counterattack. Albus didn't even think about magic when he decided he'd had enough of Frank flapping his jaw. Growling low in his throat, he launched himself like a preying tiger at his so-called friend. His hands didn't form fists. He didn't intend to hit the other, but he sure was getting some good scratches in. Frank's face and forearms was starting to look like he'd been mauled by a cat only moments later.

It hadn't taken long for one of the other Gryffindors to come over and grab Albus' arms, pulling him up off of Frank. The Potter boy kicked his legs, arms pinned behind his back, and managed to collide one with the underside of his friend's jaw. The instant he saw blood, he was satisfied. He stopped fighting and fell limp to the floor. The other boys around him stared at him, watching him to make sure he wasn't going to surge back at Frank.

But he knew he wouldn't. He was done. The state the other was in was good enough for what he'd said. His lip curling in disgust, Al pushed himself up off the floor and spat at his so-called friend. He then turned, snatched up his book bag, and was storming out the door not a moment later.

Albus was almost near the bottom of the staircase that led back down to the common room, not looking at anyone he passed on the way for fear they'd see the tears in his eyes, when he was stopped. A gentle hand was on his, speaking to him in a soft voice. He didn't understand the words – they were too soft under the harsh pounding of his own blood in his ears. "What?" he whispered, raising those shining, too-green eyes to look at the girl in front of him.

"I…. I was just asking if Frankie was still up there. Are you okay, Albus?" Rose's own blue eyes were shrouded in puffy, red skin. She looked like she'd been crying all night.

"Yes," Al said under his breath, rubbing at his eyes to try and _relax_. He wasn't sure which question he was answering, but he knew it wasn't the truth for the latter. It felt like the world was crashing around him at that second and he was helpless to stop it. His carefully laid out life was shifted in ways he couldn't control. People were doing things he didn't want them doing. He couldn't move them like pawns, he knew. But he _should_ be able to stop them from ruining _everything_. Atop that, he'd just treated his best friend like a scratching post. He wasn't even sure why he would do that. He'd never been the violent sort…. And underneath all of this, he was hiding a secret that was starting to tear a hole inside of him. He was easily obsessed with the Malfoy boy and he wasn't sure how to handle that.

Maybe that was the root of all of his problems here.

"I think he loves you, Rose," was all Albus could manage to say before he pulled away from his cousin. He left her standing there, mouth agape in shock and rushed past everyone else in the common room as fast as he could. He tore through the corridors, not meeting anyone's gaze and went straight for the Great Hall. His plan was to get through breakfast without having to say anything – without having to break down. He could hold onto his emotions…if people just left him alone.

"Malfoy looks smug today."

A pain that was physically unbearable tore through Albus' heart. He reached up to rub at his chest, a half-chewed bite of toast forgotten for the moment inside of his mouth.

"Then again, he looks smug every day, doesn't he? He just looks…considerably _more_ smug today. Like he has a secret or something."

Albus knew that Hugo wanted him to respond. It was a fun game among the Potters and Weasleys to try and figure Malfoy out after a weekend. To try and figure out what he might have been up to wherever he disappeared to during their days off from classes. But this morning…this game didn't seem fun. Al knew what he'd been up to this weekend and he just wanted to stay out of it. "I'm sure he has many," he said quietly, only looking at Rose's brother for a short moment.

The boy's freckled face was lit up brightly – innocently. His red hair framed it in subtle waves and for the first time, Albus was grateful for those slight differences between him and his sister. Rose's had natural tight curls that were the color of rust. Hugo had inherited less of the curl and more of the red from his parents. He also had managed to come across a paler complexion than the rest of his family. No one was sure where that came from, but they were all pretty sure that if he were to get some sun every once in a while, he would tan right up. However, the youngest of his cousins was not the outdoors type…. He was a bookish Hufflepuff who valued the friendship of art and books more than participating in anything that had to do with being outside. He and Albus could have been very, the Potter boy thought, if only they hadn't been three years apart. And if either of them was slightly less introverted.

Hugo smiled softly, the type of smile that would make anyone else seem distant. But anyone who knew him knew he never smiled with his teeth, or with the rest of his face. Everything he did was careful and small. Quiet. "Yeah, I suppose. It just…. It looks like something really important happened this weekend. You know? Like he had a _really_ good weekend."

"Right…."

"Like he…um…." Hugo blushed, covering his face with a cute giggle. He spoke the rest of his explanation behind his hands, everything coming out mumbled, but still very clear. "Like he had _sex_."

This wasn't the first time they had assumed this in their game. A couple times before there had been too much of a spring in Malfoy's step for a Monday morning. This was, however, the first time Albus paled completely when speaking about it. He found it difficult to swallow his breakfast and just couldn't stop _staring_ at the way Scorpius sipped his pumpkin juice with a barely-there quirk to his lips.

"Yeah, that's Malfoy's 'I got laid' smirk." Albus started visibly at Rose's voice near his ear. He jumped, nearly sending his plate flying as she sat down beside him. She didn't even look at him, her eyes glued onto the Slytherin table. "Maybe we could ask Louis if he's blabbed about it in the common room. Figure out who it was."

"Or Albus could just ask him in Potions, since he cares so much who sleeps with who around here."

That voice did it for Albus. He was already on edge and the last thing he wanted was for the boy he'd just attacked to take the empty seat on his other side. He stiffened visibly, lowering his eyes down to his food. He didn't want to get caught staring at Scorpius. And he definitely didn't want to look up at Frank. He didn't want to see the damage he'd done. He didn't want to have to face any sort of consequence from it.

" _Merlin_ , Frank! What happened to your face?" Hugo's sweet and caring gasp instantly made Albus feel horrible for what he'd done. All the anger had ebbed by now and he was left with asking himself over and over again _why_ he had done it.

In these close quarters, Albus could feel Frank shrug beside him. He shied away from the motion, curling in more towards the table. "Just some cat in the corridor. Feral, mangy thing. I'm fine."

As much as he didn't want to look at the other boy, Albus couldn't help but to let his eyes roam up in curiosity. Frank was covering for him. He was pretending like he hadn't just had a full-fledged freakout up in their dormitory. What was his angle? He eyed the scratches on the boy's face – five sets of three in various places over his round cheeks and neck. They could easily pass for animal scratches, but why would he lie?

Frank met Al's gaze and the Potter boy averted his eyes quickly. But not before he'd caught the smile that had his mind reeling even more than it had been a moment ago. He was thoroughly confused, now.

Were they really just going to forget about this so easily?

"Hey, Albus, did you walk down here by yourself?" Rose gently patted her cousin's thigh, seeming like she was trying to convey that everything was alright. Perhaps the two of them had talked about the small. Perhaps they had decided they had caused it and…they could therefore forget about it?

"Uh…yeah, I guess I did," Albus said, his voice a bit scratchy and hoarse. He smiled at Rose, chuckling softly. "Didn't even realize, to be honest."

Rose laughed, genuine and completely normal. "Impressive!" she joked, then spooned herself a healthy helping of eggs. "I think that's one we can put in the win column, don't you think?"

Rolling his eyes, Albus felt the worry and anxiety roll off his shoulders. "You make me out to be some pathetic agoraphobic. I go plenty of places by myself…when I feel like it. I just like to have company." He allowed himself a small laugh and pushed his food away, no longer needing to eat to fill any sort of void.

"Hey," Albus was suddenly reminded, now that he was not focusing on is incredibly messed up personal life, "what potion did you guys get for your project?"

Frank and Rose both looked visibly exhausted just at the mention of the topic. Al laughed softly, bouncing into both of them a couple of times until Rose finally spoke. "Slughorn gave us Amortentia," she breathed out, her voice full of frustration. "I was reading the instructions last night…. I don't know how we're going to do this, honestly! Frank and I _suck_ at Potions class and this will just seal that fact. We won't pass."

"I'll help you with any questions you have…," Albus offered feebly, smiling between the two of them. They looked towards each other, giving small smiles full of hidden desires. "Anything to avoid seeing Malfoy every free moment I have." He snorted, looking away so they couldn't see how much he didn't mean that. "He's actually written up this detailed schedule of when precisely we have to do each step. It doesn't look like I'll get much down-time." _I hope…._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How on a roll am I?! This will be the last chapter for the day and probably for a couple days. Savor it ;) And, as always, please comment!

Transfiguration felt like it lasted eons that morning. Throughout the entire hour and a half that it lasted, Albus felt like he was going to explode. This was a class that he didn't share with the Slytherins. And right now, that was what he desired. He just couldn't sit still because he couldn't _see_ Scorpius Malfoy. His obsession was crippling and he honestly felt like he might die if Potions didn't come sooner.

He sat, fidgety, through lunch and watched the blonde pick at his salad. Every once in a while he would come across something that made his elegant, little button nose scrunch up in disgust. He would carefully pick it out, place it on a plate to his side and keep on eat. Each bite was careful and had purpose. Like he was trying to get the best parts in every bite.

"Stop staring at Malfoy," Rose said, giving him a sharp dig to his ribs. "You'll have to deal with him for a whole class period in just a short while. As daunting as that is, I don't understand why you can't keep your eyes off of him…."

Blushing, Albus quickly averted his eyes and shook his head furiously. "I'm…. I'm not staring at him. I'm just, um…dazing off a bit?"

"Whatever. He's trying to figure out who Malfoy slept with," Frank was quick to say, scratching at his chin and looking over his shoulder at the Slytherin table. When he turned back around, one of his cuts from that morning was leaking a small stream of blood.

His mouth dry, Albus grabbed his napkin and reached to wipe it off. Rose beat him to it, however, leaning over the table with her chest very exposed to Frank and her perfect ass stuck out a little bit. She smiled at the boy fondly, then set her finger to his chin and smeared the drop of blood off his skin. Clearly they had worked something out…. The way Frank looked back at Rose in return was like she was an absolute angel. And she stared at him in much the same way, except he was a hero to her.

"Well, if you're so interested, Allie," Rose said quietly, sitting back in her seat and wiping the blood onto a napkin, "just start thinking about it logically. Who in this school has the capacity to handle being in a bed with Malfoy scum?" she scoffed, standing and pulling her messenger bag up with her. "It can't be a rather large list, can it? Honestly, no girl I know could get past _him_ to even begin to see that he's attractive."

"You think he's attractive?" Frank almost sounded hurt, but his expression wouldn't let on.

Rose shrugged, looking at the Slytherin table one last time before signaling that she was ready to leave. "That's not something you can deny, Frankie. Malfoy has generations of good genes passed down to him. He might be a git and an asshole. All those types of things. But he does have a good head of hair and a fit body."

Both boys stood to follow her, not saying a word on the subject. Albus could tell that his cousin kept looking at him, expecting him to agree with her. And he _did_ , but he wasn't about to voice that fact out loud. He couldn't without incriminating himself. He knew if he began to talk about how much he loved the way Scorpius looked, he wouldn't be able to stop himself saying how he felt about the rest of him.

"What's the potion you two have to do?"

The instant they were in the dungeons, the excitement inside of Albus was threatening to burst. He had a bit of a spring in his step that he tried very hard to hide. He smiled and headed for the corner of the classroom he and Scorpius had sat last time. "The Fertility Salve."

Frank snorted, halting Al's steps. He turned to look at him, head cocked to the side in question. "The Fertility Salve? I hope he's not expecting you to test it in the end."

"Hahaha!" Albus replied in mock laughter, sticking his tongue out at his friend. "Maybe the two of you can test it for us instead?" He winked, ignoring the noise of outrage Rose made back at him. It was half-hearted, anyway. She laughed a moment later and everything was forgiven.

"We could test it, if that's what you wanted…." Scorpius, his voice as smooth as his obvious sneer. "It'd be like a new level to your game. Then you would have someone to shower your copious amounts of warm love and affection on someone." That pale face radiated mischief as Scorpius raised one of his perfectly manicured eyebrows in challenge.

In that one instant, Albus could remember why exactly he had hated this boy so much before they had kissed outside the library. He clenched his jaw, staring at the blonde in disbelief. He then turned his head away and practically slammed his bag down onto the table, sitting just as Scorpius did. They were so in-sync and he hated it.

_And I thought I loved him…._

"You're a fucking prat," Albus spat and pulled the leather-bound notebook out of his bag. He slid it across the table angrily, then turned forward to wait for Slughorn to come in and give them instructions. Though he was sure the only plans for today were to figure out plans for the group projects. He didn't want to have to spend that much time with this _pig_.

"And you're a drama queen. I was only teasing." Scorpius leaned in closer to Albus, pretending like he was leaning down to scratch at his ankle. "Or would you prefer I take you on this table _right now_ in front of the entire class? Would that be more to your liking? Because…I thought you would prefer that I just pretended like nothing has changed between the two of us…." He straightened up, giving a wicked, toothy grin before pushing the journal back towards his partner. "I already have one. You keep yours…."

Professor Slughorn came in to the classroom, then, taking note that everyone was in their individual groups. He didn't seem to think he needed to bother with any sort of directing and merely sat down at his desk with a book. He looked up every once in a while, checking to make sure everything was copasetic.

"Thanks…," Albus said quietly, shaking his head to try and clear the cloudiness the Slytherin's breath had inflicted upon his mind. "Um...I saw the schedule this morning." He opened up to the first page of the book, scanning the dates and instructions again. "This is impressive work…." And just like that, with only a minimal explanation, Al was back to being a lovestruck schoolboy again. How could one person have such intense power over another?

Scorpius nodded, pulling his cauldron in between them. He had the instruction book for the potion close at hand and was scanning the first few steps. "We should get started with this. My timeline depends upon it." Close at hand, he had a few ingredients, one of which he reached for without even looking. His eyes were entirely focused on the book, finger scanning words on the page as his lips formed the words. Albus watched him in raptured delight, pretending to be reading the page as well.

"Stop staring at me," Scorpius hissed the instant he noticed. His eyes were narrowed, but he still seemed…almost pleased. Probably because he liked the attention. "You're not playing this whole thing very coy, you know. Your friends are bound to find out. And then what?" He looked up finally from the book, levelling the Gryffindor with a warning look. Too many of those and Al wouldn't be able to keep his feelings secret for very much longer….

"Stop looking so stunning, then," Albus whispered back, forcing himself to look down again. He wore a small blush, though he wasn't sure if it was from being caught or from actually feeling embarrassed that he'd actually said that aloud. "Sorry…." He bit his lip, flipping pages in the journal and still finding nothing else written. "Um…can we talk about this mysterious book?"

With a sigh, Scorpius forced himself to look up from his work. "It's a spell I devised. You write in the book, then close the cover…and it gets sent to mine." He nodded towards a stack of books to his side and Albus craned to look. There on the top sat a red version of his journal, Scorpius' name burned into the cover the same way. "If you don't wipe what you write before closing the cover, it will send whether you want it to, or not. And then we'll both be left with the evidence. So choose your words wisely. And don't send me love letters."

A subtle dig at the other night, no doubt. Albus cringed and snapped the book shut before shoving it in his bag again. "Don't expect any. Because I don't, and won't ever, love you." He smiled sickly and grew quiet.

There were a million and one things he _wanted_ to ask, wanted to say…. But he didn't want anyone to hear. He didn't even know how to begin talking about what had happened that weekend! He most definitely didn't even know if they were supposed to be acknowledging it outside of closed quarters….

The top thing he wanted to ask was why Scorpius had left the next morning without saying anything. It weighed on him – had he been that bad that he couldn't stand to be around him for the morning after? Or was he just doing his duty of keeping the whole love and sex thing separate? That was how it was supposed to be, after all. Date, sex, leave. The other things…they weren't supposed to happen. He'd almost messed that up. So he should have expected that kind of reaction, really. He should have expected some distance to be forced between them.

But at the same time…. He was falling fast and it was hard to handle.

He'd never felt like this before.

"Are you going to contribute today?" Scorpius asked nonchalantly, looking around the room before looking into Albus' eyes. The two of them – emerald and silver – connected for the briefest of moments, neither breathing, neither moving, neither looking away. Something magical pulsed between them – almost glowing and physically warming the air around them. If it had gone on any longer than a few seconds, Albus was sure people would notice. Luckily, the blonde had enough sense to break the contact swiftly and looked down at the table again. "Or are you going to stand there and make bedroom eyes at me this entire time?"

Through the rest of the class period, Albus found it increasingly difficult to keep to himself. His hands started to wander partway through, reaching over to look at the instruction book first. He just barely brushed their hands together then. After that, he would gently brush their knees together, intentionally swat away the other's hand in order to touch him, and even got so brave as to squeeze his leg when he performed a step well.

He was losing control over his every move.

Never in Albus' life had he been so grateful for the end of a class period. He'd been so excited to just get here and now…he felt if he stayed any longer, he would lose himself completely. He honestly couldn't wait to get to History of Magic and hear Professor Binns droll on and on for the next hour and a half. He knew he'd even take notes – anything to forget what was happening. Anything to keep himself detached.

"Make sure to read the schedule. We don't have class again until Friday, but I do have something planned for nearly every day. We'll meet at our table in the library." Scorpius muttered an incantation over the cauldron, sealing off the pinkish vapors it was currently emitting. "I'll keep the potion until then." He gave the barest of smiles, gathered the rest of his things, and was gone.

Taking Al's heart with him.

Sighing deeply, Albus continued to sit at the table. He felt like he had the other night – when Scorpius had so violently pulled out of him. He felt empty and abandoned. Fearful. Groaning, he allowed his head to _thunk_ heavily down upon the tabletop.

"One class down, how many more to go?" Frank gently prodded his friend's shoulder. "Merlin, you looked like you were in hell all class period."

"I was," Albus croaked out, raising his head and flashing a small, frustrated smile up at both Frank and Rose. "C'mon, let's go. He left behind this lingering stench of righteousness and I'm eager to be away from it."

They both laughed and Albus knew he was safe. No one noticed the way they would occasionally look at one another – like they knew every crack and crevice of each other's inner soul. Or was that just Al's imagination? He felt like he knew Scorpius inside-out, but maybe the other boy didn't know or care. He most likely didn't feel the same way. Perhaps his looks were fuller of heated lust. Imagining what he would do next time they were in a compromising position. Even that, though….

Shivering, Albus grabbed his things, making sure to keep a skin-to-leather hold upon the journal. It warmed under his touch for a few seconds, his name on the front glowing like embers again. He frowned at it, dying to know what it meant. But he had to settle for sneaking a peek later. He didn't want his friends asking questions.

_You're too obvious. Don't you know how to keep a secret? Don't you know you could ruin a lot of things if anyone found out about this bargain you have devised?_

_You're not supposed to fall for me. This is supposed to be fake. If you keep insisting upon touching me and flirting with me, I will have to call this off. Get your act together, Potter. I understand that you're new to this whole…sex without love thing. However, that is not an excuse. You wanted to do this. You need to do it the way we agreed._

Albus kept reading the words over and over again. He held the journal hidden within his massive History of Magic textbook. No one would ever notice. They might take notice to the fact that Albus looked like he wanted to punch something. His face was slightly red and he just glared at each and every word Malfoy had written to him.

Everything he had done in Potions class, the looks the gentle touches – they meant nothing to Scorpius. It was just as he'd expected and feared. _He_ meant nothing. He was a conquest. And why should that surprise him? He kept telling himself that this was just a deal they had worked out. That if nothing ever came of it, he would be fine. Why did he tell himself that? He obviously didn't mean it.

There was no denying it – not to himself, anyway – Albus Severus Fucking Potter was falling for Scorpius (Whatever His Middle Name Was) Fucking Malfoy. He was falling hard and fast and it wasn't something he could ignore. He was completely lost in everything that blonde git said and did. And he meant nothing…. They both knew this from the start, and somehow he just couldn't follow the guidelines.

When he had said that he'd loved Scorpius, with him powering over him that night, with their skin sliding against one another, with their mouths crushed and feeding off one another's breathe and moans and wine-drenched teeth, he had meant it.

He knew that. He was going to accept that. But with that acceptance came a pain he hadn't ever wanted to feel again. He felt used and betrayed and just wanted to die. Depression was filling his stomach and he wanted to vomit it up. He wanted to stay in bed and not talk to anyone for days and eat chocolate until he made himself sicker. This was how Aubadon and the two unimportant boys before him had made him feel. This time was supposed to have been different. He wasn't supposed to get attached like this so he couldn't get hurt like this.

He must have been pretty pathetic to knowingly put himself in such a position. Again.

A wave of nausea overcoming him, Albus closed the journal and slid it out of the book. He set it aside, looking at the see-through professor. He looked past him to the board, took a mental note of where they were in history, and laid his head back and stared at the ceiling. He drowned the ghost out with his own thoughts, knowing he could teach himself better later anyhow.

"Allie, let's go. Class is over." Albus was jerked back to life. His eyes opened, pulling him out of the almost-hypnotic dazed state he'd forced himself to be in. It was trick he'd forced himself to learn during his parents' divorce. If he couldn't see the world, couldn't hear the world…why should he have to fear the world? He looked up at Rose, nodding and gathering his things.

Another day over. Another day to tell him just what a mess he was. Another day that showed him just how much he hated to live and hated to be him.

"You gonna come down and watch us practice tonight, Rose?"

Albus looked up at Frank, his eyes wide, over his dinner. How had he gotten to dinner? Was he so out of it that he was losing time? "We have Quidditch practice tonight," he said plainly.

"Uh…yeah. Every Monday and Thursday. You sure you're alright, Al?" Both Frank and Rose were looking at him now like he'd grown two heads. This was the same practice schedule they'd had all four years he'd been on the team.

"Perfectly fine!" Albus said, and he sort of meant it this time. He had been afraid he'd have to Scorpius tonight. After that snide note in their special, stupid journals, he wasn't sure he could face that beautiful, self-righteous face tonight. And now he didn't have to! It was perfect and for once he was more than eager to go to practice. Under the table, he took the journal out from inside of his robes and scrawled a note before snapping it shut again. When he looked up at his friends, he wore a shit-eating grin and ate more beef stew than was possible for a boy his size.

_Quidditch practice tonight. Deal without me._

"Saturday's match was _atrocious_!" Her red hair whipping behind her wildly in the mild, fall wind, Lily paced in front of her team. She looked scary with her narrowed, bright brown eyes and her arms crossed across her chest. She wasn't a large girl – sure she had been growing into her curves – but she sure could be intimidating when she wanted to be. No doubt a trait she had inherited from her mother. " _None_ of you performed up to par. I'm half-tempted to scrap this _entire_ team and start over. But then I'm sure I'd just be worse off than I already am…." She sighed, stopping in front of everyone and flailed her hands up into the air. "What happened? Somebody please explain to me what _happened_!"

No one opened their mouth. All six players looked at their shoes, the darkening sky, the bleachers. Anywhere they didn't have to take accountability.

Albus especially couldn't meet his sister's gaze. He knew he had been distracted on Saturday and there had been no excuse for it. He was ashamed of what he'd nearly done to his team, his house, his sister who was supposed to admire him. More than anything at this second, he was very grateful he hadn't spat those hateful words he'd been thinking of in the common room. He probably wouldn't be sitting here any longer if he had.

" _Fine_ ," Lily spat, sitting heavily down upon the grass. Her skirt flew up with the wind for a moment, but she quickly drew her robes around her, unfazed. "We will all sit here and go position by position to figure it out. Starting with _Seeker_." She stared pointedly at Albus, waiting for an explanation.

If she had been anyone but his little sister, Al might have felt intimidated. But he just didn't. He sighed and shrugged, also taking a seat upon the cold pitch. They were losing light to practice in, but if this was the way she wanted things…. "I dunno, Lily. Maybe we underestimated the Slytherins. Or maybe we weren't ready. I suppose I didn't perform to my best ability. Is that what you want me to say? I'll take accountability for that. But ultimately I did catch the Snitch and we won."

"By the skin of our teeth, Albus! That's no acceptable! When James ran this team…." Their brother James had been the captain before he'd graduated. Lily had taken over right after and she'd always seemed to feel she needed to measure up. To prove herself. "When James ran this team, they were flawless and always won by miles. With half the team being the same, why aren't we still _winning_?" Lily let out a breath through her nose, rolled her eyes at her brother, and looked away. She must have decided his answer was satisfactory. He was off the hook – for now. "Beaters, then. Where'd you go wrong?"

The rest of the team had seated themselves by now. None of them looked too excited to be doing this exercise as they kept looking over at their abandoned brooms. But they seemed like they would cooperate. Their next match wasn't for a month, anyhow.

Frank was one of the Beaters. He was eagerly picking at the grass between his crossed legs. He shot a small look over at Al, clear annoyance in his caramel-colored eyes. The other beater, Alfred Bell, didn't say a word, either. Neither seemed too keen to share. Beaters weren't really…talkers, though. It was clear in the way they both fidgeted that they'd rather be whacking things with their bats.

"If none of you are going to take this seriously…." Lily's voice broken and suddenly everyone's eyes were back on her. She looked away quickly, but not before they saw one tear slide down her cheek. She took a few deep breaths, wiped at her face, then turned back to them with her eyes wild again. "If you won't take it seriously, I'll cancel this practice. You all can go back to whatever is more important than this team and be happy, little children again. Is that what you want?"

_No!_

Albus stood quickly, looking down at everyone in desperation. Someone needed to speak…. If he left practice, he had nowhere else to go but the library to help Scorpius…. He didn't want that! "Come on, guys!" he said on little more than a whisper. The rest of his words, however, were closer to shouts than whispers. "Someone else say something! We all did our fair share in nearly losing!"

Still, no one spoke up. Lily looked up at Albus with a small shake to her head, almost as if to say it wasn't worth it. He sighed heavily, stalking off to the Firebolt still hovering where he'd left it. "See? Albus cares?" he heard Lily say after he'd started to walk off. "I want the rest of you to write me an apology letter before next practice. Since you're cowards." She scoffed and soon Al could hear her scurrying along behind him.

It wasn't long before his sister caught up to him, huffing angrily beside him as she tried to match his quick pace. "Thanks for trying to stand up for me," she said gratefully to him, just as they came to the Entrance Hall. "Half of them are brainless, spineless arses anyway." She attempted a smile, which he could only half-return. "What?" she asked, reading him like an open book. Why was everyone able to do that?

"Nothing," he mumbled, gripping angrily at the broom handle. "I just really could have used a good practice tonight…. Now I have to go work with fucking Malfoy on our fucking Potions project." He groaned, hating the way his heart skipped a beat at the thought of being alone with that stupid boy.

"Oh…sorry," Lily offered up an apologetic smile, but it was too late. The deed had been done and he had to go through with the reaction. "Um…if he gets annoying, you can always start to offer him spiked drinks? Maybe that'd relax that stick up his ass." She giggled gently, surprising her elder brother with a sweet hug. Clearly their fight from the other night was completely forgotten. Something Albus would never understand…. How did people just forget their emotions that easily? He was still slightly ticked off at her…was she not with him? "Oh, Hugo!" Al flinched, watching her run off like he was a thing of the past towards the boy with the brilliant red hair. "Don't have too much fun, Allie!"

"Right…."

Albus took the walk up to the third floor as slowly as he could. He was hoping maybe he could reach the library late enough that it would close. He wasn't sure how far eight o'clock was…but it was most likely not any time soon. No amount of dawdling could save him at this point.

He walked into the library, head bowed and slightly nervous. He still had on his practice robes and noted that he still carried the Firebolt. Blushing, he tucked it behind his back before taking the labyrinthine path towards Scorpius' study corner. And just like a faithful guard dog, there he sat. He had the cauldron sitting on the desk beside where he was scribbling on a piece of parchment. He didn't even look up when Albus entered, but instead pulled out the seat beside him.

A seat Albus didn't dare take. He swallowed hard before propping the broomstick up on a bookshelf and took the chair across from Scorpius instead. Startled, the Slytherin looked up with a questioning gaze that masked his tired eyes. How long had he been sitting here studying? "Quidditch practice was…cut short," he said with a purposeful tone of disdain. Two could play the cold shoulder game.

"You're mad at me, now," Scorpius observed, pushing the chair beside him back against the table rather violently. He leaned closer to Albus, pushing his fingers into the mess of black hair atop his hair to push it out of his eyes. For a moment, he just searched the green orbs, trying to figure _something_ out. Al tried to wriggle away, but the grip on his hair was so tight that moving brought tears of pain to his eyes. "Are you mad because I called you out for flirting…or because you're mad I assumed you were?"

His teeth bared ferally, Albus grabbed at Scorpius' arm with his nails bearing down. "Let go of me, _Malfoy_. I'm not in the fucking mood." The only movement the other boy made was to reposition himself, his fingers tightening around the haphazard black locks. His raised a brow in challenge – one Albus was eager to meet. He growled low in his throat, eerily similar to the one he'd aimed at Frank that morning. Soon following was a reckless action he'd not thought through.

His teeth latched onto the pale forearm just barely in his reach, pulling his hair painfully. He wanted to scream and reach for his head. Wanted to make sure he hadn't lost chunks, but the black strands left in Scorpius clenched fist as he pulled away told him not to. "Did you just fucking _bite_ me?" Scorpius snarled, running his fingers over the deep imprint of Albus' teeth on his arm. There were two pinpricks of blood from the other's bottom canines. The Slytherin ran the pad of his thumb across them, smearing the tiny droplets.

When he looked up at Gryffindor across from him, Scorpius Malfoy had more passion in eyes than Albus thought capable for someone so heartless. He held his ground, hand on his wand and preparing himself with mental curses. He didn't want to fight in the library…but if he had to….

It seemed fighting was the last thing on the other's mind, however. He launched himself forward, sure, arms out towards Albus. But Scorpius didn't wrap them around his neck. He didn't punch him or kick out at him. Instead, his fingers tangled again in Al's hair, tenderly cradling his skull rather than tugging him into submission. He pushed the other up against a stack of books, causing a few to come crashing down on their heads.

The pair paid them no mind. Albus was already buckling under the weight of Scorpius' lips soon upon his. He keened for him, reaching back to grip his shoulder blades and bring him _closer_. He couldn't make sense of what was happening or what he was feeling in that moment. He'd have to try and understand the bloodlust he'd seen in those gorgeous grey eyes later when he relived this moment alone. But for now…this needed to just be _this_. They needed to live in the moment.

The moment where Scorpius ground hard against Albus' leg and he couldn't stop himself from answering with a bite to his shoulder to stifle a moan. The bite fueled the other on further and…he just didn't know why. All he knew was he didn't want it to stop. Ever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my darlings enjoy this sexy smut-fest chapter. Please make sure to review. If you don't know what to say, tell me what you liked. What you didn't like. I just appreciate the feedback.

Romance was supposed to be tender and careful. It was supposed to be about kisses that stole your breath away because of how perfect they were. It was planned gestures that were meant to bring smiles. Roses, chocolates, secret smiles, stolen moments, hand-holding, and love. Love, most importantly, probably.

Something romance was _not_?

Being dragged up through secret passages and stairs in the library until you reach the Astronomy Tower, where someone throws you down on the hard floor.

Albus hissed as the back of his head bounced up off the stone, but he didn't move an inch. Scorpius was above him, pulling his belt off with a sadistic grin. He looked evil and malignant in the light from the waxing moon above them. The beams and the darkness clashed together to form the perfect lighting to color him just right. His blonde hair glowed brightly and his nearly perfect, white teeth were visible even from the Gryffindor's position. He swallowed hard, suddenly finding it a bit difficult to breath.

This boy was stunning. Why did he need to sneak around with anyone?

"Let me," Albus whispered, sitting up and moving to a kneeling position in front of the other. Something about the lightning and the dangerous atmosphere had brought him to life. He was feeling…sexy and wanted to _worship_ this god above him. He grinned back up at the Slytherin, feeling braver than he had since he'd even been sorted into his house. His fingers easily found button to the other's trousers, working his fingers around them almost teasingly. Or at least that's how he made it seem. Really, his fingers were shaking a bit and he was having to use slow, deliberate motions to get anything done.

Once the button was popped, he easily slid the zipper down. It was then that he looked up at the Malfoy boy. Their eyes met and Al couldn't help but to let out a small, anxious laugh. Scorpius tangled his fingers in the mess of black hair below him with one hand, bringing the other up to lick at the blood still only barely pooling in his bite wound. Albus gasped, unsettled by how much he loved the image.

He quickly looked back down, straight ahead at his target. He took a deep breath in and let it out as he shimmied the dress pants down to Scorpius' ankles. "You're almost luminescent out here," he said under his breath, reaching up to slip his fingers under the stark, white dress shirt and grey uniform vest. "Like a ghost. Or a vampire." He grinned, the bloodlust he'd seen so plainly in the other's eyes bringing strange visions to his mind. Gently, he lifted the coverings up and leaned forward to press soft kisses to Scorpius' lower belly.

The noise the Slytherin made…. It was like vocal ecstasy. It made Albus _melt_. He shivered happily and gripped the boy's thighs before kissing him just a hair lower. " _Fuck_ , Albus…," Scorpius groaned, thrusting his actually underwear-clad genitalia closer to the other. "Don't be a tease."

Frowning, but still managing to look positively adorable, Albus shifted back just a bit and sighed up at Scorpius. He didn't know how to be a tease. So…wasn't he already not be a tease? He bit his lip, watching annoyance slide onto that gorgeously florid face. He offered up a shaky smile and nodded, sliding back into position before the other boy. "I've just never done this before," he whispered, hoping his explanation was satisfactory.

"You're off to a good start," Scorpius said with a lascivious grin, backing up against a wall, bringing the Potter boy shuffling after him. "But you need to take off the rest of the…clothes in the way." He did a small wiggle of the hips, waggling his goods in front of Albus' eyes.

Again, Albus nodded and returned his eyes to the boy's midsection. He forced himself to actually look further down now, blushing as he realized just how close he was to Scorpius' manhood. He was thankful for the darkness so that it could hide the shaky way his breath was coming in and out as he reached up to tug at the plain white briefs. In one, swift motion, he had the small scrap of clothing down with the trousers and he completely stopped breathing.

There was this beautiful organ before him that he just…had a hard time believing to be real. He'd had this _inside_ of him and yet…seeing it this close was a different story. A stark contrast to the rest of this almost colorless body, Scorpius' cock was a dark, throbbing purple. It was already standing half at attention, almost reaching out towards Albus in longing. He licked his lip nervously, leaning in and wrapping his fingers around the creamy thighs before him.

How they had come to this point just…didn't matter. They had flipped and this was…something different than they were just moments ago. But this something new was exciting and scandalous. He wouldn't want to trade this moment for anything in the world right now. Even if tomorrow it wouldn't mean anything. "Just…promise to help me," Al whispered, leaning in to gently kiss the swelled head before him.

Scorpius gasped in response, his member rising to attention. He couldn't promise or voice any sort of agreeance in his state. But he was able to nod eagerly and grab onto that mop of hair again, pulling Albus in closer.

He must have been doing something right….

Feeling a little more comfortable, Albus repositioned his footing and leaned in again. He took a breath and let it out on the heated flash, pressing a more open-mouthed kiss onto the side of the cock before him. Slowly, he moved his hands from holding onto Scorpius' legs to bring them to a more adventurous position. With the opportunity to worship a cock…he was going to take all the liberties he could. He slipped his fingers into the curls at the base of the member. He narrowed his eyes in the bare light, examining their color and grinning. He could only match it to the manicured eyebrows and fluttering eyelashes above him and it was such a beautiful contrast to the stark blonde of the head full of curls.

The more he witnessed, the more adventurous Albus became. He shivered eagerly in the cold nip of the air, sliding those fingers again to take a chilly hold of the heated flesh. Both boys arched their backs in mutual rapture. Albus smiled, dragging just the tip of his tongue over the already weeping slit. He then snuck a peek up at the recipient, reveling in the way he was coming completely undone.

Feeling powerful and in control.

The small amount of fluid Albus had lapped up was unlike anything he had ever tasted. The longer it fermented in his mouth, the more he found he liked it. Sort of. It was sour and salty, and yet there was a hint of sweetness to it. It was that sweeter part that he liked was curious to try more of. He eagerly slid his tongue deeper inside the tip – desperately trying to get anything he could.

Above him, Scorpius began to squirm, his fingers hovering in the air over the Gryffindor's hair. He didn't latch on, but Albus knew he wanted to. He wanted to be in control. He was always in control….

"C'mon, Albus… _suck it_."

Flashing a mischievous grin up at his lover, Albus opened his mouth and took a leap. He pulled in about half of the massive length before him, closing his eyes and sighing in something like content. Though he wasn't sure why, this felt…right. And he was actually pleased that he could make the boy shake under his ministrations. He ran his tongue over the sensitive underside, following a vein back down to the tip and dragging his lips slowly across the sensitive flesh.

" _Fuck_ …."

Scorpius didn't hold back any longer. He thrust his fingers into the messy, dark hair and gripped tight. He didn't push or force he just…held. It was almost a reassuring gesture that let Albus know he was doing okay. This was a good start.

Albus took in a deep breath through his nose, sucking on the tip once more before deciding to try more. As he let the air out, he took as much of the length in as he could. He didn't have a large mouth, but he felt he did pretty well. When he stopped, tears coming to his eyes from the almost-triggered gag reflex, his nose was just barely skimming those dark curls. He backed off again for just a moment before sucking the cock right back in and allowing the tip to jab against the back of his through for just a second.

"A-Al…get off." Albus startled, pulling his mouth back to milk a little bit more pre-cum from that delicious slit. " _Fuck_ , Albus…. I want to come inside of you. Get _off_." The blonde yanked at Albus' hair, pulling him away and shoving him back down on the ground. This time he had the time to actually brace himself, but he could still feel the beginnings of bruises on his elbows.

No more than a few seconds later, Scorpius was kneeling over him. He was quick to push away the Quidditch robes and undo the blue jeans underneath. "Why are you always dressed in such horrid clothing?" the blonde asked on a hiss, but with his eyes shining like that, it was hard to take him serious. He yanked the pants and boxer shorts down all in one, reaching at the same time for his wand. It wasn't long before his fingers were slicked with a spell Albus would have been humiliated to try and learn. He was sticking them inside of Al, then, causing him to forget that trivial thought. He was grateful Scorpius knew it – it felt amazing to have any part of him inside of him.

"Hands and knees," Scorpius said on a ragged breath, stretching two fingers inside of the other.

"What?" Albus asked quietly. His brain was fuzzy – he was having trouble processing the simplest of words with the way he was being touched.

Even with the darkness making it impossible to see the Slytherin properly, Al knew he was rolling his eyes. He was frustrated in more ways than one. Blushing, the Gryffindor shook his head and thought back over what he had been told. _Hands and knees…._ He wanted him on his hands and knees so he could take him from the back. Meaning he wouldn't get to see any of the beautiful faces he pulled. He bit his lip, wanting so badly to protest. But at the same time…he didn't want this to end for any reason. He would just do as he was told for now.

Very careful not to dislodge those long, probing fingers from inside of him, Albus flipped his position. He propped himself up as instructed, his knees digging into the stone underneath him uncomfortably. From this position, he couldn't see anything. He didn't know why the other removed his fingers or what was going to come next. He shivered, stemming from both anticipation and the cold, night air around them.

And then, just as Albus was starting to think maybe Scorpius had left him, there was a subtle sensation to his entrance. He gasped, holding his breath as he was filled so _completely_. The Slytherin was thrusting in him, deep and hard and fast, sealing them together as one whole person instead of two broken shells. The rough texture of the stone under him was scratching his palms and knees and he could feel the blood just begin to pour. He'd leave marks when they were finished but he just didn't _care_. It felt so good….

The first time they had done this, it had been slow and careful and calculated. It had been a textbook first time. But they were past that now. Somehow they'd tapped into something more passionate. This time, Scorpius didn't even need to touch Albus' cock to get him too release. He was already there by those reckless thrusting motions.

And then their angle shifted just slightly and it was all over for him. Al's eyes flashed open and he let out a scream, splashing his seed over that cold stone floor. "Oh, _fuck_ , what did…. What did you just do?" he asked on the most ragged of breaths, tingling from his shaking arms down to his toes. He'd never felt anything like that…. It was like his whole body was frozen and on fire all at once.

"Hit your prostate, most likely," Scorpius hissed, gripping Albus' hips so tight he might leave bruises. "Clearly…you've never been fucked adequately." His low chuckle was menacing and took Al's breath away.

"Tell me you love me again."

Frowning, Albus craned his neck to try and look back at the other boy. But in this darkness and at this angle, he couldn't see a thing. Eventually he gave up and sighed, letting his sweat-drenched forehead rest against the cool stone. He so badly wanted to know why he was supposed to say something that had absolutely outraged the blonde only two nights earlier. But at the same time…he felt this was something he wasn't supposed to question. He sighed softly, bit his lip and just…let it go. Trying as hard as he could not to let it show that he actually meant it with everything he was.

" _I love you, Scorpius…._ "

An intense heat splashed inside of Albus and Scorpius gave a few more of those haphazard thrusts to ride out his orgasm. Both boys breathed harshly together, their bodies rising and falling against one another as they slumped into a tired heap on the floor of the Astronomy Tower. Scorpius wrapped his arms tightly around the other boy, not even bothering to remove himself from inside of him. It was important to remain this close. Just for now.

"We should heal your...your cuts." Scorpius' whisper tickled Albus' ear.

He smiled softly and turned in the boy's arms, pulling the satisfying length out as slow as he could. Once he could see the lust-blown silver eyes, he shook his head back and forth soundlessly. It was then that he stole a kiss, giggling as he buried his face in the Slytherin's chest afterwards.

"Albus, don't be ridiculous. They could get infected." Scorpius reached over to where the Gryffindor had been kneeling a moment before. His blood had stained the floor. He ran his finger over one of the handprints, coming up with a red fingertip. He examined the blood seriously for a second, then sighed and sat up, wiping his finger off on Al's crimson robes. "I'll fix them. It might sting for a moment." He looked around for his wand, finding it lying a few feet away.

After pulling his clothes back on, he crawled over to it, picked it up, and crawled right back over. His expressions were guarded. As much Albus tried to read into them, he found that Scorpius was a brick wall. He was…closed-off and Al was pretty sure he lived mostly on borrowed emotions. Did he ever really feel for himself? Sighing, he sat up himself and held his hands out towards his temporary lover. "Go ahead, then."

Scorpius nodded, running his wand wordlessly over the scrapes on the other's palms. They had taken the brunt of the injuries, but sealed right up leaving not a single trace of what had been. His knees were next and he even was nice enough to clear his release out from inside of Albus. Afterwards he was able to redress as well. "Thank you," he whispered, reaching up to feel the back of his head. It was sore, but when he pulled his hand back, it didn't seem to be cracked open. "Are you going to heal yours?" he asked as he looked back up at Scorpius, finding where he'd bitten him earlier.

The thing that started all of…this….

"I might leave it. As a reminder." Scorpius chuckled darkly, standing up without another word and heading to leave.

This time Albus wouldn't allow him to leave alone. He scrambled to his feet as well, rushing after the blonde in desperation. "A reminder of what, exactly?" he asked as they went back the way they came, crossing through all of the passageways and secret doors easily.

"That Albus Potter actually has a fierce and dirty side. Who would have guessed?"

There was something about the glint in those gorgeous, grey eyes that Albus knew he didn't like. He gritted his teeth, taking the rest of the way back to their table in the library in silence.

"We didn't have a date before this one," he said quietly as he sat down in his chair. Like nothing had even happened. "That breaks our deal a bit, doesn't it?"

Scorpius shrugged, watching Albus carefully. Watching the way he squirmed under his gaze. How he couldn't sit still and had to be fidgeting with his sleeve. "I'll make it up to you," he said simply. It almost even seemed like he meant it.

"Alright…. Um, what do we have to do tonight?" Albus asked under his breath, averting his eyes back down to the table. He felt way too intimidated to meet the other's eyes. He might have also been a bit ashamed of what had happened not that long ago. They had fucked so passionately, so vividly that he wasn't sure he could forget it…. But if he wanted not to love this boy, he _had_ to.

"I've already finished everything for tonight."

Albus frowned, looking up at the cauldron on the table. It was no longer emitting pink vapors, but instead sat motionless, swirling its blue, sparkling self. "Oh, um…. Good work," he praised and sat back down. "That's how it's supposed to look at this point, right?" Scorpius replied with a nod, then pulled a roll of parchment closer, writing fluidly upon it. "Great. Um…sorry I wasn't able to contribute." He cleared his throat, watching that beautiful, almost calligraphic writing ink onto the paper. "So…."

Clearly frustrated, and probably annoyed, Scorpius snapped his once-again-steely eyes back onto Albus. "You can leave. I won't stop you. We don't need to make…false niceties. We're not some…sippin' on sunshine type of couple that needs to force conversations post-coitus. So if you feel awkward…maybe it's time to go." He raised a brow in challenge, then looked right back down at his parchment.

Swallowing hard his pride, Albus stood up from the table and reached for his abandoned broomstick. He wanted to say something before walking off…. Wanted to make it seem like this was a closed day. He just didn't know what words to use. So he had no choice but to leave silently. He a few steps away, stopping to look with regret at the blonde beauty. Then turned and strode off quickly as he fought the urge to tell the boy that he loved him again.

That could ruin this good thing they had going.

And it really was good. As much as it was messed up and probably unhealthy to his mental stability, this felt like the best relationship Albus had ever experienced. It might not have even been an actual relationship. But it was still somehow better than even the way he got on with his family and friends. And it was infinitely better than any of those three boys that had hurt him over the summer.

If he had to lie to himself and the one he was starting to fall head-over-heels in love with in order to keep this, he would. He would stop at nothing for this. Even if it was an extremely embarrassing secret that he might have to take to his grave.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the delay! Albus' anger threw me off a bit in the middle and I'm like whoaaaa. I had to figure out how to calm him down a bit... But I'm finished! Here you are, hopefully I can get another chapter up this weekend. As always, please comment!

Conflicted, torn up, and starting to feel an ache throughout his entire body, Albus crossed the four floors up to Gryffindor tower. He entered the common room and passed right on through without even looking around. He didn't care who was there, anyway. He just…wanted to be alone. Frank couldn't say a single witty thing to make him feel better right now. Rose couldn't pry any secret out of him tonight. What he really needed was just a good, solid night all by himself. Again.

And he was sure they would both be asking why the next day. But right now he just didn't care. For now…he just needed to sit and think. Alone.

He climbed up to his dormitory, closing the door resolutely behind him and leaning against it. After only a minimal scope of the room, he collapsed to the floor, his whole body shaking with sobs. He wasn't the type to cry – honest. Usually he could express his emotions in other ways. He could count on one hand the amount of time she had let loose with tears since he'd became a teenager; and only one of them had been for all three boys that hurt him over the summer. But this time…something was different. Something was tearing inside of him. He felt broken and bent in strange ways he couldn't describe.

Was this what it felt like to grow up? To mature and to fall in love? Or was this just…a shitty side-effect to his shitty choices?

He pressed his palms deep into his eye sockets, curling his knees up to his chest. What he wanted more than anything right now was to feel whole and complete. But he just couldn't help but to feel like there was a piece of him missing right now. Scorpius had stolen it. He had taken it from him and it felt like the only way to get it back was to sleep with him. And that can't have been normal.

Any sort of love that felt like your heart was being ripped out of your chest could not be normal in the slightest. Albus was sure of this. He had never been _in_ love, really. And yet…he just had this innate feeling….

It could be possible that the reason he was feeling so torn up, though, stemmed from Scorpius' need to brush all of this off. He was very adamant that this was not _anything at all_. As much as Al might want it to be…. So that was...making him feel split inside? Was that possible? That he could hurt this bad from feeling rejected?

It really was all his fault to begin with, though. He had suggested this from the get-go. He had been the one to say that they should go down this rollercoaster ride. But…he really had thought he would be okay. Never in a million years could he have predicted that he would fall this fast for Scorpius Malfoy, of all people. And he was still lost as to how it exactly had happened.

How _had_ this happened?

"A-Albus…?"

Gasping startlingly loud, Albus jumped and looked out from behind his knees. Frank, missing his shirt and donning a dark blush, was kneeling next to him. He reached out to place a reassuring hand over the crying boy's, offering a small smile. "Albus, why are you crying? Did…?" He took in his friend's disheveled appearance – his mussed up hair, the dirt on his pants, a strange stain on his robes – before his eyes turned hard. He was immediately standing up, his fists clenched tight at his sides. Albus had never seen him so…tough. It was equally enthralling and worrisome. "Did he hurt you?! If that little Malfoy shit did something to you…. I'll kill him. He won't get away with whatever he did."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Albus jumped to his feet, as well, stepping forward to place calming hands upon Frank's chest. "Frankie, chill. Okay? Please…. Malfoy, um…. He didn't do anything to me. I swear," he lied easily, hoping his hair was at least covering the tips of his ears. No matter how spot on his tone was, they always turned flaming red when he avoided the truth. "The reason I'm crying is…. Well, it's private. I'd prefer not to say, if that's alright. I'm fine, though." He tried for something like a smile to try and ease his friend down a few notches. He knew it came out looking incredibly forced, though. "Honest. I'm…. I just need some sleep, I think. Exhausted. You know?"

"All of this lying, Albus, is rather unnecessary, don't you think?"

The instant he heard Rose's voice, Albus suddenly became very angry. He wasn't positive why, exactly, but he just knew he didn't want her here for any reason. His eyes flicked over to Frank's bed where the curtains were mostly drawn. The only part that was open had his cousin's head poking out of it, all of her wildly curly hair looking frizzy and unkempt. He looked away from her adamantly, clenching his hands tight at his sides. "Rose…why are you in here…?"

She seemed to miss Albus unbridled wrath because Rose actually had the gall to giggle. This only served to worsen the hate in the Potter boy's eyes. "Really, Allie? You can't guess what Frank and I could be doing in his bed with the curtains sealed?" Eyebrow raised, she made a point of looking Albus over in return. She noticed his state easily, knowing it very well. "Since I'm sure you've been out doing the same thing, I don't think you're one to judge, either."

If there was an emotion past extreme anger, Albus was there. He could feel his nails tearing into the palms of his hands and the sound of his heartbeat was like a roaring in his ears. All he wanted was to rush over to that bed and rip his cousin's throat out. This type of irrationality wasn't normal for him. All of the things he had done today…where had they come from? He questioned them in that instant.

And yet he didn't question _anything_ about wanting to take revenge on Rose for her words. He stalked across the room, every motion calculated and menacing. Her eyes followed him, racing a brow as if she didn't believe what she was seeing. Her cousin, who wouldn't hurt a fly even on a bad day, seemed to be losing control. "Don't presume to know what I've been doing," Albus said under his breath, the timbre of his words oozing a deep-rooted darkness.

"Oh, come on, Albus!" Rose nearly shouted, a smile wide across her face. She didn't take him serious. She was _laughing_ at him! She thought this was a joke! "You've got orgasm written in your eyes!" she shouted, removing herself completely from the bed. Her shirt was also missing, but she still had on her bra. With a chest as large as hers, though, this didn't mean much. "And I can tell a spunk stain when I see one. Albus, you've been out copulating, and you can't hide that from me." At the end, she winked, trying to keep playful.

Albus didn't want to have it, though. He wasn't ready to let this out in the open. If he admitted to having shagged someone, they would want to know who. And…he just couldn't reveal that. They just needed to mind their own goddamn business….

And yet...if he continued to try and defend his personal space, they wouldn't let up with the questions. If he flipped out right now on both of his best friends, he might lose them in the process of keeping something questionable intact. Was it really worth it? This one moment of thinking in the midst of his outrage could be what saved him if only he were to listen to it….

As he loosened his fists, Albus took in a deep breath and let it out. It was something his parents always told James to do when he would get angry. It always seemed to work for him and it gave him a sense of himself at this moment. His anger started to dissipate, giving him a more rational sense of the situation.

The best thing to do was just forget it. Go back to himself and his usual ways and just let this roll right off his back. And then hide.

"I'd rather not talk about it," he said calmly, coolly, and moved over towards his own bed. "Just as I would prefer not to talk about whatever you two might have been doing before I came in. Please respect this. _Please_." He looked up only to give a firm and meaningful glance to both of his friends. They were staring at him like something foreign and alien. But that didn't matter. As long as they listened to him, this could all just blow off in the metaphorical wind.

A few minutes passed before anyone else was able to say anything. Albus had climbed into his bed and had rid himself of his dirty clothing. He was ready to try for some sleep and was in the process of climbing under the covers. It wasn't until then that Rose spoke up with a small nod, attempting a smile. "Sure, Allie. We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to." She stood from Frank's bed and pulled what had been shed of her clothing back on. "What kind of friends would we be to disrespect your privacy?"

With a grateful nod in return, Albus drew the curtains around his bed and cast the appropriate silencing spells. He was alone in his own little place and he felt _safe_. He felt like he could let loose again those tears he'd begun earlier. They streamed down his cheeks just as easily as they had before, wracking his chest violently with each sob. He broke more and more apart with every single drop into his hands.

Right now, he would have given the world to be off snuggling up to Scorpius' side instead of crying like a pathetic mess in his bed. He wanted to be basking with him in this love that was beginning to bud inside of him. He didn't _want_ to be afraid of what might happen with these feelings. All he wanted…was to revel in the moment of it.

Even though he didn't want this cavity inside of him to hurt more, Al found himself thinking back to what they had done this evening. The purely carnal, bloodlust-driven, raw sensuality of it coming back in vivid detail. Every bite, suckle, kiss, raptured moan, and whispered intoxication made his flesh feel like it was ion fire in that moment. He groaned, coming out watery and pathetic as he slid further under the sheets. He wanted to sink into them and never have to return to the world for any reason. He wanted to become forgotten and wasted so he might not have to feel this way ever again.

Desperate for some sort of answer – any sort of answer to anything – Albus reached for the journal he'd stuck under his pillow again. He pulled it close, flipping to the last page that had anything written upon it. It was still when he had told Scorpius he wouldn't be able to make it to the library earlier that night. There was no secret profession of love as he might have hoped. No small note on how wonderful he had been that night. Nothing to suggest that the other missed him or his body in any way, shape, or form. He felt a little disheartened by this, but at the same time he wasn't exactly surprised.

A weakened form of anger returned and he took ahold of the pen he had stuck inside the book. He wasn't sure what he wanted to say, but Al set ink to the page, anyway, allowing his emotions to guide him. And without reservation, he began to write. His words transcribed upon the page without allowing thinking to hold him back.

It wasn't until he had finished that he even looked over the words. He allowed the meaning of every single one to sink in and just stared at the page in shock.

It was a letter of complete and utter confession.

_I want to avoid you._

_I want to avoid everything about you._

_Scorpius…I just wish I could never see you or anything that you might become every again._

_But I'm weak._

_And I'm in love._

_And the way I feel when I_ do _see you makes me understand that I can't stay away from you._

_I know you don't feel the same way._

_I know you hate everything I am with everything you are._

_Don't bother trying to deny it, it's clearly written upon your face._

_To you, I'm just this object to fuck._

_I'm just something you can use._

_And, worse than that, I want to be that think that you fuck and use to the end of this earth._

_I know that's wrong._

_I know I wasn't supposed to fall for you._

_But the fact remains that I have and I cannot deny that and feel whole._

_I love you._

_I need you._

_The rest is up to you._

Albus Severus Potter…had written a rather dumb and unrhyming piece of romantic poetry…. He scanned the words, his lip peaking in disgust as he finished. The words made his stomach churn uncomfortably and he knew what they would cause in Scorpius were he to send it.

"Fuck this," he whispered and tore the page out, tossing it to the end of his bed. He put it out of his mind. He didn't want to think about that bile-inducing piece of prose. Were he to ever send something like that to the Malfoy boy, everything would be over. They could never be the same again. It was almost a love letter, and he had vowed not to send any of those. That one piece of paper could end everything he was secretly strived for.

He would start again.

_Why didn't you allow me to finish sucking you off? Was it…horrible? I can try and do better next time._

That was better. That was neutral and lacked feeling; it was only lust. It was safe to send something like that, so he closed the cover and didn't think a single second on it. A small, satisfied smile came through his emotions as he tried to compose himself. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, taking a deep breath in and letting it out swiftly. Breathing seemed to be key to this whole wayward emotions thing.

Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, Albus laid fully back upon his pillows. He pulled the cover snugly around him and curled into his signature fetal-like sleeping position. But he made sure to have the journal right by his side, tilted and angled just so that he would be able to see when a reply came in. He just wanted to see Scorpius' beautiful calligraphic handwriting before he went to sleep. He wanted to see something endearing come from that boy.

If he couldn't fall asleep in his arms, protected from all harms, then this would have to do as the next best thing.

No replies came that night. Eventually Albus just drifted off to sleep somewhere after midnight, feeling slightly like a trainwreck.

He woke the next morning with the worst headache he'd ever felt accompanied by dull pain in every single one of his joints as well as his backside. He hissed as he sat up, hating the internal clock inside of him for not allowing him a little extra sleep this morning. Instinctively, he checked the journal and found no glowing words upon the cover. Just to be sure, he frantically checked inside to see if there were any new words.

Nothing.

For a moment, he forgot to breathe. He felt like the air around him was rushing around him and he was just…sitting there. Frozen. Slowly, he managed to swallow the lump in his throat and closed the cover once more. Sealing off the lack of wording.

He had to tell himself that Scorpius wasn't ignoring him. He wasn't purposefully not answering him back to make him feel like the less than nothing person that he was. He was just…busy. No doubt he had assignments – any thoughts of which to his own Albus had completely neglected. He was most likely sleeping last night, as well. It wasn't right to assume he could drop everything and reply right away.

Right?

It still took a moment longer than it should have, but Albus managed to compose himself. He thrust open his curtains, taking in the rest of his sleeping dormitory with satisfaction. All was normal. He could pretend things _were_ normal if only they stayed as such. He continued to take measured breaths – something he was sure he would have to keep doing the rest of the day – as he dressed and gathered everything he would need for today's lessons. Herbology and Defense Against the Dark Arts.

They were fairly easy classes, even for being N.E.W.T. levels. He could handle them. Defensive spells were something he could perform in his sleep – all part of being prepared. And plants…they were plants. He didn't have to do much in that class except follow simple instructions and read text. He wouldn't have to give much focus towards this day and he was grateful for that. He knew he couldn't possibly be on his best attention today, anyway.

The last thing Al stuffed inside of his bag, almost reluctantly, was the journal. He didn't want to be constantly reminded all day to check it. But at the same time…he knew he would regret leaving it behind. What if Scorpius did reply and he wasn't able to read it right away?

Sighing heavily, he shouldered the bag and headed as he usually did for Frank's bedside. Biting his lip, he noted the drawn curtains and very hesitantly took ahold of one of them. He wanted to fling them aside and wake him. At the same time…he was pretty sure he knew why they were closed. Frank wasn't likely to sleep alone inside of them.

"Um…Frankie? Time to get ready…?" Wincing in expectation, he pulled just enough to sleep a sliver inside the encased bed. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, but when they did he definitely noted two bodies, however much they were entangled together to seem like one. He cleared his throat, a slight measure of confidence returning as soon as he was sure they were both clothed. "Rose," he whispered, slipping behind the curtains and kneeling at the foot of the bed to shake his cousin's leg.

The redhead yawned and blearily opened her eyes just slightly to look at him. Her arms clutched tightly around Frank as she closed them again, sighing happily. "Morning," she barely murmured in response and gave no motion to show that she was going to move.

Albus hated people that disliked mornings.

Giving a frustrated sigh, he managed to crawl over both bodies in order to shake her shoulder. "Rose, get up. You want to be gone before everyone else is awake. Trust me…."

"Oh, shove off, Allie," Rose grumbled back in response, reaching up to weakly push at his chest. She did, however, sit up this time. It was at least an effort to get out of bed. Her hair stuck out in a frizzy nest even more so than the night before and her eyes were shrouded in day-old makeup. But at least she was clothed this time. Half-aware of her state, the girl pulled the hem of her stupidly pink shirt up to wipe at the black under her eyes. The result was a nasty looking stain upon the fabric that she was likely not to notice. "Why should I get up…?"

Settling back onto the end of the bed, Albus watched her with narrowed eyes to make sure she wasn't going to lie back down. "Because the rest of the guys are likely to give you shit for sleeping over. Not sure how public you're wanting to make this… _thing_ between the two of you…."

Her eyes still glazed over with sleep, Rose looked down at Frank. He was still sleeping soundly like nothing was even going on. He looked innocent and sweet and Al could tell that his cousin was considering this. She bit her lip and nodded slowly before wriggling out from beneath the blankets. "Thanks," was all she whispered before peering outside the curtains and then disappearing.

"I don't think any one of our dorm mates would say anything negative to her…."

Albus shrugged, unbothered, but didn't meet Frank's eyes. He really was just trying to protect her…but he couldn't deny that he was satisfied she wasn't here to disturb the atmosphere of their strictly 'boy' zone. "She could have at least kissed you goodbye." Without a word further, he crawled out of the bed, as well, and waited for Frank to follow suit.

"She might have if you weren't such a jealous prick."

_Jealous?_ Wincing and feeling an unfamiliar fire ignite inside his belly, Albus walked a few steps away from his friend. What did he have to be jealous of in the other's book? He had not a single feeling of romance towards Frank – they were best friends! And Rose was his cousin, not to mention that she was inherently female. He wasn't _jealous_. That was preposterous. "Just trying to help," he whispered quietly, crossing his arms but remaining completely detached from everything. He didn't want to start a fight today. He just wanted…normal.

"Yeah, well…." Frank shrugged and sighed deeply, eyes narrowed as he tried to read his friend. He dressed quietly, throwing small looks over to the other every few moments. Al wasn't sure why, but he wasn't going to read into it today. He didn't care enough.

"We didn't have sex last night, by the way."

Nose wrinkled in disgust, Albus met one of those glances and raised a brow. And why would he care if they had? They were free to shag all they wanted. That didn't concern him. Why? Because he wasn't jealous. And he was going to continue to ignore that growing feeling in his stomach that he couldn't identify to prove that. "Sorry? Is that what you want me to say? I cock-blocked you and I'm sorry?"

Frank actually managed a snorting type laugh. He straightened his tie and crossed to his friend, squeezing his shoulder gently and meeting his eyes with a genuine smile. "Nobody says 'cock-blocked' anymore, Al. And I wasn't looking for an apology. I was…just trying to reassure you."

Albus looked up at his slightly taller friend. (Okay, at six foot four he was exactly eight inches taller, but that didn't matter….) He took in the smile and the laugh and the kind way he was speaking. He took it all into consideration, brows knitting together as he pieced it all together. His mind worked in puzzles and if he could deduce that this was a normal fit for all of these different factors, he could allow this day to go on as planned.

"Okay," he said finally, bringing his own upturn of lips into play. "Well, thank you. I am satisfactorily reassured. Can we get breakfast now?" The smile widened slightly as he turned away and headed for the door.

Today could be a good day. He could _make_ it a good day.

"You're limping!"

Eyes wide, Albus stopped walking partway down the stairs that linked the Gryffindor common room to its dormitories. He adjusted the level of pain he would decide to show and resumed his steps calmly. "No, I'm not," he whispered, almost screaming on the inside from the force it took to keep his movements normal.

The eyeroll was obvious in Frank's voice. "Yes you are!" He caught Al's arm, stopping them both and looking his friend deep in the eye. Again. What was it about his eyes that were so telling to _his_ emotions in particular? Was there a screen inside of them that read out exactly what he was feeling? When he was lying? When he was hurting? When he was hollow? "Al, why are you limping? Is your…leg injured?"

_No, I got pounded last night. I don't expect you to understand…._

"I tripped," Albus lied, jerking away and finishing his descent as quickly as possible.

Frank followed hesitantly, his eyes narrowed and his arms crossing over his chest as he reached the bottom step. From there he just kept staring at his friend, watching the way he was walking. Calculating it all and finding that it just wasn't adding up right…. "This has something to do with last night, doesn't? Rose was right."

"I usually am!" Rose laughed as he came down from the girls' side of the dormitories, wearing a fresh set of robes and looking flawlessly put together for just being away from them for such a short time. She stopped beside Frank, giving him a smile that lasted slightly too long for Albus' taste. Then turned to look at where her cousin had stopped, a few feet from the portrait hole. "What am I right about this time?"

Sighing softly, Frank leaned in closer to his friend – _girlfriend?_ – and whispered something that caused her to bring her had up to her mouth to conceal a giggle. Today, this frustrated him more than embarrassed or angered him. He rested back against the wall, allowing them to gossip and come to whatever conclusion they wished. In the end, though, he wouldn't _have_ to share anything and that's what reassured him.

"Okay, so…you're limping today. Or walking funny. Whatever. I was right about last night, then. Wasn't I?"

Albus shrugged, examining his fingernails with great interest. "I thought we weren't going to talk about this," he said just loud enough for them to hear over the few people between them in the common room. Most everyone was either still sleeping or down at breakfast already, so he wasn't too worried about privacy. "You know…because I don't want to."

With the utmost abandon and synchrony, the two began to laugh. At him. They looked at one another, Rose reaching out to clutch at Frank's arm as she nearly doubled over. Al merely wrinkled his nose in distaste and rolled his eyes, watching them come over to him with feigned indifference. "Oh, sweety," Rose said gently, pretending to wipe away happy tears from her eyes. "That was just for last night! You know, when you looked as if you had the capacity to drown a mermaid in your angered state…."

"Mate, you can't get off the hook that easily with us. You should know this by now."

Though they were both ready to laugh this whole thing off and joke about it, Albus knew that he most definitely was not. He wasn't the type to hold a grudge, but he couldn't deny that he was a bit hurt by their nonchalance at this whole ordeal. He had been _crying_ last night, and all they wanted to know was who he hooked up with. They were willing to shrug off the pain he'd been in if he asked them to, but not the juicy details of his sex life? "Well I still don't feel like talking about it…so bug off," he said under his breath, turning on his heel and stalking away.

Or, well, stalking away as best he could without irritating the pain in his backside even further…. So it came out a bit childish and pathetic.

Which only served to cause Frank and Rose to laugh _more_. He understood why they couldn't take him seriously…but honestly could they at least try?

"We're still not going to talk about the two of you, though! At all! I'm am _not_ ready for _that_! And I can't say I ever will be…."

That was something Al was going to be adamant upon. They could joke and prod all they wanted about his personal life and what they suspected might be going on. _However_ , he didn't want to have to hear anything about the changing dynamics of this three-way-friendship. He couldn't handle something so strong and so meaningful in his life to just fall apart right now. As it inevitably would once this ended in tears….


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the posting delay on everything! I was reading the Divergent series and couldn't put it down long enough to write anything! But updates on other things (as well as a one shot Divergent fix) are coming soon. Promise! Please enjoy! Next chapter will be more... interesting. Promise :D As always, be sure to comment!!

Two days. Albus waited two whole days for a response. He saw not a single glance of Scorpius in those two days of agony. Tuesday, he wasn't in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, and Wednesday he didn't attend Ancient Runes.

Honestly, he was worried. There were no notes in the journal, and he checked that leather book every five minutes. Where was he?

The worst part was that no one else seemed to notice his absence. Since he wasn't in view, they didn't care to speculate anything about him. And he most certainly didn't want to bring the subject up himself. What if they began to wonder why he cared so much?

Wednesday, according to the schedule, they had a step to perform for the potion. It was supposed to take place shortly before their Astronomy lesson that night. But by the looks of it, the other wasn't going to show up.

At dinner that night, Albus couldn't keep his teeth off his lip. He kept tearing off small chunks inside, tasting blood to keep him reassured. Though he wasn't all too sure why, he felt uneasy. He felt like maybe something was wrong. Maybe Scorpius was hurt or in trouble. And he _cared_. Immensely.

"Why do you look so anxious?" Rose questioned, nudging him in the side. She followed his eyes over to the Slytherin table, frowning in reply. "What're you looking over there for?"

Blushing darkly, Albus lowered his eyes and shrugged. He'd been caught…. How was he supposed to explain that without giving himself away…? "Uh…. I have…. Or I'm supposed to have…." He cleared his throat, wiping his sweaty palms on his trousers. "Tonight Malfoy and I are supposed to…work on our potion. He's been gone the last two days…."

"So? Do it by yourself. You don't need that prat! You're brilliant, mate!" Grinning with maybe a hint of disgust behind it, Frank leaned over the table to raise a brow at his friend. "I wouldn't count on him for much, if I were you. Honestly."

They were right. After waiting this long for a reply in the journal or for just a glimpse of that blonde head of curls, shouldn't he know this for himself? Shouldn't he know that he couldn't rely on someone who lacked care by so much. And yet…. He shrugged, scooting his hardly-touched roast around his plate. "Yeah, I know…. It's just…he has the potion. And we're going to finish just in time as it is. I can't really afford to start over. I'm just fairly sure he's going to fuck me over…."

Honestly, at this point, he couldn't care any less about the potion. If they lost all progress on that front, he didn't care at this point! He should, seeing as this was a large chunk of his grade this year. It would determine how high in the class he graduated. It would determine his future, depending on what he chose to do after graduation. And yet…he just couldn't make himself care at this point.

All he wanted was to see that luminescent pale face again. He wanted to feel his touch, no matter how minimal it may be. He just….

He missed him.

"You'll get it sorted out," Rose snapped. She looked…frustrated. Or annoyed. Something was off with her. She didn't have the patience tonight for her cousin's complaints and worries. And the roll of her eyes accentuated that.

"Right…." Albus sighed, pushing his plate away and standing up from the table. "Well, since you're in a pissy mood…. Frank, can you walk me up to the dorm? Maybe sit with me in the library…?"

Unmoving, Frank shook his head. "Sorry, Al. Rose and I are working on our potion tonight. You're on your own." He looked across the table at his girlfriend, forcing a slightly strangled smile. A good guess at Rose's bad mood was that it stemmed from a fight they'd had. It was starting to go south, just as Albus predicted.

"Oh…." A little downtrodden, defeated, deflated, Albus nodded sadly and took a step back from the table. He felt like he needed the company today…. But that wasn't something they would understand. Not in the midst of their own drama. "Alright. Have fun…." He turned on his heel, his heart beating erratically as he walked away from his comfort-zone – alone.

Desperately, his eyes scanned the small crowd leaving the Dining Hall at the same time he did. He needed company. He didn't want to walk alone. He wanted someone at his side to distract him from his worry.

"Oi, Louis!" he shouted, all-too-happy to find someone he knew. Hurrying past other students, and even managing to knock over a first year with a mumbled apology, Albus pushed his way over to his cousin.

The small-framed boy looked up through the curtain of strawberry blonde hair that hid his stunningly attractive face. Due to the veela genes passed down from his mother's side, he was a beautiful man. He was almost entrancing. But Louis wasn't the type to flaunt it. He knew he was good-looking, but he didn't particularly want that to be something that made him. "Albus," he said simply with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey," Albus said with a small smile, falling into stride with him. "H-how are you…?" he asked softly. This was one of his cousins he didn't talk much with. They didn't have a lot in common…. Louis was a sometimes abrasive Slytherin with a surprising flair for Muggle film. Albus was a meek, dangerously shy Gryffindor who lived for knowledge and comfort.

Snorting at the awkward tension between them, Louis stopped walking just outside the hall. "Do you need something, Albus?" He tucked a good chunk of hair behind his ear and leaned against a wall. "You don't usually come to me for a chat…."

"No!" Albus nearly shouted, blushing and looking around self-consciously once he realized his volume. "Sorry…. No, I don't need anything. I just…wanted someone to walk with…."

Rolling his eyes, Louis leaned in and whispered, "You don't have to lie. If you want to know where Scorpius is, you can just ask…." He winked, like he knew something he shouldn't, and leaned back away again. He was smug. What gave him that right?

Albus took that look in fully and tried to examine it – to understand it. He swallowed hard, not particularly liking the conclusion he was coming to. What if he knew? What if it was so blatantly obvious that everyone knew and they were just keeping it quiet to save his ego? He shifted uncomfortably on his feet, looking down to the floor and slowly shaking his head.

But he wasn't about to deny that this was actually his deep-down motivation for talking to Louis. He did want to know…. Even if he hadn't realized that when he'd approached the Slytherin in the first place. "Where is he, then?" he asked quietly, his cheeks flushing with a blush that seeped down his neck. "I…. I need to know for our Potions project, that's all. Only reason I'm wondering…."

Very gently, and rather kind for the boy, Louis rested his hand upon his cousin's shoulder. He gave him a reassuring smile that told him that he just might know everything. Or pretty close to. "Scorpius and I are by no means close…," he said under his breath, squeezing the arm gingerly. "He isn't really close to anyone now that Aubadon is gone. But he did speak to me before he left. He wanted me to tell you…should you ask…that you shouldn't worry. His grandfather is rather sick. They're afraid he might not pull out this time. So he's back at home for a bit…. But he's confident he'll be back soon." He gave a toothy smile, taking obvious pleasure in knowing something he probably shouldn't. He knew this was a secret, the fact that Al would care. He liked being in on it. "He also said not to worry about the potion, he has it taken care of. Alright?"

Now instead of being worried over Scorpius' mystery absence, Albus had something else to focus on. He frowned down at the floor, suddenly wishing to see the boy to see if he was alright. To make sure he wasn't grieving to hard. To know that there was someone there for him in his time of need.

Not exactly the type of thinking for a noncommittal fling.

"Yeah, alright," Albus whispered, a lump swelling in his throat. He knew now why the other was gone, but it didn't make him feel an ounce better. He just wanted to see that surly face now so that he could try and comfort him. Even if that meant he had to get on his knees for him. "Thank you, Louis. Um…. Thank you." He raised his eyes long enough to give a minimal smile before turning away.

Louis hadn't moved his hand yet, though. He squeezed his cousin's shoulder once more before Albus was moving away, causing his hand to fall. "You're welcome. And I know this isn't really my business, but be careful. That's all I'm going to say." As the other paused to consider his words, Louis took the opportunity to move past him with a kiss to his cheek. "Have a good night, Albus!"

With that, Albus was left alone. Except now he was a bit less…agitated and could actually handle the silence his lonely footsteps made. He could now focus on the information he'd been given and deal with that accordingly. Although he still couldn't deny that Scorpius' absence was making him feel quite hollow.

In a daze, the Gryffindor made his way back up to his dormitory. He didn't raise his head as he walked through the common room, as there was no one there he cared to see. At that moment, he was solely focused upon the leather-bound journal gently tucked inside of his backpack. He flopped down upon his bed, drawing the curtains around him and holding the book tight to his chest.

His fingers numbly moved through the pages – barely filled out. There still weren't many notes in the journal they shared. The last one was still the question he had asked from their Astronomy Tower tryst. But now he felt like he needed to write something else….

Something reassuring.

Something that was probably over the line of their purely carnal relationship. But something that also might move them past that…if they could. Which was something he really longed for at this point, and he was completely owning up to that.

_Thank you for talking to Louis. I really appreciate it..._

Rolling his eyes, Albus grabbed his wand and wiped what he'd written so far. That wasn't right. He didn't want to come off gentle and grateful. He wanted this boy to know that he was lost in his absence.

_I just talked to Louis. He told me that your grandfather is sick. I just wanted to say that-_

What exactly did he want to say? _I love you and I miss you_? That was out of the question. He needed to make it more subtle.

_I just talked to Louis. He told me that your grandfather is sick. I'm sure you're fine, but I had to let you know how sorry I am to hear it. Anything so severe to take you out of school can't have a great effect on you, I'm sure. I'll be here waiting if you need to talk, any time._

_And thank you for taking care of the potion even in your distracted time._

_See you when you get back. Hope to talk to you soon._

_-Albus_

Swallowing hard, Albus looked over what he had written. It seemed…distant, and yet there was a hint of closeness to it. A small attachment of care to the tone. He smiled at it, feeling slightly satisfied as he closed the cover. He could handle the other seeing that. He wouldn't know that he was truly in love if he didn't care to read into it.

And if he did…well, maybe they should start being honest with one another?

Sighing happily, Albus set the journal aside and laid back on his pillow. He hadn't realized just how tired he was until now. How much sleep he'd lost while thinking about that damnable Malfoy boy. His eyes closed before he'd even thought about that darkness and soon he was drifting off.

"Albus, wake up."

Groaning, Albus curled further into his fetal position and hugged the pillow tighter. "Bugg'r off…," he mumbled into the quilt curled up to his face.

Whoever was trying to wake Albus up wasn't going to let up that easy. They sighed heavily and pulled his curtains all the way open, hopping up onto his bed and lying beside him. Wrapping their arms around him. Holding him close and grasping his….

His eyes flew open and he turned to look who was behind him.

No one.

His heart sinking, Albus laid back down and faced up towards the canopy above his bed. The curtains were still closed. His waist was still devoid of a pair of strong arms. And he was thoroughly awake, yet still tired.

Taking in deep breaths and letting them out slowly, Al tried to calm his erratically beating heart. For a moment there, he had vividly imagined Scorpius climbing into bed with him. Holding him with such surety. Fondling him out of his sleepy haze. And now he was actually disappointed by the fact that he was alone.

This was getting a bit out of hand.

Equal parts dejected and knackered, he checked the time – half four in the morning. He didn't even make it through a full night of sleep. His fingers found the journal in no time, wanting to pass the time until breakfast with…what? Useless pondering on the small amount of words Scorpius had actually written to him?

He wasn't even expecting a reply to his short letter earlier. That was so far out of his mind at this point. He merely opened the pages to read over what he'd said. Question if it was still acceptable or if he needed to take the words back.

So sure was he that there would be no answer back that Albus didn't even check the cover to see if his name was lit up with embers. He just flipped to the page where his letter was and set his eyes to the page. Until he saw the calligraphic writing upon the previously blank one next to it. Frowning, he hurriedly scanned the words and grew a happier smile with each word.

_Albus,_

_Most people aren't as understanding as you seem to be. The Prophet ran a small set of opinion articles about Grandfather's looming death, claiming he would hardly be missed. The people who pass his room at St. Mungo's whisper things about him. It's absolute agony. No matter what our family has done about reparations after that war…we are still the pariahs of this society. We're still the family that got off prison sentences because of the Great Savior's testament. No one will ever take us seriously or respect us._

_We're scum._

_Grandfather passed away last night. This is all I can think about while I'm grieving. Father keeps telling me it would be okay to shed tears. That I can cry and let it all out – apparently it will feel better. He, Mother, and Grandmother have all been bawling their eyes out since his vitals went flat. And I just…can't. I don't know why not. I am deeply saddened by this whole thing. But I still can't bring myself to truly show it._

_Something must be wrong with me. I keep sneaking off to check on the potion and make sure we're set. For some reason I care more about that than attending the sparsely attended memorial tonight. I just don't want to let you down…. I should have left the potion in your care. Maybe that's my fault here. I'm sure you would have done amicably with it._

_Anyway, I plan to be back Friday morning. We are burying Grandfather tomorrow. We can discuss our project in Potions class._

_Try not to miss me too much, Albus. I know you're longing for me._

_Bet you can still taste my cock, huh?_

_-Scorpius H. Malfoy_

_P.S. Your blow-job was beautiful. I just wanted to be inside of you. You have such a wonderfully tight ass. I'm absolutely lost as to why Aubadon would ever let it go._

It took Albus nearly three times of scanning every single word before he could fully comprehend everything. He read deep into the confession over Lucius Malfoy's death. He tried to understand why the other would break down so fully just for him. And then he attempted to dissect why he ended it so raunchy. Did he feel uncomfortable revealing so much of his inner thoughts?

Yes, the letter had ended on such a slightly embarrassing level. But…as he read the words, in a way they sounded almost sincere. Genuine. Sweet? He smiled and ran his fingers over the black ink that swirled so hypnotically to form words. Sure, the way he complimented him was a bit sick and perverted. But it was a compliment, nonetheless. And he'd called out his friend's mistake.

Deep down Scorpius was a good guy. Maybe… _way_ deep down.

_I could bring that out in him…._

Though it was only one day, the time that passed between Thursday and Friday was like agony. Albus had to put his sole focus on his studies in order to get by. The moment he stopped to think about the Slytherin's absence in DADA was the moment he would begin to slip. He didn't even take a look at the journal since that first read because he knew it would pull all of his focus for the rest of the time before Scorpius' arrival.

He was falling behind in his classes and he couldn't afford that right now.

"Look at you, study bug!" Plopping down beside him on the couch in front of the fire, Rose gave her cousin a winning smile. Not that she had any other type. "What are you writing?" He pulled close the end of the parchment roll that was so long it drug on the floor, examining the words with a wrinkled brow. "Is this the essay on water plant cross-breeding? Allie, this isn't due for another month! You're nearly finished…." She looked back up at him and tilted her head to the side. "Are you okay?"

Albus laughed it off, it was easier than thinking about an answer. "I'm fine, Rose! I'm just doing my coursework. Getting ahead in class. That's a good thing. Relax." He set his quill aside for the moment, smiling over at her. Taking just a few moments to focus on her – it would be fine. _He_ would be fine. "How are you?"

Straightening back up, back ridged and eyes alert, Rose raised her shoulders and allowed them to fall like she was defeated. "I'm….fine, too. I guess. Why do you ask?"

"For one," Albus intoned softly, curling his legs up underneath him as he turned to fully face her, "you look like I just asked you to kill someone. And for another, I was being polite." He leaned in, grasping her face and pulling close to press their foreheads together. "Talk to me, Rosie."

With a loud groan of frustration, Rose melted and mimicked her cousin's position on the couch. "I know you don't want to talk about Frank and I…."

She was right about that. It had been five days and he still wasn't ready to accept that there was such a thing as her and Frank. Wincing, Albus shrugged, but didn't pull back an inch. "Not really…but if that's what you need to talk about, I'm all ears. You're more important than my urge to vomit at the thought of the two of you doing anything…more than friendly." He ended that with a small smile, but that didn't mean he wasn't really fighting off that urge at that moment.

That inkling of consent was enough for Rose to consider continuing. "Okay, well…." She sighed and fell into the couch back, the absolute picture of dramatic overreaction. "I don't want to hurt him, Allie…." She sighed and threw her hands up in exasperation before tangling one of them in the hair at the top of her head. "Frank is such a nice guy and he just…. He shouldn't have fallen for me! He told me he loves me, Allie! Merlin, why did he have to say that?!" She let out a pitiful half-scream and gripped her mass of rusty curls tighter.

"Because that's how he feels, sweety," Albus reassured, frowning. It was bad. It was _very_ bad. This could tear their perfectly knotted friendship apart. "You can't tell him not to feel that way just because you're not capable of returning it!" He shook his head, then took a deep breath and went a different direction before he caused a fight. "Sorry…. I'm just saying, don't get mad at him because he loves you. You did it to him, after all." He smiled reassuringly and reached over to pat her knee.

Rose shrank away from the touch and wrinkled her nose. "That was rude, Allie. I am capable of returning it. I just…don't return it…yet." She shrugged, setting her feet back down upon the floor. "How dare you…."

As he looked up to see her, truly see her and no the problems clouding his vision, Albus realized his mistake. She had come to him to talk about how insecure she was, not to gripe about another boy falling for her. This wasn't about her commitment issues, it was about her trying to get over them. The tears in her eyes were a good testament to that. "Shit," he whispered, scooting closer to her and wrapping his arms securely around her shoulders. She deserved better than his assumptions. Since when was he that type of person? "I'm so sorry, Rose…."

"Whatever," Rose whispered, but she rested her face into the boy's neck. "I just…. I feel like maybe I do love him and I just…. I can't tell him, Allie. You know that." She sniffled, her tears drenching his collar. "He's my _friend_. That's how I should think of him. I shouldn't love him. Therefore I can't love him. And he can't love me."

"He can be your friend and your lover at the same time," Albus reassured, even though he was screaming otherwise inside. He just wanted to keep things normal between all of them. "You can love him and he can love you. That won't…. It won't change anything…."

_It'll change everything._

"You really think so?" Rose looked up, surprise all over her face. Clearly she had been expecting her cousin to say something completely different. Wiping her tears off quickly, she once again gave him that heart-stopping, panty-dropping smile. "You _really_ think we can all still be friends if…if Frank and I love one another?"

Albus shrugged, hating the serious, wild look in the girl's eyes. "Yeah, of course," he lied easily, reassured by the fact that his hair was should be covering the tips of his ears. "Why shouldn't you be able to be friends with him at the same time? Don't let that hold you back. You'll break his little heart…."

With an almost patronizing giggle, Rose grinned at Albus and rubbed his upper arm. "You're too good to me, Allie. I know you're dying inside. Your ears are red." She reached up to tweak the left one and laughed a little louder.

His eyes narrowing with only slight anger, Albus swatted her hand away. "Twat," he hissed and stood up off the couch. "I was trying to help you, you know. Takes a lot out of me to hide what I truly think to make you feel better." He picked up the contents of his backpack that were spread out around them. "But if you're just going to poke fun, I'll stop. I'll just sit here and hear out your complaints. I won't say a word in reply. Is that what you want, Rose?"

"What's got you so on edge, Allie…?" A gentle hand closed over Albus' as he grasped the leather journal. He stiffened, gripping the book tighter. "This is what we do…. We banter back and forth. We're goofy. It helps to ease whatever we have on our minds. It's normally a good thing…. But lately you act like you can't be bothered."

Albus looked back at her, his eyes wide with fear and apprehension. She was questioning. And he wasn't very good at coming up with on the spot lies and excuses. "Um…." He swallowed hard, looking back down at the journal again. "Sorry…. I just, uh…. Just, uh…."

Rose was smart. She could have been top of the class with her cousin if she were more focused. So it didn't really take much for her to catch on. "Is this your diary?" she asked quietly, pushing Albus' hand away and slipping her fingers tightly around the book. Before he could register what she was planning, she had already lifted it up off the table. "Will _this_ tell me what's going on with you? Since you can no longer confide anything in me, apparently."

As he straightened up, Albus' breathing grew deep and erratic. If she opened up past the first page…. It would reveal too much. Not everything, but enough that he wouldn't know how to react. She would hate him. "Don't. Please." He reached out for the journal, but didn't grab it from her. He didn't want to seem desperate. "That is…private. And I would be mortified if you read it. Please, just give it back to me…."

With a roll of her eyes, Rose tossed the journal down onto the couch. "Then tell me!"

"I can't!"

Albus' shout rang through the common room, louder than he had intended. A few people stopped what they were doing to stare, bringing an alarmed blush to the boy's cheeks. He waved at them nervously before turning his eyes to the floor. "I just can't tell you, Rose. I'm handling this…mess of mine on my own. Okay? I'm sorry…. I'll just try harder." He hadn't even realized how emotional and scared he was until his vision swam with tears.

For a long moment, Rose was quiet. She stared at her cousin, arms crossed over her chest, calculating. But in the end, she took the two steps between them and circled her arms around the boy. Holding him close as he shook with silent sobs. "Shh, shh, Allie…." She ran her fingers through his hair, listening to his breathing calm before continuing, "You don't have to tell me, okay? You're entitled to your secrets, as much as it frustrates me." Her lips were warm and comforting as she pressed them to Al's temple. But her whisper that followed sent cold shivers down his spine. "But whoever this guy is, Allie…. If he's causing you this much stress, he's not worth it. Just remember that."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you all at a bit of a hanging for so long! I got a bit stuck until today. But here is the newest chapter! Please remember to comment! I don't care what you have to say - good or bad - I just love to read other people's thoughts on my works. Thanks!

Albus' nerves danced uneasily as he sat at the table at the back of the Potions classroom. It was Friday and Scorpius was supposed to be back today. He was excited and yet…he was also quite unsure of himself. He wanted to see the boy, that wasn't the part he was unsure on. He just wasn't sure if this anticipation inside of him was a good thing or not.

It had been a week now since the potions had been assigned to their partners. A week since they had met in the library. A week since he had been given his promise ring back. A week since he'd noticed the sexual tension flooding the air between them. A week since they had kissed.

Just a week. By no means was that a long time. But it felt like it had been ages since they started this. It felt like he had known he loved this boy for ages. How had it only been a week?

He sighed through his nose, looking down at the sparkling rubies upon his finger. He absently ran a finger over them, biting his lip. There was no denying just how excited he was to see the blonde back today. He just wished they could be alone for the first time he saw him. He wanted to show him just how much he had missed him. He wanted to give himself to him in the hope that it would ease his sadness, even just slightly.

But it was better this way. He could control himself in a contained classroom. If they had chanced upon one another earlier this morning in an abandoned corridor, he might have done just as he'd wanted. And he would have been sure to confess his love.

That was a bad thing.

It was better like this. They could pretend they hated one another. The way it should be.

Burying his feelings, Albus looked up towards the door. He watched it, making note of every single person that came through. He didn't want to miss the entrance.

Though it was something he thought about every second, Albus found that he wasn't fully prepared for the moment that boy came gliding through the door. His heart gave a flutter that took his breath away and his palms suddenly felt slick. He had to swallow around the uncomfortable lump in his throat and yelled at himself to avert his eyes.

But he just couldn't. He couldn't help but to watch the way the Slytherin ambled over to him, juggling his book bag, the cauldron, and a stack of parchment rolls with strange ease.

"Potter," Scorpius greeted him quietly, keeping his eyes strangely averted. Usually he met a person's stare with the utmost confidence. He was proud of every action he made. Why wasn't he so proud now?

Pursing his lips together, Albus took note of the boy's appearance. He wore the uniform, but it looked haphazardly draped over his body instead of the usual careless perfected state it usually hung on him. His green and silver tie wasn't even cinched correctly. To further his disheveled look, his platinum curls framed his face less accurately than normal. They were a bit flat and frizzy – like he kept running his fingers through them every few minutes.

The most alarming trait about the Slytherin, though, wasn't how he wore his clothing and styled his hair or that his eyes were rimmed with puffy, red skin. It wasn't that he avoided looking him in the eye or that he took his seat tentatively. What really tipped Albus off to something being wrong with him was the gentle smile he was given before they started to set up.

"Are you alright?" Albus asked under his breath, opening up his leather journal to their schedule. Pretending like he was absently looking over their plan for the class period.

He expected a snappy remark or to be ignored completely. The in-character reaction would be for Scorpius to give him a bit of a glare before going back to unshielding the top of the cauldron. What he had not expected was the quiet mumble of a response. "I would prefer not to talk about myself, if that is quite alright…."

"S-sure…." Albus' brows knit together and he had to practically force himself to keep his eyes on the journal. He so badly just wanted to stare at the boy and understand him. "Um…let's talk about the potion, then. Are we still on track?" His voice easily conveyed just how much he was faking the interest in the beginnings of the salve. He would gladly give up good marks on this particular assignment if the two of them could just be alone right now. If they could be somewhere they could talk openly. If he could have the opportunity to massage away those deep frown lines.

Scorpius bobbed his head in a noncommittal nod. "Yes, we are. I didn't dare deviate from the schedule. It is important." He stared down into the still sparkling blue liquid, watching it with a completely vacant expression.

He seemed broken.

After a quick glance around the room to make sure no one was watching, Albus made a snap decision. He scooted their stools a little closer and rested his hand upon the Slytherin's knee under the table. It was a small gesture – he didn't even grip, just rested it there – but he felt like it could be something to comfort the other.

The instant the touch registered, Scorpius' eyes were wide and latching upon Albus'. They conveyed a type of fear and sadness that he just wasn't sure he'd ever seen in someone before. He _was_ broken. "What are you doing?" he whispered, barely moving his lips and throwing fervent looks around the room.

Albus' resolve didn't waver. He kept his hand right where it was and accompanied it with a reassuring smile. "I have Quidditch practice again tonight," he said, not even bothering to answer the question. "But I think I should skip. We really should make up for our lost time."

~*~

"Are you sure your sister will be okay with you skipping out?"

After an achingly silent Potions class followed by an Ancient Runes class full of unsure glances, Albus was more than ready to be alone with Scorpius. Instead of taking seats at what had become their table in the library, they had set up their things atop the Astronomy Tower. The atmosphere around them was much different this time around than it had earlier that week. They were quieter and most definitely weren't writhing together in passion upon the harsh stone floor.

They were quiet.

Albus raised his eyes up from the Herbology essay he was finishing, looking over at Scorpius for the first time since they had sat down against the crushing cold wall. He pulled his cloak tighter around himself, shrugging and setting the parchment aside for the moment. "She'll survive. If she gets upset…. Well, she is sure to be upset. But the worst she could do is kick me off the team. That'd be more of a blessing than anything, really." A small shiver ran down his back, but he wasn't sure if it was from the weight of the confession leaving him or the sudden burst of wind knocking into his chest.

Slowly, Scorpius nodded, but didn't return the eye-contact. Ever since they had sat down, he hadn't removed his eyes from the night sky atop the dim mountain range ahead. He was off in his own world, and Albus was partially okay with that. He wasn't exactly the type of person to pressure someone into speaking about difficult subjects.

"Do you hate Quidditch?"

Caught off guard, Albus let out a more abrupt laugh that he'd intended. He covered his mouth with a blush. "I don't _hate_ it," he said quietly through his fingers. "I mean…." With a sigh, he lowered his hand, set aside his parchment, and scooted along the chilled stones so he was sitting across from the other boy. Trying to get him to look at him. "Yes, I'm pretty good at my position. But I'm not wild about the sport. I'm not wild about any sport…." He smiled and shrugged, wrapping his arms around his knees to try and keep himself warm.

Somehow Scorpius managed to look right through the Gryffindor boy. His eyes were clouded over with what could have been unshed tears and he seemed not to notice the nip in the air. He hadn't even worn a cloak and just had his uniform to shield him from the crisp, fall night air. "I see," he said without an ounce of feeling or semblance of recognition to the other's words. It was like he was just talking to fill the time.

Sighing heavily, Albus looked away from those dead, grey eyes. He looked out over the rest of the empty tower, landing on the spot he remembered from their last time up here. Where he'd been taken so forcefully…. He shivered for an entirely different reason than the wind and managed a faint smile. There was no evidence left of what they had done – the rainstorm the night after had washed away all of his blood, the house elves had washed his stained robes, and his backside had ceased to ache a few days ago. But he remembered how it felt….

"Sometimes it helps to talk about it," he said quietly, shifting his gaze back to the unmoving blonde. He shifted just a bit closer, showing that he was keen to listen if needed. "I know you sort of explained what you're feeling in the journal, but you could-"

For the first time since they had sat down nearly an hour ago, Scorpius made an actual shift in position. He brought his legs closer to his body, even if it was minutely, and reached out to rest his left hand upon Albus' knee. The motion had startled the Potter boy into forgetting his train of thought.

"Have you lost anyone…close?" Scorpius asked under his breath a moment later, letting his hand slide back down to his side. He looked defeated – like he had given up bothering with façades for the moment. There was something broken open inside of him preventing him from caring about trivial things like being proper.

For a long moment, Albus considered the question. What was close? After all, he wasn't particularly close to anyone, really. He kept people at bay, except for a few – it worked for everyone. They didn't have to try and relate to him and he didn't have to feel uncomfortable. Win-win for everyone. But that wasn't really what Scorpius was asking about, was it? He just wanted to know about blood-close, most likely.

"About…four years ago, uh…my cousin- Well, he's not really my cousin. Teddy's my dad's godson, but he's like a cousin. Anyway, his grandmother, Andromeda, passed away. It was a quiet, rather natural heart attack. He and Dad were…shattered. I didn't know her all that well. Yes, I saw her every holiday and made nice with her. But we weren't…close, no. That's the only death I've had to deal with." Albus shrugged and sighed softly. "Nothing…major…."

"I remember that," Scorpius said quietly. His voice was genuine and clear of all contempt. He wasn't even speaking like himself anymore. "She was my grandmother's sister. Grandmother was a wreck…. She said she'd lost her other sister during the war – wouldn't say how. But she and…this Andromeda woman were not close. They talked occasionally, but that just broke her.

"This time, though…." His throat sounding choked and constricted, the Slytherin paused to swallow. His hands were shaking at his sides and he looked as if he was holding back vomit. Carefully choosing his words. "My grandmother loved him. She loved Grandfather with everything she had. People criticize our family for who we marry. Marrying for money. For lineage. Marrying to preserve our Pureblood heritage. What they don't understand, though is…. My mother and father love one another very much. My grandparents loved one another possibly even more. They went through so much together! And then…it just ends."

Like he couldn't believe what he had seen in the last few days, Scorpius shook his head back and forth. His forehead came down to rest upon the top of his knees. His arms formed a shell around himself, protecting him from anything else. He was closing off. But that didn't hide that he's just opened up so vividly.

Albus found himself wondering if he ever opened up this much to anyone else. If even Aubadon knew the inner workings of this boy's mind. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, not sure what to do with the sudden revelations. What is there to do when someone who is as cold as ice suddenly divulges their secret thoughts?

It took only a second of thought for Albus to come to his decision. The awkward silence was choking him and he _had_ to do something! He couldn't just sit here with this boy he didn't know. He needed the Scorpius back that made him feel strangely at ease. The one that was dark and brooding and made him feel like he was doing something horribly wrong every time they were together. They were lacking that air of danger.

This was feeling far too real.

Swiftly closing the gap between them, Albus pushed Scorpius up against the stone wall behind him. He pulled the boy's strong arms around him, desperately pulling his legs apart and sliding between them. Their lips crushed together with a harsh, needy fever behind them. Every single movement he made was driven by pure desperation to return this boy to a whole being.

"I'm sorry for your loss," he whispered against smashed lips. His hand slid between Scorpius' thighs and palmed the boy teasingly. "Show me how much you're hurting..."

Groaning against his will, Scorpius arched up into the touch. His expression was still empty, lacking any response. But his eyes - those silver pools of vulnerability - showed more than words ever could. He wanted this. Al could see that plainly. And yet... There was something there begging for an escape. He wanted his worries and his grievances to disappear.

Couldn't he provide that?

"We shouldn't," the blonde protested. His hands moved to rest upon the other's chest. Firm, but demanding. _Commanding_. "I'm not in the frame of mind. That's not why we do this, Potter... That isn't part of our game." His hands began pushing now, insistent. "Get up. Now."

Something about this spark inside of Albus had brought Scorpius back to life as well. It just wasn't in the way expected. There was more anger and resentment than anticipated.

"I'm not your fucking boyfriend, Potter," Scorpius spat, pushing up to his feet. He left the smaller boy kneeling on the ground, looking like a chastised child. "We are not a couple." The word sounded like acid on his lips. "We don't lean on one another to forget pain. We have a set plan for our…activities. I apologize for not following this plan the last time – but that does not change this."

Albus wished that he would stay. He wished he would change his mind and come back to him. He wished with everything he was at that moment to just feel the boy's lips on his neck, his chest, his stomach, down every single inch of him. He wished he wasn't walking away at that moment…. "S…. Scorpius…," he whispered out gently after him. But that blonde hair was swiftly whipping around the corner.

Away.

And with his absence came an overwhelming sense of emptiness for Al. He groaned loudly, clutching at the ache in his chest and falling against the stone wall. It felt welcomingly cool against his heated cheeks. Brought him a bit of calming he desperately needed to clear his head.

~*~

The week went by agonizingly slow. It wouldn't have been so bad if Albus didn't have to see Scorpius at all. But every time he glimpsed that boy around the school or in a class…his heart just sank down into his stomach. But Potions class was the worst. Having to sit beside him and pretend like everything was alright….

Scorpius didn't ever say a single word to him. He would hardly even acknowledge his presence. They would work on their salve and that would be it. In those passing days, there were no 'dates', no carnal acts of lust, nothing written inside the journals.

Seven whole days of absolutely nothing, was what it was.

And the nights were ten times worse. Every night as Albus laid down to bed, a clear depression began to settle in. During the day, he was able to block all of this out. He could focus on classwork or making menial conversation with Frank and Rose. It was busy work. But when he was alone in the dark behind his curtains with his own thoughts….

Every single day made it worse and worse. Most likely because he was able to actually continue to reflect on what it was he was so upset about. And in the end, by the time the next Friday rolled around, he was fairly sure he knew exactly what it was.

Albus loved Scorpius and the rejection he'd received was life-shattering. The words he'd used were like nails in a newly sealed coffin. What they did meant nothing but sex and games to the other boy. He didn't think Al worthy enough for comfort. He didn't think they should be able to do whatever it took to make one another feel better. And he most definitely reviled the thought of ever being in that kind of relationship with him.

And that lack of future was scaring him to tears before he fell asleep every night.

"Shh shh, you'll wake someone!"

No one else was awake at this hour. It was Friday night, nearing on two in the morning. All of those who were sane would be sleeping. Which, of course, was why Albus was still awake. But there was absolutely no reason, in his book, that whoever was whispering should be up and walking around as well. Frowning, he peeked just slightly out of his curtain, just in time to see two shadowy figures slip into Frank's bed.

_Of course._

"Take it off, stud muffin. Momma wants to make you feel good."

"Rose…that's actually not as cute as you think." Frank laughed and there was the sound of a zipper coming undone next.

"What do you want me to say, then, Frankie? What will get you hot, baby?" Albus could hear wet, sloppy sounds that he didn't even dare identify due to the labored breathing it accompanied. "Or should I just not say anything…?"

"You don't need to say anything, baby…."

Albus' lip curled in disgust the more he heard. His friends tried to be quiet, he could tell, but that was a difficult thing to do with teenage hormones. He heard every single moan, excited giggle, stilted breath, squeaky spring, and suction noise. Every. Single. One.

And still he laid there. It was disgusting and he wished he could unhear their extremely straight sex, but he just couldn't bring himself to move. His body was pretty much asleep, while his mind was fully awake. So he just allowed himself to be scarred. As disturbing as that was.

"Let me clean you up." There was a few more sucking noises before the torture ended. If there was a Muggle God out there, he was silently thanking him or her or them right there. If it had lasted any longer, he was sure he would have thrown up.

"Beautiful, baby. Just…fuckin' beautiful…." Albus could practically hear the satisfied grin on Frank's lips. He'd seen the same look on many other boys after Rose had their way with them. Usually a broken heart followed soon after. "You're beautiful…. I love you."

"Don't say that, Frankie…."

There was a long pause that made even Al feel a bit uncomfortable. Rose's voice had been like an icicle slicing through the air. It was obviously a touchy subject. "Why not?" Frank asked, his voice quiet and reeking of hurt.

With a sigh, Rose answered the question without missing a beat. "Because you know that I don't love you back. Stop saying that. You're making me feel like a bitch because I can't commit as easily as you can. I would just appreciate it if you would stop…because you're pushing me away." Like a Band-Aid.

When Frank spoke next, the tears were highly evident in his voice. The heartbreak was looming. "I don't care, Rosie…." He made a frustrated noise, shifting his position as the creaking bed indicated. "Baby, I love you. Okay? And I don't want to hide that because you're scared to feel the same way. Hey! Don't get upset at me – those were your words, not mine! You're not a bitch, you just don't want to hurt me. I get that. But in the meantime, baby, I'm not going to dull down my feelings…."

Albus knew that he shouldn't be able to relate to this demented fear his cousin had. She had been with so many boys that she wouldn't even try to acknowledge the feelings she might be having. That was nothing like him and Scorpius. And yet…it was everything like them. Maybe the Slytherin boy was having those same struggles? He just wasn't admitting to it. Because Merlin knew Albus was absolutely in love with him, just as Frank was in love with Rose.

There was complete silence after Frank's explanation. Either the two of them were now speaking too quiet for Albus to hear, or they had already had this conversations enough times that they didn't feel they needed to end it. Whatever the explanation was, it left Al again in silence, and once again he was dwelling on his own problems. The nasty sounds of their lovemaking were replaced by nothing but boyish snores.

After sleeping quite fitfully for the last week, at this point he was desperate for rest. If he could just…quiet his brain for long enough….

Sighing softly, he reached towards his nightstand for the notebook. It was habit. When he was at a complete loss, he would check it. Just to see if anything had changed. Or to reread the one and only letter he had from Scorpius that actually meant something. Like it was programmed in his brain, he flipped to the exact page upon opening. He greedily eyed every single word, caressing the worn words with his fingers.

As he touched the page, his left hand was propping the leather up. Every few seconds he would stroke its cover to feel the solidarity of it. It was in the middle of one of these stroking motions that something caused his fingertips to burn. He gasped, probably louder than he should have in a silent, sleeping room. Sticking all three of his middle fingers in his mouth, he curled up tighter under the covers and flipped the cover over.

Much to his surprise, the letters of his name were once again lit up like embers. But only for a few seconds…. Almost as soon as he glimpsed the fascinating occurrence, the burning faded away to nothing. Like it was a figure of his imagination. Desperate for that not to be the case, Albus basically yanked the cover open. He flipped back to the page he obsessed over and found nothing changed.

To brace himself for even more nothing, Albus took in a deep breath before moving forward. His finger ran down the semi-sharp edge of the page, ready to turn. But he needed the courage to actually go through with it.

Closing his eyes seemed to help. He very carefully flipped over the piece of paper, his heart beating so hard he could see red behind his eyelids. But it was okay. With nothing but blackness in his vision, he could prepare himself for whatever was written in the journal. He could just sit here and wait until he thought he could handle it – whatever it was – and be okay in the end.

The time it took to get to that point could have been an hour. It certainly felt like it… But with it being dark and him having his eyes closed, it was a little hard to tell for sure. All Albus knew was that when he did actually open them, whispering a quiet " _Lumos_ " with his wand held close to the page, he felt like he was at a make or break point in his life.

The words, as he scanned them, became more and more...confusing. He wasn't really sure what to make of what it said….

_Albus,_

_Obviously we have a few things we need to talk about. Your deal doesn't seem to be working out as well as you may have planned for._

_This, if I remember correctly, is the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year. I think we should take advantage of it and get together. We'll have lunch and then…take a walk. We can discuss then what we plan to do as we move further._

_I do appreciate your sentiment. You were genuinely trying to help. But sometimes emotions get in the way and mess with how things should be. We could both do well to remember that._

_You most likely won't be reading this until you wake (as it is four in the morning and normal people, I've been told, don't have insomnia as I do), so I wish you an invigorating rest. I assure you that you will need every minute of it._

_We'll talk of where and when to meet in the morning._

_-Scorpius H._

It made sense that Scorpius would want to meet up while almost everyone was in Hogsmeade. It left most of the castle quite empty, besides the younger students who usually weren't the adventurous type. They could have their choice of meet-up spot.

What didn't make sense to Albus was how sweet the letter seemed. It wasn't full of vulgar sexual comments or snarks. Mostly it seemed that the Slytherin was genuinely sorry for whatever his decision was. And that was something that made him completely uneasy.

After reading over the letter again, Albus finally closed the cover, spoke a quick " _Nox_ ", and set the journal aside for now. He laid his head back down upon the pillow, only mildly fretting over their coming conversation. Mildly because he was almost at ease with the thought of it. Perhaps if they were alone, he could persuade Scorpius that this could all be alright.

They could work through whatever they were combatting about. The differences between them didn't even mean anything, as far as he was concerned! If he could get the courage to just tell Scorpius how he felt….

Reassuring himself copiously that he would not be rejected (because Scorpius might feel the same way!), Albus was able to lull himself to sleep. A sleep he needed more than life itself at this point.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one week! What what?! Sorry, I've been up since early this morning to finish this. Ignore my strangeness and just read.... Hope you enjoy! Please make sure to leave me a comment and let me know what you think! I really do appreciate the kudos, sincerely, but it is nice to get actual feedback. Helps me to know I'm going in the right direction, or if I need to change something. Thanks!

"Glad to see you actually own nice clothes."

Looking up from his feet, Albus attempted a small smile. The boy standing before him was again dressed to the nines, but this time in Muggle clothing. Tailored black jeans, a nicely fitted silk navy button-down, a black tie, and a pair of quite fancy black boots. He took a look down at his own apparel – a short sleeve polo, pair of well-kempt blue jeans, and simple high-top trainers. In comparison, he didn't look nearly close to being on Scorpius' level. He blushed just barely and gave a small shrug. "I tried…. Apparently I still can't match up."

The blonde pushed the few curls kept out of his braid back off his face with a small laugh. "Sorry, my father is obsessed with perfection. I learned at a young age to show up everywhere like I was being photographed. It still sticks with me, I suppose." He looked around, making sure they were alone in their meeting spot, before leaning in and whispering, "If you don't like it, though, you're perfectly welcome to strip me down later if you wish."

If Albus were to say that he hadn't missed this, he would definitely be lying. He let loose a genuine smile and blush, shoving his hands in his pockets for something to do.

After he had managed to sleep for a few hours this morning, Scorpius and Albus had managed a conversation through their journals. They agreed upon a meeting spot – the trophy room on the third floor – and a time – shortly after eleven in the morning. What the day entailed, however, still remained a mystery to him.

"Right…. Um, well, nearly everyone has gone to Hogsmeade... Should we head to the Room of Requirement?" Albus pushed up off the wall, facing towards the stairs that would lead them to the seventh floor.

The blonde's hand upon his arm, however, halted him before he could take a single step. "Um…no, no…. I think you've misunderstood me," he said quietly and pulled his 'date' in the other direction.

"What did I misunderstand?" Albus pulled his arm away from the Slytherin, frowning at the direction they were heading for. It was for the stairs that led down. What was he planning? Did he know of a secret room on one of the first three floors? "Are we not having a date? I…. I thought that was what you said you wanted…."

Already, he could feel his heart sinking. Misunderstanding something could mean that he was eons more hopeful than he thought. It meant he was reading into things. And that could be dangerous.

Scorpius initiated contact again, though, dashing fears for the moment. He slipped their fingers together, locking on tight so there was no option to let go. "We are having a date, Albus." Scorpius laughed again and Albus was fairly sure he was swiftly becoming addicted to the sound of it. Its genuine sound was the best thing he could ever hear from him. "Don't be silly. You didn't misread that." The blonde even went so far as to press a quick kiss to the Gryffindor's cheek, just for a moment.

"Then where are we going…?"

A normal Scorpius response to so much questioning would be a deep sigh and some sort of admonishment. The abnormal response that he gave instead left Al a bit…wary. "I mentioned that it was Hogsmeade weekend, did I not? Wouldn't that make sense to be where we're going?"

Shock didn't quite cover the emotion correctly. Albus' jaw dropped rather unattractively and he just halted all progress anywhere completely. His green eyes were wide and as vibrant as ever, staring at Scorpius in the most unreal daze he'd ever experienced.

Scorpius wanted to be seen with him…in public? On a date? Or a 'date'? Either way…around people?! Was this a joke? Was he trying to pay him back for trying to act comforting about his loss? What was this about, really? Because there was no way it was a genuine act. He wasn't just actually taking him on a date in front of real, live people…. That wasn't him.

"Ha…ha…. Very funny…."

Albus could practically _feel_ the eye roll in response. It permeated the air and hit him hard in the chest. He stepped back a little bit from the force of it. "I really wish you wouldn't be such a believer in stereotypes. You're still thinking I'm an ass, right?" The blonde raised one of those perfectly maintained brown eyebrows, following the other backwards with every step he took. "You're thinking I'm pulling some sort of little prank on you?" He shook his head slowly back and forth, finally halting his steps once his companion was pinned up against the wall. His arms settled onto both sides of his head and he leaned in to speak in an extremely hushed tone. "I'm not trying to pull anything on you. I need you to understand that before we go out. This is just me…trying to take a stab at what you seem to want…."

Since when was he willing to do anything against what he actually wanted? Since when did he want to try the whole 'boyfriend thing' he seemed to hate so much? Since when was he the kind of person to think of other people before himself…?

"You want me to... To be your..."

One sharp smack to the side of the head followed by a slightly demanding kiss was all it took for Albus to completely forget his questions. His worries. He groaned, giving in to the violence and the passion. His arms swung up around the other boy's neck, fingers locking together to make it difficult for Scorpius to get away. The kiss deepened, both boys rutting together just enough to make slight friction. Just enough to make this seem…normal.

" _Not_ your boyfriend…," Scorpius felt the need to clarify after a few minutes, breaking their lips apart just enough to get the words out. He stole another, small kiss before continuing. "Just…a small trial thing. A date…like our agreement states. And a…sexy session like our agreement states…." He ground a little harder, for a moment slipping his hand around to grope the front of Al's pants, eliciting the most delicious of noises. "We'll do it publicly…but I don't want to call attention to it. I'm still not…ready to open this up to the world. Don't tell anyone…. I'm not ready for that…."

"I'm not either," Albus whispered, his voice shaky and his mind completely made up. He could love Scorpius. He could have sex with him and allow him to use him for whatever he wanted. But at this point, he just was not ready for anyone else to know…. Even though he was extremely ready for this date. It didn't make sense. But did it have to?

They were teenagers, by Merlin's beard! They shouldn't need to hammer down details or scream commitments to the world! There would be plenty of that after graduation when they were actually at a crucial enough time in their lives to make valid decisions.

For now, this could just be fun.

A trial.

A game.

"Let's go do our little date, then," Scorpius finally said under his breath. His hands fell back to his side, done caressing every part of Albus he could reach. For now. "I have special things planned, Albus, and I'm eager to get to them." He winked, showing off his longer than long eyelashes.

With a small bit of sadness, Albus allowed his arms to go slack as well. "I would love that." He pressed his lips to the taller boy's cheek very gently before waving a hand towards the stairs. "Lead the way, Plan Man."

Scorpius wasted not a single second. Again tangling their fingers together, he led his partner out of the school. They raced down the path to Hogsmeade, never letting go of one another and never losing their brilliant smiles. For this moment, they were both truly happy. People may talk after seeing them together. People may say that they were scandalous and crazy and doing the complete wrong thing. People might spread an insane amount of gossip about them…. But at this moment, that just didn't matter.

They could deal with that later.

Out of breath, the boys stopped in front of a very cheesy-looking tea shop. Albus sucked in a very harsh breath of air and looked up at the sigh. He pushed his hair back into place, reading aloud, "Madam Puddifoot's…?"

"Yeah. Supposedly it's very romantic," Scorpius quipped, squeezing Al's hand gently. "I have a reservation at the best table. Let's go." He didn't even wait for an answer before tugging the Gryffindor into the little café.

Albus looked around, a little appalled at the ghastly décor of the place. It was very…lacey. And girly. And not the right place for two boys that mostly meet for lusty activities to be…. He wrinkled his nose, the tinkle of the bell above the door signaling their presence ringing in his ears. "You think this is romantic?" he asked, following without really wanting to, to a table at the way back decorated with the most frill.

The tablecloth was red and looked like crushed velvet. Littered upon it was a mixture of differently shaped sparkles that were meant to invoke thoughts of love. A candle was lit in the center and around it were several different pieces of rather fine china. A sugar bowl, cream cup, jars of tea leaves, small plates, and dainty teacups. And as they sat down, a rather stout, stubby woman with a slick black bun brought over a steaming teapot as well as a tray loaded with little sandwiches and cakes.

"I made sure to include just what you asked, Mr. Malfoy," the woman – most likely Madam Puddifoot – said quietly, meant most likely just for Scorpius' ears. She wasn't very good at hushed tones, though, prompting the blonde boy to give her a stern look begging for silence. "Sorry, sorry," she apologized with a giggle and gave Albus a very strange look. She must not get very many same-sex couples in her shop, was his thought. "Enjoy your date," she said sweetly. "Let me know if you need anything else. Anything at all."

The shop around them was eerily silent. There was another couple in the opposite corner, but they looked almost too young to recognize them. Perhaps this location had been chosen more for its secrecy than for its abundance of 'romantic' features.

"Well…this is…partially public…."

Rolling his eyes, Scorpius scooted his chair closer to Albus. "Oh, hush. It's a start. Besides, we came the whole way here holding hands. That's enough public excitement for one day, right?" He sighed softly, reaching over the small space between them to run his fingers through the other's messy hair. "Is this acceptable for you?"

Albus nodded, reveling in the feeling of the boy's fingers in his hair. "Perfectly acceptable."

"Good." Scorpius remained in close proximity, not moving away as Al would have expected him to after receiving his answer. "Now, eat. Drink. Let's talk about…the new boundaries to our relationship…."

The nerves were settling in again. New boundaries meant new rules. And they only needed new rules because he was apparently incapable of following the original ones. The ones he set up in the first place. "Yeah…. Yeah, new boundaries. New rules. We, um…. Well, what did you…uh, have in mind?" he asked shakily, taking a small tart from the tray and nibbling on it.

For a long moment, Scorpius didn't say a word. He slowly and deliberately ate a small sandwich slowly. His eyes never left Albus' as it was enthralling to watch him worry more and more by the second. But once he was finally finished and he had cleaned off his fingers with rather enticing suckling motions, he settled back in his chair and gave a very noncommittal shrug. "I want to hear what you want…."

"I, uh…." Albus was speechless. He was being give the power again. That hadn't exactly worked out before. "I just…."

"Do you love me or don't you?"

With a gasp, Albus reached out to slap the boy's arm without really thinking. He immediately pulled his hand back, apologizing and looking anywhere but at him. It had just…surprised him. Scorpius had come right out with it as if it was the most normal revelation in the world. Like he was just allowed to love the Malfoy heir without any worry of repercussions.

"Don't apologize," Scorpius said slowly, looking slightly shocked. He overcame it quickly, though, and shook his head back and forth. "I shouldn't have asked you like that…."

Albus licked his lips. He took a deep breath. He tried to think of a way to respond without incriminating himself. He tried to figure out just what it was he wanted from this moment forward….

"How did you find out…?" he asked after a while. He still hadn't quite come to a decision on what to say, but this was a good way of stalling.

Where Al might have expected Scorpius to freak out, the blonde instead gave the sweetest of smiles. It wasn't one he'd ever seen from him before. It was…small and gentle, conveying a very subtle bit of affection. Possibly growing love? Maybe? "Your cousin…he told me the tips of your ears turn red when you lie," he explained with an almost apologetic quality.

"My cousin?" Heaven knew Albus had about a million cousins. But it was also quite obvious that there weren't many who would actually converse with Scorpius Malfoy of all people. "Louis," he hissed, crossing his arms and leveling a look at the other boy. "Louis? You talk to…Louis about me?" His suspicions had been correct, then. That day his cousin had spoken to him, it had felt like he was quite knowledgeable. And, it seemed, he really had been. "About us? I've been keeping this secret…from my closest friends…and you've been just conversing openly about it with one of my own _cousins_?"

"You sure do choose the strangest things to be upset about." Again, Scorpius rolled his eyes. He did that quite a bit…. "Yes, I've been talking to your cousin. He's trustworthy. You're free to speak of this…thing we have to anyone you'd like. I really don't mind. I just…needed a bit of advice here and there on what to do with you. Believe it or not, I am quite new at this whole fake dates for sex thing…."

"And I'm not?!"

The couple on the other side of the room turned around swiftly in their seats in order to look at who had made such a loud outburst. Blushing darkly, Albus waved and looked away as quick as he could. Looking back to Scorpius' extremely amused expression. "Oh, you think this is funny?" he snapped. "Listen to me here – I'm just as new with this as you are. And, yes, I fell in love with you. I know it's irrational and too quick…. But I don't know how to do this type of thing and remain detached. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we have to switch all of these rules because of me. I'm sorry that I wanted to fucking comfort you last week because I don't know how to handle someone who is grieving. I'm sorry that from the two times I've allowed you to fuck me, I've somehow become obsessed with the way you do it.

"I know I shouldn't love you. But I do. And I'm fucking sorry. Do with that what you fucking will."

"Holy shit…." Scorpius looked as if his head had just been bitten off. It sort of had…. Albus closed his lips tightly together, waiting for a response, his heart pounding. He had no idea what the response would be. The boy hadn't been exactly predictable today….

"I don't love you."

_I already knew that…. I wasn't holding out for that... Was I?_

"But I will not give up on whatever it is you want here just because you do."

Albus cocked his head to the side, fiddling with the tablecloth for a distraction. "Thank you," he whispered. It was a nice gesture. Whatever it was they were now – experimental, secret boyfriends; two boys who leaned on one another so solve their problems with sex; a weird, fucked up relationship – Scorpius was willing to work with him on it. Or at least deal with it. He smiled just barely and scooted their chairs so they were only a few inches away from one another. "I say…for now, we just continue to do what we're doing. We stay with our little deal. Dates…and then sex. Maybe some of our dates could even be public like this?"

"Sure."

A compromise. They had actually reached a compromise…. Albus was very sure that they wouldn't be able to cater to both of their needs with one compromise. But here they were…. "Good," he said, grinning happily as he reached for another thing to eat. "Good. I like the sound of that." Nothing could stop just how excited he looked or felt. This was good.

"Good," Scorpius echoed. His stone-colored eyes watched the other boy carefully, examining everything he was doing. The way he picked small chunks off of his sandwich, slipping them between his upturned lips. The small glint in his beautiful green eyes as he stared down the boy beside him. He looked…impossibly tempting. And that was why he was going through with this compromise. There was no way he was going to lose out on that ass….

"So, Mr. Malfoy…." The blonde perked up a little bit at the formal name, sitting up in his chair to reflect it. "I think we should talk about…last week." Albus tilted his head to the side, going from cute to extremely fucking adorable in the span of a few seconds.

Scorpius shifted uncomfortably, his groin twinging in response. This was why they couldn't have dates. He had a hard time lasting through them…. The public setting was helping, but only slightly. "What about last week, exactly?" he ground out, stuffing a cake into his mouth to distract himself.

Shrugging, Albus rested his hand upon the other boy's knee. He just needed to touch him. To keep some form of contact between them. He wouldn't admit, but he was desperate to sneak away and be alone, as well. He'd missed their little dates and what followed. "Your grandfather. I want to talk about that…. Tell me about him. Tell me…and get it out. Whatever you need to say…."

The silence was comfortable this time. It was like waiting for something real and meaningful. Albus didn't mind sitting there, making note of every small expression the other boy made. As long as he didn't completely shut him out, it would be just fine. He just needed to allow the space necessary for the truth to get out.

"I can't stop thinking about…when I was five…."

The goal Albus had was to be encouraging. He really had no idea what he was doing, but this was a good start, right? He rubbed Scorpius' knee and gave him a kind smile. "What happened when you were five?" he asked in a whisper, all attentive ears.

"My mother was pregnant…," Scorpius said absently. His eyes were shifty and focused on a far-off place. He wasn't seeing the world they were in now. He was lost in his memories, completely glazed over. "It was one of the few summers we stayed home, all of us. Together. Mother, Father, Grandmother, and Grandfather. All of us. We didn't take trips and we…we spent practically every moment in one another's company. But we didn't find out about my mother's pregnancy until about a month in."

As he spoke, the blonde relaxed visibly. He rested back in his chair, his left hand coming up to rest over Albus' right upon his leg. The memories he spoke of seemed to calm him in a way Al had never witnessed before. He didn't look like the shell of a person he'd seen a week ago – grieving over a death he just couldn't understand. By now it seemed he had come to terms with the loss. It was a short amount of time, but it somehow seemed to fit with his personality.

"When she took the test, she seemed so nervous. They didn't know I was watching…. But I had been playing with Mother's jewelry – don't laugh! – and so when they came in, I hid under the bed. Father did this…spell. His hands were shaking. But after the test was over, they just both looked so happy. They kissed and it was like…. You know, I wanted what they had. I wanted to be that in love with someone one day.

"I know you're thinking, 'Well, what happened, then?'" Both boys laughed, but it sounded slightly forced. Even though they had come to a compromise, there was still a little bit of tension left between them. "That's not what I've been thinking about, though. I mean, I do remember it, yeah…. But…what I really think about is the day she lost the baby…."

Albus was lucky enough in his life never to lose someone close to him. He didn't ever have to suffer through heartbreak and crying for days on end. And here he was finding out that Scorpius had been through that type of emotional shattering _twice_ in his life. At least. He felt guilty in that moment for the good life he'd had. How did he manage to escape it while someone like Scorpius was hit harder than a person should have to take?

"It was just a normal summer day. We were staying at our lake house for…maybe a week more and then it would all end. Father would go back to work and the last three months we all had together would be but a memory. Everyone was happy. Everyone was together. Everyone was…feeling like a family. And then it happened.

"Mother screamed…so loud that night. She woke me up and all I can remember is being terrified. Poking my head out my door and seeing her standing in the hallway with my father, blood soaking her night shorts. Clutching at Father in desperation and screaming and crying. Back then I didn't understand…but now…." He let a deep breath out through barely parted lips, then licked them and avoided looking at anything in particular. There were even tears brooding in his eyes. "All I knew was I wasn't getting a sibling anymore. When they rushed her out of the house, all I knew was that she wouldn't look at me because I made her cry." One tear escaped and trekked down his cheek, but if he noticed he didn't seem to care.

"That night, my grandfather stayed with me. This is the part I keep thinking about. He curled up with me in my bed, listening as I played with my toys. Diverting the subject whenever I asked about my parents. He caught a lot of flack for his participation in both of the wars, but…he was a good man. A _great_ man. And he loved his family." Scorpius shrugged, wiping the wetness from his cheeks. "He stayed with me all night, his words nothing but comforting. His hold very gently and very kind. Everything a grandfather should be, really. It was the best thing he's ever done for me. That might not seem like much, but to me…. It's the world."

This was how things should have been handled last Friday. Instead of trying to seduce Scorpius into sex to fix things, Albus should have been talking with him. Getting him to open up. Getting him to share small stories. Open up his heart a little bit. That was what a boyfriend would do. And if he wanted that in the future some time…he needed to remember that.

Smiling sadly, Al squeezed Scorpius' leg one last time before letting go. He looked down at their table – the hardly touched tea, the picked at food, the wasted effort of those dumb decorations. What was it for? They could have done this in a less 'romantic' fashion and been just fine. For the next date, he vowed to do the planning. For now…he just wanted to get out of here. To be normal. Mostly because he didn't even know how to handle this. Scorpius wasn't the type to open up to anyone, as far as he knew. So all of this information...

Couple that with the fact that Albus wasn't too great at talking to people and he suddenly found himself suggesting, "Why don't we…talk a little more as we walk back to school, hm? And then we can fulfill your part of the deal?" He stood, suddenly ready to get back to the castle. To find a place they could sneak off to. To get some normality back into this thing they were doing. To try and forget that he felt extremely awkward and inadequate and boorish.

The sigh Scorpius gave was slightly sad. He ran a hand over his face, like he was trying to control himself. Pulling all of his emotions back in and nodding in consent. It almost looked like he was switching back into another person completely as he too came to his feet. His shoulders squared and his jaw tightened as he pulled money from his pocket and practically threw it down upon the table. "Yeah, let's go," he ground out, completely slipped back into his normal persona. The one that didn't care, didn't share, didn't seem to feel. The one Albus didn't love and didn't particularly like.

"Are you going to do this every time we decide to have sex?" Albus asked softly, reaching for the other's hand. Which, of course, the blonde blatantly ignored and shoved his own hands in his pockets. Gone were the niceties. They weren't teenage lovers anymore. They were adults who made horrible decisions that could break hearts. There was no need for pretending at this moment. They both knew what they were doing.

"Do what?" Scorpius snapped, making sure he stared down at the ground and walked at least a foot away from Albus. No one paid them any notice, but why should they. It didn't look like there was anything going on between them anyway.

They were back to normal. All of Al's hopes were dashed and he reminded himself to remember restraint in the future. Every time they sat down for a date, the other boy put on a façade. He would never hold onto that, and it would do him well to remember that from now on.

But he knew he would never learn.

"Nothing," he said under his breath, taking care to walk faster than the Slytherin. Wanting distance between them just so that Scorpius would be comfortable. And so he wouldn't be tempted to try and show affection to him. "Just…forget it. I'll meet you in the Room of Requirement."

There were no words of resistance. Albus was sure there wouldn't be any though, and so didn't stay long enough to wait. He rushed off ahead, closing his arms over his chest. Closing himself off from feeling hurt. Pretending that this could be okay. He could handle having a nice, caring Scorpius when they were in private. He could handle that being something he was allowed to see only a few times a week. It would be fine….

It had to be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you read this before I caught my error, I made sure to add in the details I forgot about Albus' reason for leaving. Sorry for any confusion caused!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to updating my chaptered fics! Well, at least for one chapter then I'm going to start on a request. But here we are! Sorry but totally not sorry for the length of this chapter. I'm actually satisfied it turned out so long. Anyway! Read read read and let me know what you think! Thanks!

Albus knew he was far ahead of Scorpius. That he had trekked off quite a bit faster, regret and disappointment fueling his fast pace.

But Scorpius should have been here by now. There was absolutely no reason he should be waiting here for an hour…. Waiting in their special room under those silken sheets with his clothing folded neatly upon the bedside table. He was seriously ready for this, and yet…he was still sitting here completely alone.

"Fuck it," Albus whispered to himself, climbing out of the bed. He was trying not to cry. He was trying not to worry. There had to be a good reason he wouldn't show up. Someone distracted him with something. It had to have been something important. Or, at least that was what he was going to tell himself for now. It made him feel better. It made him able to worry less for the moment. So he redressed as quickly as possible and just bolted.

He didn't look back, tried not to think on what had happened. Tried to forget that they'd had a stupid, fucking date in the first place. If he didn't think about it – if he didn't remember it happened – he could pretend it hadn't fazed him.

Today was nothing to him anymore.

~*~

"You fucked up, Allie."

It had been two weeks since the disaster in Hogsmeade. It had been ample time for Albus to put that date completely out of his mind. In classes with Scorpius, he was civil but distant. The other boy was much the same. It was a working relationship with very little time spent outside of class. Neither mentioned that Saturday and neither made advances. It was a slightly tense and stuffy set of interactions, but it seemed to work.

And it kept Albus' mental health at bay for the moment. "I assure you I don't know what you're talking about," he said quietly, only giving his cousin Louis a momentary look. "And I'm sure I don't want to. Thanks."

Louis sighed, looking around and ducking his head in closer to the other boy to whisper, "You _know_ this is about Scorpius. And you _know_ you fucked up – big time." He leaned back again, trying to catch his cousin's eye. "It's time for both of you to stop pretending it doesn't bother you."

"What do you even know about it?" Albus asked, keeping his tone neutral as he surveyed the Daily Prophet. He didn't want to let on that this conversation was actually getting to him a bit. He could feel every single one of his nerves currently on fire. Itching to discuss what had happened. Eager to figure out what had gone so horribly wrong. Wanting so badly to have a normal reaction to having a fall out with the man he had been so ready to love.

"I know that…. Let's just say I know quite a bit. Maybe we should find a quieter place to talk?" Simultaneously, the boys looked across the Gryffindor table to eye Rose and Frank. They were quite busy with themselves, doing the whole disgusting kissing in public thing. But there was still a slight chance they would detach and tune in to the rest of the world again.

Nodding, Albus stood and muttered a goodbye to his friends (who weren't even paying enough attention to notice he was leaving). He walked out of the Great Hall, Louis at his heels, and aimed for his closest secret spot. The one where he and Scorpius had first decided to do that dumb deal. Once inside, the Gryffindor boy leaned up against a wall and sat down to the floor. Curling up into a tight ball. Trying to contain the thoughts inside of him that screamed for more information. He didn't want to desire anything with Scorpius anymore. He knew on the surface that this had been a bad idea from the beginning. It was a good thing it had fallen on quiet terms. It had to be.

"Scorpius talks to me. You could almost say we're friends. Merlin knows he could use one now that Aubadon's gone." Being the priss he was, Louis didn't join his cousin upon the floor. He stayed standing in the middle of the small room, arms severely crossed over his chest. That upper-class French side of him showing as clear as day. "We've been over this. Anyway…. He's not really eager to show it, but he's disheartened by what happened in Hogsmeade."

Albus scoffed. He didn't dare raise his eyes from the floor, vision flooded with tears. What right did that boy have to be upset over what had happened that day? _He_ was the one who hadn't shown up! _He_ was the one that had thrown this away with very clear defiant action. _He_ was the one who had ultimately ended this. "Like he has the right…."

"He has _every_ right!"

Startled, Al looked up again. He wiped his eyes, tilting his head at the Slytherin. The outburst wasn't really expected from him. The boy had always been quite a serene, albeit tactless, person. If he wanted a point conveyed, he weaseled in as many insults with his striking details as possible. He didn't shout. Which meant he must feel quite passionate about his stance on this matter…. "And what makes you say that?" he whispered, a harsh challenge in his stare.

It was Louis' turn to make a derisive noise. "Excuse me?!" he said on a dark laugh. The boy took a few steps towards his cousin, then settled down into a squatting position. He had amazing balance, keeping this position without bracing himself upon the floor but by the curve of his toes. "You," he hissed, pointing his finger dangerously into Albus' face, "did this to your relationship. Or whatever it was. Do you know he was trying to make steps? He's not someone who really longs for commitment. I'm sure you're well aware of that. But did you know that he actually wanted to try with you? Hence the date I helped him set up…."

With a sigh, Albus tried to look away. Tried not to feel guilty. Tried to be brave as his house placement suggested. But all he could feel right now was that gnawing feeling in his gut freezing every forward-thinking thought. "Ehm…. But he's the one who…who didn't show…up…."

"And _you're_ the one who took what could have been a special moment between the two of you – _twice_ – and turned the subject immediately to sex."

There was the problem. There was the cause that Albus hadn't wanted to see. He really had messed this up. Is that why he was so subconsciously willing to allow this to disintegrate? Because he deserved it for what he had done? He bit his lip and did look away this time out of complete shame. "I'm not excellent at human interaction…," he explained. "I'm fairly sure everyone knows that."

"So that means you can't try a little harder?" Louis didn't interact much with people, either. But he did so intentionally. He walked around as if he was better than everyone and didn't need to be social to be happy. Like he was better off alone. He didn't understand the need to be able to talk to someone and feel comfortable, because he didn't care enough to. He wouldn't be able to feel sympathy, let alone empathy, for him. Lack of confidence was just an excuse to him. "I'm telling you what you did wrong. I'm sure you've realized it before now and just didn't want to see it. So you could have done something about it."

"Like what?!" Albus dropped his head into his hands, pulling in deep and steadying breaths. He felt like he was about to throw up. He _had_ realized what he'd done wrong before today. He'd realized it just before he'd done it again that day. Why was he so destructive…? "Apparently I like to make decisions that have horrid consequences, Louis! And I have no idea how not to do so…."

A darkness shifted into Louis' eyes. He looked at his watch, then stood. His whole demeanor screamed of boredom. In the span of a second, he had gone from caring to completely the opposite. A classic argument for why people didn't even bother to get close to him. Not that he had a bipolar personality, but because he rarely even deemed anyone so worthy of his attention. "Would you just fucking apologize to him or something? I don't care if the two of you go back to fucking. Really. Just at least come to some sort of agreement so I don't have to see him moping around anymore. In that freaky, quiet…unnatural way that he does."

Needing no response, Louis turned to leave then. As he was about to the exit, he turned to add one more thought. He didn't even bother with subtly to his words. "Actually, do everyone a favor and stop sleeping with him. Neither of you seem to understand how to handle this the proper way. It's annoying; it's disgusting; it's pathetic. If you're not going to have a 'normal' relationship without hiding a single damn thing from anyone, then just stop."

The silence in his cousin's absence left Albus deaf. He crushed his palms over his ears, trying to stop the harsh ringing in them. In his head he heard every single word the other boy had said, and yet he heard nothing. It was all just a screeching blur that made it seem like his cranium was about to explode. At the same time, he was horrified by just how empty his mind felt. He just couldn't focus on anything. He felt like he was thinking about too much.

Too much. It was too much nothing and too much everything and too much of just being too much!

A scream that sounded somewhere between human and animalistic tore through his vocal chords. It startled him and he opened his eyes, clutching his throat. Had he really made that terrifying noise? Was that something he was capable of? Slowly, his fingers slid over his lips. He stared down at the ground and pondered what he'd just done. It had made him feel better….

And he was able to think clearly now. It almost felt like he had been holding that scream in for the last two weeks. Now…. Now he could actually think a little bit clearer….

"Why did I do that?" he whispered, his brain stuck back on that date. Exactly two weeks ago, why had he done that to Scorpius? The boy had shared something with him that extremely heartfelt. That wasn't something the Malfoy heir did! Was it even something Malfoys did at all?! From the rumors he'd heard, he was sure they didn't. He was sure they were all heartless assholes who only cared about themselves. They didn't talk about things that made them cry in public little tea rooms meant for cutesy couples. Scorpius had done that…. He was taking steps to try for a relationship.

And Albus had royally fucked up.

"It's because you're an idiot. An idiot that doesn't deserve to be loved by someone like that. Why do you love him? Why do you think he'd ever love you _back_? He's too good looking for you. And he actually has a heart. You don't. You're the type of idiot that only knows how to fuck with no feelings and get clingy the morning after. If he wants to try for something he's not really comfortable with, let him try with someone else. Let him find a sweet guy that knows how to listen to him when he tells a sappy story about his mother having a miscarriage! He deserves that! You don't. All that you deserve is to sleep around with people that don't even want to stay attached to you. That's what you deserve you worthless excuse for a human being. If you don't even know when it's actually appropriate to suggest sex, you don't deserve anything but to be miserable for the rest of your life. And the sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be at accepting your fate. The better off Scorpius will be for not having to deal with your crazy ass any longer."

~*~

"You've been particularly moody lately. Like a different moody. A sad moody. What's wrong with you, Albus?"

Someone was talking to him. Albus cringed, hunching in closer to his books. He didn't think anyone would come up here on a Saturday night to bother him. Or he had hoped desperately that no one would want to. They should all be joking around in the common room or off sneaking around the castle. It was a Saturday night, for Merlin's sake! But he supposed he shouldn't expect his friends to just ignore him completely on such a night. He was expected to be down there with them….

"There apparently are a million things wrong with me. I'm allergic to commitment. It apparently turns me into an asshole that only cares about sex. And I don't know how to properly talk to people. Let's not forget that I can't stand to be anywhere public alone. Tack on my apparent need to burst into fits of rage over absolutely nothing and there you have it – me. The fucked up me that just…is too pathetic to actually be real. Wonderful, right?"

Albus hadn't even looked up from his book. He had even managed to read and comprehend a few paragraphs while speaking. All day he'd been saying the same things over and over again in his head to himself all day. It was mindless telling them to Rose. That didn't mean she didn't furrow her brow at them, though. "You're so down on yourself – that's what's pathetic," she said gingerly, sitting herself down upon the edge of his bed.

He shrugged, completely unfazed. He didn't need to hear it from her. He knew what he was. He knew he was sad in multiple ways. "Yes, I know," he said simply.

His bubbly cousin wasn't going to let him off that easy. She wasn't like Louis. She did genuinely care without having to put on any sort of act. Smiling softly, trying to look him in the eyes, she scooted up towards the head of the bed. Her arms wound around the sulky boy and her head rested upon his shoulder. For a moment, their eyes followed the words on the page in-sync – almost an art form they had perfected in their massive free-time as children. They had gotten it down to where they could read the pages of books nearly in the same amount of time so that they could read together. So that neither knew the plot before the other did. It was a thrilling exercise that no one in their family quite understood. Well, maybe Uncle Percy sort of had. He possessed a similar thirst for knowledge.

"I'm assuming this is about your most recent boy toy…." Albus remained silent, but the stiffening of his shoulders answered for him. "Are you going to tell me who it was so we can get Lily to kick his ass?"

It was tempting – to unload everything Albus was feeling upon Rose. They were close, after all. She could probably understand what had transpired. She could be sympathetic, even though she actually was very opposite than him when it came to sexual encounters.

And yet he just couldn't admit anything. He couldn't speak that name because he knew the most horrified of facial expressions and questions would follow. "Ehm…." Slowly, Al shut the book and looked over at his cousin. Took in her worried features and reached out a hand to smooth the frowning wrinkles away. "I don't really feel like outing him. Sorry…." He sighed and rested into her. Allowing himself to relax just slightly. Her presence was calming. "Let's just say I'm fairly sure it's over. And it's my fault…."

"If this boy isn't smart enough to chase after you even with your copious amounts of flaws, then he's certainly not the right one for you."

Rose's words washed a brilliant wave of relief over Albus. He smiled faintly, setting the book aside and resting into her completely now. "Thanks, Rosie."

"Oh, Allie…." Those deft fingers ran through his hair in the most perfect way, just lightly running her nails over his scalp. His back arched like a cat, encouraging her further. "You really are messed up, you know." They both chuckled, both knowing full well that it was true and they shouldn't even try to deny it. "But that's not on you. Someone out there should be able to deal with it. Someone should be sweet enough to take you in all your flawed glory. Someone should be willing to take you in and love you without restraint of secrets and such. Someday, someone will love you like that. For now…hold out for that. Hold out for your somebody."

It sounded like a fairy tale a parent would tell their ugly duckling child. And yet it was absolutely reassuring to Albus. He nuzzled into the girl's neck, pressing his lips softly to her flesh in the most familiar of ways. "That man will be perfect, you know. He will love me and I will love him and we will both be so flawed that all we can see is what makes us beautiful."

Giving a delighted laugh, Rose combed Albus' hair back into place. "Of course! I can see that happening, love! You just hold out for that, alright?"

Albus nodded and squeezed his cousin's arm once before sitting up. "What are you doing up here, you weirdo?" he asked, stretching his stiff limbs. He'd been up here in the same, unmoving position all day….

"Frankie was supposed to meet me up here. We made a bet that would have a Seeker to replace you by next week's game. I said she wouldn't do that to you, just in case you changed your mind about quitting. It sort of was a weird, snap decision you made. But it has been two weeks and it seems as if she's gone Frank's route. Now I owe him the blow job of his life."

After the botched date, Albus had quit the Quidditch team. He was too depressed (even if he wouldn't admit it to himself) to keep pretending it was something he enjoyed. Lily had cried and begged and yelled at him for hours, but it didn't change his mind. Nothing could change his mind. And so it seemed she had to make amendments. It didn't honestly bother him in the least. "I didn't need to know that," he mumbled, rolling his eyes at her blatant answer. No shame, that one. "And when he comes up here, please refrain from giving it to him. I don't feel like leaving and I most certainly don't want to witness your nasty sexual acts."

"Oh, c'mon! You weren't even supposed to be here!" Frank must have been hiding just outside the door. For how long, Albus wasn't sure. But he came bursting through the door then, hands thrown up in a slightly distraught manner. "I think she should have to go through with my winnings as planned, personally. You being here won't matter. Might be a bit of a turn on, actually."

"You're spending too much time with her…," Albus warned, getting up off the bed and watching Rose cross over to her boyfriend. In the time he'd had to adjust to them being together, he'd come to see that it might not be a bad thing. So far she had been loyal to him. She'd even accepted his love confession, now. At the moment she wouldn't say it back – but that was because she wanted to be ready. It was all new for her. And even with their small kinks, they truly were wonderful together. Like right now. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him as she'd never held a boy before. Curling her fingers against his back, wanting to just latch into him forever.

"I'm bringing him out of his virginity shell," she whispered, moving to take his lips in a sweet kiss. It was almost sickening with just how perfect they were for one another. Albus could see the two of them after graduation rushing for a wedding. Having children. Raising those children to be just as cute and quirky as they were. The perfect little lives with absolutely no worries. Both of them changed and molded perfectly to fit with one another.

Nodding, Albus reached for his knapsack. He shouldered it before crossing the room, making sure to nudge the pair with his shoulder before exiting. "Have fun with your winnings, Frankie! I'm going to find a bathroom to razz in until I can't remember what you're up here doing in my temporary bedroom…."

Albus didn't go far. The couple's chuckles ringing in his ears, he marched simply down to the common room and found the only seat empty – the window. He curled up on the ledge, looking much like a sulky cat, and pulled his book out again. Nothing very interesting, just an assigned read for Defense Against the Dark Arts about pacifistic defense. But it was the perfect way to distract himself. The perfect way to get over being in love. A good book. For now….

Over the weekend, Albus thought a lot about what he wanted to do with his life. What would make him happy. _Who_ could make him happy. If Scorpius could be the one to potentially fill that hole in his heart. It seemed like a lot of hard thinking, but with time on his hands due to being weeks ahead on all of his assignments, it really didn't make much of a difference. He was able to put his sole focus on it once he was ready, sitting all by himself in his bed with nothing but the journal at his side.

He read over the notes inside so many times they were memorized now. Not just his own, but Scorpius' as well. And the schedule. He knew the schedule by heart. He knew when exactly he would have to see the boy, where, around whom, and for how long. It was an important batch of information for him to remember because it helped he get through the awkward silences. He could count down the time until he was able to leave of focus on someone else in the library.

There was a plan to be up in the Astronomy tower for their assignment under the full moon that month. It was the first time they would be working together truly alone since their date. It was nearly a fortnight after Louis had spoken to Albus about what he'd done wrong. He had resolved what he was going to do just after that weekend, but had deliberately waited until now to do anything about it. It was imperative that they were very alone. He wanted to hear exactly what Scorpius had to say without anyone around to hinder him. This night would be perfect.

The two weeks passed by in a slow blur. As the day drew nearer, his nerves grew larger and larger. And by that night, they were almost to the point of making him back out. He sat up awake in his bed, curling around the journal like a cat. His stomach was in knots and he couldn't keep his brain from racing.

In his mind, he knew that Scorpius wasn't going to want to talk about anything. Especially not so late after the fact. He would be angry and aggressive. Could Albus handle that?

"If he gets mean about it, all you have to do is stop talking. Just walk away. It can be simple. Really."

"What if my resolve breaks…?"

"Stay strong. You can do this, Albus. Just stay strong."

Albus held the whispered conversation solely with himself. He'd noticed in the past few weeks that he'd been talking to himself more and more often. The frequency of it was a bit startling, but it was a problem that went on the backburner for now. Just another thing to add to the list of why he was incapable of ever appearing sane. Besides…it was consoling to have someone to talk to, even if it wasn't another person.

Midnight hit alarmingly fast. Before he knew it, Albus' watch was beeping at him in the dark. It startled him into reluctant movement with a shaky sigh. He put on his cloak and slipped on his shoes, wearing casual Muggle clothing. In no way did he want to come off as trying to impress Scorpius. That was imperative. He wanted to look like he normally would on a normal day. Because that's all it was.

With that reassurance set into his brain, the Gryffindor shuffled off towards the Astronomy Tower. He had left his dormitory right at midnight so as to show up late. Another strategy to show the other that he really didn't care anymore. As he came out into the crisp night air, the brilliantly orange full moon shining high above him, he kept his eyes towards the floor. By no means did he want to end up making eye-contact with Scorpius before he was ready.

"It's a habit of yours to be late, isn't it?"

With a sigh through his nose, Albus made his way over to the sound of the voice. Scorpius had set up their cauldron of violently bubbling liquid in the same spot they'd been after his grandfather had died. He tried to forget the emotional attachment to it and leaned against the stone wall. "It _is_ midnight, Malfoy. I fell asleep for a little bit. Get over it." Feeling satisfied with his snappy answer, he slid down the wall and settled upon the cold floor a good distance away from the other.

Snow was falling around tower, but something kept it from actually reaching the pair. There was like this impregnable bubble from the door to where they sat that stayed dry. It even felt a little warm for being late November.

Scorpius gave a derisive snort, but said nothing in return. A silence they had become accustomed to slipped between them. It was awkward as it always was, but it was becoming more and more comfortable. This could be fine – working like they had thought from the beginning. No kissing, no fucking, no sharing any romantic feelings whatsoever. Just remember how much they hated one another.

"Read me the instructions for tonight," Scorpius said quietly a few moments later. His voice was distant and cold. A very helpful spur for what Albus had planned to say tonight.

Biting his lip, Albus nodded and grabbed his journal. He flipped mechanically to the schedule page and slid his finger down until it hit November 27. "Step twenty-three," he said to himself before reaching for the instruction book where he had noticed it sitting before. Expecting to feel the hard cover, he jumped when his fingers met something warm and fleshy. Immediately he pulled back his hand and looked down at what he had touched.

Scorpius' hand was resting over the book as he stared into the cauldron. It was hard to tell whether he had left it there on purpose or absently. His face was so calm and devoid of any tell. "Ehm…. Can I have the book, please?" Albus asked quietly, sorely lacking the Gryffindor courage he was supposed to have.

Without a word, Scorpius closed his fingers around the spine of the book and held it up towards Albus. He didn't even so much as tilt his head towards him. A reflexive movement.

"Thanks," Albus whispered, taking it from him as quickly as possible. Careful not to let their fingers brush even the slightest amount. He went to the page with their directions for tonight and read meekly, "'When the full moon is at its peak, dust the surface of the cauldron's contents with finely crushed mermaid scale. Let sit for sixty minutes time. Stir counter-clockwise until the liquid begins to take on a slightly green hue. Let sit without movement for ninety minutes more.'"

Basically, the two boys were stuck together for at least two and a half hours tonight. By no means had Albus readied himself for that…. He set the book aside and finally completely looked up at Scorpius. Their eyes didn't quite meet, the silver ones kept slightly down to the left. Avoiding intimate contact. As he allowed himself to look the Slytherin over further, Al became aware of the bruises under his eyes and the way his clothes hung off of him in a slightly disheveled look. Like he hadn't been sleeping well. His hair wasn't pulled back in its usual low ponytail. It hung around his face, framing the sharp angles of his cheekbones from view.

Louis hadn't been lying about how this had affected him.

Albus cleared his throat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He tried to shift away, but ended up edging just a little closer to the other. The part of him that was a decent human being wanted to make sure he was alright. The part that loved him with every fiber of his being wanted to hold onto him and never let go. The part that hated him for being so unapproachable and such an all-over-the-place asshole screamed to just run and never look back.

"If you have something to say, just say it. Your fidgeting is bothersome," Scorpius hissed. He kept his eyes firmly trained upon the potion as he sprinkled shiny luminescent specks over the surface of their assignment.

It was now or never. No longer could Albus put off this conversation. He had the opportune moment to say whatever he needed to. The permission had been granted…. Slowly, he set both the book and the journal down so that he could have his hands free. Having them free, though, meant that he was able to wring them ceaselessly together.

"I, uh…." He wasn't exactly starting off strong. Though he couldn't bring himself to look, he was certain he was being glared at. "IjustwantedtoapologizeforHogsmeade…." The apology came out in a rush of tangled words. His nerves had gotten the best of him, even though he'd gone over this a million times in his head.

Scorpius raised a delicate eyebrow, pushing the hair shadowing the left side of his face back behind his ear. He looked down to the general direction of Albus' body and nodded very slowly. Like he was trying to process just what those words were supposed to mean to him. "Thank you for…apologizing?" he asked uncertainly.

What hadn't been clear about that? Albus' eyes narrowed and he pushed up off the wall. He knelt forward onto his hands and knees, crawling forward just a few steps and angling his head funny. From this position, he tried earnestly to meet the boy's eyes. To try and get him to actually _look_ at him instead of boring holes into his occupied space. But the other just wasn't having it. He looked away completely now, staring off into the starry sky. "Goddammit, look at me!" Al nearly shouted, smacking the stone floor with the palm of his hand. Pain shot straight up to his elbow, but he paid it no mind for the moment.

"And why should I look at you, Potter? Why should I pay you any unnecessary or special attention? You've already shown to me what you do with that attention, and I was certainly less than impressed." Scorpius' words, as soft as they were, cut roughly through every inch of Albus. They were meant to by the hard look to his features.

 _At least he's not yelling_ , he told himself. _You can do this. Just say what you have to say._

Nodding, Albus settled back against the wall. It didn't matter if he couldn't achieve eye-contact. He could get everything out as necessary without it. "Fine, don't. It doesn't matter either way. I just wanted to tell you that I really do feel bad for what I did. Louis talked to me, as I'm sure you're aware…. Sometimes I don't realize the way that I say things. Sometimes I'm not exactly sure how to act in social situations. Something happens in my head that muddles up what I really should say and twists it. I couldn't think of anything to console you or something to share in return, so I panicked. I suggested that out of stupidity and I'm fucking sorry..."

He really was sorry. He didn't like the way he acted sometimes. Didn't like the things he said and the things he did when he became nervous. He genuinely felt bad.

"So, what? You're apologizing so we can hookup tonight? Was that your intentions?" Again, Scorpius' words made Albus flinch. Was that how he came off?

"No! I don't know about you but I've been thinking... We can't handle this. Or maybe you can but I can't..." Albus sighed, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. As much as he wanted to keep this up, he knew that for the sake of his own health, he just couldn't. "So I'm going to call off the deal. You don't have to plan any more silly dates and...you can find someone else to sleep with..."

Dead silence followed Albus' solution. As much as this would hurt, he was giving up on trying to make this work. It was hurting too much, the pulling in all directions and the worry and the constant emotional turmoil. He couldn't do it. There was no way they could be in a normal, open to the public relationship. And he just wasn't the kind of person, apparently, who could be in that type of relationship, anyway. Maybe he wasn't yet mature enough. Or maybe he just wasn't stable. Whatever it was, it had to be on his end. The problem had to be with _him_. Scorpius was just too relaxed and collected for anything to be wrong with him….

The moon shifted a full hour before either of the boys spoke again. Albus was humiliated. He kept his mouth closed due to fretting inwardly over himself. All he wanted was to hear something about his decision. Good or bad. Disapproval or mockery. _Something_. Sitting here with nothing but his own thoughts was torture. They kept telling him he was dumb for giving up so easily. But then another side of his brain would come back and tell him to stick to his guns. He was conflicted, if he could call it that. It felt ten times worse….

Finally, just as he was grabbing the glass rod to stir their forming salve, Scorpius parted his lips. Albus had been watching for it, so his breath caught in anticipation once he noticed. Waiting eagerly to hear what he had to say. "Would you please do this step?" he asked quietly, his tone giving absolutely none of his feelings away.

Very slowly, Al bobbed his head up and down. He shifted back to his hands and knees, crawling upon the cold stone to the other side of the cauldron. "Sure," he whispered, reaching for the stir stick. "Let me know when to stop."

Stirring the potion was a rather hypnotic experience. It was calming, just watching the liquid turn round and round, controlled only by his movements. A small smile spread over his lips as he watched the color, making sure it was still purple.

"Stop."

At the command, Albus' wristed halted all movement. The surface of the potion was just beginning to take on an aquatic green hue. A stunning color that he'd never realized he quite enjoyed. Very gently, he pulled the glass tube from the potion, careful not to move the contents even the slightest. He wasn't sure how imperative it was to keep everything still, but he didn't want to find out the repercussions if he messed up.

"Ninety minutes of stillness, yes?" Scorpius asked, taking the rod back and setting it aside.

Albus answered with a nod and settled back against the wall. To wait again, in uncomfortable silence. A desperate part of him wished he had brought something to read while waiting.

A delightful surprise arose, however, not but a few moments later. Though his words were quiet, Scorpius did speak again. And finally there was a glimpse awarded to the Slytherin's inner thoughts. "Louis keeps telling me I have feelings for you," he said on a soft chuckle, examining his nails, giving off the impression of a composed demeanor. "Apparently I moan your name in my sleep. I'm fairly sure he's lying about that one."

"And what am I supposed to think about that?" Albus asked, speechless. Knowing that the boy thought about him as he slept didn't help his situation. It made getting over him that much harder. And the fact that he was openly admitting that…. It might have been too much to handle.

An amused smirk on his lips, Scorpius finally looked up at Albus. Their eyes met for the first time all night and it felt like Al's heart was going to beat straight out of his chest. Why did he have such an effect on him?! It was just a normal look! But for some reason those liquid silver eyes felt like they were boring into his soul. "You can think whatever you want about it. As long as it's in the privacy of your own head…." The Slytherin boy shifted his position just slightly, raising his hand like he was going to run it through his hair. Instead, he changed direction and coursed it through Al's messy locks, catching his breath halfway into his lungs. "Since you're so keen to end this…thing between us…. Guess I'll just have to imagine what you're going to do with that later…."

The thought of pleasuring himself to thoughts of Scorpius groaning out his name in the middle of the night sounded bloody brilliant. Albus' lips fell apart in a sort of silent gasp, those fingers grazing over his scalp sending sinful shivers down his spine. He was helpless against this man. "You wish," he hissed, his cheeks lighting up pink from the embarrassment of still desiring this boy. He was fairly sure he wasn't great at hiding it, either.

"The only reason you're here right now…," Scorpius said under his breath, coming even closer so that he was practically sitting in between Al's legs. His lips were mere inches from the Gryffindor's face, spreading his sweet-smelling, hot breathe right into Al's nose. "The only reason you're still sitting here is because…you're unsure on your decision. You're hoping you'll change your mind…. And you're hoping I'll help you with that. Correct?"

Helpless, Albus nodded in affirmation. He couldn't deny that, it was why he was still sitting here. It was why he was allowing this boy to be so close. The warring sides in his head were screaming at one another, deafening him to any sign of reason. Vision swimming, he leaned in closer. His lips aimed to close the distance between them. He even slicked them for good measure.

But just as he'd closed his eyes, feeling like he was nearly there, he was met with only empty air. Albus gasped softly, lashes fluttering open in surprise. Scorpius sat back in his place, looking as if he'd never even moved. His expression was passive once again and he was staring down at the pages of the instruction book. Had he even moved? Or had Al just imagined all of this to have happened…? He swallowed a tear-filled lump in his throat, drawing his knees up to his chest.

He swore he could still feel that warm air upon his lips.

"I-I think I'm gonna…turn in for the night. You can handle it from here, yeah?" Albus didn't even look to see if Scorpius nodded. He couldn't stand to get a single glimpse of him anymore. This was too painful. "Sorry that I'm not much help…but I just have to go." He sighed heavily, heaving himself up off the ground and shuffling towards the exit. "Goodnight, Malfoy…."

"Pleasant dreams, Albus."

Holding back a yearning sigh, Albus rushed out of the Astronomy Tower. He kept his teary eyes down on the Marauder's Map, trying not to focus on something that wasn't his thoughts. Something that could keep him sane until he was back in his bed. Something that wasn't how badly he wanted to do just as Scorpius had expected he would tonight.

But he missed him so much. He couldn't deny that he was in love and desired that boy more than he desired to breathe air. And if he could only wank to that thought alone for the rest of his life, he felt like he could be satisfied in it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter! I should have another up by the end of the week, fingers crossed! Though next week, I'm giving you all a head's up that I probably won't have much time to write due to overnights at work. So enjoy it while you have it ;) And, as always, please leave comments! Believe it or not, reading comments actually makes me feel wonderful and makes me want to write soooo much more! Love is given reciprocally with me.

_Albus,_

_I truly did appreciate the apology. And I'm very sorry for my reaction._

_The rest of the steps for the night went well._

_-Scorpius_

 

_I would like for you to stop writing to me. I'm done being tugged around by you. I really want this thing between us to stop. I can't handle it. We need to go back to the way we were before all of this. Please._

_-A_

 

_Albus,_

_You can pretend as much as you want that this didn't happen. But I know you fell in love with me. And I thought I may be able to have feelings for you. But it doesn't seem like you can handle having a private relationship. Nor can you handle just sex. I don't know what you want from me. I wish I did. I wish you would talk to me._

_More than anything, I just wish we could have a serious conversation. You know, without you turning the topic to sex straight away…._

_You don't have to shut me out. We could try to be friends._

_-Scorpius_

 

_STOP TALKING TO ME!_

 

_Albus,_

_No matter how many capital letters or exclamation points you use, I will not stop talking to you. You intrigue me. I know I'm not supposed to even think of liking you. But…if one of us had been in different houses, I think we could have been friends. Despite what our parents think. That's why I think the two of us could get on. We definitely have the sexual chemistry down! Why can't we try for something more? Why can't we take it slower? Why can't we try and be friends before we're lovers?_

_Give it some thought._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_You weren't in Potions class today. Just a bit worried. Tell me you're okay._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_We had a session tonight at the library. It was in a public place. Does that scare you, too?_

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_Okay, now this is freaking me out. You haven't been in any of the classes we attend together. Are you even going to classes at all? I mean, I like imagining you in your bed, but is that really all you do every day? Not wank, but…just lie there? I know you love school. I don't know what you want to do afterwards, so I don't really know what you're particularly focused on. But I do know that whatever it is, it's probably very important to you. And I also know that you can't get all of the education you need just out of books. And you most certainly can't get the hands-on practice that you need._

_But if you need a tutor for such things, just let me know. I'm quite available since my fuck buddy turned completely crazy…._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_I'm starting to become personally offended by your lack of response. I'm more important than this, you know. There are quite a few boys who think so. Boys who would kill to have a direct line of communication such as this. I think you're passing up a wonderful opportunity, here._

_I've heard I'm pretty good in bed. I think you can confirm that…._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_All innuendo aside…._

_What have I done wrong? Yes, I'm a bit of an asshole. But I'm fairly sure that there are people who find that sexy. And I think you might have been one of them. Or maybe you just liked my confidence. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what I did to make you love me. What did I do?_

_Why do you love me, Albus Potter?_

_-Scorpius_

_P.S. By the way, what's your middle name? I want my name dropping to be more effective._

 

_Albus,_

_I honestly feel like I'm talking to myself right now. Or like I'm writing in a diary like a little girl. Please just say something back. Or come to a class or two. I won't talk to you. I won't even look at you! I'll pretend like you're not there. It'll be like old times. You and I secretly hating one another. Your friends talking filthy lies about me and me pretending I don't hear them. Me alone. You constantly surrounded by people who love you – friends and family alike._

_I want to be normal again._

_Just say something._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_I very nearly talked to your friend Frank(ie?) today. I just wanted to ask if you were alright. But…I chickened out last minute. Gutless, right? If you would actually write back to me, just one word, I wouldn't have to put myself out there like that. Please don't make me._

_-Scorpius_

 

_Albus,_

_Fuck you. Just fucking fuck you, Albus Fucking Potter. I asked that absolute jackwad if you were okay. I did and do you know what he said? He told me it was none of my fucking business and that I needed to never ask about you again._

_Did you tell your friends about us? Because I don't think I'm alright with that. But if you did, whatever. Doesn't matter anymore. If you're like…dead or something…. Could you maybe come back as a ghost and just tell me that you love me once more? Just once?_

_-Scorpius_

~*~

"Get up. I'm not doing this another fucking day, Albus. Get your ass up and out of bed."

Albus barely even bothered to open his eyes as the blankets were thrown off of his body. This was a morning ritual now and he was becoming well-learned at ignoring it. All he gave was a small grunt as he pulled the pillows closer. Only to have those snatched away, as well. The top of his head clunked against the headboard and he resisted the urge to hiss.

Frankie roughly tugged upon Albus' feet, pulling him out of the bed and onto the floor with a harsh noise. That was new…. Once on the floor, Al had two choices - he could either lie there comatose and pretend nothing was happening, or he could react like a normal person.

The latter won. "Ow! What the bloody hell, Frankie?!" he screeched, rubbing his sore elbows. "That really hurt!"

"I have written consent from your father to quote/unquote 'kick your ass into gear'," Frankie said with a sickly grin, toeing his friend's leg. "Let's go, let's go - no more depressive sleepyhead." His tone was dark and meant business, and the way his eyes watched Al reflected it.

Groaning, Albus curled into himself on the forth and shook his head back and forth repeatedly. "I can't do class today," he mumbled. "Today is Potions. Today is not a good day. I can't do today... I want to go back to bed. I'm tired. I didn't sleep last night. Just let me go back to bed. I'll go to classes next week. I'll start...Tuesday. But not today. And not Monday. No. Potions..."

"Is this because you've missed all of those meetings with Malfoy? Do you think he'll be mad at you...?" Frankie settled upon the edge of his friend's naked bed, crossing his arms out of impatience. "I think he just wants the help. I don't think he cares why you've been gone... Just that you're not helping. He asked about you... But, I mean, he always comes off as an ass, so...the fact that he sounded like one doesn't mean much.

"Just get up and go eat breakfast. Go to class. This needs to end, Albus!"

With that, Frankie was storming out of the room. He stormed out every morning, but this time was different. This time there was still this threat that if Al didn't listen, things might not bode very well for him. For some reason, _now_ was when they had decided to take action against his destructive behavior. But why now? What had been the tipping point? Scorpius talking to Frankie?

Sighing heavily, Albus pushed himself up off the cold, wood flooring. He so badly wanted to protest more, throw fits, whine and shout about how he just _couldn't_ do this anymore. But he didn't have that option anymore. Now they were cracking down on this. Even though he knew he wasn't mentally ready to be around people yet. Around Scorpius yet….

Two classes with that boy in one day would absolutely kill him. He wouldn't be able to stand that veiled look of relief at seeing him, _finally_ _seeing him_ , when he walked in door. There might even be a whisper after the class period begun that his letters had made a difference.

Yes, Albus had been getting the correspondences. He wasn't replying out of not reading them. It was because he was trying to distance his heart from this man. If he replied, it would fuel him. He would continue to share those inner, personal feelings. And there had already been way too much of that.

How was he supposed to get over his love for this man if this man wouldn't leave him and his feelings be?

"Merlin's hairy nutsack, I swear I'm seeing a ghost!"

With a dark blush, Albus pulled the hood to his robes up over his head and continued his descent down the stairs. "Thanks, Rose," he mumbled as he reached her and Frankie by the portrait hole. "Now the entire world knows the crazy has escaped from his room."

"Aw, but we like the crazy to come out and play! He's no fun shut up, wallowing and whatnot." Very gently, Rose nudged her cousin with her shoulder and gave him one of 'those' smiles. The type of smile where her eyes roamed over his face for too long, trying to make sure he was okay. She wasn't the only one to ever do this, so he had come to recognize it easily.

"I'm fucking fine, Rose. Just…. Can one of you walk me down to the kitchens?" Albus asked softly. He's been eating the last two weeks, but it hadn't been in the Great Hall. He couldn't stand to be around all of those people. The thought scared him. He worried they could see that he was heartbroken. That he had been in love with Scorpius Malfoy and was having difficulties getting over him. He felt exposed around other people. And he most certainly didn't feel comfortable enough to sit there this morning. But he felt he could take a step to go to the kitchens himself this time instead of begging someone to bring him something.

Rolling his eyes, Frankie turned on his heel and walked out of the common room. There was something tense about him. Like he'd lost his patience. Al watched him go with confused eyes and turned to Rose for answers. "He's just done with your antics, Allie," she answered, his voice rather thin. "You need to come eat with us downstairs, or go to the kitchens on your own. Your choice." And with that, she was gone, too.

Albus had a very short amount of time to make his decision. If he stewed on it for too long, they'd be too far ahead. And then he really would be all alone, whether he wanted to be or not. Which was the most terrifying part of it, really. It might have honestly been Rose's angle all along, since she knew him so well. The satisfied smirk she wore as Albus rushed to catch up with her gave a small hint towards this theory.

"Professor McGonagall visited your parents." They were nearly to the Great Hall and Albus was starting to get fidgety in a nervous way when Rose spoke up. An attempt at a welcomed distracted, most likely. She angled her head over at her cousin, giving him a slightly sympathetic smile. "And then all three of them met with Frankie and I. They tried to get Lily to come, too, but she refused. Seems she's still quite sore over you 'killing the Quidditch team'."

Albus sighed, shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. In his right he mercilessly clutched the Marauder's Map, and the other was doing the same to his journal. "What about, then?" he asked softly and avoided any sort of eye-contact with anyone as they walked through the too-spacious room. He figured he was almost the exact opposite of claustrophobic. Spaces this large freaked him out when he was fragile, the effect much the same as locking his father in a closet would have.

Rose guided the boy over to where Frankie had just sat at the Gryffindor table, patting the seat on the other side of her. It was an end seat, meaning the only physical human contact he would have to endure was hers. And across from him currently sat her brother Hugo, someone he was completely comfortable with on good and bad days. "Thank you," he whispered and took the seat, eyeing the food surrounding him. All of it smelled so good…and yet he just couldn't bring his stomach to the idea of consuming any of it. Instead he poured himself a cup of coffee and sprinkled in a spoonful of sugar.

"Well…about the fact that you haven't been attending classes," Rose continued their discussion, scooping a heaping helpful of eggs upon both hers and Frankie's (who was still stewing silently) plates. "Or coming out of your dormitory. You're one of the more promising students in this school, you know. When a promising student starts to miss class, people will notice. Even Scorpius Malfoy, apparently." She gave a small smile, showing she was trying to be encouraging even though she could still feel Al closing off. "They're just all concerned, really. But they know that you would react better if the encouragement to get your ass out of bed came from us, your friends, so they left the job to us." To end, she shoulder-checked her cousin with a small giggle.

All Albus could think to do in response was sit there and roll his eyes. Again. People were concerned about it, this wasn't news. He'd done almost this same exact thing back in fourth year when he had begun to figure out his sexuality. And his parents had brushed the responsibility of helping him cope on Rose and Frankie back then, as well. And last year after Aubadon had given him a wink at lunchtime, but he later spotted him snogging a rather endowed Ravenclaw. Apparently it was the 'Albus is overreacting…yet again' procedure.

From across the table, Hugo watched him, but not in the way people usually did. More in a way of…understanding? They were similar, but not the same. Hugo didn't have breakdowns – he just remained to his quiet self. "They're just trying to help," he said under his breath and quirked his lips into a half-smile. "And they missed you."

"We _did_ miss you, Allie. It's not the same, telling you what happened every day after it happened," Rose said through a mouth-full of scrambled eggs.

"And I'm tired of writing notes. Rose never takes the initiative when you're gone, you know." The tone Frankie used was civilized enough. It was soft and caring and could almost pass for genuine. If Albus hadn't known him so well…. It was his public 'I'm pissed off at you' voice. Something about the way he was raised hindered him from every displaying anger around others. That was reserved for behind closed doors, not for the breakfast table. "And you worried your Dad again…."

"Fairly sure I always worry Dad..." Truly, Albus couldn't remember a single chunk of time where his father hadn't been fretting over him for some reason. When he had talked to Scorpius on their first 'date', he hadn't been lying when he said he never had bonding time with his father. That's because the most alone time he ever had with him was when he was being coddled for some dramatic fit. All his fault, of course. That was their 'thing'. Lily had Quidditch, James had overall manliness, and Albus had shaky mental health.

Laughing just soft enough to himself to be polite, Hugo reached out to pat Al's leg. "And that's what makes you special in this family. You're always on everyone's mind!"

~*~

History of Magic was tolerable that morning. Then again, it wasn't a class Albus had been particularly worried about. He could sit there and pay attention to the class and bot sorry about who was around that could possibly distract him.

Potions was an entirely different story...

Crossing the threshold of that classroom took an incredible amount of courage. If there wasn't even a small part of Al that was a Gryffindor, he used it then to move his feet forward. Rose was beside, and that helped the nerves to a degree, but he couldn't help but to imagine that back table being a horrid beacon. He envisioned failing in his restraint and looking for just a moment, but finding that the consequences of looking away again would be disastrous. As he walked slowly through the room, he couldn't help but to recall his grandfather coddling him as a young boy when he had nightmares about Weeping Angels. The dread was much the same here. Close your eyes and you never know where you might end up.

"Mr. Potter!"

His heart pounding from the startling exclamation, Albus turned towards the front of the class. He was nearly done tip-toeing to the blonde boy he wished he could be a world away from. It was a major step for him! And then Slughorn had to interrupt him. "P-Professor…?" he questioned, raking his fingers through his hair to hide the deep breath he was sucking in.

Grinning like the madman he just might be, Horace Slughorn waddled around to the front of his desk. "Marvelous to see that you're feeling better today! Mr. Malfoy has been wonderfully diligent in your absence, but I'm sure he'll be glad for the help again. Correct?" He looked to the back of the classroom, expecting an answer. Bringing that boy into Al's life again so forcefully.

He almost fled then. Before Scorpius could lay eyes on him. Before they could exchange looks or words or uncomfortable buried feelings. But Rose's cautious look and the expression of slight disgust Frankie wore kept him rooted to the room.

"Sure."

The flippant retort was like a slap in the face. After all of those letters, pleading for him to come back – _just to come back_ – Albus had half expected the Slytherin to be grateful he had done just that. But, no, he was still just the same jerk as ever. And somehow that gave him a hint of determination to work with. Jaw squared, he marched back to their table and threw his bag down on the floor beside the seat he took with a small huff.

Scorpius said not a word to Al. He didn't even give him a tilt of the head for a sign of recognition. He merely went on his way with the potion, jotting something down next to a step in the directions. This was exactly how Al had wanted this to go…but that didn't mean he was satisfied with the outcome. At least one word, a hello even, would have been nice.

In that uncomfortable silence that spoke further than any explanation of feelings ever could have, both boys sat beside one another. The made very certain without much intention to not let their arms or shoulders or legs touch in any way. And their eyes never lingered upon the potion or the instruction book at the same time. It was just as uncomfortable as anyone outside of just them might expect. And that was the agonizing fact of it.

And then Albus' notebook began to glow….

The brunette boy was absolutely sure his breath would never stop catching at the sight of his name glowing in embers on that cover. He hated to admit this, but it was a true fact – he was quite entranced by this gift still. Even though he was sure he didn't want to read anything the boy on the other end (sitting right beside him) had to say.

Too bad curiosity had an iron-clad grip on him. Biting his lip, he slowly slid the book closer, trying to casually flip to the newest page. Next to him he heard Scorpius take in a breath and held it, but he tried hard to ignore it.

_Back from the dead, I see ;)_

Biting his lip, Albus raised his eyes to just barely look up at Scorpius. He could just make out an amused, little smile gracing his tempting lips. Why was he so happy today? Why was this so satisfying to him? After what happened last time they spoke…what gave him the right? He reached over to snatch up the other's quill, jotting a response down while trying to hide it.

_I wasn't dead, Malfoy. Obviously._

_And I'm not back for you. I didn't even want to come to class – I was forced. So stop looking smug._

Albus snapped the journal shut with every ounce of his anger. He slid it back to the corner of the desk, his jaw squared with determination. There was no way he was letting himself slip back into those bad habits. Things were over with the two of them. Just because he had a sweet smile…and his hair looked rather sexy today…and he was radiating sexual heat…did _not_ mean that he had to give in again! They were all reasons he should stay away, really. He wasn't going to pretend that the last two weeks of wallowing meant nothing. That he hadn't just been nursing a broken heart. That he wasn't still….

Another couple minutes and a few shifts from the boy next to him brought the cover to glow again. Albus sighed heavily, reaching for it again, but this time with a little more subdued in spirit.

_I heard the rumors around school. I know you've just been sulking in your bedroom, ignoring anyone who wasn't your precious best friends. I also know that your parents had to come to the school to have a serious sit-down with McGonagall. And that everyone seems to be worried about you. You're a star in this school, Albus. Sorry if that's too much pressure for you, but you were much missed._

_And not just by me._

_So, did you at least think of me as you laid in bed? Think about our time together? Please say yes…._

The question brought a blush to Albus' cheeks. He _had_ thought about Scorpius while up in his bed. He had thought about him several times when no one was around and his dorm-mates were asleep. About how he touched him and how it felt to have him inside – completing him. He coughed to hide the shake remembering this brought to his hands. How was he supposed to respond to that?!

_I'm not going to answer that!_

This time, as Scorpius flipped open his own journal, he let loose an actual laugh. It was soft, Albus was fairly sure he was the only one who could hear it, but it was there. He wrote back quickly, lighting up the black cover within mere moments.

_Then I'm taking that as a yes._

_I know it's my fault you were gone. But, honestly, I'm getting quite a good case of whiplash from you. One moment you say you love me and the next you're off crying about how you don't want me. I'm not honestly sure where we really stand…. Can you maybe help me out with that? Call it an early Christmas present._

In his mess of emotions and things, Albus had completely forgotten the date. He had noticed the snow outside and the slight chill the castle took on, but it had been in the back of his mind as he hadn't been going outside. As he checked the schedule at the beginning of the book, he came to realize that Christmas was indeed coming up. And fast. It was now only twelve days away... Time really had snuck up on him. "Shit…," he whispered, realizing that in a week's time he would be going back home. He would have to face his parents and their worry and everyone else and hear how wonderful their lives were and…. What would he even have to say in response?

_I love you, Scorpius. I love the way you make me feel – most of the time. But then there are those times when I just cannot stand you. When you act like a jerk or when you remind me of just how different we are. There are also times when I remember what being with you in any way means. Choosing between secrets and persecution. Not knowing whether you would be faithful. Not knowing if anything would work out! I've already dealt with heartbreak. I'm currently dealing with it from you. I can't handle anything more. I don't know how to handle it as it is. So…as much as I want to be with you, I just can't. And I need you to respect that. To stop trying to provoke me._

_Merry Bloody Christmas, you have what you asked for._

As Albus closed the cover this time, he did so with hesitation. Allowing the man he felt so much for to read this felt like baring his complete soul. It wasn't something he was comfortable doing with anyone, let alone Scorpius Malfoy. But, in the end, he took a small leap. He owed the boy this much – jerking him around like this.

Why was he always trying to pick apart and destroy the good things in his life…?

_I am very sorry for everything I've ever done to make you upset. And I'm sorry for…being a jerk and causing you to hibernate for two weeks. I'm sorry I'm a jerk that brings up sex more than I probably should. Albus, I care for you. I'm not used to feeling this way, but maybe I should even try to get used to it. If you want to end all of this – once and for all, no going back – I can respect that._

_But if you want to give it another go…just one more…. I'd be good with that, too. And I think we should try doing this without sex, if you agree to it. Just two guys trying to date. Really date. Not so much in the public eye, but at least with the affections such a relationship would carry._

_What do you say, Al? Or should I go with Allie? The nickname is key, you know._

The correspondence was everything Albus would have hoped Scorpius would say to him. But not right now. He was starting to feel like he might be able to go through the rest of the day. Like he could be okay and Frankie pulling him out of bed that morning might not have been the worst thing! But this was threatening to slam him right back to that dark place. The one that depressed him so harshly that he didn't feel like his feet could hold him up. Like all he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up again. His mind would keep going, while his body gave up. Worrying about little things. Thinking he should just die and put everyone out of their misery. That he wasn't worth love and that all of this heartache was a good sign to that.

His bed sounded like a mighty wonderful place again. He was terrified of what this could possibly bring. But the fact that he really loved this man, hopelessly and devotedly, screamed at him to just give it another shot.

_Yes._

_Allie_

All Albus gave was one word in response. It was all he felt necessary and it felt just like stepping into an ice bath. He held his breath as he closed the journal before tucking it into his bag. The class period was nearly over and he was finished putting himself out there with this boy. He'd already given up everything he'd tried to work through in the last two weeks. What more could be expected from him today?

"Please don't try to give me up again."

Albus cringed at Scorpius' words. They were a pleading, but almost came off as a command. Telling him to stop acting so irrational and just settle with him already. And that felt like his throat was constricting on the spot. He rubbed at his neck, staring down at the floor and letting out a small mewl. The signal came for class end and he stood, his knees feeling like they might give out.

A strong hand clasped over his upper arm, leaning in to whisper very gently in his ear. "There's no pressure. Don't freak out, Allie. It's okay." The words were calm and gentle. Reassuring. Albus found his eyes meeting the ghostly grey ones so near his, taking a bit of his steadiness and nodded with a long intake of breath.

Scorpius let go a moment later, so as not to cause suspicion, no doubt. He gave a small squeeze to the boy's hand behind the table, then let go and walked off as if nothing had happened. Leaving Albus behind with a rapidly beating heart and a small smile.

Maybe this could be okay…. Maybe it could even end well, when it inevitably ended.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was fast.... I might be able to get another up this weekend, too. So keep any eye out! The next one will be lots of fun Christmas drama ;)

Christmas was everywhere at Hogwarts. Albus, if he had even left his room, would have noticed that in the two weeks he was gone, changes had exploded everywhere. There were wreaths on nearly every single door of the castle. Tinsel and garland were hung wherever possible. Large trees stood in many corners, decorated with various themes. Rose had explained to him that students this year were able to sign up for a tree and were able to decorate in whatever way they wished. Prizes had been given for a couple of different categories, as voted by the rest of the students, at the last dinner before the holidays began.

It was all much too cheery for Al, honestly. Sure, he had a spring in his step, but he wasn't exactly…happy, yet. In the time that he had been spending (in secret, again) with Scorpius, he was getting towards there. But his mind was still reeling overall. Every time his hand would graze the other boy's, the sexual tension would basically radiate into him. It would cause him to worry that just sitting together to work on their potion or study or just…sit wasn't enough. They weren't even talking. Words would be exchanged, yes, but they weren't personal. Just quiet 'how are you's and such.

This secret relationship was really more trouble than the good it put out. But Albus wasn't ready to give up the small hope it carried for anything.

"Are you going home for the hols?" Albus asked softly the Friday before said holidays were to begin. The next day, all of the students who would be returning home for Christmas would be leaving on the Hogwarts Express. Al was most definitely going to be one of them, but he hadn't decided yet if he was relieved by this or burdened.

Looking up from the salve's instruction book that he most often pondered over like a Bible in their private time, Scorpius gave a small nod. He reached across the table in the library (where they parked themselves most nights to avoid the temptation of sex a private location brought) for a moment grabbing Al's hand and giving it the smallest of squeezes. And then it was back to being his surly, off-putting self. "Yes, I am," he spoke quietly, hardly moving his lips. "Why?"

Albus shrugged and tried to distract himself with something. He had finished all of the school work set for the holiday and had sat down here with only a single book to keep him preoccupied. But it was hard to concentrate on reading when there was so many thoughts running through his mind. "I was just curious. I am, as well. Didn't know if…. Well, if you wanted to work on this project during that time. We can, if you want. I won't be missed, anyhow…."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe, Allie."

A small bubble of excitement popped inside of Albus' stomach at the nickname. Since they class period where they had decided to try this out, Scorpius used it quite often. And yet it still made him feel special every single time. He grinned over at his boyfriend (he felt confident enough to use this term, now), a shy little gleam in his eyes. "If you really know the dynamics of my family and where I ranked…you would. I'm quite sub-par in comparison to everyone else. Even Louis is more fascinating than I. He, at least, has films he can geek out about with our grandfather and whoever else might have seen them. I…. Well, I'm not altogether special. I'm pretty sure I'm actually described as being quite a burden."

In that instant, Albus wished they were in private. That now, of all the nights they had been spending together, he was somewhere he wasn't embarrassed to show full emotion. The tears beading in his eyes made him feel like a child and he wasn't emotionally ready to deal with that in front of anyone. Except _maybe_ Scorpius. With caution, he looked around and noticed no one in their near vicinity. He wiped the wetness from his shining green eyes with the back of his long-sleeved t-shirt and averted them down to the table.

Talking about his family didn't always make him feel this way. Sometimes he was content being left on his own during holidays and special occasions. And then there were the times where he would sit there in the corner of the room and watch everyone get on so easily that he couldn't help but to mourn for himself. They were his family, which meant he was fine to connect with them all at first. Tell them what he was studying in school, ask how their lives were. But past that…. He just wasn't good with the small talk. And Rose, well she was brilliant at it. She could abandon him for an hour after saying she was just going to the bathroom, getting roped into a stupid conversation on the way.

Building those types of close relationships didn't come easy to Albus. It could be why his love life wasn't working out for much thus far. It was most likely why he turned to sex as soon as he ran out of things to say. And he was cute enough to get away with it. His innocent, yet sexy, looks seemed to make boys and men alike just…want him. Without any sort of personal attachment. Except for Scorpius…. What was making him so much different? It certainly hadn't started out that way.

"Did you hear me, Allie?" Scorpius asked under his breath, dipping his head in closer. There was a slightly concerned look in his eyes as he searched Al's.

"Hm?" Albus did his best to put on a happier face. He begged for the sadness to leave him in peace for just an _hour_ at least. What he ended up with, instead, was a slightly grimacing upturn of the lips that wouldn't have convinced even a child.

Scorpius sighed through his nose, for a moment taking on an annoyed look Frankie had been carrying around Albus the last week. Al flinched back from it, cracking open his book and staring down at it, unseeing. "I was _saying_ ," Scorpius said sharply, reaching out to cover both pages with his hand, "something encouraging. That you are a great person. That they're missing out. Basically. But if you're not going to listen to me…. I don't even know why I'm speaking."

The hand didn't faze Albus. He wasn't really reading, anyway. He continued to stare down at the page, pretending, and hardly even voiced his response. "I'm sorry…. I've been checking out lately. Losing small chunks of time…. I'll try harder. But…thank you. It's nice of you to say those things."

"Albus, can I kiss you?"

The question had the same exact effect that a slap to the face would have. Albus jerked his chin up to stare at the other boy, eyes wide and full of instantaneous distrust. It could have been a completely innocent question, really. Just a kiss. But to Al, it was like the last week didn't mean a single thing. That the time since they had engaged in intimate activity of any kind was thrown out the window. Like Scorpius had just given up on all of that in a time when the Gryffindor was feeling most vulnerable and throwing it right in his face.

"Oh, don't look at me like that, Allie!" Scorpius said defensively, sitting back in his chair. "You looked sad. I just wanted to show you that you're loved. Alright?" He shook his head a couple times back and forth, then leaned forward with his arms crossed over the table and studied the book again. "Merlin…."

The shock showed further upon Albus' features, then, but he leaned in this time. It wasn't so much bad as…just surprised. One world was all it had taken to change his emotions so rapidly. That _one word_. "Y-you…love…. Love me? You love me…." he whispered, voice cracking upon that special word that the other had _never_ said to him in that way. Actually, he'd made a point several times of saying he didn't feel that way.

Scorpius' shoulders froze and stiffened instantly. "Shit," he whispered under his breath and avoided looking at Albus completely. He trained his eyes down to the table, composing himself. Thinking. And all the while those eyes of vivid green never left him. "I…. I didn't really mean it that way…," he tried to cover, brushing the topic off. Like it was a mere accident.

"But you said it." Albus' voice shook as he spoke. For a moment he had hope. For a moment the need for sexual release of any kind accompanied actually feelings of love. And in that moment he felt like he could be truly happy. That had all be ripped away from him just an instant later. "You said I was loved…like you loved me…."

There was something warring inside of Scorpius' mind. Albus wasn't really sure what it was, but he had a feeling it had to do with an answer to his question. Like one side wanted to admit the love and then there was the other that he was supposed to stick to that didn't want it to be true. Wishful thinking, most likely. Taking in a deep breath to steady his courage, Albus stood and walked around the table so that he was sitting in a chair right beside the other boy. He leaned into him, resting a hand on his leg. Squeezing for a physical sign of support before leaning in and kissing his cheek. "It's okay…. I told you a long time ago. You can tell me. _It's okay_."

" _Fuck_ , Allie!" Scorpius' tone was short, causing Albus to flinch in response and back off just slightly. "Fine! I love you, okay? I love you and it's a very conflicting feeling I have so if you would _just_ …."

"Just, what?" His fingers glided over the small pieces of hair falling in the Slytherin's face, Albus leaned in to kiss his cheek again. Then another few down his jawline until finally he reached his lips. The worry over watching eyes completely disappeared as their mouths melded together. Passion flickered between them and a thread of trust wound them tighter to one another.

With a moan that vibrated Albus' mouth, Scorpius pulled back from the kiss just enough to be able to speak. He was breathless, his fingers curled tightly into the nape of the brunette's wild hair. "Just…. Just stop being so damn lovable…."

Both boys laughed softly, wearing truly happy smiles with unabashedly bared teeth. Albus stole one more kiss, loving the feeling of just this with no worry of sexual obligations afterwards. He then pulled away and checked again to make sure they were still alone. It was near closing on the first night of winter holidays. Of course they were alone.

"You're making a decent man out of me, Potter. I'm not sure that I like it," Scorpius joked, gently bumping their shoulders together. "I'm not entirely sure that fits the 'Malfoy way'."

"Fuck the 'Malfoy way'. You were probably secretly a decent guy before me."

Scorpius laughed then and it was exactly like music to Albus' ears. He reached across the table, keeping this close seat and grabbing his book. The rest of the time they were allowed in the library passed by in a hazy dream. A good one. One that actually made Al sad to leave the other boy that night. He really just wanted to guide him up to the Room of Requirement after such a great night and spend the entirety of the rest of it doing whatever felt natural in the safety of seclusion.

In the end, however, he remained a good boy. Scorpius did walk him up to the seventh floor, but only to leave him just around the corner from the Fat Lady's portrait. And all he left him with was a single, chaste kiss to last him until they could see one another again. Promises were made to spend time through the break together, details to be worked through at a later time. They each had their journal and in the meantime that could be enough. It could get them through this. And so could their finally mutually-stated love for one another.

~*~

"Surprisingly, you do seem to be doing better..." It was the first thing Lily had said to her brother since he had quit the Quidditch team. She had been actively avoiding him all this time, leaving meals when he arrived and never lingering in any of his predictable spots. But now that they were stuck in a compartment on the train together, apparently it was okay for her to speak to Albus. "It usually takes you longer than just a day to pull out of your funks…."

Not that her words were kind…. She was at least acknowledging his presence again, though.

A small smile on his lips, Albus shrugged. He was sandwiched between the window and Rose, with Frankie on the other side of her. Across from them was Lily, Hugo, and Louis, his sister taking the window seat. "It wasn't as bad this time, I guess," he said nonchalantly, quite out of his 'funk' since the night before. "I worked through things."

"Meaning he's back to fucking his secret boyfriend," Frankie spat. He still hadn't been the same since forcing Al out of bed a week ago. He wouldn't talk to him except for around a group and he most certainly didn't give friendly looks. But Albus hadn't approached the subjected yet. He was trying to allow the other to work things out in his own time.

Except now he was tired of waiting and most certainly over the flippant commentary. "What I do in private is of no concern to anyone but myself. You do _not_ have the right to assume things about me, Frank." He tried to keep his words calm and civil, but was finding it hard as the boy narrowed his eyes at him like he was issuing a challenge.

Frankie's hands formed tight balls at his sides as he leaned forward to stand up. There was hate and anger unlike Al had ever seen in his eyes. He found himself very grateful that Rose placed her arm out in front of her boyfriend and gave him a scolding to calm his shit, because he certainly didn't want to see what would come of this.

It was still a mystery what Albus had done to make his best friend so angry at him. He's pondered over it for countless hours and the best he could guess was that the boy was tired of coddling him. This wouldn't normally make him so volatile, however, and that's why it still remained a mystery.

"You're just pissing everyone off, aren't you, Albus?" Lily's words were a stab to the gut. He looked down at his shoes, the good mood momentarily delayed. It seemed like this break was going to be harder than usual.

For the next few hours of the ride, Albus pulled out a book and read. He was done socializing and therefore tuned them all out. His corner was his silent bubble, consumed by only this book and what was taking place in it. Just the worries of a teen thrown into a powerful role in a dystopian future taking up his consciousness.

Until that book ended and he realized that he hadn't brought another along. That was when he sat there staring at the floor, his knees brought up to his chest in a defensive stance. A pathetic stance.

"Hey, Al, would you walk with me down to the loo?" It was the first thing that broke through Albus' shell, and only because the question was directly aimed at him.

Albus looked up at Louis, catching the secret in his eyes and nodding immediately. Out of everyone here, he was the only one with a glimpse inside his situation. And he was the only one he could trust right now to be mostly kind about it. They stood together, walking out in silence even though they knew some of the others had questions. Louis never needed an escort – he was viciously independent. It was a bit fishy.

But Al didn't care. He just needed someone he could truly talk to right now.

Once they were a safe distance away from open doors and prying eyes, Louis finally opened his mouth and revealed his ulterior intentions. "So…the 'L' word, huh?" He looked out of the corner of his eye up at his cousin, a smirk visible on his lips. "How'd you pry that out of him?"

Despite the embarrassed blush to his cheeks, Albus couldn't help but to be slightly elated at the question. "He, uh…. He said he wanted to kiss me to show me that I was indeed loved. He didn't mean to say it, but…we ended on a good note on the subject." The toothy grin he wore was hiding absolutely nothing. He was head-over-heels for this boy. "Speaking of Scorpius, why aren't you sitting with him for the ride? Isn't he like your bestie of something?"

"One, no one says 'bestie' anymore, Albus. Please brush up on your teenage colloquialisms," Louis scolded, stopping outside of a closed door at the end of the car. "And two, that's actually why we left those stiffs back there. Figured you'd like to see your boyfriend for a bit."

Louis reached out to open the door, walking inside with his arms outstretched but saying not a word. Slightly stunned, but mostly elated, Albus peeked inside after him. The only occupant, rather surprisingly was Scorpius Malfoy. He was sitting all by his lonesome, his legs out in front of him on the seat, his own leather-bound journal propped up on his knees. He raised a brow, watching his friend come inside, instantly brightening.

If Albus had imagined what these two would be like when alone, it most certainly wasn't this. Smiles and hugs and easy-going friendship. It just didn't fit with how he knew either of them. And that was rather intriguing.

"I thought you _had_ to sit with your gaggle of gingered cousins," Scorpius snorted, either blatantly making fun of Louis' own strawberry-blonde locks, or ignoring them.

"Oh, darling…." Giggling like an obnoxious schoolgirl, Louis plopped himself right down upon the blonde's lap. Al's hand went over his mouth to hide his jump of surprise and watched as Scorpius laughed along with him. "I just wish I knew how to quit you…."

At this point, it was a bit hard for Albus to stand this any longer. A small lick of the jealousy monster came out of him as he cleared his throat and stepped inside as well.

"Oh, right! I brought you a present, too!"

Louis completely disregarded the fact that he was currently sitting upon Al's boyfriend's lap as he beckoned him forward. He was all teeth still, and that irked Albus more than he could say. "Oh, did you?" Scorpius asked softly, turning his eyes onto the Gryffindor boy. They roamed up and down him, feasting on all that he was as if he'd never seen him before. "You know, you may want to be careful, Louis. Your dearest cousin may start to think you have feelings for me with this way you carry yourself…." Scorpius gave a wink that curdled Al's insides, then pushed the Weasley boy off.

"Don't you fret, 'dearest cousin'," Louis was quick to say, picking himself up off the floor with the utmost dignity. "It was only a film quote from one of the few movies Scor has actually seen. I am absolutely nowhere near contention for any role of importance in your boyfriend's precious life." He seated himself no on the seat opposite, lying down and spreading across the entire cushion.

"Aubadon forced me to watch it," Scorpius mumbled, setting the journal aside and placing his feet upon the floor. "It was a…strange film. I'm not exactly a fan of anything Westernized…so cowboys fucking in a tent is not exactly my cup of tea…." He patted the seat directly to his side, grinning up at Albus. "Though we did enjoy the sheer sexual tension through it all…."

The thought of his boyfriend and his past fling watching such a homoerotic sounding movie together made Albus' skin crawl and his stomach sour. He slowly took a seat, mostly in order to keep himself from retching. "Please don't," he whispered and stared down at his shoes.

With a sigh, Scorpius leaned against the seat back. "Sorry…. Though if it's any consolation, Auby and I weren't sexually active yet at that point." But he didn't even seem too moved by the revulsion clear on his boyfriend's face. He had his public mask on again.

Immediately, Albus stood up again and sighed. "Right…. Anyway, I should get back. Nice to see you. Goodbye." He leaned down for a small peck of a kiss before absolutely bolting and not looking back. Not even as Louis ran after him, shouting his name.

"You know, this is why you're having so many fucking issues with this... _thing_ between the two of you." Louis' voice was stern and slightly cold as he caught up, bumping his shoulder harder than in a friendly way. "You don't know how to handle your feelings. If you don't like him talking about intimate moments with someone else, do something about it. Kiss him and make him forget that he was ever _with_ anyone else. Don't just snap a comment and walk away."

Albus could hear the eye roll in his words. He was frustrated. He was annoyed. He was wondering just how Albus had snagged someone who actually wanted to try for a real relationship with him. Al didn't need him to voice these things aloud for him to know that's what he was thinking. Mostly because that's what he himself was thinking. The regret from walking away was already nagging at his mind. He was screaming at himself inwardly, shouting and pitching a fit over why he'd left in the first place. If he had been alone, he knew he'd be voicing these shouts out loud and would most likely be beating himself up physically over it.

Why was he so…stupid?!

"My people skills are rusty," Albus supplied in a mumble, his attempt at a reasonable excuse. "I don't know how to react in these situations…."

"Bullshit." Grabbing onto his cousin's arm, Louis halted their steps just out of view of their compartment. "Get your shit together. He's already told me that if you fuck this up again, he's done. He really does like you. I don't know if the love thing's really there yet, but he does definitely have feelings for you. And if you can't stop acting like a fucking crazy person, he's going to give up on you. He's not a fucking yo-yo, Albus. He's a _person_."

Louis left Albus standing there, stunned from his words. It was all what he already knew, but the realization of them hit him hard. He didn't want to cause this romance between them to die. All he wanted was to keep Scorpius to himself for as long as he could. It would probably kill him if he happened to be the cause of their end, especially before it had even begun to be anything at all.

"Get your shit together," he whispered to himself, digging his fingernails into his palms. When he release them, the sight of the angry, red half-moons surprisingly made him feel better. He pulled in a breath, releasing his tension and making a resolution. He would work harder to be a real person. To act like someone with normal feelings. If he could push past his lack of social skills and all of his anxiety, this could work out. He just had to try harder.

"You can do this, Albus. Just work on it. Try to calm down and act normal. Channel normality."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize a thousand times over for the late update. Work has been crazy and recovering from that has been hard. But that's enough about me.  
> This chapter is told from Scorpius' point of view. I realize that his character has come off as changing personality quite quickly. Hopefully this will help to defuse this thought and help you realize why he's changed as he has. Enjoy, as always, and please let me know what you think!

This was starting to get uncomfortable. Scorpius couldn't ever remember feeling this way. It wasn't even like he had been repressing these…things with others. He just hadn't…noticed it before. Or maybe he hadn't felt it before. And he was fairly sure that was a good thing, because this was not something he was quite enjoying.

Most often, now, it felt like he was struggling for a breath of air. But only when Albus was around…. Or when he thought of the boy. Or when the boy was casually mentioned around him. His pulse was raising now just thinking about thinking about him.

Wincing, Scorpius rubbed at his chest and took in deep breaths. His eyes closed and all he could see was that brilliant set of candy-apple-green eyes. He was being absolutely haunted by that image. When he was eating, putting away his laundry, dreaming…. It was everywhere. _He_ was everywhere.

"Fuck," he whispered softly and snapped his own grey eyes open again. Staring up at the ceiling and trying desperately to forget the way that boy did absolutely anything and everything.

Scorpius was pathetic.

And having given this feeling a name had only messed everything up further. But he was fairly sure that was all Albus' fault.

Desperate to get his mind off of that damn Gryffindor, Scorpius pushed himself up out of bed and searched around his room for something to do. He'd already put all of his school things away and tidied his already pretty clean room. Father was working and Mother was visiting with a neighbor. He had the house all to himself, and he was absolutely bored….

After a few lazy moment of searching, finally Scorpius' eyes landed on something. He couldn't remember the last time he had played his violin…. Slowly, he crossed to the case tucked neatly in the corner where it could be easily forgotten. But once it was in his hands again, he couldn't help the natural feeling it gave him. The relief from life and the ability to take away whatever he was feeling.

He could feel the notes he played by memory vibrate through his bones. They shook him down to the bottom of his heart and made him feel at _home_. Somewhere partway through the song, he closed his eyes and completely blocked out the world. It was like that damn kid didn't exist. And his feelings of love were completely buried still. And everything was okay. If only it could have been that way permanently.

One song easily turned into more and more. He was so caught up that he had no idea how long he had been playing or what he even was currently fingering the movements to. It was all coming from his head like instinct and impulse.

Truly, it wasn't until Scorpius felt someone come behind him and grip his shoulder that he actually moved from that initial spot. And when that happened, he came to a screeching stop and whipped around. His eyes were wide and red and there were tears leaking down his cheeks. Confused, he reached up to touch them in half-realized state while trying to recognize who was in front of him. Playing so passionately had put in him some sort of dream-like daze.

"Oh, sweetheart…," Astoria whispered, covering her mouth for just a moment. Then her motherly instincts kicked in and she threw her arms around the boy – who was now a good five inches taller than herself. He truly took after his father, with everything except for her brilliantly curled hair. "I haven't heard you play in forever…. It was beautiful. I just wanted to tell you that…."

Astoria's auburn hair smelt like home. That and rather expensive manticore scale shampoo. Nuzzling into her embrace, Scorpius tried desperately to get the tears to stop. He didn't even know why he was crying! "Thank you, Mother," he whispered back into her locks and took another deep breath. It helped to loosen the rock-like substance in his chest.

Smiling sadly, the woman pressed a kiss into her son's platinum hair. "What's wrong, Scorpi? What's making my baby cry and play such devastatingly beautiful music?" She chuckled softly, massaging his pale scalp in just the relaxing way he'd loved since infancy.

Scorpius might have laughed along with her. If he had truly not known why he was crying or if his heart felt a million times lighter. But he just couldn't. All he could manage to do was sink further into her and sob harshly. "I don't understand this, Mother. I-I just don't!" His nails grasped desperately at her clothes, begging her to take the pain away. Begging her to just tell him this was nonsense. That he could forget all about the Potter boy! It was just as easy as he hoped!

But she couldn't. Astoria didn't even know what her son was worrying over. Scorpius' wasn't the type – never had been! This type of crying and whining wasn't normal for him. Gently, she gripped him back – just for the moment. Then let go and took ahold of his face. Stared into his eyes that looked so much like his father's it scared her sometimes. Right down to the cold shell on them that protected their hearts. But not right now. Right now Scorpius was an open book pleading for help. For relief. "My dear boy…. What has you so worked up? Is it your classes?" She looked around for a sign to tell her what to do. Anything! But found absolutely nothing amiss about the room. Nothing save for this sweet boy falling apart in her arms. "If it's your classes…you don't have to take them. We can find you a different career path – your father will understand."

"All I hear is Grandfather's voice in my ear…."

Immediately, Astoria's mind went to the man's death. They all had been quite devastated when it had happened. Sure, they had been allowed the time to prepare for it, but nothing could compare to the actual situation. She bit her lip, scratching a line in her bright red lipstick with an inwardly bent canine. "This is about Lucius…?" she breathed, wiping at the tears with the pad of her thumb. "Yes…?"

" _NO_!" Scorpius shouted, throwing off her hands. Glaring at her and wishing she could just _understand_! Wishing she could read his fucking mind! He looked down at the violin still clutched in his white knuckles. Then back at his mother. Rage took over his emotions, allowing him a vessel in which to let out his emotions. He crashed the beautiful, vintage wood down on the hard surface of his wall. The sound of the splinters flying in every direction was relieving. It took some weight off of his chest and he could _breathe_ again.

It was after the boy let out a rather animalistic cry that Astoria finally decided to end this fit. She hated herself for doing it, but Draco would have guided her hand to anyway had he been here. The slap filled the room, wiping out any sounds of anger, music, tears, or pity and leaving absolute silence in its place.

"You are _not_ a toddler, Scorpius," she said with as much conviction as she could muster in her shaky voice, "I will not allow you to have a fit like one." Astoria slowly took a few steps towards him, reaching to take the remaining half of the instrument. "Do you understand?" she asked, softer.

Very slowly, Scorpius bobbed his head up and down. He allowed her to take away his now-broken violin and backed up to the window seat, sitting heavily upon it. Staring at his hands. Looking like an absolutely shattered mess. "I…. I apologize…," he muttered, scrubbing his hands roughly over his face. Ridding himself of the last remnants of tears. Smarting the reddening mark upon the alabaster complexion. "I'm a wreck…and I apologize."

Scorpius wasn't sure what had come over him. Truthfully, he wasn't sure what had come over him for the last few weeks. Months…. He pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead, pressing the back of his head into the cold glass of the window. It helped to calm whatever harsh feelings were beating against his skull and making him feel heated. Slowly, he took deep breaths and willed everything to just quiet down for a little bit. Allowing his childhood upbringing to take over and replace what he'd become as of late.

"I'm here, Scorpius. You could talk to me…if you have something to get off your chest…?" Astoria gave a slightly taut smile, sitting beside Scorpius and slipping off his ponytail holder. She ran her perfectly manicured (but not flashy, just a simple and classy French tip) fingernails through his curls, trying to pry real feelings out of her cold, Malfoy heir. "What were you saying about your grandfather?"

Even now, as he was beginning to settle down, Scorpius could hear that man's silky words taking over his mind. He'd heard them so many times since he'd begun to notice that stirring. "'Marry for blood, Scorpius. Marry for blood and try very hard to love.'" He said the words with as much passion as he could muster, but the words still came out frigid. There was no way he could make that statement sound as well-meaning as his grandfather had. He always had a way of speaking like he was trying to be caring even when his words were severe.

Something was starting to click for Astoria. Her expression shifted from confused to realization, and then very swiftly to a slight bubble of happiness. Even though she knew that her son was supposed to be a perfect Malfoy right down to the heart, she couldn't help but to be happy that he was questioning that. "Sweetheart, please don't think on what that stone-cold asshole told you. He was…stuck in old ways." She smiled and gently kissed to boy's cheek.

"He _loved_ Grandmother. And you love Father! Obviously it works. He _had_ to have told Father that same thing when he was coming to that age. When he was…discovering romantic feelings. Or sexual feelings. Whichever…." Scorpius frowned, imagining his father in his own position. Had he loved a woman before his mother? A man? Someone else who he had to give up in order to keep with the family bloodline. Trade his happy life of undying love for someone he hardly knew and hoped he would actually come to have feelings for her? "Was he with someone before he met you?"

"Are you under the impression that we had an arranged marriage?" Astoria's laugh gave personal insult to her son. She seemed absolutely stunned that he could think such a thing. But, really, he felt it was all rational. He gave a minimal shrug in response and tried to pull away, but she held fast. "Scorpius, Draco and I pursued one another in a very normal way. Actually…I pursued him." She giggled, looking down at the floor as if she was remembering a far-off time and place.

"Draco was older, as you know. Not too much, two years is all. But that was enough for me to completely fall head-over-heels for him. He was dark, mysterious, a little brooding, and of course quite handsome. You can see how I would have fallen for him, I'm sure…." She giggled like a schoolgirl. An actual, honest-to-gods giggle. Scorpius winced at the undignified sound of it and pushed her hand out of his hair. Not that she even realized it was still there, she was so lost in the past. "I followed him around like a puppy ever since I turned thirteen. It was my thought that at that age, I was perfectly ready for a serious boyfriend. And he was the only option I considered.

"Of course your father ignored me as he was a 'mature' fifteen-year-old with his own issues to attend to. The year after that…he didn't speak to anyone, let alone me. And then there was the war…." She sighed sadly, then shook her head and tried for another smile, though this one was quite sad. "But after! Afterwards, your father just needed someone to talk to. He was so disturbed and sad. And I was all-too-happy to be there for him! We fell in love like a normal couple, just maybe with a little more crying and screaming than most would think is healthy. I like to think I'm the only thing that could have rehabilitated him into a normal person.

"Your father…. He may act like he's a perfect product of his family. Dignified and stone cold at times and very obsessed with perfection as well as success." At this point in her story, she leaned over to squeeze the boy's knee and again kissed his cheek. "But, as you know, he has a soft side that is not right for his family image. And is a marvelous, caring lover…."

His face shifting from slightly bored to completely disgusted, Scorpius whipped his head to stare at Astoria. (Who was beaming wildly, of course.) "Mother!" he nearly shouted, closing his eyes and shaking his head. His parents…shagging…. Now that was an image he definitely didn't need to have in his current state. Or any state, for that matter. "That is…appalling!"

"You mentioned his possible sexual feelings first!" his mother came back with, her laugh soft and almost embarrassed. She even wore a soft pink hue to her tanned cheeks.

For a moment, both Malfoys just stared at one another. Each quite flustered and wide-eyed. Sharing personal details about their activities in the bedroom…wasn't normal. It wasn't even acceptable for their social status. But then again…they weren't exactly perfect Malfoys, were they?

Bowing his head, his curls covering his flushed cheeks, Scorpius said on nothing more than a whisper, "I might have more than sexual feelings in the making…." He said it almost like it was a dirty secret. Mostly because it was. He'd always thought that being in love…was a bad thing…. "I've told him that I love him, Mother."

Astoria was silent. Her brow was furrowed and she stared at her son like she didn't even know who he was. It was perfectly wonderful that he was experiencing these feelings, however…she was aware of how they must conflict him. And that was what worried her the most. "Him? You love him?" Her lips upturned just slightly as she stood, latching onto his hands and pulling him with. And then she was pulling him into a hug. One so tight and overly motherly that Scorpius couldn't help but to be filled with a warm sensation. He hadn't felt an embrace this passionate in years. Honestly, not since she had lost the baby…. And back then he was sure that was mostly to reassure herself than him.

"I don't _want_ to love him, Mother!" Scorpius hissed, clinging into the hug without even realizing it. "I was perfectly fine just shagging him. He was…. Well, he was wonderful at it, actually. But then he started to act funny and got clingy…." Frowning, the boy closed his eyes and could flawlessly hear that moaned phrase Albus had given. "Albus needs love. He can't just shag. And I should have stopped when I realized that. But then Louis…. Well, Louis – that prat – he got me thinking. It's his fault I fell in love. He brought up the idea and I just must have…clung to it. It's ridiculous. And then Grandfather died and I just…."

"Something's changed in you, Scorpi." Astoria said the words in such an affectionate way. Such a motherly way. Not that she hadn't been a wonderful mother to Scorpius all his life. It was just that now…he could actually feel it. He really needed her to speak like this. To hold him like this. And she did a wonderful job at it, causing him to be reassured in a way he hadn't thought possible. These words let him know there was absolutely no shame in falling in love. "Lucius' death has changed you."

Maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn't Louis' fault at all for this whole love thing. Maybe he hadn't actually listened to the other boy's speculations and taunts as well as he thought he had. It was quite possible that this, along with most everything else in his life, was a product of his grandfather's influence.

His death could have turned him soft.

"So I felt…heartbroken by Grandfather's death? And therefore I clung to whoever was closest…?" Scorpius questioned aloud, almost forgetting he was in his mother's arms. It made a bit of sense. Throughout his grieving process, he had only really spoken to two people – one of them being Albus. The other was Louis, and there was definitely more of a forced friendship between them than anything. It wasn't supposed to be extremely personal. So that only left the Potter boy…. "So I don't really love him?"

That small statement and realization was actually quite relieving.

"That's not really what I meant, Scorpius…." Pulling out of the embrace, Astoria gently placed her hands on her son's cheeks. Looking into those liquid mercury-colored eyes with slight pity. "I was just saying that-"

"I know your intentions, Mother," Scorpius hissed and pushed the hands away, walking off towards his bed. He reached into his nightstand, grabbing the two-way journal and just staring at it like he could no longer understand its existence. "But I've come to my own conclusions. Loving that boy doesn't make sense. It's not me. It was just a side-effect of death."

And those Malfoys were back – just like that. Scorpius snapped right back into being the cold-hearted heir Lucius had pushed for him to be. Astoria could almost literally feel her heart breaking for the boy, but knew from experience with the rest of this family she had married into that there was no reasoning. Biting her lip, she merely nodded and went for the door. Before exiting, she stopped with the door halfway closed and said softly, not looking at her son, "Albus Potter, correct? …He always seemed like such a sweet boy. I would be proud for you to love someone like him."

If Scorpius had been open-minded, his mother's words would have meant something. He might have smiled and reconsidered his new view. But he was very good at blocking out nonsense – and that, to him, was definitely nonsense. He dismissed it easily, lying back on his bed with the journal in his hands. Staring at the cover.

Last Christmas, he had been told that people were having troubles finding gifts for him. He didn't take care or pride in much of anything outside of his schoolwork. He had enough potion-making supplies and educational books to last him a lifetime. But somehow his parents had decided that a journal with his name personalized upon it was a better idea….

Until Potions class this year, he had seen no use for it. The book had stayed in his trunk, buried under everything. Until Albus had come around…. He had figured out that spell, bought a journal in a new color, and it seemed perfect. A great way of communication.

But now….

Sighing softly, Scorpius threw the book as hard as he could across the room. He didn't want to look at it. Inside there were…personal things. Things he wouldn't have said to anyone under normal circumstances. There were feelings in those pages that he couldn't even understand. So why was he _feeling_ them?

By throwing the book, Scorpius had hoped he could forget about it. However, it had the complete opposite effect on him. He just stared at where it had landed near his closet. Longing to pick it up. Longing to read what that boy had written him. Longing to run his fingers over what he had expressed with the curtain on his hesitations lifted.

Two sides were warring inside of Scorpius. The one his father and grandfather had raised him to be. This side was rational and concerned over marrying in the bloodline. One day producing an heir his family could be happy for. That most likely would mean being with a woman, but that could be okay. He didn't think he was completely into men, boys, whatever. Sure, he'd never had sex with someone of the female persuasion, but…he could try. He _should_ try. But there was still the possibility of marrying a man. They could somehow make it work, like the salve he and Albus were currently working on. Somehow he would just have to find a fellow Pureblood who happened to prefer the company of the same sex. Like…Aubadon….

He chuckled, though a grin never sparked his face. It was a preposterous idea.

The other side of Scorpius leaned more towards being the man his mother (and maybe his grandmother) wished he would choose to be. This was a side he hadn't truly felt since he was a child. Since he was scolded for sobbing over having not a single friend when he was nine. Not once throughout his entire school career had he opened up to anyone. The only person he had really been close to was Aubadon and that was complicated. It was raw and sexual most of the time, fueled by rebellion and experimentation.

But now he had gotten to know Albus more personally and he was like a refreshing fire. He was warm and soft and sweet and full of problems. Nothing Scorpius had ever dreamed he would desire. So why did he…?

At the same time there was Louis who was pushing for this. Subtly and in a very Slytherin-like way, but he definitely did it. Like he felt the two of them would be good together. Scorpius couldn't even get a good night's sleep because all Louis wanted to do was analyze him. Compare him to some film. Propose a solution that worked for a character in that film. It was annoying, yet…refreshing. Having a friend was nice. He hadn't really wanted a bond like that in the beginning, but being able to voice his concerns to _someone_ was nice.

Especially concerns about Albus. Albus was his main concern, after all.

How exactly was Scorpius supposed to ignore that boy? How was he supposed to ignore the fact that he felt like someone was clawing him from the inside out?

Albus was beautiful. It was plain and simple and there was no way of ignoring it. Just the mental image of the boy brought about a wild stirring inside of him. He slowly lowered himself down upon his bed, his head falling into his hands heavily as he let out a completely wrecked groan.

Beyond that, Albus was sweet and caring. He was shy and reserved. And yet around Scorpius, he had a way of letting his guard down. He could be light and funny and cute and sexually invigorating. It wasn't just the Malfoy boy who was changing with this situation they had thrust themselves into. The Potter boy was changing just as much, as far as he could tell.

And right here, right now, Scorpius needed to settle on a reaction to that. A reaction to all of this. How was he going to handle these feelings? How was he going to look the boy in the eye and be okay with letting people down with his decisions? It was beyond complicated….

Sitting up, Scorpius slipped his wand out of its holster on his arm. With a silent wave, the journal came flying back to him. He caught it against his chest, holding it there with a pained look upon his face. He traced his name on the cover and contemplated what he had decided to do. The words he would say and the choice he would ultimately make. With the letter he was contemplating writing, he could change everything. That sounded more than just scary. If he wasn't careful, it could open up a whole can of worms neither of them could be ready for.

As he started writing, Scorpius could already feel the rift in him starting to open. He could feel regret for his words and the impact they could have in the future. This could make things complicated or help smooth them over. That was for Albus to ultimately decide, but he needed his voice heard. And he needed it heard loud.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is again told in a different point of view. This might actually happen more often in the chapters to come. But this one is done from Aubadon's perspective. And I just have to say that he absolutely drained me. I do have a good idea on the specs of the next chapter, though. So I'm hoping this weekend (since I have three days off), I can get that one whipped out pretty fast. Please comment because it completely fuels me to want to write more for you guys. Love you all!

Not that he would admit it to anyone, but Aubadon almost missed Hogwarts. He couldn't care less about the classes or learning anything of value. In retrospect, he hadn't been all that great of a student. There were a few classes he had barely passed in the end. Truthfully, Scorpius had done more of Aubadon's homework in those last couple years than himself. Out of pity, really.

No, what he missed about it had nothing to do with school itself. It more was having nothing he _had_ to do every day. Like a job…. And his choice of whoever he wanted to shag. The food was rather enjoyable, as well. The lack of pressure, basically, was what he longed for. To be fed and supplied with whatever he needed….

But Scorpius was still in school. And that might have been the worst part of it. Aubadon didn't need anyone to keep him company. He could always find someone (with a decent amount of effort, nowadays) to keep his bed warm for a night. But the normal companionship of a friend was quite lacking for him. And some days…it felt strange. If he was still in school with Scorpius…it might not be so odd….

Aubadon didn't have feelings for the boy, by far. They had, however, used one another for exploration purposes as teenagers. And after the stress of first finding a job to support himself and then training for the ones he had tried out and then quitting them and then looking for another one, something like that seemed…enchanting…. Sexual release with someone he already knew extremely well….

So, when the Malfoy boy had written him, asking him to come over for Christmas Eve dinner…. There was no way he was going to say 'no'.

"Mrs. Malfoy." Aubadon raised a hand in greeting to the brunette woman that greeted him at the door. He only gave a small smile to accompany the gesture, his other hand mussing through his chocolate-colored locks.

Sighing softly, almost in disapproval, Astoria stepped aside to allow the boy to enter. "Mister Zabini…. Scorpius invited you over?" she asked, her voice terse and slightly cold. Which fit quite well with the rather expensive knee-length blue dress she was wearing and the tight bun her hair was wound into.

"Yes he did," Aubadon said, entering the house with a bored sigh. "I'm going up to his room." It wasn't a question. It never was.

"Dinner will be served in an hour when Mr. Malfoy is home."

To say that Aubadon didn't get along with Scorpius' parents was an understatement. His father was good friends with Draco, but that didn't make a difference. He was fairly sure he knew why, but couldn't be bothered to fix it. They didn't approve of his carefree lifestyle. Of the fact that he took a bit too much after his grandmother and could never last more than a few days with someone. Anyone, really. Because he wasn't too choosy as long as they were attractive enough.

It was quite possible that they were worried he would break their little boy's heart. But that wasn't really possible…. Scorpius could be just as cold as he was.

"Thanks for warning your mother…." Aubadon closed the door behind it, purposefully neglecting to lock it, and leaned back against it. His eyes carelessly fell upon Scorpius, laying short-ways across his bed, staring up at the ceiling with his hands just resting over his stomach. He was dressed, but not quite in the way he should be for a formal family dinner. Just a simple black t-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans. Far different from Aubadon's grey button-down, red cardigan, and tight tan slacks. His shirts were unbuttoned to show off his chest. He dripped sexuality, as always, with his cappuccino skin, the hoop in his left nostril, and casual way he wore slightly feminine jewelry. Overall, he was irresistible.

And he knew it.

Scorpius barely looked over at him, raising a dark eyebrow. "I didn't feel like dealing with one of her lectures…."

Slowly, calculating, Aubadon crossed over to the bed. He settled beside the bed, running just the tips of his fingers over the worry lines etched into his forehead. "How have you been, Scorpius…?" he asked, just barely audible.

With a sigh, Scorpius closed his eyes and shrugged. He looked as if he'd been through the ringer. Something was weighing heavily upon him. His shoulders were tense and there were worry scars on his lips.

"I have been better…."

"You haven't written in a while." Sitting beside the blonde, Aubadon leaned over him. Trying to force him silently to look at him. His eyes often betrayed his inner thoughts if one knew how hard to look.

There was a faint smile to Scorpius' lips, but it fell quite quickly as he opened his eyes. The silver pools shone with a slight bit of wetness and they seemed…troubled. "I've been busy, Auby. I've had a…lot of schoolwork."

"Bullshit," Aubadon said with a smirk, taking unsurprising initiative and swinging his leg over the blonde's waist. He straddled Scorpius, leaning in close so that when he spoke, the boy could feel every word flow into his lungs. "Your being busy…. It has something to do with what you told me after your grandfather's funeral, correct? When you'd had too much champagne…. When you warded my advances with that _boy_ 's name…. Hmm? Is that why you've been so 'busy'?"

Aubadon still wasn't sure what to think of Scorpius and the Potter boy. Yes, he himself had given him a spin over the summer. Just a small taste. But he hadn't been overly thrilled by him. He wouldn't ever want him again. So the fact that Scorpius had taken him twice now…at least…. He just didn't really understand it. Why had he even given him a chance to begin with? What exactly had prompted the two of them to even speak? The Malfoys and the Potters didn't get along. Everyone knew that. So…where had this come from?

That was his feeling on the situation, generally. Confused. And a tiny bit sickened.

Again, Scorpius' eyelids fell closed (almost in a wince), shouting the exact opposite of what his words said. "Absolutely not. That's over. And I would prefer not to speak of it anymore."

It was a lie. Every tense muscle in Scorpius' shoulders told him so. Sighing softly, Aubadon moved his hands from where they were by the boy's head. He more of his weight upon his hips, rutting only enough to be noticed at the back of the mind. His fingers started at the base of Scorpius' belly, ghosting their way up his chest until he reached his shoulders. Digging in to his muscles and massaging away the stress.

"I don't believe you…."

"It's _over_ ," Scorpius hissed, then let out a moan as a particularly harsh knot was kneaded away. " _Potter_ doesn't know how to keep his feelings out of the mix. He's pathetic. He's a piece of pathetic shit. He's not worth my time…." His words were definitely tinged with hatred, but Aubadon was having difficulty deciphering who it was towards.

"Would you like me to help you forget about him, then? Forget his touch and his delighted noises? Forget the way he arches his back and the shining green of his lust-blown eyes?"

All Aubadon needed to continue was the desperate way Scorpius pulled him down into a kiss. Nearly attacking his lips with teeth and tongue. Aubadon grinned, returning the kiss with a softer enthusiasm, sinking into the way they had perfected these moves over the last few years.

It had certainly been awhile since they had done anything sexual together. Three years tomorrow since they'd actually had sex. But sexual favors didn't have to mean full-blown penetration. They could take the form of a raced handjob before class or a night full of exhaustion-inducing making out. Even small things like that, however, hadn't taken place since the beginning of the summer this year. Not that Aubadon hadn't tried. He felt his heart had been in the right place when he'd tried to take his friend's mind off of his grief after Lucius died. But he had been shot down with a slurred excuse about staying 'faithful'. To Albus Potter, of all people.

Now, though, none of those hesitations were in place. He was free to expose the alabaster chest and lick up the dark trail of hair that led down into his jeans. There was not a restriction set in place to prevent him from biting down on the rosy nipples, receiving a dark moan of encouragement.

Practically no time had passed before the blonde was lying completely stripped of his clothing and his ability to see clearly upon the mattress. Aubadon shifted them up towards the pillows as he worked the remaining secured buttons of his shirts. His moves were methodical, yet mechanical. Kisses and ghosted touches in just the right places to earn those delicious sounds. He hardly even needed to concentrate as he kicked off his own trousers.

And then they were closing that final gap between them. Scorpius was sighing in satisfaction as he adjusted to the intrusion. No one had taken him since Aubadon himself, and the man took a deep pride in that fact. A lubrication spell aided their cautious movements in that beginning, the pain receptors charmed to be masked as pleasure.

Aubadon was no amateur at this process. He could probably literally do it in his sleep. But he wouldn't want to today. Being with this particular boy felt too wonderful to ever wish to be blocked out. He let out an unhindered moan, his nails digging crescents into the pale, perfect hips.

"Fuck deeper," he heard Scorpius whisper just as something caught the corner of his eye. A figure in the doorway that brought a smirk to his lips. Before the boy beneath him could notice as well, he shifted on his knees for a more comfortable balance. Two fingers of his left hand reached down to force themselves into Scorpius' mouth, between his gritted teeth. He pulled him up, the other's legs wrapping around his waist and transferred their position to something more exciting. Aubadon rocked into him, his fingers still held onto his teeth as their mouths were merely inches apart.

Scorpius' pink tongue slicked his digits, his eyes transfixed upon the man taking away all of those memories. He seemed not to have noticed they were being watched. And he definitely wasn't going to with Aubadon's wet fingers caressing his weeping cock. His eyes closed and his head fell backwards, the man swaying into him digging his left hand into his platinum curls in order to steady them.

And to shield his vision from the door as he gave a sickly look in that direction.

The absolutely horrified and sickened look on Albus Potter's face would have made anything worth it. Aubadon would have fucked any one of that boy's red-haired, freckled, freak cousins just to see that look in response. His green eyes were wide and clearly readable. He was shocked at not only what he saw, but who was doing the deed. Maybe the boy had thought Scorpius was his. Maybe he had felt they were exclusive to one another. Maybe he had even thought that the great Malfoy heir could have loved him.

But there was definite question to that now. His hand covered his mouth as if he was holding back bile and he slowly stepped away from the doorway. He couldn't even shut the door as he backed off from his stare with those dark, evil eyes. Aubadon chuckled and winked at the boy, giving a particularly harsh thrust into Scorpius. When the blonde nearly shrieked his response, Albus bolted.

Softly chuckling, Aubadon returned his gaze to the boy underneath him. He laid him back upon the pillows, feeling accomplished enough to end this. A few more deep, carefully aimed pumps had both of them completely undone. Sweat and filth drenched both of their chests, drying into a sticky mess as the man laid down beside his conquest.

There was no describing the pride in Aubadon's expression. His eyes were closed and he was slowly taking air in to calm his racing heart. If he wasn't afraid Scorpius' father would murder him, he would have lit up a cigarette to share. A cliché thought, he supposed, but it definitely was satisfying after a good fuck.

"Did you leave the door open…?" Scorpius asked blearily, pushing curls out of his face and snagging on tangles. Frowning, he pulled the strands closer to his face and worked his fingers through them.

Giving a secretive grin, Aubadon slipped his legs over the edge of the bed. "Must have," he said in response, reveling in what he knew.

It was very possible that things were over completely between the two boys. If Scorpius said he was done with Albus, who was Aubadon to call him a liar? He believed the boy wanted things to be over, for one reason or another. But that could mean several different things. They could have had a fight and recently called it off. One could have wanted to end things and the other maybe wanted to fight through it. One could have wanted desperate enough not to want the other and decided to fight against what they were feeling. Albus' presence in the doorway could have just been him coming for a small chat. Coming to work on a school project. Coming to beg for Scorpius to reconsider.

Whatever the reason was, however, for that boy to be in this house, Aubadon was one-hundred-percent certain that he now knew it was just as over as Scorpius had been trying to convince himself. And he had pretty much been first-handedly responsible for that. It would give a solid ending to this irrational thing between the two of them once and for all. And Scorpius wouldn't have to say a single word.

He'd wanted it to be over. And now it was, thanks to Aubadon.

"That was quite a bit better than the first time," Scorpius mused quietly. He had given up on the snarls in his hair for the moment, it seemed. In its place, his attention turned towards watching Aubadon carefully redress. Eyeing him as he fastened every single button, his silver eyes never straying from the decreasing stretch of bare chest.

Giving a small smile, Aubadon fixed his jewelry. He didn't look at Scorpius, not feeling the need to keep taking peeks at the boy's naked form. "I've had quite a few men in my bed since our first time," he said smoothly. He wasn't in the least bit bashful about this fact. Sex to him was easy. It was like living and breathing – normal. "Women, girls, boys, anything in between…. I don't discriminate beauty – you know that."

Scorpius nodded and sat up, crossing to his closet with just a slight limp. The charm was wearing off and he was starting to feel the pain. This fact caused a slight jolt of excitement in the pit of Aubadon's stomach. That limp meant that he had owned the boy in a far better way than he had ever been owned before. He and the Malfoy heir were close enough that he knew no one had ever taken Scorpius except for him.

He had a far heavier power over him than anyone else ever would.

"I did need that…."

The muffled voice from Scorpius' walk-in didn't say anything Aubadon didn't already know. Maybe the blonde hadn't known that himself, though. He was quite good at blocking out feelings, as most children of Pureblood families were. It could be that he hadn't even realized how desperate he was to feel something different until just now.

But Aubadon had seen it, that reeking despondency. Even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, Scorpius seemed to have felt something for the Potter boy. It wasn't his place to say what, exactly. But there must have been something if he needed to get over him in such a way. And now…he was better for it….

"I mean…it's not why I asked you over here. I don't think. But…it was nice," Scorpius admitted. He was falling into his more comfortable skin. Any cautions he may have had from their time apart these last few months was gone. He was opening up and losing his cold exterior, acting like a friend with the only person he'd really ever fully opened up to.

At least, Aubadon was sure he was the only person. The boy hadn't had any other friends when he had been attending school still. Though that could have changed since he'd graduated.

"Nice?" With a chuckle, Aubadon crossed (now fully redressed) over to the closet. He was knotting his dreads into a makeshift ponytail that ended midway down his back, attempting to look more 'presentable' for dinner with the Malfoy family. Which could, potentially, be a harrowing occasion. "Sex with _me_ was 'nice'?"

Scorpius' chuckle was almost full of delight when he turned to look at his friend. This time his clothing choice matched the expectations of a formal dinner – a suit in normal black and white tailored perfectly to his trim figure. "Well you didn't whip me or anything, so…I'd say for you that constitutes as nice. Right?"

Shaking his head back and forth, Aubadon leaned against a set of drawers. He sure wasn't about to admit it, but the word almost felt like a slap in the face. To hear something he'd felt had been so…passionate described in such a blasé way _stung_. It constricted his throat in an unfamiliar way; took the breath from his lungs like a punch to the gut might. He didn't know why he cared so much, but he did.

"I don't think I'll stay for dinner."

Eyebrow raised, Scorpius wheeled around to stare at his friend. "You won't stay?" he asked quietly. There was a slight bit of pain in his eyes and he was fumbling with his tie instead of succeeding in tying it. "But…I asked you here for that specific reason. I asked you to come over and spend the holiday with me! The point was for you to be _here_ because…I _asked_ you to. Not for you to fuck me and then _leave_!"

Aubadon rolled his eyes and shrugged. The desperation in Scorpius' voice stung, but not enough for him to truly start to care. "I have better things to do than to play boyfriend or whatever. If you want someone to do that, get back together with Potter. I don't care to know what he was to you, but apparently you miss him. And I don't want to be the stand-in on your pathetic need to be 'loved'. Understand?"

It was harsh, but did Scorpius really expect anything different? Aubadon wasn't the type of friend to give anything soft. That wasn't a secret, by far. But one might think it was if they had seen the blonde's face. He looked as if he'd been slapped. His skin was a sickly green color and he couldn't remove his pale eyes from the floor.

"Same fucking Aubadon," Scorpius spat and pushed past the man to leave the closet. "Just leave. Don't come back. Apparently you've outgrown the desire to be a friend. And that's perfectly _fine_. I have…made a new friend, anyway. I don't need you. So just _go_."

"You're developing real feelings, Scorpius." Aubadon smirked and casually strolled to the still-open door. "Seems that _you_ might be the one outgrowing _me_. You're becoming a real boy, young Mister Malfoy. And that is something I have no desire to see." He grinned and fingered a wave at the boy before leaving.

He left that room behind. Aubadon didn't give Scorpius a second thought. Somewhere deep inside, it felt like he had just ripped a little piece of himself off and thrown it away. But he could ignore that. He didn't need friends, especially not those who were younger and less mature than himself. And the night was still young! There was bound to be a bar close to home with someone desperate and lonely enough on the eve of a holiday to do something regrettable.

Aubadon couldn't care less that he had lost Scorpius. He was a jerk who liked to remain detached. If that was something the other couldn't keep up with, he didn't need him. Everyone was better off this way. As long as Scorpius didn't go running back to that pathetic green-eyed, delicate flower. That was the only thing Aubadon hoped would come out of this situation in the end.

If Scorpius ran back to Potter, he swore that would be the death of both boys.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Sorry in advance for how all over the place it sounds, but... that's Albus at this moment. Hope you enjoy the desperation. Let me know yay or nay ;)

"It's okay…. I'm okay, it's okay. It will _be_ okay. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay…."

'Okay' had become Albus' anthem since the night before. He couldn't think a single thought except to reassure himself that things were okay. No matter what he'd seen or what he was feeling, he could pull this together. His heart could be mended – he had to believe it.

_For the last five days, Albus had been rereading the last correspondence Scorpius had sent. His brain fervently worked to try and understand those words._

_That's all he wanted – to understand._

_And no matter how many questions he asked, no matter how many letters he wrote him, no matter desperate things he said, Scorpius never replied back to him. He had a feeling the boy wasn't even reading them. It seemed he had made up his mind. He had made that pretty clear…._

_Even now, staring down at the words he'd read a thousand times, Albus couldn't get rid of the stitch they caused in his chest. He had thought they were doing better. He had thought they had both decided to_ try _this. And then there was…this…. Something had happened between their talk at the school and now. Something had switched violently._

_Something made Scorpius give up. And it was time for Albus to find out what._

The decision to go hadn't been a good one from the start. Albus' place wasn't in the elaborately furnished Malfoy household. He really should have thought his decision over better before just going. He should have asked someone to come with. He should have…left it alone until they returned to Hogwarts.

"I'm okay," Albus said softly as his mother questioned why he was wearing lounge pants and an old Doctor Who t-shirt. He stopped on the bottom stair, giving her a small smile. Trying to be convincing. She warned him that everyone would be here soon and all he said was, "Okay," and shuffled off to the sitting room.

" _Hello?"_

_Of course Scorpius' mother wouldn't know who Albus was. But she did stare at him a little curiously, taking in his mess of black hair and the vibrant green of his eyes. Almost like she was trying to remember who else carried those features._

_Smiling softly, Albus raised his hand to finger a shy wave. "Um…I'm here to see Scorpius..." He eyed the one curl that wasn't tucked into her bun and the aristocratic bridge of her nose. He had to have the right address. "I'm Albus, uh, Potter. We're working on…a project in Potions together. I know it's Christmas Eve and I'm sure you have plans, but I just…. I have a question to ask him…."_

_At the name, the woman instantly softened. She beamed brightly and reached out to take his arm. Pulling him inside, she introduced herself as Scorpius' mother and asked him to call her Astoria. She was kind – the exact opposite of what Albus was expecting, truthfully – and instantly made him feel relaxed._

" _He's told me who you are," Astoria said softly, helping Albus out of his snow dusted coat. "Scorpius is upstairs with a friend, the last door on the first landing. Why don't you go on up? And you're very welcome to stay for dinner. Draco has been simmering a roast all day and it smells absolutely divine." Her grin grew as she spoke, but she attempted to hide it by turning away to put Al's coat on the rack._

" _Thank you," Albus said under his breath, watching the woman walk away. She had passed a rather ornate set of wooden, spiral stairs. Assuming this was the correct way to go, Al climbed up the stairs and followed her instructions. His spirits were slightly lifted, knowing now that his lover wasn't a lost cause. If he was speaking of him in the way it seemed, that had to be a good sign. He could still change the other boy's mind._

People started to trickle in steadily. The first to show up were his grandparents, of course. "I didn't think you still wore that shirt," his grandfather mused softly upon spotting him on the couch. He had been sitting there, unmoving, for the last ten minutes. He smiled wistfully, running the pad of his thumb over Peter Capaldi's face. It had been something he'd borrowed from Arthur to sleep in when he was nine and never given back.

Not long after both his grandparents walked off to talk to Lily, James showed up. Not that Albus was very surprised, but there was a woman on his arm this year. Frowning softly, he watched the two of them together. The way she held fast to his hand and how adoringly he'd look at her when he might have thought no one was looking. He introduced his date to Lily and Albus as Ahrann, but it seemed his parents and grandparents already knew her.

Uncle Ron, Aunt Hermione, Hugo, and Rose were next. Rose immediately came to Albus', plopping down into his lap. Gushing about the guesses she had about her Christmas presents and the cute boy she had met at the restaurant her parents had taken them to the night before. "Not that anyone could come close to Frankie," she added hastily, placing a finger over Al's lips as if he was about to question her. (Which he wasn't – he didn't feel like talking.) "He can't be here this year. Did I tell you that? Apparently Professor Longbottom took the fam to Africa for some…jungle plant or something."

Albus tuned out the rest of what his cousin had to say. She was always talking, and most of it seemed like nonsense, anyhow. While he was paying attention to her, Teddy had strolled in with a very pregnant Victoire. They explained that Vic's family was in France, but sent their apologies. A great relief for Albus. Today, he didn't think he could handle seeing Louis' face with such a fresh wound still open.

The next to show was Uncle Charlie, who immediately sought Harry out and pulled him away, claiming to need to speak to him alone. And that seemed to be it. Albus said a small blessing for the fact that he didn't have to deal with any new significant other for either of his parents this year. Apparently neither was currently dating anyone. This made things feel more genuine this year.

Even though they were divorced, Al's parents still lived in the same house. It wasn't their children's fault that their marriage didn't work out, so they didn't feel it was fair to make them choose who to live with. They didn't hate one another, they had simply fallen out of love. They were able to tolerate one another in the same house and it actually worked out rather well for them. The only solid stipulation was that the children came first. But dating wasn't banned by far.

It was just that neither of them had found someone new to be permanent yet. Ginny had come the closest a couple years ago. She had found a man – a fan of hers, apparently – who seemed like he could be a wonderful stepdad and always doted upon Albus' mother. He honestly still wasn't sure what had torn the two apart. All he knew was that by the time he arrived home for the summer after his fourth year, the man had become a taboo subject.

"So what's with the mopey chic?"

Albus looked blearily back at Rose, his eyes swimming with turmoil. He desperately tried to blink it away and become normal again. Even forcing a smile. "Just not feeling the formality of real clothing today," he replied softly, running his finger over a rusty curl. "I'm a bit…."

_Albus followed Astoria's directions with a slowly lightening heart. He thought about what she had said about Scorpius being up there with a friend. The only option he could come up with was Louis. And that was perfect! If Louis was there, he could help Scorpius see rationally. He could help mend this and be an extra, positive voice._

_Grinning, hopeful, Al reached the door. He didn't even bother with knocking because he was excited! He turned the knob and pushed the door open carefully, not even close to being prepared for anything traumatic. He opened his mouth, ready to say something witty about being decent. Until his mouth completely dropped open out of shock…._

_The room, clean and pristine and everything Albus would have imagined, smelt like filth. It was the first thing that hit Al, knocking all other thoughts out of his head. The second, though, took his breath._

_Scorpius was there, alright. And he definitely was with someone, but that wasn't someone he would consider a friend…. Friends didn't do_ that _sort of thing. Friends weren't that close. Friends…weren't that vile…._

"A bit…what, Allie?"

Albus looked away, shaking his head slowly back and forth. "Nothing," he said quickly. "It's nothing. It's okay. I'm okay. …okay?" There he was again, using that word. That disgusting word that made him feel better but…not at the same time.

"If you say so…." Rose shrugged, pushing up off of his lap. "I'm gonna go help Mum with the gifts. She has a couple more to wrap. Are you fine on your own?" Something in her eyes inched towards worry. She knew her cousin well enough to read him. There was something off about him today. He said he was okay, but she knew he wasn't. His ears were bright red from the lies and his eyes were shining with almost tears.

With a slow nod, Albus curled closer into the arm of the couch. He took to staring at the base of the Christmas tree, watching the presents pile up as everyone laid theirs underneath. Everyone was smiling and laughing and chatting. They were happy and Albus was…. Dead on his feet.

"Albus!" At his name, Al whipped his head around to look for the source. James was grinning over near the kitchen door, waving for his brother to follow. "C'mere!"

Sighing, Albus got up off the couch and loped over to his brother. Once he was close enough to make dramatics, he shrugged his shoulders in question. "What's up?"

"Come out back with us." James nodded towards the back door, backing up slowly with a soft smile. He was the same guy he'd always been – the exact opposite of Albus. Carefree, outgoing, strong, willful, and usually in a good mood. He had an infectious personality. But Al wasn't sure if that would help anything right now.

However, trying couldn't really hurt.

Albus followed his brother and the new woman in his life with his head bowed slightly. He kept himself hunched in, closed off. But that didn't stop James from trying to break through the shell. He clasped his brother on the shoulder, steering him to the bench near their childhood swing set. All three sat down upon it, Albus squished in between the other two.

The scent of tobacco lit the air a moment later. Al raised his brow and looked at James, his nose slightly scrunched at the smell. "Since when do you smoke?" he asked meekly.

Ahrann gave a giggle, then reached out to squeeze Albus' knee. She took the cigarette from James and pulled a drag before handing it back. "Your brother is a much more mature man, now," she said, her smile one hundred percent genuine. "I have successfully whipped him into shape."

For the first time that day, Albus pulled slightly out of her reverie. He tried _hard_ to focus on something else – something that wasn't his painful memories. Slowly, he turned his head to fully look at James' girlfriend. She was…beautiful, but in a different way than he might think. But for James…she was perfect. Thin, decently chested, flawless skin, and brilliant blue eyes. "How long have you two been dating?" he asked quietly, gently pushing her hand off of him.

The other two looked up simultaneously, sharing a secret smile and a small laugh. "Officially?" James asked, bringing a blush to his girlfriend's cheeks. "I suppose it's been about three months. With…benefits for six months beforehand…."

"Vile," Albus spat and brought his knees up to his chest. Of course that's how it would have started for his brother. Of course he wouldn't have a normal relationship. Did any of them in this family have normal relationships? Or did it always have to start out with sex…?

"I…answered an ad for a roommate opportunity," the woman explained, leaning back against the bench. Her body language reeked of sex and experience. "Things just progressed from there. Nothing bad about that. Your brother is a wonderful man…."

The way James looked at her…. He was in love. It was obvious. Nodding, Albus barely smiled at his brother. "Where do you work?" he asked Ahrann. Trying to make small talk – normal people did that.

Both of them giggled, looking at one another before answering. "I…am a pole exercise instructor…."

"What's that?"

Ahrann shrugged and stood, looking to take a new seat on James' lap. She leaned in to rub their noses together before kissing him. Albus' stomach turned a bit at the sickly sweet sight of it and held back from tuning out. "She…helps empower women through pole dancing classes," James said sweetly, pinching the woman's perfectly toned backside.

"Lunch is ready." Ginny poked her head out the back door, smiling at the three on the bench. Then immediately giving a disapproving look to James. "And out that cigarette. It's disgusting…." She crossed her arms, watching him until he crushed the butt in the newly fallen snow. "Better. Now come inside."

Lunch being ready meant sitting at the table with everyone. Sitting there awkward and wishing that he could just escape while everyone else gushed about what was going just swimmingly for them. Albus pushed up off the bench, returning to his inner shell and going back inside. He might not want to be inside, but he did want to get away from his brother and his perfect relationship. And his weird, stripper girlfriend….

At the table, Albus took a spot in next to Rose. It was a comfortable choice and she talked enough to keep attention off of him. It was how he felt he could get through this unscathed.

_Albus had hoped he would never have to see Scorpius with someone else. He had come to terms with being in love with him. That meant that he wanted him to be his alone. He didn't want to have to share…. And he didn't want to see this._

" _Fuck deeper."_

_And then those dark eyes were on him. His own went wide and he found that he couldn't move from his current spot. It was shock. This was something he shouldn't have to see. Why was he watching this…? Why hadn't Astoria warned him? Why had she let him up here?!_

_Their positions shifted. It was hot and unnerving how beautiful Scorpius looked in a submissive form. He'd never thought of the boy like this. Never wondered what he would look like with someone else inside him – manipulating him! But…apparently this was it…. He looked completely lost in the throes of passion. He looked completely undone. He looked…thoroughly satisfied._

_Covering his mouth to hold back his need to throw up, Albus backed away. Aubadon kept staring at him. Giving him that winning look. He was making it very clear that he_ owned _Scorpius. He was currently plowing him like no one ever had besides him. Letting it be known that Albus didn't have a fucking chance in the world with this boy._

_He never did. He never would. It was over._

_And he needed to be okay._

"Where's your dad?"

It was like having whiplash, pulling himself back and forth between the present world where he was falling apart and the past where he had been shattered. Albus looked up from his untouched plate and scanned the table. There were two seats completely empty. No food on the plates. He took a quick assessment of the dining room and noticed that Uncle Charlie was also missing.

"Um…I don't know," he said quietly and took one last survey. "I guess they're still talking…."

"Hey, Albus, answer something for us."

Sighing, Albus forced himself to focus on someone else. He aimed a fake smile up at Teddy and raised a brow. "Yeah? What's up?" He tried to focus as best as he could. But he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering. Trying to look somewhere else. Trying to…piece himself back together very carefully. Very unsuccessfully.

"What are you doing after school? We were talking and…no one seems to know." Teddy nodded at Rose and grinned. "Obviously everyone knows that Rose is going to be a love potions saleslady. She's just so good at getting guys to fall for her."

Laughing in good nature with just a tinge of hurt, Rose threw a roll at Teddy. "Excuse me?! I have a steady _boyfriend_ , Edward Remus Lupin! And he is the only guy for me for the rest of my life." She grinned brightly, winking as everyone laughed along with her. They were pretty much just waiting for her to find someone else to run after. It happened all the time…. " _I_ am going to be a writer for _Witch Weekly_. Everyone knows _that_ , you ignorant ass."

Albus was the only one at the table that didn't chuckle along. That didn't catch the wit and banter train. He let them talk back and forth for a little longer. They were acting like a normal family. It was healthy. It was good. It was…out of his element. Normally he could follow, but today….

"So, what are you doing? What's your plan?"

The topic was back on Albus. Al bit his lip, feeling sweat start to drip down his back. "Um…." The first half of the year was a blur to him. He could see it flashing by in his brain, but couldn't comprehend anything outside of….

_Albus ran. He didn't just run – no, he bolted. He turned and he clamored down the stairs, making for the door. Looking for escape. His heart was shattered and he felt if he stayed any longer in this house that looked so much like Scorpius…._

" _Whoa, whoa…. Albus, what's wrong?"_

"A-Albus?"

" _I can't…. I-I have to leave! I have to go. I have to leave and I have to…." He looked back up the stairs, then at Astoria with wide eyes. "Don't tell him I was here. Okay? Don't…. He doesn't need to know. He doesn't like me anymore. He's moved on. I don't need him. I can be okay. It's okay…."_

_Very slowly, like Albus was a fragile doll, Astoria reached for Al's face. She touched his cheek and caressed tears off of the surface. "What happened? Did Scorpius…? No, no – it was Aubadon. What did he do, sweetheart? You look…." She couldn't even finish, he looked that bad._

" _Just don't say anything!"_

"Albus! Hello?!"

"Is he okay? He looks like he's sick? Is he going to…pass out?"

"He's fine. I think he's just a bit…tired. Maybe it's just another…fit…."

_Astoria tried desperately to keep Albus at the house. But she didn't know this kid. She didn't know that this boy had problems. All she knew was that he was freaking out and…she wasn't sure what to do about it. All she could do was let him go. Watch him run out with tears in his eyes and pulling at his hair._

"I don't know!" The outburst was completely unexpected. Everyone in the room was already looking at Albus. They were staring at him in concern, but now they were looking at him in shock. Waiting for more explanation. "I don't know what I'm doing with my life! I don't know what I want to do after school! I haven't picked anything to do and I…I just don't know, okay?! I don't have it together!" He pushed up out of the chair, knocking it to the floor with a cruel clash.

Rose snorted at his side, standing and grabbing his arm. "Well, that's for sure. C'mon, let's go to your room. You can calm down."

Albus allowed himself to be pulled away from the table. Mostly because he didn't feel he could say anything without producing projectile vomit. They went to his bedroom, closing the door solidly behind them.

"You need to talk to me. _Now_ ," Rose insisted, pushing him towards his bed. He fell upon it, staring up at the ceiling.

" _Don't be nervous – I know what I'm doing," Scorpius' voice said gently near his ear. Their hips ground together. Their hearts beat as one. Their bodies were synchronous and so close…._

"Tell me what's going on. Tell me…why you're so…. Lost."

"I'm okay, it's okay. I will be okay with this life. I will be okay without him."

"Okay without who?!"

_The kiss was crushing Albus' lungs. Taking his breath away. But he loved it. There was nothing he'd rather be doing in the world. "Just…. Just stop being so damn lovable…."_

"I don't know what to do! He keeps mumbling things that don't make sense. I just want to make sure he's okay…. But I don't know what to do."

"It's okay. Go back to lunch and I'll…. I'll take care of Albus."

The door closed with a sharp snap that jerked Albus into an upright position. He stared at his dad, the man's arms crossed as he settled against the door. It wasn't like he looked disappointed, more like…concerned. "Albus Severus Potter…what is wrong with you?"

"Where were you, Dad?" Albus asked, unable to focus on himself. If he looked inside to see what exactly was wrong, it wouldn't end well. It was better to focus on someone else's problems.

Sighing, Harry crossed the room sit beside his son on the bed. He ran his fingers through the dark mess of hair and tried to get their matching eyes to meet. "Uncle Charlie and I…. We were talking, Al. But that doesn't matter. What matters is you. You seem to be falling apart, Albus. Everyone's worried about you. Everyone _loves_ you. They just want you to be okay…. So, talk to me."

As much as Albus wanted to, he just couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. It would feel better to own up to it – all of it. But he just couldn't. It was a secret. Scorpius was a secret. Just because that was over…. It didn't change anything. "I can't," he said softly and let his head fall into his hands. The tears started again. Had they ever stopped? "I'm okay. Really, everything is okay. I'm _okay_."

The grip in Al's hair got tighter. Harry tried harder to get his son to look at him. "Hey, this is not normal behavior. You _need_ to talk about it. Let it out. Just… _please_." He smiled, trying to be encouraging, but it was lacking hope.

"I can't!" Forcefully, Albus pushed his father away. He stood up quickly and began to pace back and forth across the room. "I can't and it _kills_ me!" He scratched harder at his arms, needing to feel pain in a physical sense. It was hurting so much inside, but he couldn't see that. It was hard to believe how bad it was when he couldn't see it. "I want to _die_ , Dad, it hurts that bad!"

It was the first time Albus had admitted it. But now that it had been said…he couldn't deny how right the feeling felt. Biting his lip, he nodded and settled against a bookshelf. A few things fell against his head, but he was completely oblivious to it. "I want to die…," he whispered softly and stared at the floor.

"You need help, Albus." Harry's voice was shaky and scared. He followed his son and pulled the boy into his arms, despite the fight he put up. "You need…more help than I can give you. Can you keep things together for the rest of the day?"

Slowly, Albus shook his head back and forth. It was hardly into the day and he was already falling apart. He couldn't last. He was crazy. He was…. This couldn't work for the rest of the day.

He needed help.

"Okay." Kissing the top of Al's head, Harry nodded and pulled away. "Stay _right here_. I'll be back, okay? Just…pack a few things. We'll take care of you. We'll find someone who can get you the help you need. We'll fix…whatever this is." He smiled encouragingly and opened the door, Charlie immediately coming to his side.

Albus watched them for a second, the subtle touch his uncle gave to his father's arm, the clear worry, the intense attachment clearly between them. Even his father was finding someone who was perfect for him…. So, Albus truly was the opposite of normal. He was the mess he thought he was. Everyone around him was finding love and he…was clinging to a man who was…killing him….


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't expected to have the next one up this quick! Another from Scor's POV, because his feelings needed resolving. Please enjoy!! And remember that I love comments. Those who have been giving them lately have been soooo amazing! I take them all in stride and just GRIN upon reading them. You guys are amazing! Love you all!!

Christmas holidays had been all about thinking for Scorpius. Well…most of it. After the incident with Aubadon (which he one hundred percent wished he could take back), he had tried to fully understand himself. Who he was. What he wanted. Where he wanted his life to go in the future – both immediate and far off. And he had actually come up with answers he resolved to follow.

His New Year's resolution, in fact, had been to tell people the truth. And he had started that by sitting his parents down for a dessert talk the night before coming back to Hogwarts.

He had put everything out on the table. Starting with his feelings for Albus and that he was ready to stop hiding them. They had been tearing him apart, but he was ready to acknowledge that they were there. That he was okay feeling them because he was a _normal_ teenage boy! So what if he wasn't exactly the person he was supposed to be? The person he had been 'raised' to be? He was realizing that he just wasn't the perfect Malfoy man with detachable feelings.

It wasn't exactly surprising that Scorpius' mother had been nothing but supportive. She smiled, hugged him, told him there was nothing to be ashamed of. Love was love and he couldn't help that. She was just proud that he was embracing who he was. That he was trying to live his own life.

His father was a different story. Draco didn't come right out and say that he was angry. He asked questions – how did you meet the boy? Who was he? How did he know it wasn't just a phase? Could he be certain that he really was gay? Did he know that this kind of information could shed more negative light upon them? Was there not a better, more blood-worthy candidate for his heart that he could focus on?

Scorpius had been expecting these types of questions. He knew that his father wasn't the most accepting person in the world. This didn't meant that they didn't sting, however. It hurt to have to answer such things and defend just what he was feeling. It helped to have his mother on his side. She was a wonderful help. But it was still going to take some time for all of them to be on the same page.

The next step on the truth path was going to be ten times harder than what he had already gone through with his parents. This next step was to talk to Albus. To get out his feelings to him directly. To help him see just what he had gone through to come to this decision to give up all he had ever known in order to be with him.

Finding Albus, though, was proving to be quite a difficult process. And he most certainly wasn't answering back in their journals. The train ride had been absolute torture, as had dinner that night. And now he could literally feel himself perspiring.

Which was why he nearly pounced upon Louis when he entered their dormitory that night. Every other Slytherin boy in their year was already asleep by the time that happened. Scorpius did his best to be quiet and considerate, but he just couldn't help the loud pounding his feet made upon the concrete floor.

"Where have you _been_?"

Louis took one look at his friend's wide eyes and the frizz of his curls before sighing and turning towards his bed. He dropped his backpack heavily on the mattress before stripping out of his robe. "Talking with Rose. Please just…. I'm exhausted. I need to go to bed."

Shrugging, Scorpius followed his friend. In his hand he was clutching his journal like it gave him courage. "Louis…. Look, I tried to find Albus on the train today," he whispered, ducking in close. "I walked past your compartment like ten times. He wasn't in there…. And he's not answering my letters. I know, I'm an asshole and fucked things up. But…I just need to talk to him. Help me?"

The desperation in the blonde's voice was unnatural. It wasn't normal for the boy. Louis looked up at him and frowned deeply. "Help you find Albus?" He scoffed and undressed down to his boxers before slipping into his four-poster. "Albus isn't here, okay? So just…please forget about him."

Nothing about what Louis was saying made any sense at all. Scorpius followed the boy, sitting on the edge of his bed and pulling the curtains closed around them. "What do you mean he isn't here…?" he asked cautiously. "He _has_ to be here."

"Rose and I tonight were talking about Albus. Frank, Lily, Hugo, Molly…. They were all there." Louis turned away from his friend and curled up under the blankets. "We were all just…trying to understand Albus. He freaked out over Christmas, okay? I wasn't there…. I don't know what happened. But he did freak out. And now…he isn't coming back to school," he explained. "He's not doing well."

There was a loud roaring in Scorpius' ears. He couldn't hear anything but the boy saying that Al wasn't coming back to school. That he wasn't doing well. The lump in his throat was constricting any response he may have had. It hurt. He hurt. And he had hurt Albus. That was the only explanation. It was the only thing that could have made that boy freak out. He had broken up with him and that had hurt him.

"When _is_ he coming back, then?" he asked, his voice shaky. He moved to lie down next to Louis, staring up at the top of the drapery.

"He's not. At all," Louis said on a sigh and buried his head in his pillow. Showing a bit of uncommon vulnerability. "Apparently Uncle Harry had to take Albus to St. Mungo's before they'd even opened presents." Something seemed broken about the way he spoke. Like it was an issue that plagued the entire family.

If all of the students in the family were gathered, though, to speak about it…it must have been.

Strangely enough, Scorpius could feel tears in his throat. He curled into Louis, pulling him close. "So he _really_ is messed up. If he's hospitalized…." He clutched the journal to his chest and closed his eyes. "And it's all my fault…."

"No one knows that," Louis said quickly, turning around to face the blonde. He kept his eyes closed, but curled into the other's chest. Like he was a little kitten seeking warmth. "You can't tell anyone that."

Scorpius sputtered a laugh at the irony of it all. He was ready to be open with everyone. To show the world that he was head-over-heels in love with Albus Potter and yet…. He was being silenced. Because of Albus, really. Because he had freaked out. But only because Scorpius had put him on the downward spiral.

He ran a few fingers over the strawberry blonde's hair. Swallowing hard his tears and pushing back away from Louis just slightly. Just enough to look down at him. "I screwed up royally, didn't I?" he asked quietly. "Merlin…I hope he's alright…."

"Everyone hopes he's alright." Louis sighed heavily and opened his eyes. For a moment, he just searched through Scorpius' silver ones. Looking for some sort of answer to a question he wasn't altogether sure on. "Albus just needs…guidance in his life. A direction for his wayward emotions. This…. This will help him…."

Louis was the best friend Scorpius could have ever wanted. Realized or not. He smiled, loving the sound of those words. The reassurance they brought him. The warmth in his heart. Out of reflex and a need for something comforting, he made a choice. He did a dumb thing and he tried to close the gap between them. Pressed their lips together, loving how familiar they felt in comparison to his cousin's. The shape and softness. Though Louis tasted like cologne smelt, but Albus…he has more of a natural toffee flavor to his tongue.

The kiss wasn't perfect. It wasn't anything even special. But when Louis pulled out to break into a fit of giggles, Scorpius was slightly shocked. He stared at the boy, confused for a moment. Then bolted out of the bed and placed his hand over his lips. "Fuck," he swore, holding his head as it began to spin. That was stupid! It was desperate and just…dumb!

"Good Lord, Scor!" Before Scorpius could run off in humiliation, Louis pulled him back into the bed. For a moment, Scorpius was scared of any reaction that could come of this. A hex or a deeper kiss that could lead to more things he could regret. He winced in preparation, putting his arms up to shield himself as he hit the mattress and rolled into a sitting position.

But that didn't come. Neither reaction came. Louis just kept laughing and latched onto Scorpius' neck in order to pull him into a tight hug that shook them both. "One," the boy burbled into his the other's curls. "I just told you that my cousin – the boy you are absolutely destined to be with on a level close to Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater – had a mental breakdown over the happiest holiday of the year. And then you kissed me. The dramatic reactions need to stop. Though they are quite amusing…." He pulled back to wink, then held up two fingers. "Number _two_ , I thought you had figured this out by now, but apparently not. Uh, I'm asexual, Scor. That kiss was quite…dead…. That's why I'm laughing. Interesting, though!

"I know I always say that I don't need friends, but…that's all that I ever want this to be, okay? I'm sure you need me more as a friend than a side-piece anyway…."

It was true. Scorpius didn't even want a relationship like that with Louis. Louis was…a good friend. A great friend. He had hesitated to refer to him in such a way before, but now…. After Aubadon, he sure could use one. Someone he could talk open-endedly with. Someone who was there for him. Like now. And someone who would tell him when he was being absolutely ridiculous. Also like now.

"You are...one hundred percent correct, Louis. I'm an idiot, and you apparently don't have a dick that works." Scorpius grinned and flopped back against the pillows again. "Thanks. You are…the best friend I have ever had."

Louis sighed heavily and remained sitting up. He shook his head down at his friend, then leaned against one of the posters at the bed's feet. "My cock works wonderfully, just so you know," he reassured Scorpius. His tone was somber and completely serious. Begging for just a moment of understanding. "I just happen not to find either gender particularly inviting in a sexual way. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. Just as there's nothing wrong with you for being gay. Same deal." He smiled tightly at the end, as if discovering this had hurt him in a way Scorpius could actually understand.

"I get it," Scorpius said gently. Then cleared his throat in the manliest way and slipped his feet through the closed curtains. "I should get some sleep. So should you."

"Why, exactly?"

"We're writing a letter to Albus tomorrow." Scorpius smiled hopefully and leaned in to kiss Louis very platonically on the cheek. "Or, you are. Plus…first day back and all."

Louis nodded, understanding completely and shooed his friend off.

Both boys curled up in their beds that night. They sought warmth in their own close skin, trying to understand the information they had both been given. This wasn't just teenage love stuff anymore. It wasn't unrequited and desperate love mixed with hapless sexual encounters. Things were real. They were adult. Albus being in such a state changed their perspectives. It made things seem harder than they were.

But both boys were also somehow optimistic that things could turn out okay. Albus just needed a little help. A little support. And they could definitely provide that if Al let them close enough.

~*~

"We have to tell someone."

For the fifth time that evening, Louis sighed at the possibility that Scorpius kept raising. The boys sat in the library, Louis working on the letter to Albus and Scorpius ensuring the future of his Potion's project.

"Look, I know you don't want to, but… _I_ do."

"And what if that's not what Albus wants?" Louis asked, setting his quill down and raising is hands and brows in question. "Huh? What if he isn't saying you're the reason for his breakdown? What if you'd just be harming him by telling everyone?"

Scorpius sighed and shrugged, sprinkling a few red specks into the cauldron. "Maybe the truth could help him? He could see that his friends could actually be supportive. They could tell him that if he could get through this, things could be fine. That I'm here for him and that's all that should matter in the end. I'm sure he doesn't want to see me, but if he hears it from their mouths…."

All Louis could do was shake his head in response. He picked the quill back up and began to write slowly again. "It's a bad idea, Scor. Let Albus reveal the details in his _own_ time. Let him heal in his own time. This letter to him is fine. He can read it and make decisions for himself. But outing a relationship he might not be comfortable with the entire school knowing…. That's a bad idea."

Of course this was every bit the truth. Scorpius wouldn't want to hurt Albus even more. But…he just….

"What if we just told one person? Got _one person_ to see my side of the story?" This time Louis didn't even come back with a response. All he did was roll his eyes and throw a crumpled piece of paper at his friend. Laughing softly, Scorpius tossed it back at him. "No need to throw things."

"It wasn't me…?" Louis said uncertainly, looking up and around. Standing just at the edge of the bookshelves that hid them was a boy. Both Slytherins lost their grins and immediately turned absolutely serious. They looked at one another, then at the piece of paper balled into Louis' hand.

The boy was a Gryffindor of slightly stocky build. He was a Beater on his house Quidditch team, after all. He had pale skin that was slightly reddened in the apples of his cheeks. His hair was a light brown that could be described as mousy in color and his eyes were definitely more hesitant than kind. Though right now they seemed incredibly angered. Overall, he wasn't an attractive boy. But he was slightly intimidating with that glare.

Softly, as if not to startle the other, Louis stood from the table and walked over to the boy. "Frankie…," he said with a laugh. He searched his eyes the closer he got, trying to figure out how much he had heard. This might not be the right person to hear what they'd been speaking about…. "What do you need, man?"

The entire time, Frank never removed his eyes from Scorpius. He kept them narrowed and his arms crossed over his chest. In this position, his muscled looked quite prominent. No doubt he wanted to remind both boys of the advantage he had over them. "I know," was all he said, strolling more into their tucked away alcove. He even took a seat to the left of Scorpius.

In this proximity, Scorpius swore he could feel the angered heat coming off of the Gryffindor. He meant absolutely no kind words to be said in this exchange. And he seemed to be happy to give someone a beating tonight.

Taking in a deep, steadying breath, Scorpius straightened his back. He pushed the salve away and looked the boy in the eye. Showing him that he wasn't scared. He was a proud Malfoy peacock. He could deal with whatever was dished out towards him. "You know about what?" he hissed.

Frank raised his hand then. It almost looked like he was readying to punch someone – most likely Scorpius. But in the end, he held the hand out towards Louis as the boy sat down. Slowly the balled up piece of paper was handed to him and he settled both of his hands over it upon the table. "You know exactly what I know. Louis knows, too. We're the only ones in the school who seem to know this little piece of knowledge. And now it seems like you want just about everyone else to know, as well."

"That's a little too many uses of the word 'know', Frank," Louis laughed, looking down at the boy's hands. He was a family friend, but that extended more towards the parents of his cousins. To Uncle Harry and Ron's children. They had known his father fairly well when they were in school. And he knew of the boy's father, as well. He was a teacher at the school, after all. But other than that…. He didn't know too much about Frank Longbottom. Scorpius didn't either. Neither knew what he was capable of or how deep his Gryffindor blood actually ran.

And that might have been the most frightening part.

"Shut up, Louis. This isn't between you and I. You might as well scamper off."

Scorpius sighed heavily, having had enough of this intimidation shit. He settled back in his chair, stretching out his spine and acting absolutely unbothered. "What the _hell_ do you want, Longbottom? It's near library closing time and I would like to retire to bed."

His jaw squaring, Frank lifted one of his hands and used the other to slide the ball of paper towards the Slytherin boy. His lip was curled in absolute disgust. "I found this about a month ago. Month and a half, maybe. Before Albus locked himself in our dormitory. But after he started to act like a freak. Did you know he was attacking people – mostly me – out of fucking nowhere? And he was shutting down? And he was worrying all the time and…. Did you know you were tearing him apart?"

With a wince at the accusations, Scorpius reached for the piece of paper. Instantly, as he began to uncurl it, he recognized the parchment. It had been a page in one of their journals. A private two-way journal meant only for him. How did this _swine_ find it?

He held off on making any rash decisions. The curiosity over what this could have said was a mystery. He expected it to be something he had written. Something detailing their sexual exploits. Something that would give him away. But that's not what it was at all. It was something written by Albus' hand, instead. Something…he'd never seen before….

The words jumped off the page like lightning, striking Scorpius right in the chest. It was a declaration of love. He'd told the boy not to write him love letters and here this one was…. But it was also filled with so much turmoil. And Scorpius knew he deserved every last word that as written on there. Every assumption over who he was and what he wanted.

He had wanted only to fuck Albus. To use him and manipulate him. He'd never intended to fall in love. And if he had seen this before he'd truly realized anything, he would have been furious. But now…. He had to wipe tears from his eyes as he opened his mouth to ask on a whisper, "Where did you find this?"

The emotion didn't faze Frank. His anger didn't waver. He hit his palm harshly upon the table, standing and getting in Scorpius' face to hiss, "I found it on the floor of the dormitory. Albus had started acting weird, and this solved why. Because of _you_. I don't know what you did that was so bad to land him in hospital, but…it was obviously you. Did you…hit him? Rape him? Cheat on him?" He spat directly into Scorpius' face, grinning in satisfaction. "Or all of the above?"

These insults – they just didn't matter anymore. Scorpius had a written, sad declaration of love from the boy he wished so badly he could hold. He bit his lip, wincing at the taste of someone else's spit upon it. Slowly, he ran a sleeve of his robe over his face and dried his skin. "I broke his heart, Longbottom. You've figured it out. It was me. Now run and tell everyone so they can hate me, too." He carefully folded the piece of paper into a small square and slipped it into his pocket before standing up. The smile he gave the other boy was sick and twisted, but it was genuine. It contained happiness. "But know this, I love your friend more than anything in the world. If I had a chance to fix this…I would jump at it no matter what. So maybe consider that before ruining his life for him."

As Scorpius left, he was confident Frank wouldn't say a word. The fact that he didn't follow after the Slytherin or yell an obscenity his way was proof of that. He cared too much for Albus. Louis was right. It wasn't fair to give this secret away without permission. That was all up to his love. If he wanted people to know, he would tell them. And until then…he just had to wait….


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're switching back to Albus' point of view. At least for this chapter. It's a bit touch-and-go from here. I have a vague idea of the direction, but the muse for point of view comes at random. Please enjoy and keep commenting! The ones I've been getting steadily are amazing! They make me feel so good and make me want to write more! I love you guys!!

Everything was cold. That's all Albus had allowed himself to realize thus far. The floor chilled his bare feet, which seeped up into his bones. The air had to have been chilled with fans in the ceiling tiles or something. Food was never hotter than room temperature. And nearly everything was made of metal – the beds, chairs, tables, the one cabinet he had in his room that had to hold everything of his.

Not that he had brought all that much with him. In his daze at Christmas, he hadn't packed much. He hadn't known how long he would be gone. So how was he supposed to know how much he needed to bring with? All he had brought was a small backpack filled with mostly underwear, socks, and lazy clothing. There was only one pair of blue jeans and one button-down shirt, but he hadn't really felt like wearing them, anyway.

Albus hadn't felt like doing anything that wasn't comfortable. That included hardly leaving the room he had been assigned at St. Mungo's, eating only enough to keep his stomach from eating away at itself, and only wearing clothing made from soft, stretchable material. It was like carrying a bed with him everywhere he went. Not that he went anywhere….

Albus had been here for two weeks and nothing had changed. He hadn't changed. The Counseling Healers had been great – they tried to get him multiple times a day to leave his room. But after he had checked himself in to this place, he had been told that no one would force him to do anything. That being here of his own free will meant that he was ultimately in charge of his own recovery. If all he wanted to do was sleep in his cold room in his cold bed with his cold sheets and eat barely any cold food, he was free to waste his time and his parents' money as he wished.

The only blessing about this situation was the fact that Albus was alone. He'd had time to lie down and comprehend his situation. To understand why he had gone off at Christmas and what his feelings were. To sort through his problems in the silence of his own head. There was definitely no absence of silence…. Every patient had their own room with soundproof charms on the walls. Inside of his room, he had only his thoughts.

And his loneliness….

Having someone by Albus' side was his coping mechanism. Having someone there to distract him from his own mind was what he _needed_. So lying in a room with only his thoughts…. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.

"Hello, Albus."

Sighing, Al turned towards the door and stared at the woman waiting there. She had a kind face and a voice that sound like warm honey. Every day, the same Healer came in to check on him, and she always looked hopeful. Today that hopefulness might actually pay off.

"Do you feel like coming to group after breakfast this morning?" she asked, tapping her fingernails on the hollow metal door. "You received a letter, but…you can only read it at the session."

Another one of St. Mungo Psychiatrics' rules to better their patients. All correspondences to patients must be read in group therapy. Apparently reading them aloud with an audience helps to work through complicated emotions. And patients are able to receive feedback to help them deal with how to respond.

Slowly, Albus pulled himself up out of his bed. A shiver ran down his spine as his bare feet connected with the floor. The thought sunk in very cautiously that someone had written to him. Someone…wanted to contact him. And he honestly had no idea who it could have been. The obvious answer was his parents. Then again…they had said they wanted him to make the first move. They wanted him to work through getting better and speak to them on his own time.

When he was ready.

It could have very well been another family member, though. No one knew what he was going through. No one really knew all the details of what happened. He hadn't told a single person why he had flipped. There hadn't been the chance, really. But…he still wasn't sure if that was information he wanted to share, either.

Thinking about it now, just the thought of one day telling someone, caused Albus' heart rate to climb.

"I... I think I will…." Albus tried for a smile, but failed miserably. He wasn't used to using emotions as of late. And this one was a bit strenuous. He didn't feel happy and it was getting difficult to fake it.

"Wonderful!" The Healer smiled back, a genuine one, and nodded. She seemed excited by the prospect. "Just stay in the dining hall after you're finished eating. And try to interact! It'll make your entire recovery process that much easier. Okay?"

Not wanting to be lonely and actually desiring to communicate to strangers were two completely separate ideas. And the latter seemed like an overwhelming prospect. He didn't want to be in this room all by himself for another day. But…he certainly didn't want to talk and share his situation with others who might not be as fucked up as he was.

Albus watched the Healer leave with a hesitant desire to follow. And very slowly, he made steps to leave the room. His feet made soft slaps on the floor and he hadn't bothered to change into something more presentable than the pair of sweats and the oversized shirt he'd slept in. After he'd left his room, he took the mechanical path to the dining hall. He had to go through the corridor with the rest of the patients' rooms, pass through the lift that led down to this basement floor, then take a right at the Healer station/check-in desk, then continue down to the door at the end.

The dining hall was nothing like the Great Hall at Hogwarts. There was no sign of magically appearing food and the room only contained one table. It wasn't even close to being as long as one back at school, and there were chairs around it instead of two benches. The room wasn't all that big. It seemed like it could fit perfectly into a rather large house. Like Scorpius' house….

With a wince, Albus took a seat at the furthest corner of the room. He was the first one to arrive, seated just before the staff brought in the food. He used the excuse of piling food onto his plate as a distraction from having to look at anyone. Other people were starting to trickle in, as well, but they all remained quite silent. Thankfully.

In his entire time here, not a single patient had tried to speak to Albus. He was absolutely grateful for this, but he was sure the reason for this fell on himself. He didn't exactly put off friendly vibes. And…he wasn't exactly attractive, as of late. His hair was even messier than usual (which was really saying something) and he probably smelt a little bit. When was the last time he had even bathed…?

As the room filled, idle chatter started to burble around Al. He kept his head down, eyes firmly on the scrambled eggs taking up a good half of his plate. All he wanted was to keep to himself. To get through this meal and then…get through group therapy.

To start his path to treatment. He was fairly sure that was what he wanted.

"You must like eggs…."

Albus jumped at the voice and the proximity of it. He barely looked up to see that someone had taken the chair next to his. And they were currently talking to him, as there was no one else close enough. He sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair in order to try and fix it up even just a little bit.

It was then that he snuck the full peek. The someone next to him was extremely male. The beard was kind of a dead giveaway. Not that it was a giant, scruffy beard or anything…. Just a little bit of unsculpted, time-spent-in-the-hospital blonde scruff. In the back of his mind, Al made note that Scorpius would look gorgeous with facial hair just like that. But he quickly shook off the thought and continued to try and see who was actually in front of him currently.

This man, because he had to be at least twenty-something, had a cute, scruffy beard. His hair was blonde, just like his facial hair. It was wispy and wavy and was kind of styled in a careless yet still stylish way. His eyes were the type of blue that could only be described as akin to the surface of the ocean. Light blue with soft specks of darkness shot throughout. Overall, he could easily be described with his trim and fit body as attractive. And Albus was fairly sure he wasn't ready for that yet….

"I suppose I like them well enough…?" he said, sort of snotty, down towards his plate again. He made certain to end his response with a question. Trying to make it clear that he wasn't interested in speaking to this man. He needed to be left alone. He needed not to look at this man and see that he was gorgeous. Or compare him to Scorpius. The fact that they were both blonde was tipping his world a little bit. Causing his mind to race.

The man laughed and there was no denying that it was kind of an affective sound. Albus held back a small smile by trying to ruffle his hair back into his face. Trying to hide himself away. "Someone's a bit hostile. Is that why you're in here? Because you can't speak to people like a normal person?"

The question made Albus long for his room. He assessed how much he'd eaten and looked towards the door. Planning an escape. Maybe this wouldn't work out today. Maybe he just wasn't ready for human interaction. It was better to play it safe….

He started to stand up, taking on more look at his half-eaten plate. But something held him back. Looking down at his arm, pale from the lack of sunlight, he saw a slightly tanner hand upon him. He sighed heavily and looked at the man holding him there before plopping back down in his chair. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't touch me…."

_Because touching leads to feelings…._

Giving quite a perfect and winning smile, the man slowly released his hand and sat back in his chair. "That's it, then, isn't it? Not the…talking to people thing. But issues with touching?"

"I have no idea why you care. And I really don't want to know, either. It's none of your business why I'm in this sorry excuse for a mental hospital. And I don't care why you're here, either!" Albus took his plate and shifted over a seat. He was now away from the other, but still not sitting to anyone else. Building a bubble up around himself.

"I care because you look like you need a friend." Of course the man followed Albus by hopping over a seat, as well. And he kept his bright, happy-go-lucky smile the entire time. "Everyone deserves to have at least one friend to get them through this place. And…I don't have one yet, either." He winked, sealing the whole cute factor he had going on.

And of course Albus was melting for it. He swallowed hard, looking down while biting his lip. Then glanced back over at the man, trying to find a more analytical approach to his situation. Trying to look at the other like a person, not an attractive distraction. He started by looking down at the other's plate. Taking note of what he felt was edible in this place.

Apparently nothing was, however, because his plate was completely empty. Frowning, he looked back up at the man. "You're not eating."

"Not hungry."

The man didn't shut down. He didn't back off. He just…winced a small smile and shrugged. Looked at Al's plate longingly. Then sat back in his chair and stretched his back. Casual. Still friendly. And yet telling in much the same way as a shout. Albus nodded knowingly and poked his fork into his eggs, taking a small bite.

Much to Albus' comfort, the rest of breakfast actually passed in silence. A type of silence that included being close to someone. The type that actually helped to heal his soul. He hated to be alone, which was why he had never liked to go anywhere without someone at his side at school. And now it seemed like the same approach just might work here.

"Time to clear plates, guys!" The same Healer that came around Albus' room every day stood in the doorway of the room. She smiled at the maybe ten people in the room and waved to the bus tray that stood near the door, as well. "And then retake your seats. Looks like we should have one-hundred-percent participation today!"

The buzz in the room took on a slightly dutiful air. Everyone stood in unison and took their plates to the tubs. Quick to fit in, Albus followed suit. And then he settled right back into his chair with the man that hadn't even bothered to move, since he'd had no food to clear, anyway.

Everyone seemed to know the drill by now, which meant he must have been 'the new person'. They all sat in their chairs, watching the Counseling Healer close the door and sit in a middle position at the table. She held a stack of rather thick folders, all labeled with names, it seemed. Albus surveyed this curiously, taking advantage of the fact that he was practically sitting in front of her.

"It's just information on our 'treatments'," the man next to him explained, holding his hand out to the woman. "Plus they contain our daily journals and the correspondences we receive."

Albus' head whipped around to look back at the folders the instant the Healer began to hand them out. He had a letter. That meant that in his folder…there was that letter. And that he could read it if he held it. He bit his lip, watching the man receive his. And then there was a thinner folder between his fingers. And he felt like his world was spinning.

His breath started to come in erratic bursts. All he could think about was the possibility of who could have written to him. His mind raced over all of the people that might want to talk to him. And each one made his panic worse and worse. His heart was going a million miles a minute, making him feel like he was about to explode. And the folder in his hands was shaky before his eyes.

"Albus, you're shaking," the Healer said softly, standing to lean over the table and gently grip his hands. "Take deep breaths, okay? The first session is often the hardest."

Very much wanting to bolt out of the room, Albus tried to do as he was guided. He took in a deep breath through his nose, holding it until his lungs felt they would burst. And then he let it out in a rush, closing his eyes as he did. He couldn't really deny that it felt better, so he did it a few more times. Each time made him feel exposed, but in a good way. Like he was letting it all go. Breaking those barriers down bit by bit.

"There you go!" She smiled brightly, then sat back down. Al opened his eyes to watch her, focusing on anything except for the folder for the moment. Not sure he was ready to face it again. "Okay, everyone, this is Albus. As I'm sure a couple of you have noticed, Albus has been here a couple of weeks already. But he is our newest edition to group! So let's applaud his bravery and will to help himself."

The room erupted into mostly tentative claps, except for the man next to Al. His hands flew wildly and loudly together as he grinned at his neighbor. Albus shifted uncomfortably at the attention and forced a tiny smile.

"Alright, settle down," the Healer laughed and gave the man a slightly chastising look. "Albus, you can call me Miss O. My last name is too complicated to force you to pronounce it." She started to point to people around the room, giving nine names before she reached the last person. "And your enthusiastic clapper," she said, pointing to the man at Al's side, "is Devan."

Albus nodded slowly and tried to fix his wayward clothes in order to be okay with all of the attention currently on him. "Okay," he whispered. "Uh…hi…."

"Here's the basic rundown, okay?" Miss O gestured around the room. "This is your safe place. This is group therapy. It is the most important part to your recovery. There is always the option for you to have one-on-one sessions with a Counseling Healer. But we hope that you will make this your focus.

"During these sessions, we focus on one emotion or question at a time. Everyone goes around the table and shares their feelings. It's still not mandatory, but we do appreciate it when patients participate. It helps everyone, really. After that, we read letters and responses to letters. Then a break for lunch, and afterwards is the time for socializing. Games and such. Lastly, before dinner, we journal. If you don't think you're up for all of that, feel free to leave before we start. How does that sound?"

There was no denying how scary all of that sounded. Albus worried at his lip, scratched at his arm. Irritating the already chapped skin. But the thought of going back to his room and lying there alone for the next two weeks…. He looked to his side at the man, Devan, and thought hard. Did he really want to sit here next to this gorgeous man and sob about his disgusting love life…?

Unfortunately, the desperate part of Albus clung to the part of himself that screamed that Devan was good-looking. He smiled softly at the man and ruffled with his hair again before nodding. "I'll stay…." Maybe all he needed for recovery was to find something else to focus on. Some _one_ else. Scorpius had messed him up. Maybe he just needed…a real and sane and normal relationship. Maybe he should try…for that….

"Excellent!" Miss O shuffled a few things around in front of her before looking up with an encouraging grin. "Then let's get to it! Our topic today is what we're afraid of. I know it's a bit broad, but it gives everyone a chance to open up a bit." She looked around the room, assessing the atmosphere. "So, who would like to start? Any answer will do!"

All that Albus had focused on this entire time was the Healer and Devan. But as the silence stretched a bit, he decided to take stop of his situation. He didn't know how long he would be here, so he might have to get used to the people he would be around.

The room was full of mostly girls. Most of them looked pretty normal. They didn't even look crazy. Then again…did he look crazy? There was on girl right by Miss O's side who had frizzy hair that stuck up in all directions. Her eyes didn't stay on one spot in the room for more than a few seconds and she kept muttering things to herself. Other than that, the only other male in the room besides him and Devan, was curled up in a chair with bandages all up his arms. And that was the extent of the wild and craziness he had been expecting. The mental ward was actually quite barren and tame in comparison to Albus' nightmares.

"I'll speak first!" Devan piped up at Al's side after a few minutes of everyone staring at the table. Miss O smiled and motioned for him to begin while pulling a paper close like she was going to take notes. "My fears…." He settled back in his chair, crossing his arms and defining his lean body even further. Making certain that Albus was just going to keep staring at him. "Well…I'm first of all afraid that I will be here forever. I know, I know – I'm allowed to leave whenever I want to. Which is why I've checked in three separate times." He grinned, throwing Al off completely. Like he wasn't even ashamed of his backstory.

"Anyway, I just mean…I'm afraid I'll never be completely good enough to stop having to be here. To stop…having to come back. And I'm afraid I'll never be able to find someone who can help me cope with my issues enough to where I feel secure." He shrugged and started to bounce his leg, like he was slightly nervous. Though his happy composure was quite contrasting. "But, most of all, I'm afraid that eventually this stupid disease of mine will completely take over my life and kill me. Isn't that everyone's fear, though?"

Albus swallowed hard, suddenly able to only look at his hands. That did sound quite familiar. Thinking that being ill was going to kill him. At Christmas he vaguely remembered telling his father over and over again that he wanted to die. Was that a common emotion amongst crazy people?

The bandaged boy in the corner nodded along, as did a few of the girls. It was a bit calming to hear that said and agreed upon. So he found himself opening his mouth and sharing a bit blindly. "I'm afraid that…dying would feel better than I feel now."

All of the other patients definitely agreed with Albus on this point. He blushed upon realizing what he'd said and curled sort of into himself. Why had he said that aloud? Sure, he kind of meant it. He felt pretty fucking low right now, but that didn't mean he _really_ wanted to die, did it? Did Scorpius' blatant rejection and mixed signals really harm him _that_ badly? Was that normal?

If he had been normal, he wouldn't really be here, would he?

"Those are both very valid, very progressive fears," Miss O reassured and smiled around the room. "I wouldn't be surprised if everyone in this room – myself included – felt like this at some point in their life. It's perfectly natural to feel so low that you don't think you have any options. The important thing is, however, to find a way to pick yourself back up. To take your lowest point and make it the _turning_ point."

This sounded like a very valid solution. A solution that, in theory, should work out wonderfully. But theory wasn't real life and it certainly wasn't that easy. Albus wasn't even sure where he would be able to start with something as monumental as that. He was already sweating just thinking about it.

A few others around the room shared other fears. Things that Albus wasn't really able to relate to. Being a Squib, parents that don't care, feeling too fat. The only thing that stuck with him was what Devan had said. It was kind of making it hard to pay attention.

Most of all, past the part about relating to being low, his mind was sort of racing. He was trying to figure out what could have been wrong with Devan. Earlier he had thought that maybe the man had an eating disorder. The in-shape (if a bit thin) figure would explain that. And so would the empty plate. But would late make someone wish they could die? He wasn't all that familiar with such things, but he supposed it was a possibility.

But he just looked so _normal_.

"Has everyone finished sharing, then?" Miss O looked around as everyone went silent again. She looked pleased with what was being said. It could have been misconstrued as a bit creepy or weird, but she seemed to actually have genuine emotions for them. Like she really cared that they were getting better or whatever. "Wonderful! That was brilliant progress for many of you. I'm proud of all of you, especially Albus. First day and already making steps.

"I know a few of you have letters today that you would like to get to. But I think we should give Albus the stage. He's earned it." She gestured towards the folder in front of Al and gave him an encouraging expression. "Your letter is inside of your folder. Still sealed – I promise. And it will only get opened by you when you're ready. And if that's not today, that is completely fine. Everything here gets done on your time."

The best part about being here was the lack of rush. The lack of pressure. It actually was a nice change and truly made Albus feel safe. He stared down at the manila folder, once more raking his nails over his forearms. There was something written in there specifically to him. From someone. Anyone.

It truly could have been anyone. Saying anything.

Very slowly, he reached to open the folder. On top of a few pieces of blank paper sat a still-folded letter addressed to him, just as expected. He took a deep breath before picking it up. Clearing his head. Readying for whatever it might be. Whatever it might say.

As he held the envelope, Albus felt like his vision was swimming. He was all of a sudden extremely warm and there was a voice screaming in his head to just open it already! The only thing holding him back, he was sure, was the fact that there was no name on the front of the envelope. Though when he flipped it over, there certainly was a Hogwarts' official seal holding the envelope closed. Which meant it was someone from the school writing to him….

That could have been…many people. Frankie (maybe a little unlikely, last time they had talked he had been angry), Rose, Hugo, Molly…. Louis, even? Or…. "Scorpius…," he whispered softly, gripping the letter rather tightly.

"What's that?" Miss O asked softly, watching Al. She was studying him, making sure he was indeed okay. That he wasn't going to push himself too far.

"Nothing," Albus said quickly and turned the letter over. He ripped it open much like tearing off a Band-Aid. In the process, he gave himself a paper cut but ignored the small drop of blood. He just wanted to see what it said. Who it was from. If it was from Scorpius…he just wouldn't read it!

A quick survey of the signature line put Albus' fears completely to rest. Where he expected to see a beautiful scrawl of his ex-maybe-boyfriend's name, there was instead a simple signature of the name 'Louis'. Relief flooded through him and he even let out a small laugh. "It's from…my cousin."

Smiling along with him, Miss O took a small note. "Is that not what you were expecting?"

Albus shook his head back and forth and pulled his eyes back up to the top of the page. "I have to read it aloud?" He was given a sign in the affirmative. "Okay…." Taking in slow breaths, he readied himself to read what had been written. Even if it had to do with Scorpius, he was sure he could handle it.

"'Hey there Boy, Interrupted.'" From the start, Al was bubbling with laughter. The connection to his family made him happy. This was just what he needed. "'Just wanted to let you know that everyone here misses you. No surprise, right? You're in a family that is nothing but close-knitted. We all got together the first night back and talked about you. They all were trying to figure out what happened. I, dutifully, kept my mouth shut.

"'But that's not the point of this letter. The point is that Scorpius wanted to tell you something. And he knew you would probably ignore any letter he might have sent you. Don't deny it.

"'All he wants me to say is that he misses you. And he loves you.'" Albus hesitated to say any more. He looked down at the words, hating the way his eyes swelled up with tears instantly. Scorpius still loved him. But all he could think was how it felt to have his heart ripped out. How sick it made him to see that boy…in _that_ position…. "'And he regrets ever deciding to break up with you. I guess he's trying this thing where he tells the truth. He's already come out to his parents and told them about you. That's progress, right? He's dying to tell the whole school, too, but in light of your situation…I convinced him not to. That decision is up to you. When you're ready, you can tell whomever you choose.

"'That's it. I hope you're okay. I hope this helps you. But do let me know if you have decide you want to fly the cuckoo's nest. I'm up for a _Sucker Punch_ style escape any day.

"'Lots of love, Louis'"

By the time he was finished reading, Albus felt like his heart had been ripped out and stomped on. Then stuffed back in his chest and forced to act like everything was okay. His smile was gone and he couldn't even breathe right with the help of Miss O's soft words. She was trying to say he was so brave for reading that out loud. That if he had anything he wanted to share, he had the floor. That he was free to write a response, but had to read it in group before it was allowed to be sent off.

But Albus just…couldn't do this. Any of it. He couldn't talk about what had happened with Scorpius. Especially not to this group or to the cute guy sitting next to him that was so open about his problems it was practically ridiculous. And there was no way he was writing back. He needed to get _over_ Scorpius, so he couldn't give him the impression he wanted to fix things.

Scorpius was a big reason he was here. He was kind of the reason (along with Aubadon) that he had freaked out. He couldn't be allowed to break into this place and bring him down in any way.

Slowly, he slid the letter back into his folder. He didn't want to read it anymore. Not again. The first step to recovery, here, was to cut himself off from what had broken him down. He liked this place so far. He liked Devan so far. And he felt like this could be a good experience for him. That meant actually trying. And from here on, he was definitely going to try.

No more thoughts about Scorpius or his past life. This was a fresh start for Albus.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still loving the amazing comments from all you guys! Please keep them coming because as you can tell they are inspirational! Please enjoy the new chapter of Albus sadness.

For the next few days, Albus attended every single group session. He had been diligent and actively participating. It was important for him, he felt. And he was actually starting to feel better. Every day, the urge to pull his hair out lessened. The desire to die decreased. His need to cause himself to be brain dead was actually quieting. It was like he was waking up from this absolutely manic nightmare and actually starting to realize that his life wasn't that impossible to deal with. That he _could_ get over this one boy in a sea of much better men.

But Al hadn't yet branched out. He was starting to get over Scorpius steadily. And it really was starting to feel amazing! He was starting to feel quite free, actually.

To feel one-hundred-percent better, however, he was sure he needed to take one single step. His recovery depended upon that step. It was important for getting over past heartbreaks. He had just wanted to make sure this was what he really wanted. That he really was ready to get over something he had invested so much of himself in so soon.

By the time he had been at St. Mungo's for three weeks, though, Albus had sold himself completely on his decision. One straight week of therapy and he was more than ready to forget the reason he was here. He would stay for the rest of the recommended time just to ensure he was doing well, but it was time to move on.

"Is this what you usually do before lights out?"

Dinner had ended nearly a half hour ago. In that time, Albus had been wandering the corridors. He had been trying to talk himself up. Psych himself into being ready for this. Well, he was ready. That was for certain. He just…couldn't shake the butterflies. But, eventually, he had to force himself to get over it.

That was what finally brought him to Devan's room. He peeked inside, only allowing his head to be visible for the moment. Just showing off his smile.

Inside the room, Devan was lying in his bed, just staring at the ceiling. He was absolutely unmoving, but his eyes remained open. He didn't even move a single muscle at Al's intrusion. Just gave a simple smile and answered in a soft tone, "Yep, I just lay here and…watch my memories…."

That sounded like a nice concept. Just lying down and recalling life. Albus nodded and stepped further into the room, gently closing the door behind him. He wasn't exactly sure if that was allowed…but for now he didn't care. He was focused. "What memories are you 'watching' tonight?" he asked curiously, coming to the man's bedside. Despite the shake to his hands, he found himself brave enough to take a seat on the edge of the mattress, looking down into the sea-blue eyes in actual adoration.

Through the last week, Devan had been the only person Albus had really talked to. In group, he certainly shared and took the advice Miss O dished out. But outside of that, he mostly kept to himself except for meals. And it was during meals that he and Devan spoke. They didn't ever actually say much, just little things. Nothing about why they had broken down about before getting here. Nothing about family or past lives. Just…simple friendship talk. Feelings and gentle chiding.

But Albus wanted more than that. He _needed_ more than that. Throughout his life, Al had come to accept that he needed someone to lean on consistently in his life. Right now, Devan seemed to be the best option for such a task.

"My ninth birthday – the day I first discovered that I could disappoint my mother by taking after my dad. She hates magic." Devan sighed heavily and closed his eyes for a moment. Then opened them and turned slightly to look at Al. For a moment, his eyes ran over his body. Calculated his body language and the close proximity he had chosen. "The type of memory I'm sure you couldn't relate to, Mister Potter…."

A slight stab to the gut, but Albus could laugh that off. He chuckled softly, wincing a smile, and moved his gaze to the concrete floor. He really couldn't relate to that. Both of his parents were born wizards. Children born into inter-married families probably had it quite a bit harder. "Of course…. You probably know just about everything about me, don't you?"

Devan shook his head slowly before lying back down on his cot-like bed. "I wasn't allowed to share in the luxuries of the Wizarding world. No newspapers or magazines, music, histories, theories…practices, even." He shrugged. "I wasn't allowed to go to Hogwarts, you know. But Professor McGonagall worked it out so I was allowed to learn with my dad. Not that I learned much after the divorce…." He gave a small laugh, catching himself on the ramble. "What I'm trying to say is, I don't know much about the fabulous Potters. I'm sure you appreciate that. You get to teach me about yourself all on your own!"

That certainly did sound…nice. Like a fresh start. With a grin, Albus leaned in closer. "I do like the sound of that," he said quietly and even went so far as to lie down beside the man. It earned him a look of confusion, but he ignored it for the moment. "My whole life, I've had to live up to my family name. But you don't know much about my family name. I can be… _me_ around you. And that sounds refreshing. It sounds…therapeutic…. _You_ sound therapeutic…."

Albus was very aware that he was coming on strong. But he needed this. If he couldn't start something new here, right away, he was fairly sure that he wouldn't be able to move on as well as he needed to. Which was why, before he could change his mind, he swung his leg over Devan's waist and rushed their lips together.

At first, Al's fears solidified in his stomach when Devan didn't kiss back. His absinthe eyes flashed open in humiliation, locking onto the man's crystalline orbs. Trying to understand what was going on. But the instant they locked, something shifted. A bond solidified between the two and all hesitations were forgotten. Devan groaned, reaching up to grip the other's hips in order to pull him closer.

This kiss certainly wasn't anything as passionate as what Albus had become accustomed to. It wasn't full of the desire and complicated feelings. It was just need and comfort. Something that Al knew he needed more than anything in the world right now. He made soft noises of excitement in return, ghosting his fingers over the man's facial hair. It was different in the best way. Something he could definitely get used to in his life. Something mature and hopefully consistent.

Which was why Albus felt he needed to lay down ground rules from the beginning. Licking his lips, Al pulled back from the kiss and just barely gripped into Devan's shirt. He looked straight into the questioning eyes, a small battle waging behind his own. "I don't want to have sex," he said softly.

And relief flowed through his chilled body the instant Devan laughed in response. It wasn't mocking, his expression was too kind for that. Instead, he seemed to think the statement was a bit…silly? "We're just kissing, Albus. I'm not sure why you would bring that up right now…."

Of course that was silly. Just because they were two men (and men were notorious for being heady), didn't mean they _had_ to have sex. That just wasn't an ideal that Al was used to. He smiled slowly, a blush rushing into his cheeks. He was foolish. Wayward. "Right…. I know that. Um…my track record and past prove otherwise, though. I just wanted to make sure you know that…I'm not ready to have sex with you right now. Sex complicates things. Sex is…the reason I'm here…. Sex has left me broken."

Throughout the last week, Albus had come to understand that Scorpius and Aubadon weren't the only reasons he was here. He didn't have a breakdown solely attributed to them. Sex had played a harsh factor in getting him to that point. His downward spiral had begun when he'd first taken a step into that dangerous pool last summer. Since then, he had been lost. And this is where lost had taken him. But he was over that. He realized that he loved feeling happy – not just feeling satisfied.

He would have loved right now to have Devan take him in their messy situation. Messy seemed to be something that thrived well when mixed with his sex drive. But that didn't mean it was good for him. If he wanted something to work in his life for once, he needed to take things slow. To actually do a normal relationship. (Not that this could be classified as normality….) That next step needed to wait. The first one was to find someone who wanted him for who he was as a person. Broken mess and all.

"You could be good for me, Devan. I can see it in my future." Albus leaned in to try another small, testing kiss. It still felt right and confirmed all that he had been hoping for. "And I think I could be good for you, too. I think I could be the one to keep you from ever having to come back to this place again."

Now that may have been a bit too hopeful. That statement and wish was something Albus had been debating over the most. He liked Devan. The guy was sweet and took an interest in him. What wasn't to love about that? But planning out a life for the both of them together seemed quite optimistic. They hadn't known one another long enough for that to be sane.

Then again...they were in a mental ward.

It was a few minutes before any sort of answer came about. Al could see the hesitation and arguments in Devan's eyes in the silence. There was a clear desire there that said he wanted this. This was something that couldn't be denied. But he seemed to have a better conscience and rational side to him. He was older _and_ wiser.

"You don't even know me," he said finally, reaching up to run his fingers through Al's actually recently washed hair. He'd been showering and taking care of his appearance lately. Mostly to impress this man. "You don't know...anything about me. You have no idea what even keeps me coming back to this place. How can you think you could be the one to save me from it?"

Albus merely shrugged and slid off the man. He didn't leave him, though. Instead, he scooted up to him, pressing their forms close together. Slipping his hand into Devan's. Linking them with a hopeful grin. "I know enough, Dev. I know I like you. I know my heart thinks I could love you. And...I know that we're both slightly broken. That could make us perfect for one another. The rest you can tell me. You could even tell me now! I'm ready to listen."

It was fast and it was rough. There was nothing romantic or sweet about this thing budding between them. In fact, it actually reeked of desperation. And somehow that felt absolutely right to Albus.

Devan would just take some convincing. The man sighed, scratching at his beard almost in thought. The sound of it sent chills down Al's back and caused him to snuggle closer. He was just so different... "Before me have that talk," he said hesitantly, his voice dark and full of baggage, "there's something you need to do."

"Anything..."

"I think you should figure out what exactly is wrong with you."

Albus held back a gasp. It felt like he'd been dunked into an ice bath and told to breathe. But all he could do was gasp for air. "I... I-I already, uh, already know...what's wr-wrong with me... It's _him_. I know that!"

Very gently, Devan let go of Al's hand and used his to card through the boy's hair. His fingers stopped at the nape of his neck, then caressed up to his jawline. He tilted his face up, forcing them to meet eyes. And once that did, he had Al's full attention and devotion. "I know you think that's it, but it's not. That guy in your letter...he could just be one part of the whole picture. And you need to figure out what that means. Getting a name to your struggle... It's like having the world taken off your shoulders.

"I want us to be able to share our problems by name. I want us to be able to call them out before we work to cast them away together. Okay?" Unable to help himself, Devan leaned in to give a slightly probing kiss. "So...tomorrow you need to tell Miss O you want to speak to a Counseling Healer alone. It is the only way to get an actual diagnosis. And at the end of the day...you'll feel lighter than a bird. At that point, we can share. We can get it all out on the table.

"At that point...we can finally be free. Together."

XxX

Meeting with a Healer one-on-one was not as simple a task as group therapy. Not even close. In group there was absolutely no pressure. Everyone could choose to share or not. There were another people there to help with understanding.

But this wasn't even close to being the case with one-on-one. And the Counseling Healer Albus had met with wasn't in the slightest as calm and understanding as Miss O. He was abrupt and prodded quite a bit. That must have been part of the process, however.

In the end, Albus _had_ walked out of that uncomfortably warm room and into the chilly corridor with an answer. A resolution. A name to his problems. And he had to admit he did feel quite a bit lighter about it...

Or maybe that was the anticipation of seeing Devan again.

The night before, Albus had fallen asleep in the man's arms. He was actually surprised to have been allowed that luxury when he woke in the morning and found an arm secure around his waist. But they weren't pushy here. Everything was done on the patient's own time and money. If they were going to hinder their recovery in any way, that was up to them.

This was not something Albus saw as hindering, though.

This thing between the two of them that had started to bud and bloom over night was…soothing. It gave him hope for a life in the future that was at least filled with some semblance of normality. Snuggling up to the man's chest – hairy and toned in a refreshingly different way than Scorpius' had been – had made his morning feel calm. He didn't have the need to tear his hair out or rip bruising tracks into his forearms. It felt _so damn good_.

Over the half hour he'd had for lunch that day that consisted of him sitting alone in a room with a dry sandwich, Albus had tried to figure out just what he liked about Devan. He had resolved to go after him, to make him the thing that got him through this whole ordeal. But…he wasn't anything like the men he had been with thus far. He was kind and manly and slightly scruffy and had a marvelous laugh.

And all of those things added ultimately up to mean one thing: Devan wasn't Scorpius. They weren't even close to being the same. The case could have been made that it would be difficult to fall for the man as he and Al's ex-fling both had blonde hair. They even had a similar bone structure in their faces. But the similarities ended there. The shade of blonde was quite a bit darker and contained not a single platinum strand. It paired and matched the rest of his hair – his eyebrows, his chest hair, and the addicting scruff of his chin. Even his eyelashes were so light that they almost looked ghostly against his closed eyes.

Those eyes! They were possibly the most fascinating color that Albus had ever seen! He could get caught up staring at all of the different blue threads running through the icy color. And they carried so much emotion – happiness and true caring and some sort of secret joke. Scorpius' own eyes had always been so…cold. Liquid mercury in color, but lacking any real depth at all. Just closed off from the entire world.

Albus didn't know much of this man's body and therefore couldn't make any comparisons there. But he could tell that Devan had a much more adult build that came from rigorous workouts and he was sure a diet that may have landed him here. He had the type of body that said he could protect a fragile boy such as Al from just about anything. His arms were strong and enclosed him completely. And his skin was fading from a decent tan that said he at least got out in the world before this place. He was most likely immersed in the world and cared about those who surrounded him.

Devan was different than Scorpius and different was definitely good.

When Albus reached the other man's room, he found it to be completely empty. And as he checked his surroundings, he came to realize that the entire ward seemed to be much the same. Dinner must not have ended yet…. He sighed softly, quelling the information he was bursting to tell and entered the room.

In the time he had to wait, he felt like he just might burst. He had to force himself to take deep breaths (which actually helped quite a bit) and went to sit on Devan's bed. The action sent a poof of air up from the mattress that reeked of pure male musk. He inhaled deeply, resisting the urge to snuggle up into the blankets and bury his face in the pillows.

To distract himself, Al took a good look around the room. The night before, he had been focused on Devan himself. He had failed to notice just how lived-in this room looked. There were dirty clothes piled in corners of the floor, despite the day before having been laundry day. A few magazine clippings of men and women in various states of dress (or undress) were stuck up on the wall opposite the bed, posed right next to a home photograph. From where he sat, the picture seemed to be of a woman and her child on the boy's birthday. They were smiling and the toddler had cake and frosting covering his face. But there seemed to be not a single memento of a father in the room.

On the nightstand sat only two objects – a single box of tissues and a notebook that was smaller than his palm. He was just starting to reach for the book when the husky clearing of a throat caused him to snap out of his daze. He blinked over at the door, clearing the curiosity from his eyes. "H-hi," he said softly, his hand falling back to rest precariously upon his knee.

Instead of the outrage Albus had been expecting, Devan reacted to the intrusion with patient smile. He closed the door to his room and crossed to the bed, sitting down on the side of Al that was closer to the nightstand. Within a few seconds, the little book had been swept into the drawer. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind.

"How long have you been here?" Al found himself asking meekly, unable to meet the man's gaze. He was ashamed for being so thirsty for such knowledge. He knew such things were probably private.

But Devan was the type of guy to just roll with questions. To disregard privacy and share despite his own feelings. "Nearing on…eight months?" he whispered, lying back and swiveling so his head was lying on the pillows. He kept his eyes up towards the ceiling, as if he was lost in thought. "This time. The first time I was here for a week. I decided I was fine and checked back out. Made it through almost two years before things got so bad I needed to come back. At that point, I stayed for six months. A year later, my girlfriend left me and I…fell back into bad habits. And now I just…."

There wasn't even a hint of heartbreak in Devan's voice. It was like he was reading facts from a textbook. This was just how things were and there was no changing them. Which, Albus supposed, could be true. The past was the past, and if being here was helping him then so be it. But, in the back of his mind, Al found himself thinking that he just couldn't live like that. Being here for eight months would kill him. He liked to think that he would be well enough to leave here soon. Hopefully within the next couple weeks – he had N.E.W.T.s to get ready for, after all. And he most certainly never desired to get so low again that he would have to come back.

But everyone's life was different. If this was what worked for Devan, then that was great for him. "Your girlfriend?" he asked quietly, looking again to the mix of men and women on the wall. "Are break-ups a common trigger for people here?"

Devan gave that delightful laugh that was nothing but pure elation, melting Al's heart completely. He smiled despite himself, lying down beside the man with his head tucked into the crook between his chest and his arm. "More often than you would think. They come in many different forms, though. Just a simple break-up, guilt over an affair, being cheated on-"

"That's me," Albus supplied.

"Right, like you. It's sad to think that a relationship can do that to a person. Cause them to fall so hard they end up absolutely shattered in a place like this…." Devan sighed through his nose before shaking his head like he was ridding himself of the thought. "Anyway, how did your session go today?"

The answers Albus had received were on the tip of his tongue. He wanted so badly to share them out loud and feel the closure they gave him. But he was nervous. What if what he had was worse than Devan? What if he felt he was less than acceptable for it? "Um…. Can you…tell me about your…uh, bad habits first?" he asked quietly, looking up at the man for just a fraction of a second before losing his nerve.

With a nod, Devan squeezed Al's arm in support. "Sure." He simply breathed for a moment, gathering his words before speaking. The silence was comfortable in a way that words could not describe. "Well, I told you yesterday about how my mother stifled all traces of magic in my house. My dad would teach me what he could when he could. But to this day, I still only know basic spells and things. My parents divorced when I was only fourteen, so…all hope of ever learning kind of went out the door when Dad left.

"I actually never saw him after the divorce. Haven't see him in ten years and some months. That messed me up quite a bit. I didn't really know who I was or what I was supposed to be without him there. I could feel the magic flowing through my veins and…I had no way of using it. It was like having an itch under your skin – unattainable. And my mother, being the straight-laced, God-fearing woman that she was helped not in the slightest. She refused to talk me through becoming a man.

"Some part of me began to confuse who I was with who I wanted to be. I would look in the mirror and see myself. And yet…it was like I was staring at a stranger who had my father's eyes. I began to hate the person I was in the world and became consumed with my reflection. I would often just sit on the countertop and stare at that reflection for hours on end. Obsessing over the person that looked back at me because he was no doubt a powerful wizard with a bright future.

"When I turned seventeen – when I was a man in the eyes of a community I had never been allowed to be a part of – I just kind of…became desperate. I wanted to become the man in the mirror. I would look down at myself, however, and just see the body of my overweight mother and it would terrify me that this was who I was becoming. And this started the cycle of hate that caused me to starve myself. I just quit eating anything, really, just a small nibble here and there to keep me alive. It made me feel somehow good about myself. It was something I could control and it helped make me be the man in the mirror…."

Devan sighed heavily as his words died out. Looking up, Albus found tears in the man's still-happy eyes. He shifted in his arms, resting upon his chest and reaching up to caress his facial hair in comfort. "Sorry…." He took a slow breath and grabbed the boy's hand to kiss his fingers. "Um, long story short – I have been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. And along with that…I developed anorexia. And they are both hard things to shake, but I'm working on it. And I try very hard not to look into mirrors."

It had become very clear now that Albus might have things a bit easier. He had went through a decent childhood. His parents had divorced, but they cared enough to keep trying to be a family. They were a happy family overall. Why had he ever worried about being in a worse state?

"All I have, apparently, is…bipolar disorder?" Albus said quickly and buried his face into Devan's chest. "And I had a decent upbringing. I'm sorry…."

Laughing softly, Devan ran his fingers through Al's hair and shook his head. "No one's problems are less than anyone else's. Okay?" With a tender touch, he sat the both of them upright and pressed their foreheads together. The closeness brought their hearts to beat simultaneously as their breath mingled. "I want you to remember that. I have problems and you have problems and…we'll get through those problems together. Doesn't that sound like a fairy tale?"

It truly did…. Albus grinned and nodded, feeling tears in his own eyes as he leaned in and captured the man's lips. Slicking them with his raw emotion. Pressing in close to him in order to comfort them both. And resolving to invest himself in this relationship one hundred percent. This was going to be good for him.

"I think I could love you, Dev…."

Scorpius was just a thought on the backburner. A fleeting issue of the past. Devan was his future now and nothing else mattered. He had a diagnosis and that meant they could work through it together. That was the important part. They were together and they were happy. This could be a bright and beautiful thing. No one and nothing else mattered anymore. At this moment, Devan didn't have to answer back with his hope for love. That could come later. They could take that issue on later when the man was ready.

Everything could be concluded in time.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to go ahead and warn you all that this chapter may seem...a bit of a filler. Because it kind of is. But it had important information and it needed to be written. Thanks for reading - as always, I love the comments!

"Are you sure you're actually ready for this…?"

Looking around his now-empty room, Albus couldn't help but to smile. It felt freeing to know that all of this things were at his new apartment. A place that would allow him to finally be independent and on his own. He felt like he was finally becoming an adult. Like he was leaving his old, problematic life behind to start on a new journey.

Nodding in complete surety, Al turned to grin at his mother in the doorway. "I am…absolutely ready for this, Mum. You have no idea." He walked over to her, pulling her into a comforting hug. She was still worried about him, he knew. Everyone was. But he had been out of St. Mungo's for nearly four months. His first weekend back at home had been for Easter. And he had come a long way since then.

Even though he hadn't gone back to school (a pressured recommendation made upon his decision to leave), he had still been studying like mad. He did every single assignment everyone else in his classes would be doing, desperate to make himself prepared for his exams. And at the end of the term, he went to the Ministry to take his N.E.W.T.s with the utmost confidence. Things were working out well for him.

He was in a good place.

And his life honestly couldn't have been any happier as far as relationships went. He had never felt closer to both of his parents who had been there for him through every single messy or happy step of this process. He was even fine with the fact that his dad had sat him down the first week he was back to reveal that he was dating his uncle Charlie. That was no big deal - why shouldn't they be happy?

Harry and Charlie, James and Ahrann, Rose and Frankie - they were all happy! And that was perfectly fine because Albus had found someone that he could be happy with, too.

Things had never ceased to be good between Devan and Al. They had left St. Mungo's on the same day. Since then, they had spent every Saturday together, leaving the rest of the week for Albus to study and Devan to find a job. And, of course, they wrote daily letters back and forth.

It was a slow, easy courtship where they both seemed to feel perfectly at ease. Sex hadn't even become an issue and every date they had was conducted without secrets or shame. The way any period of dating should go.

Which was why, with Albus graduating today, they were finally taking that step to move in together. And tomorrow, they would celebrate their six month anniversary by waking up at one another's side. It was absolutely, sickeningly sweet. Even though not many people approved... Especially Ginny.

It had nothing to do with Devan, really. Everyone liked him. He was a nice man who seemed to treat the youngest Potter boy well. There was just still a little worry when it came to the state of Al's mental health. But he kept saying that he was fine. That this was a good step for him. And hs full-heartedly believed that it was.

After leaving the hospital, Albus hadn't really told anyone what had happened. He never went into full detail on why he ended up in such a state. That was private business that he preferred not to share with anyone - not even his closest friends. Scorpius was no longer a prominent figure in his life, so there was no need to mention him by name. All he said was that he went through a messy break-up with someone he would rather forget. And that was that.

Ginny slowly pulled back from the hug, looking Albus over with a soft sigh. This was the second child she would see in these crimson graduation robes. And it would be the second one to leave her so soon after leaving their childhood behind. She straightened his black, pointed cap with a vacant smile before leaving in to kiss his forehead. "You should be heading off... We'll meet you there soon, okay?"

Heading back to Hogwarts was...surreal. Albus hadn't returned since before Christmas break. But as he walked the path from Hogsmeade to the Entrance Hall, he couldn't help but to feel the lingering pull of nostalgia. He looked around with wide eyes, realizing that this was _it_. After today, he was done here. And he wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that.

"Albus!" A shrill squeal was the only warning Al received before he was encompassed in a mass of rusty curls. Rose enveloped him in a crushing hug, acting absolutely hysterical. It was a wonder she could actually get coherent words out. "I'm so glad you're here despite all of the- Well, you know! Merlin, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages! You look good, though. _Really_ good. I mean, you've lost some muscle tone, but I love your hair! It looks good long. I mean, still messy of course, but it somehow works. _Anyway_ , how are you? Any impending mental breakdowns?"

Even though Rose laughed as she pulled away, Albus still couldn't help the sting from the gentle jibe. He definitely wasn't at a point where he could joke about it yet. "I'm fine," he said demurely and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Hey, Frankie," he said with a wave, peering over his cousin's shoulder to finger a wave at his friend. "How's…things…?"

The last time Albus had even spoken to Frank was on the train home from Hogwarts. And that hadn't exactly ended on a kind note. Even now, there was still tension between them. But he gave a courteous wave back and adjusted his cap to keep himself preoccupied. Even to this day, Al had no idea why his supposed friend was so upset with him. Why he couldn't look him in the eye or give a simple 'hello'. He had forced his friends to put up with some crazy stuff during first term, but…was he really that upset at him out of the blue about that?

"Well, we should all probably go sit," Rose offered through the sullen aura surrounding them and reached out to take both boy's hands in her own. She was acting just like old times…. And that felt so right today. That's what today was about, after all! About celebrating all of the good memories and hard work they had invested in their time at this school. About taking those good things and turning them into a positive future. About creating an adult life they could be proud of.

As Albus sat with his house, the friends and families of his year surrounding them with proud expressions, he couldn't help but to be optimistic. He had gone through so much since the start of this school year and now look where he was. He was actually graduating and moving on to better things. And the sense of empowerment he had walking across that stage was one of the best things he'd ever felt.

Maybe it was the mood-stabilizing potions he had to take every meal. But whatever it was, he was genuinely in a good place.

"You're coming with us after this! We're throwing a party tonight!" Rose yelled over all of the cheers as the new graduates threw their caps in the air. She was beaming and Frank was pulling her back into his chest so he could kiss her temple.

"Sorry, I can't!" Albus shouted back, trying to see over the mass of former students. The friends and families sat upon risers where the student tables normally were in the Great Hall. They were up on a raised section in front of the teacher's table, but his short stature was still making it hard to see through the fuss. Making it hard to find the one person he desperately wanted to share this moment with. "I'm moving in with my boyfriend tonight!"

There was silence from Al's cousin at this. Stunned, shocked, slightly miffed - he wasn't sure what the expression on her face was. All he knew was that if felt ice cold. "The new one?" she asked, removing herself from her boyfriend and clinging to Albus' arm so she could whisper to him. "Isn't that a bit...soon? And aren't you both a tad unstable?"

That was what everyone was thinking. They all thought this was too soon. That Albus and Devan were moving too fast. No one understood what was best for them. No one knew what they needed. And Albus just needed to be patient with them.

He smiled thinly and shook his head back and forth slowly. "I'm happy with Devan, Rosie. He's good for me. He could be my soul mate - who knows?" He chuckled, squeezing her hand upon his forearm. "I promise that he will be good for me."

"Albus...?"

A switch flipped inside of Albus' mind. The sound of that single solitary voice nearly broke him. He went rapidly from elated to wanting to sink into the ground, unable to control his sudden increase in pulse. Very slowly, he turned around with wide eyes to face the source of his occasional nightmares.

Of course, he knew this was a possibility. He knew he would have to face him sooner or later and this was an opportune moment. But no amount of reassuring himself could hope to prepare him for this. He had told himself he could handle it, but now he wasn't so sure.

The first thing Al noticed about the other was his eyes. They were usually such a distant, cold grey that rarely shined with good intentions. But today... They truly were like silver, dancing with something like elation. Was he happy to see Albus? Next was the fact that he had stopped rather close. They were no more than inches apart in the sea of quickly departing new-adults. The proximity felt familiar and almost satisfying.

But Al quickly shut that part of his sensory receptors down and crossed his arms to create a barrier between them. "Malfoy," he said quietly, averting his eyes to the floor and kicking at a hat. Looking for some sort of distraction from the current reality.

"It's _really_ good to see you," Scorpius said, his words absolutely sure. He was confident about his emotions now, it seemed, which was an odd change in his character. "Um...I had Louis send you a letter while you were...uh... Away? I just...wanted to know if you received it? He never received a wr-"

"There's my gorgeous graduate!" Suddenly arms were encircling Albus from behind. Desperate for comfort, he eagerly turned in them and faced the man who was definitely not Scorpius. He felt his feet pick up off the flooring and his world spun a few times around. The movement cleared his head, as did the secure hold he was in. It was like taking a cold ice bath that cleared away all fears and thoughts.

"-write back..."

When Albus' feet again connected with solid ground, he was grinning once more. His hands were on Devan's scruff, pulling him into a delighted kiss that they both understood meant the world to him. "Hey," he gasped on a breath and sunk into that strong chest like a pillow.

"Am I interrupting something?" Devan asked, looking over his boyfriend's shoulder at the boy who looked like his soul had been crushed.

"Nope," Scorpius said quickly and backed up a few steps. His eyes were scanning the crowd in desperation. He was looking for an excuse to walk away. Something that wasn't his world wasn't falling apart as he knew it. "Not at all... Anyway, congrats, Potter. You look..." He looked beautiful. "Well."

And with that, Scorpius turned on his heel and walked away. His demeanor was shifting from the nervous hopefulness to a dark, heartbroken hatred. Not at Albus - never at Albus. But definitely at the man who held his attention so raptly and was kind enough to give his own back in return. And also at his so-called friend who hadn't cared enough to warn him of this disaster.

Truthfully, Scorpius hadn't thought the boy would be here today. Maybe he would have shown up to support his friends, but certainly not in a graduation uniform. Not actively participating in the ceremony. And so when his name had been called not too long before the Slytherin's own, he had been absolutely struck. So much so that he had hardly even heard the plea Louis had made for him to leave Albus alone after the commencement had finished. So much so that he just _had_ to talk to him. So much so that he didn't even know what he was going to say, but he'd had half a mind to sweep him off his feet in a rather passionate and public kiss.

But that wasn't how it had happened... He wished it had, but wishes were as useless as silver Snitches.

"Oi, Louis!" Scorpius snapped once he was within earshot of the strawberry blonde. He was standing with a gorgeous woman who could only be the boy's mother with that veela pull she had. But the young Malfoy didn't care about that - he had a bone to pick.

"Oh, fuck," Louis swore and looked between his mother and his friend. Then began to slowly back away. " _Maman_ , can we talk about this later? Please?"

Crossing her arms, the tempting angles of her face turning sharp, Fleur followed after her son. Her arms were crossed over her chest, showing an impressive amount of cleavage that showed plainly that she aged well. "No, Louis, we cannot! And watch ze language!"

Looking between his mother and his irate friend, Louis made a noise of helplessness. " _Mère_ , I have to _go_!" He knew he had neglected to divulge some vital information and now he was going to pay for it. "Like, now!"

But Scorpius had reached him too fast. Before the other boy could turn and flee, he had him by the arm and was pulling him off towards a corner of the Great Hall. "I'll bring him back for his scolding in a moment, Madame Weasley!"

"Scorpius, I need you to calm the eff down!" Louis protested, his feet frantic to find purchase upon the stone floor. "You _could_ speak to me like a normal person. You _could_ just take deep fucking breaths and use your words!"

There were nearly tangible sparks in the air around Scorpius as he stopped at his destination. He pushed Louis up against the wall, his hands on either side of his face. Glaring him directly in his slightly nervous eyes. Their faces were inches away, so close that Louis could feel the angered heat coming off of his friend's skin. "Why wouldn't you _tell me_ he has a boyfriend?! Why wouldn't you say he's moved on?!" Suddenly, his walls were breaking down and his tears were coming forward. He pushed roughly against Louis' shoulders, blinking up at the ceiling, hoping the sun shining through would dry his eyes. "I…. He _here_ , Louis. He's _here_ and I can't even apologize to him because he won't _care_. I just want to kiss him," Scorpius whispered in the end and released the other. "I want to kiss him and tell him that he means everything to me…."

Sighing softly, Louis relaxed back into the wall and massaged the ache in his shoulders. "I…. I know I should have told you, alright? I did know. I met Devan over Easter…. But I didn't know how. I didn't want to crush you or have you lose hope."

"Well, it's kind of hopeless now, isn't it?" Scorpius spat.

"No, it's not." Shaking his head, Louis leaned up to gently kiss the other's cheek. "Devan is a fleeting thought. He's only around because Albus needs someone near him at all times. And right now he only needs someone else because you hurt him. But, eventually, he will come back. He'll realize he needs you more than anyone else. Trust me, okay?"

It sounded like something Scorpius could latch onto. He wanted to believe it was a viable option for the future. That this whole thing was only temporary. And if that were the case, he supposed he could live with it. He was the one who had made this mistake. He had broken up with the only boy he had ever loved and sent him on a destructive path. It was only normal to allow him some time to grieve, he supposed.

But how long was normal to wait?

"Just give it a bit of time. Focus on your apprenticeship. Focus on getting your adult life in order. And just keep your arms open for whenever Albus is ready to return to them." Louis ducked under Scorpius' arm and smiled at him. Very carefully, he patted the boy's back before walking off. "Now, you promised my mother a lecture. So I have to go back and hear all about the fact that I have no future lined up for myself. Thank you for that, by the way." He suddenly stopped a few paces away and turned to look at Scorpius carefully. "We'll…we'll get together this summer, right? Just because school is over…doesn't mean we have to stop being friends…."

Quirking a small smile, Scorpius turned and smiled genuinely. He really had come far this year. And Louis had been a huge part of that. He'd never opened up with anyone like he had with this boy. His friendship with Aubadon had been absolutely nothing like this. It wasn't fun or normal. It was just full of sexual tension and constant competition. But with Louis, he was someone. He was _himself_ , and he had found that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

"Definitely," he said softly, then allowed his eyes to direct to the floor. "I should find my mother... I'll write you, okay?

They both nodded, going their separate ways. Both confident that things would work out how they were meant to in the end. They had to keep up hope and faith. There was nothing else they could do – just wait. Rushing something like this wouldn't work out well in the end.

"I thought you would be talking to your little friend...," Astoria said under her breath with a secret smile when Scorpius came back to her. She looked around, trying to find the Potter boy. When she had seen him walk up and receive his diploma, she was genuinely happy for her son. "You should bring him around. I would like to meet him properly this time."

Scorpius just stared at his mother for a long moment. Then looked away and shook his head. "He…. He doesn't share my feelings, Mother. When exactly did you meet, Albus?"

A nervous shake to her upturned lips, Astoria shrugged her pointed shoulders. "Well…it was fleeting, really. He came over to see you for Christmas Eve, remember? I had invited him to stay for dinner, even. But he bolted out of there so fast…."

Suddenly, Scorpius stepped back. He felt like he'd just been physically hit with something hard and heavy in the chest. A realization. It was all clicking, and his soul was sinking for it. All of the signs were there. The open door, the especially satisfied smirk Aubadon had worn, why he left so quickly afterwards, and Albus' breakdown. The fault was still his, but it was in a much harsher way that he had thought. The thought had never crossed his mind that the boy knew what happened Christmas Eve. He'd never even considered that to be a possibility. Why would he?! That was a private encounter! He hadn't told anyone about it – not even Louis!

But if Albus had witnessed what had happened…. The mistake that he had made out of desperation and foolishness…. It meant the absolute worst. And he had absolutely no shot at being with him ever again.

This wasn't temporary. The Albus/Devan thing could very well be permanent and it was all his fault!

"Could be please go home, Mother? Where's Father?"

Astoria tugged her son close and ran her fingers through his loose curls. "He had to go back to the shop," she whispered and pressed their foreheads together. "It's just us for the night, I think. Unless you wanted to go celebrate with friends…?"

This was it, Scorpius knew. He had no hope left. He knew it was useless now, as much as his heart ached for it to be untrue. But he had to face the fact that there was nothing left he could do. If Albus had witnessed him in that…position, there was no coming back from it. No amount of apologies could fix this. He was probably better off with that Devan guy because apparently Scorpius was an absolute idiot.

"No…," he said softly, squeezing his mother's hand and using it to lead her out of the Great Hall. Out of the school. Past the grounds he hoped never to have to see again. There were too many memories here now and if Albus was over him, he was going to have to do the same. He couldn't live with this ache in his chest for much longer. "I'll make dinner," he muttered on their way. "And you can pick a game to roast me at. Just you and me, Mum. I don't need anyone else tonight."

Meanwhile, Albus watched Scorpius leave the school with a lingering sadness. He didn't want to feel that way. But just seeing that boy had made him feel like he had been thrown completely back to his pre-therapy time. The only things that helped to keep him from breaking into a manic episode were his scheduled potion-taking and the man who held him close to his chest. The proximity was calming.

And yet…. Once again, Scorpius was on his mind. He had seemed so sure of himself coming up and speaking to him. Using his first name. He really seemed to have changed. To have decided that he didn't care what other people thought. He just wished this had happened back when they had started to be anything together. He was too late now….

"I'm ready to go home," Albus said quietly, turning in the arms around his waist and lifting up onto to his toes to kiss Devan with prevalent need. "Take me home…."

Devan's eyebrows shifted and he studied the boy's face. Trying to figure out his sudden desire and what it might have meant. When the expression of lost, needy puppy didn't change, he grinned and nodded towards the doors of the school. "Let's go, then. Do you need to say 'goodbye'?"

When Albus shook his head, Devan took the hint. His boyfriend wanted to be alone with him. Just like back at the hospital. It seemed he was comfortable that way. It was a good 'therapy' for him. And Devan wasn't going to argue that. He took one last look around the place he had never been allowed to set foot at until now. It really seemed…magical, to be obvious. But in the way that could have changed his life completely had he attended. But that opportunity was over for the both of them.

And so they were going to leave it behind forever.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a bit... down as of late. Kind of hard to get into writing. I identify a little too much with Albus, at this point, and that makes things hard. But I managed to crank this one out! And the next chapter is pretty well planned in my head so cross your fingers for another update this weekend. Love you all and all of your support!

Home for Albus had a square footage of no more than 700 feet. There was on bedroom, only a tub and no shower, a refrigerator that ran slightly colder than it should, and an arrangement of furniture that was so mix-matched it was almost irksome. As he walked inside the apartment, looking it over for the first time, he was less than impressed. But he supposed this was all Devan had been able to afford for now…. So he could live with it.

He smiled tightly back at the man as he watched him go through the rooms. "I get that you're used to a more luxurious lifestyle…."

Al shook his head and stopped in front of Devan where he was sitting at the dining room table. He caught his hands, squeezing them softly and leaning down to kiss his fleshy cheekbone. "No, no…it's lovely, Dev. I love it." He leaned back and slipped off his graduation robe, revealing the suit underneath. As he settled down to straddle the man's lap, he loosened his tie and leaned in closer. "There is no place I would rather be right now. I promise."

Their lips slipped against one another, kisses hesitant for the beginning. Testing waters and the fact that they were now boundary less. Well, practically. Before he had agreed to move in, Albus had reminded the man that he still wasn't ready for sex. Not of any kind. Maybe someday soon, but it wasn't _now_.

Or, at least, that was what he had been saying. Today…he wasn't so sure. The shock of seeing Scorpius had been enough to rattle him. He sought comfort. And, apparently, comfort meant taking things to the next level with his boyfriend. As much as he might not really want it on the surface.

Groaning, he pressed into Devan and pushed his fingers into his hair. It was short, but still long enough to tug at. He pulled just slightly, hungrily exploring the man's mouth. "I love you, Devvy. I really do," he ground out between breaths. "I really appreciate you being there for me today…."

Devan's fingers were gripping a little too close to the crease between Al's leg and torso. He was itching to cross that line. Why wouldn't he be with the signals the younger was throwing at him? He was taking in deep breaths when he could, nipping at the lips at his disposal. "Mmn…kay…," he moaned in response – or lack thereof – and resisted the urge to grind up into the heat above him.

Very slowly, Albus pulled back from the kiss. He looked slightly debauched with his lips swollen and disheveled clothing. There was even a slight strain to his dress pants. "I…," he started, but stopped as he was unsure on what to say.

"You don't want to have sex," Devan rescued with, attempting to stand in haste. Albus slid off and hit the floor heavily, crying out softly in pain.

For a moment, he was hit with a flashback of hitting the floor once before. But in a much different situation with a much different person. He closed his eyes, remembering the scrape of the Astronomy Tower against his elbows. The sexual pressure of Scorpius' memory coming to join him on the floor. And the rough way he had used him and _loved_ him in the short moments after this.

"Shit, baby, I'm…. I'm sorry!" Devan leaned down, extending his hand to pick Al up. He guided him to a standing position, starting at him because he wouldn't open his eyes. "Allie?"

Suddenly, Albus' eyes flashed open and he backed out of Devan's hold. He looked wildly around the kitchen, trying to get his bearings. "Just…just give me a sec," he whispered, clutching the edge of the table and trying to just breathe because he felt like he was suffocating. His chest was constricted and his brain was on fire. He quickly backed up towards the cupboards, searching through one for the medication he had asked Devan to keep for him.

Soon enough, he found the vial full of murky blue liquid and popped the top. It was down his throat in seconds, filling him with an icy calm. A numbing of his feelings. A wiping of his memories. An overall betterment of his personal being.

"Better?" The deep voice was near Albus' ear, causing him to flinch slightly. He still wasn't one hundred percent better. The iciness was still coursing its way through his body. "Sorry…."

Very slowly, Al opened his eyes and nodded. "I'm fine," he whispered, leaning forward to rest his forehead on Devan's chest. "I'm just… I'm fine…." It was the first time he had needed to take that particular potion. It wasn't something he was supposed to take every day. Actually, it was only to be taken to prevent a manic episode. And he was very satisfied with how well it worked.

"What triggered it?" Devan asked patiently while rubbing his boyfriend's back. Despite having been startled from a heavy session of making out, he was being quite calm. Probably because he was a proper adult….

Albus concentrated on breathing. On trying to be normal again. "Just…memories. It was…. I mean, I'm sure it was…." He was hesitant to reveal what he was feeling. What he was thinking. His heart was yelling at him to just say it and get it over with. But…he wasn't sure how well yet Devan dealt with jealousy. Or would he even be jealous at all?

It didn't matter, however, what Al said. Devan was already ahead of him. He sighed softly, tipping the boy's chin up so they could see eye-to-eye. "I get it. The shock of your ex, right? Hence the heavy kissing and the memory whiplash…. I get it, Allie. And I'm fine with it." He gently pressed their lips together and took a step backwards. "How about…we head to bed?" The instant Albus' face began to fall, he hastily added, "I _mean_ we go to bed and watch the telly and eat frozen burritos. Absolutely no pressure. Never any pressure, baby…." One more kiss to the forehead and Devan was walking away.

Not for even a second did Albus question if he wanted to follow. The potion had done its job and he was calm. He had a dopey smile on his face as he took steps towards the bedroom, leaving his boxes in the entrance hall to unpack later.

By the time Al reached the bedroom, Devan was already stripped down to less clothes than he had ever seen his boyfriend in. He was only wearing a pair of socks and dark boxer shorts that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. He paused in the doorway and bit at his thumbnail, considering how he should sleep. He'd never been in this position. Living with someone he'd never even spent a night with. How was he supposed to act? They weren't having sex so…what was the right way to dress when sleeping?

Maybe he was moving too fast. Maybe he wasn't ready for this yet. Why hadn't he ever even visited this apartment before? The dates had always been at a shopping centre, or at a film, or a picnic in the park. Something on public ground. But now he wished he had pressed to come here at least _once_ before. That they had decided to move further with their relationship in different ways before this.

"I can put more clothing on if that would make you more comfortable."

Devan had said it on nothing more than a whisper, but it was almost like a shout with the way it jolted him awake. "No, no!" he said quickly and immediately tugged off his shirt. It was like a knee-jerk reaction – he was embarrassed and needed to cover it up with the only way he knew how to cope. Decreasing his remaining bit of innocence. "I was just…admiring…."

In quite a haste, Albus stripped down to be in the same state of dress as his boyfriend, thankful that he wore boxers instead. Then gave the other a nervous smile and advanced towards the bed. "Where are these frozen burritos, then?" he asked, curling up under the worn covers to hide his nakedness.

"I will go get them. You wait here."

Albus wasn't planning on moving, anyway. He was nervous and didn't think his legs would support him anymore. But he kept telling himself over and over again that this could be okay. He had slept beside Devan in his room at St. Mungo's. They had cuddled and it had been fine. And he always said that there was no pressure. All he had to do was relax….

In the next month, it became increasingly easier to live with Devan. He really was a sweet guy who occasionally remembered to do his dishes and pick up his laundry. But it was okay that he was a bit messy sometimes. They both had messy lives, so Albus really didn't mind. Plus, he kind of liked picking up after his boyfriend. It gave him a bit of a purpose to his life.

All of his friends were moving on to bigger and better things in the world. Rose had accepted an internship with Witch Weekly (right now she was just a coffee bitch), Frank had accepted a position with the national Quidditch team, Louis had even figured out that he was going to try towards a spot in a local film school. And then…there was Al. And Al had no idea what he was going to do with the rest of his life.

For the moment, he had recently accepted a position at a Muggle bookstore. Just a basic salesman position…nothing to be excited about. But Devan worked there, too, as a barista and that made it appealing. But he couldn't help but to feel the fact that St. Mungo's told him he needed to stay away from the Wizarding world for a little while was a little insulting. It was all he had ever known….

And yet... Somehow being here with Devan helped to soothe all of that. He was just as disconnected as Albus was so they could rely on one another. And when he helped keep the flat clean and made food, it somehow made him feel confident. Accomplished. It may not be much, but to him it was something.

And Albus really couldn't deny that he was enjoying his job. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was relaxing and he was allowed to talk about books. What wasn't great about that?

If he had to summarize his overall emotion for this last month, Al would definitely say that he was happy. There were ups and downs, but that was life, right? So…he felt like he was managing well enough. And that was definitely something to be proud of.

"So, what do you want to do tomorrow?"

Al looked up over the dinner table, unable to help the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "For my birthday? I'm not sure yet." Looking down in thought, he stabbed at a chunk of broccoli. "I mean…we could go out. I think I'd like to have Rose come, too. Maybe even Frankie?" He shrugged. "Do you have any ideas?"

Scratching at his beard, Devan shrugged as well. "I dunno, Allie. We could just make it you and me. Alone…." The suggestion sounded, well, suggestive. But Devan's voice was so soft and kind that it kind of masked the implications the words could have. It came off as sweet and caring. Like he genuinely wanted to spend time with his boyfriend on his birthday.

"Okay," Albus said with a grin. "I'll do something with them over the weekend."

They continued to eat in silence, as most of their nights went. They talked about their day and what they were going to watch on the television every once in a while, but for the most part was quiet. The couple didn't need to fill their time with words. They weren't like that. They were…somehow stronger than that. Or, at least, that's what Albus kept telling himself. It's what made things comfortable.

Tolerable.

"Do you, uh…." Al looked up again when Devan began to speak, silencing him for a moment with his vague smile. It almost looked like he was checked out. Like he was in a far-off place and not really _there_. It was a dangerous look that usually prompted the need to take the emergency potion. He slowly set his fork down, pushing aside the plate he was hardly even touching to begin with. All he usually did was eat one or two bites a night, push his food around on the plate, and then cleared the table before Albus could get a good look.

The boy didn't ask questions, either, so that was a good thing. Maybe he didn't even notice….

"Do you want anything special to eat?" he asked, a little more pronounced. Attempting to startle the younger man back into reality. He stood up, moving to sit beside him. Taking his hand and stroking the smooth back of it soothingly. "For tomorrow, I mean. I can pick up anything. Or I could even try cooking something." He smiled sweetly, his eyes shining with the inside joke. He was absolute bollocks at cooking. Amazingly, he usually was able to even burn frozen dinners.

Albus merely shrugged again.

"Have I done something wrong…?" Devan leaned down to grab the legs of Al's chair, turning him rather forcefully towards him. Trying to get him to look at him so he could see just what was going on in those gorgeous green eyes. "I need you to say something to me because…sometimes you're hard to read. Like when you check out…. Like now." He leaned in to gently kiss the fleshy lips. They returned not a single bit of pressure.

Devan slowly pulled away, his own aqua eyes shining with something that could become tears. He really did like that they had issues and that they were working them through together. But then there were the times that they couldn't try to work through them. When Albus would shut him out (most likely unintentionally). He supposed he deserved it for not working as well as he should on eating.

The reply Albus gave was quiet, like he didn't even want to speak. Chances were that he didn't. But he at least had the courtesy to whisper out, "No, you're wonderful," before turning back towards his food.

With the words lacking conviction, Devan stood and sighed. He began to clear his plate along with the rest of the food, only sneaking one look back at his boyfriend. He didn't believe the other. But what was there to do? Even if the potions that he took, Albus was unstable. He was bound to have lower moments in his life. It would just be nice if he would talk about them….

"If you say so," he said, his patience waning. "I'm ready to retire to the bedroom if you are."

There wasn't a single word out of Albus on the way to their room. Devan shut all of the lights off as they went, attempting to make his slight anger disappear, as well. He knew that dealing with Albus was going to take some restraint and some patience. And so far he had been great about that. He hadn't blown up at the younger man thus far, but tonight was actually quite testing.

He was trying not to start a fight. Trying to be okay with this mopey attitude. But it was hard. All he wanted was to make plans for his boyfriend's birthday. Was that such a depressing topic? Did that really warrant such a reaction?

"If you would prefer to spend your birthday with your friends or family, that is completely fine as well," he said softly as he shut the door behind himself, stripping down to his usual sleeping attire. "I really don't mind. I honestly just thought that I could plan a romantic evening or something…."

Looking up, Devan saw that Albus was sitting on his edge of the bed. He was still dressed, his shoes still done, staring down at the floor. Unmoving. He sighed heavily, pulling off his shirt last before crawling into bed. For a moment, he considered just leaving him like that. Allowing him to sulk in whatever it was he was thinking upon. But then he thought better of it, knowing that if he didn't at least try, he would end up feeling rather guilty later about it."

"Is there something we should talk about?" he asked sweetly, making sure to keep his voice as light as possible. He slipped through the sheets so that he was right next to his boyfriend, scooting up to be on his knees. His hands worked to slip off Al's shirt, meeting absolutely no resistance. His lips were on his back, trailing upwards until he reached the arch of a shoulder blade. "You seem…a bit down. Can you talk to me?"

As expected, Albus didn't answer back. He only shrugged his shoulders, leaning forward to loosen any contact between the two of them. In continuation, he slipped off the rest of his own clothing, replacing them with a set of pajamas before slipping under the covers.

That was about as much as Devan could take. He nodded, taking the hint rather loudly, and laid back down on his side. "Alright, then. Um…just let me know if you have anything to say tonight at all." And with that, he rolled towards the television and fished for the remote to turn it on.

Usually, the two of them watched a program to fall asleep. But it was, also usually, something that they both enjoyed. Something they could talk about together, even in the minimal sense that they did. But tonight, Devan chose something out of pure selfishness. Per a usual pastime of his (somewhat of a coping technique), he changed the channel to a cooking program and settled back.

The show had something to do with the best thing people had eaten. They went to different eateries and discussed the best dishes. And he just could not deny that some of them looked delicious. His stomach rumbled slightly, but he ignored it as he was so accustomed to doing.

Food didn't repulse Devan as most people would think. That was a bit of a myth. He loved food! He could look at a certain dish and positively salivate over it. What he couldn't do, however, was often rationalize a reason as to why he should eat a dish. Looking at it and smelling it were different ideas than actually consuming it himself. That did not mean, however, that he did not hunger.

He was always hungry.

It became increasingly easier the longer he abstained. The more days in a row he limited himself, the more weeks he went without substance, the easier it was to tell himself he could live without. And he had almost come to that point since his 'release' from St. Mungo's. In the months he had been on his own, he had nearly gotten back to a good place with himself. At the hospital, he had been watched thoroughly. They made sure he ate. But when he was living on his own, no one was there to encourage him. Just Albus at maybe one meal a day to watch him eat as little as he could get away with.

But now that Al was living here…. Things were different. He was constantly around the visual and temptation of food. And there was that ever-looming pressure that he needed to put something in his body just to show that he deserved to live on the outside world again. When, in reality, he honestly should still be getting treatment. He wasn't even close to being good yet.

Along with that, the action of actually looking into a mirror was starting to freak him out again. For a while there, it had been alright. He could look at his reflection and not feel any of that old confusion. But lately, just the last couple of weeks, he wasn't sure what he was seeing anymore. If he stood there for too long, he could start to point out the things that just weren't right. He hadn't yet figured out why this was happening, but it was starting to feel a little too familiar. And it was triggering his bad behaviors to become worse.

Watching a show like this was only serving to remind Devan of just how unstable he was. But he found that he just couldn't turn it off. Long after Albus flipped the light switch and slipped off to sleep, he was still there with his eyes glued to the food. Imagining what it would taste like to eat such things. The feeling he wished he could have to feel healthy enough to consume the burgers dripping with grease. And starting to feel slightly sick to his stomach at his realization of just how bad things had gotten.

"Mmn, Devvy…?"

Gasping in surprise, bringing Devan out of his small world of guilt, he turned to look at his boyfriend. Albus was squinting in the light of the television, sitting up against his pillows and rubbing his eyes. Looking so adorable and vulnerable. Small. Young. Innocent. "Yeah?" he asked quietly, leaning over to push a wayward strand of hair back into the mess atop the boy's head.

"Wha' you doing up still?" Al asked sleepily, a yawn breaking his face at the end.

Devan looked back at the digital clock on the nightstand, wincing at the realization of having lost nearly three hours. "Sorry," he whispered, looking back towards the television and finding himself sucked in once again. "Just…this program…."

All traces of the weird funk his boyfriend had been in earlier were gone. Albus was tired, but he was more alert and open. He looked at the television, as well, moving to drape himself across Devan's stomach. "Yeah?" They watched silently for a few moments as the show focused on a bakery and their amazing gourmet cupcakes. All of those interviewed were salivating over them and their unique flavors.

And again Devan felt the stir of intense hunger.

"We can get some, you know?"

"Hm?" Devan questioned, looking down at the younger. His fingers went reflexively through his dark hair, all awkwardness from earlier forgotten.

"That bakery, it's in London." Albus relaxed into the touch and gave a satisfied sigh. "We can get a few for my birthday tomorrow if you would like." He smiled up at the other and even leaned up for a kiss. "But right now, I think we should get some sleep. Okay…?"

Pleasantly surprised by the difference a little sleep made, Devan nodded and pressed the power button on the remote. He set it aside, then slipped down in the bed to rest upon the pillows. But he tried very hard not to nudge Albus off of him. Not to lose the comforting pressure of his body heat. "Okay," he whispered back and fought the urge to pull his boyfriend closer. Or divulge that he didn't think he would be up to eating one of those sugar-filled fatcakes the next day. "Sleep well, Allie."


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... I'll let you all make of this what you will.... Just gonna leave it here and walk away.... Please remember to voice your thoughts!

"Good morning, Allie. And happy birthday!"

A slight pressure to Albus' side woke him before the soft exclamation. He found himself with a small smile on his lips as he shifted in the bed, stretching his back. Taking his time, he rolled off his stomach and settled back upon his pillows, opening his eyes to blink up at the man above him. For just a moment, the figure took a shake that startled him. A shape he didn't want to see in his bedroom on the morning of his birthday. And yet….

"I…attempted breakfast," Devan said quietly. He sat beside Albus, a plate of runny scrambled eggs and dark toast in one hand. The other held a rather good-smelling cup of coffee.

Groaning, Al blinked away the image of the other blonde and reached for the mug. "Thanks," he whispered and took a deep drink. The warm liquid slipped down into his belly, warming him completely.

"I put your morning potion inside, if that's alright." Smiling like he had not a care in the world, Devan settled up against the headboard alongside of his boyfriend.

With a nod, Albus took the plate, as well, and picked at a burnt toast crumb. "Yes, thank you. And, uh…thanks for trying to make food. I appreciate it. But, um…." He picked up one of the slices of bread and watched as it nearly crumbled into a black mess upon the plate. "I don't know if I can eat this," he laughed and set it back down.

Next to him, Devan also broke into a small fit of laughs. He reached out to poke at the eggs that just were not even closed to being cooked right and fell back against the headboard in an even louder giggle. "I'm sorry!" he managed to get out, holding his ribcage as the emotion began to cause an ache. "It was meant to be romantic!"

For the first time in around a week, Albus was actually feeling genuinely happy. He was content to grin and watch his boyfriend feeling much the same way. It was his birthday and it should be a good day. Today could be a good day.

"The thought was rather romantic," he said softly, setting the plate on the bedside table and taking a drinking in the last of his spiked coffee. After this, he went for a bold move. Biting his lip, he flipped his leg over Devan so that he was settled just at the base of his waist. This served to completely silence all noises from the man. Rendering him almost speechless. "I appreciate the idea…," Al said breathlessly, leaning into the other and ghosting their lips together.

Devan's face went dark with lust as he pressed their bottom halves closer. His lips parted like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the words. There was a heat emanating from just below where Al was seated, a good indicator at what hid in those eyes alongside the hesitant gleam. He reached up to caress the man's cheek with the pads of the fingers on his left hand. In the light of the sun streaming through the window, the ring on his finger glinted in his eye.

Unfortunately, the glint caused him to flinch and reminded him of things he didn't want to think about. About the fact that he'd gone against this specific promise ring with four men so far already. And was he really ready to do so with another? Or did he actually want to wait until he really was _ready_ this time? He closed his eyes, hissing in a long breath and letting it out in a rush.

"Sorry," he whispered. He opened his eyes slowly, locking them with Devan's oceanic orbs. They were full of an understanding that Al really didn't even comprehend. And patience. He had so much patience…. With a grateful smile, he leaned down to softly press their lips together. "You make it very hard to keep my restraint…."

"So don't."

The two simple words felt like a knife in Albus' gut. He flinched harshly and looked away, moving his leg to remove himself from his boyfriend. But Devan's strong hand held him there. He looked down at the grip on his thigh, then up at the determined look on the other's face. "Please let go," he whispered and tried again.

"If you want it, you don't have to make excuses against it," Devan said darkly. He may have meant to be helpful and encouraging, but his words came out slightly harsh and insensitive. And his hand never let up on its pressure.

"I think that's up to me!" Albus nearly shouted, practically ripping himself away from the other man. He stormed to the closet, pulling out a fresh set of clothes and took them off to the bathroom to change. Normally he wasn't shy enough to change in front of Devan, but this morning he just couldn't fathom the idea.

It wasn't like he could blame Devan for being so needy. For wanting to be with him in a special way. They had been together for seven months. That was a long time to go without any sort of sexual touch when both partners had been intimate with previous lovers. But, at the same time, he knew that he just wasn't _ready_ for this, yet.

He wanted it, oh he wanted it bad. But he also knew that it wasn't a good thing for him right now. As much as he told himself he was okay and he was doing better than he had been at Christmas, he knew that it might not be true. He was still in a pretty tough spot. He was still trying to get over those hurdles. His emotions and his actions were still not completely in sync. Just because he wanted something, didn't mean it was necessarily good for him.

And he didn't want to break this good thing he had going. Sex always seemed to fuck things up. If they started to have sex, things may not be the same anymore. Something about this good thing they had could shift and become twisted. One of them could break and become further ill.

After washing up and dressing for the day, Albus left the bathroom. His potion had started to do its work, silencing the mix of thoughts in his head. Leveling his emotions. Numbing him to the pain of feeling out of control. He stepped out into the hallway, his heart feeling a little less heavy. And suddenly feeling the need to apologize.

"Albus," Devan said softly, standing just a few feet away from the bathroom door. His head was hung and he, too, was fully dressed. Without lifting his eyes from the floor, he reached his hand out towards Al. The younger man took it cautiously, following the pull to be closer to his boyfriend. "Albus, I'm sorry."

"No, I know, baby," Albus answered back automatically, settling in closer to the man. He wrapped his arms around Devan's neck, settling his forehead into his neck. "I've been a little unfair to you. Up and down with my signals…. But I'm just not there yet completely, okay? Soon…but not quite yet…."

"It's okay, really. I can wait. I said I could wait. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning. You told me that you didn't want sex and I said that was okay. It still _is_ okay." Devan raised his eyes, tugging Albus' head up, as well. He pressed their lips together, just for a moment, then pulled back. "I'm human – I make mistakes. Don't let this ruin the rest of your special day."

Albus nodded without a moment's hesitation. He didn't want his birthday to be completely ruined because of this one, small thing. They could look past that for the good. "I won't," he said with another genuine smile. "I promise. Now…what do you have planned for me today?" A slightly selfish grin came to his lips. "An expensive dinner followed by a night of snuggling up with a romantic film? A picnic by a gleaming lake? Wine under the stars?"

"Um…. I thought we could go visit my mother…."

All expectations of a 'special' birthday flew out the window. A pit opened up in Al's stomach and he felt his heart drop right into it. "Your…mother…?" He had yet to meet his boyfriend's family at all. But out of everyone he had ever spoken of (which was few), he knew that Devan's mother was possibly the last person on earth that he wanted to meet. Especially on his birthday. His expectations crashed down fifty miles below the earth and his heart literally ached.

On a day where he could be hanging out with his friends, he was going to be forced to meet someone who had driven her son to near madness.

"I know! Okay? I know! Please don't look like that. It won't take long, okay?" Devan's tone was desperate. He knew he was letting the younger man down and he really did care about that. But there was an obligation he seemed to have to fill, as well. "I guess she's been cleaning out the storage shed and I told her I would come get a few things of mine. It really should just be in and out, simple as that. And then we can get to celebrating!"

At the moment, Albus didn't think he could believe the promises Devan made. He wasn't angry. He wasn't sad. He was just…disappointed. There was nothing he would like less than to meet his boyfriend's neurotic, wizard-hating mother on his eighteenth birthday. He yanked away, storming off down the hallway to the kitchen. "And you couldn't have put it off for a day?!" he yelled as he went, opening the fridge and sticking his head inside. He was hungry and was looking for something to eat, but he wasn't sure what. Nothing really appealed to his anger-filled stomach.

Following him, Devan threw up his hands in the air. "Really, Albus? You're going to get this upset?" He sighed, leaning against the wall and watching the other. "I get that it's your birthday, but…can you just indulge me for a half hour? I need you there with me…." His voice was that of a broken man trying desperately to keep it together.

The idea of going to see his mother was clearly effecting him more than he was wanting to let on.

Noting this, Albus took in a deep breath and slowly closed the refrigerator door. He gave his boyfriend a good once-over. Then nodded and snatched up an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter. "Fine. We'll go…," Albus gave in. "But if it takes longer than a half hour, I'm seriously just disapparating out of there and leaving you all on your own."

Slowly, he walked over to the man and poked him in the chest as he took a bite from his apple. "This is _my_ birthday and I refuse to spend it alongside someone who will most likely hate me upon sight. Does she even know I exist, Devan?"

And there was the heart of it all. The main reason Al was hesitant to go…was out of sheer hurt. He was fairly certain that his boyfriend hadn't said a single thing to that woman about living with a man he said he was in love with. If she was as crazy and hard on him as Devan said, then why would he want to bring it up?

"Will I have to pretend I'm your _friend_?"

Swallowing a fearful lump in his throat, Devan slowly shook his head. "No," he said and shifted on his feet. "No, I…. I haven't told her, okay?" He sighed, throwing his hands helplessly up in the air. "I haven't! I don't know how to! But today I will! For you, Albus, I will tell her. I will introduce you as my bloody boyfriend who I am stark mad for. Does that work for you?!"

Though it was made out of anger, the resolution actually did calm Albus' fears a little. He nodded and took another bite, not sure what else to say on the subject. It would have been unfair of him to still be angry after Devan had made such a compromise.

"Good. We need to leave. I let you sleep in a bit, but I really don't want to see her get upset for us being late." Devan stepped forward, taking Albus' free hand. "Could you…?"

"Apparate us there?" Al breathed, an eyebrow raised. "I can't without knowing where I'm going, Devan. That's how it works…. Otherwise one of us could end up splinched," He noticed the clueless look and shrugged while searching for a better explanation. "It's very…dangerous magic. The uncertainty could end up tearing parts of our bodies in different directions. The result is not pretty…."

"Oh…." Devan nodded. "We can walk, then. It's only about six streets away." He looked towards the ground, his face scrunched up as he thought. Then looked back up at Albus fearfully. "You've never been…whatever it is, cinched, have you?"

Smiling in good humor, Al slipped on his shoes and made for the door. "No," he reassured the man. "But when we were getting our lessons last year, my cousin Rose caused a splinch. She has a way of distracting boys and…well, one wasn't paying enough attention. Long story short, he lost a chunk of his lips. He was thinking too much about wanting to kiss her again. That chunk ended up near her and the rest of him landed at his destination. Was a bit funny, actually."

Devan didn't seem to share the amusement. He had gone absolutely pale, like he would be sick, and just stared at Albus as they walked.

"He's fine now. Just a small scar. Our matron Healer was very talented at fixing foolish teenage mistakes." Albus threaded their fingers together. "I'm sure even you have had some of those with your untrained magic."

Wriggling his hand out of Al's, Devan nodded slowly. The topic was uncomfortable for him and his boyfriend knew that.

Silence passed between them for a good five minutes. They walked next to one another, but were completely distanced. Albus was content to allow his boyfriend the time to calm down. To absorb back into a happy person. But, at the same time, it was his birthday. He didn't want to spend a single moment more of it in a bad state.

He reached out, snatching the hand again and yanking the man close. Their lips connected with a small laugh from both of them, Albus' arms going around Devan's neck in contentment. "I promise, we'll teach you loads about magic. I want you to be comfortable in the world you belong in," he whispered into the crush of their mouths.

"DEVAN EDGAR FREEMAN!"

Startled, the men broke away from one another. Well, sort of. In the fright of the moment, they loosened lips, but Albus kept his arms secure around the other's neck, and Devan kept his around his boyfriend's waist. They looked first at one another, then slowly towards the source of the voice.

A short, quite stout woman stood in a little ways down the sidewalk from them. Her hair was carelessly curly, a mess in the ponytail at the back of her head. And her face was quite red – most likely from a mix of humiliation and anger. There were similarities that were instantly spotted between Devan and the woman. He obviously inherited his bright blue eyes from her, though hers came off quite hard and lacking the depth of Devan's.

No doubt this was the man's mother.

"Mother," Devan greeted her, pulling away from Albus with obvious regret. But he kept their hands latched together for support. "Sorry if we're a few minutes late."

Her arms crossed in front of her chest, those blue eyes Albus knew inside and out latched onto him in a glare. " _We_?" she spat and stalked over to them. "Stop that! The neighbors will see!" she hissed, smacking at their hands.

Devan obeyed and let go, giving Albus a wincing look. This wasn't exactly the way he had wanted to tell her. "Sorry, Mother," he muttered. "Um…can I just come get my things?"

Not for a second did the woman take her eyes off of Albus. It was almost like she was trying to catch him on fire with that gaze. "Get in the house, Devan. _This_ can stay here." She turned away sharply on her heel, catching her son's sleeve and pulling him with.

This left Albus standing in the middle of the sidewalk, all by himself. Devan looked back at him with an apologetic wince, but that wasn't exactly consoling. He frowned, looking around at the matching brownstones clumped impossibly close together around him and sighed heavily. For a moment, he contemplated just heading back to the flat. Or going somewhere he was actually wanted with people who could actually give him good memories for this day.

But the need to be there for his boyfriend outweighed his selfishness. So, he stayed where he was, not moving a single inch forward or backward, and plopped right down onto the cement. He looked much like an abandoned child with his legs crossed underneath him, picking at his shoelaces. And he sort of felt like one. So far this was serving to be the worst birthday he'd ever had.

And that counted the one shortly after he'd come out as gay. The one where his brother, in order to seem accepting, had given him a whole slew of Muggle all-male lad's mags.

Fifteen minutes, a half hour, an hour, two went by. The sun shifted overhead, beating down directly upon Albus. He looked at his watch, sighing at the fact that it was now one in the afternoon and he was still waiting. He'd shifted his position several times in order to try and get comfortable. Several people had walked by him, staring at his odd choice of resting place. And, yet, he continued to wait.

It wasn't until his watch beeped to signal three that Albus gave up on waiting. Three hours was a long time to sit patiently. A long time to pretend he was okay. His heart now somewhere in the vicinity of his toes, Al stood and wiped himself off. He threw a glancing look once more towards the house Devan had disappeared into. Then sighed heavily and thrust his hands into his pockets, turning and walking away.

What could have taken the two of them this long? What exactly was so important that Devan was content to allow his boyfriend to roast under the warm, humid sun for that long? And on his birthday, of all days!

Albus walked home with his steps heavy and full of anger. He didn't even entertain the idea anymore of being around someone else. He was in much too bad a mood to even want to be around anyone. Not even people who genuinely cared.

He stormed into the flat, slamming the door behind him and made for his bed. Right now, he was feeling absolutely crushed. Like his feelings and what was important to him in life just didn't matter at all. Why was he with this man if all he was going to do was leave him alone for hours on end while he chatted with the mother he so apparently hated?

Not soon after Albus had flopped face-first onto the bed, he was crying big, fat tears. They soaked his pillow and ran down his neck. He was an absolute mess, curling up into himself like he was in pain. He did, in fact, feel like he was in genuine pain. His heart ached in much the same way as Scorpius used to cause him. It felt like he was experiencing that whole ordeal all over again. And it was absolutely killing him.

This was a small thing, but it added to the fact the he just was not _happy_. It was a sign that this maybe wasn't meant to work out. That Devan might not be as good as was expected for him. Maybe this wasn't where he was meant to be in his life. Maybe he had made a huge mistake!

"Albus? Baby?" The voice was dripping with a sincere apology. It caused Albus to wince and curl tighter into himself. Was he going to allow this man to apologize and then let him back in without a thought? He didn't want to. He wanted to call him out and yell and scream. But…he also just wanted to try and be happy!

"What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" Albus snapped, though it lacked conviction due to his confliction. He sat up, his eyes puffy and red. Devan stood in the doorway to the room, also seemingly to have been crying. "You said a half hour tops! And it's been…. How long has it been, Devan?"

"Nearly four," the man whispered. He nodded towards the floor, knowing his mistake. Afraid of the consequences. "I am...very sorry, Allie. I-"

" _Don't_ call me that!"

Bobbing his head in understanding, Devan slowly let a breath out through his nose. "I understand why you would be angry. It took longer than I had expected to calm had down. And...she had someone else in the house. Someone I haven't seen in awhile. I mentioned the girlfriend that left me, yeah?"

So...Devan had ditched Albus to spend time with a girl he had once loved. That made him feel a hundred times worse. "You have got to be fucking joking," he spat, sitting up fully and throwing a pillow so it hit the man square in the face. "You still love her, don't you?!"

Finally, Devan had had enough. He kicked the pillow aside and made for the bed, sitting down across from Albus, despite the face the man made. "I need you to act like an adult for once and just listen to me. Think you can do that?"

Albus was too shocked at the insult to give a retort.

"Good." He reached forward to lightly hold Al's hands. Stroking them comfortingly. "I don't love her still. I love you - flaws and all. The same way you love me, yes?" Albus gave a small nod in, causing Devan to softly smile. "I never told my mother of my feeling for men as well as women. She was...having a hard time grasping the concept of her son being homosexual, even in the slightest way. And with Esther there, it was a good way for her to 'fix' me.

"But the important thing is - it didn't work. It never works!" He kissed Al's cheek for emphasis. "Because there's nothing wrong with being in love with someone as amazing as you."

The words were sweet, they were kind, they were sincere. And the scratch of that beard on the kiss was intoxicating. Just like that, Albus found himself helpless to fight the need to forgive the man. He wrapped his arms around his neck, curling into his lap and whispering his own apologies. Blaming himself for overreacting.

After their tears (both happy and sad) had dried, the couple had put aside the setback of the day. It occupied an unimportant section of their memories. They could recall if later when they actually wanted to think on it. But, for now, they wanted to salvage what was left of the day.

They went to dinner like a normal couple - talking and laughing. Getting through the might without so much as a hitch. Mostly because Devan didn't call out Albus' distant eyes, and Albus didn't call out how little Devan actually ate of his food.

They then went to the bakery they had seen on the television then night before. And, with a half dozen very expensive cupcakes, the two headed back home.

They were normal. They were happy.

"You're going to help me eat these, right?" Albus joked as they entered the front door, holding up the cupcakes for emphasis. "They look like a toothache willing to happen and I don't think I could get through all six."

Devan paused in closing the door behind himself and drew in a steadying breath. He had known the question was coming in some form. "Um...not sure if I will. Don't really like sweets..." It was a lame excuse and not even close to true. Baked goods were his favorites.

Baked goods were also quite fattening.

Albus looked back at his boyfriend, seeing through his lie. Then sighed and harshly set the box onto the countertop. "I didn't want to say anything today but..."

They both just stared at one another for a long moment. Neither wanted to continue the topic. Neither wanted to finish that sentence. They both knew what it was about. And they both wanted to steer clear of Devan's problem. It was touchy...

"I would rather watch you enjoy your birthday cupcakes," Devan finally said. He locked the front door and rested against the wall beside it. "Really. You don't have to worry about me. Just...just eat one for me? I bought them for you. They're your birthday gift. Just..."

The staredown between them lasted a little less time than the last. Albus couldn't help but to want to do this for his boyfriend. And they did look good. He did want to eat one...

"Fine," he whispered and reached for the box. They could argue about what Devan did or did not eat later. There were six different kinds inside the box and he surveyed every single one carefully. In the end, he selected a 'PB&J' theme cake. Peanut butter flavored batter with a raspberry jam center and butter cream frosting.

I'm order to savor the expensive pastry, Albus raised it slowly up to his mouth and took a slow lick at the frosting. It truly was the closest to heaven he had ever tasted. His mother's baking had nothing on this. But she might have been...slightly close?

"It's really good," he groaned, attempting to make his boyfriend jealous. To stir up some sort of hunger within him that he wouldn't be able to ignore. "So sweet..."

"Y-yeah...?"

Smiling coyly, Albus looked up at his boyfriend as he peeled back the metallic wrapper. The man's face was flushed and he was arching his back off the wall. Yearning for it. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Sweetest thing I've ever tasted. You can't even imagine it, baby."

Devan made a noise of longing, biting his lip. Feeling like his plan was working, Albus looked down and concentrated on making the cupcake look tempting. "Tell me how it feels in your mouth, Allie."

"Thick and moist. Like a chunk of heaven sliding down my throat." Almost unintentionally, Albus' voice took on a sultry, sort of sexy, quality. Like he was trying to seduce the man. But he really was just attempting to get him to eat something.

He honestly had no idea the kind of hunger he was actually stirring in his boyfriend. Until he heard the dark moan and the hard thunk of Devan's head hitting the wall. His cheeks stuffed with cake and his lips smeared with frosting, his absinthe eyes met Devan's aqua ones. The man, his trousers undone and his hand furiously flying over his hard cock, made a forbidden sound at the sight.

Albus was frozen with fear. He had no idea how to react to this. Whatever it was. All he could manage was to stand there in slight horror, the empty wrapper in his fingers and a sickly green hue to his cheeks. He felt like he would be sick. This wasn't what he had wanted. Not even close to what he was going for. And he still didn't understand how it came to that point.

Devan came hard with the other man's name on his lips a few moments later. It took one last look at Al's doe eyes to bring him there, convulsing into his hand with half-lidded eyes. "Fuck, Allie... Baby, you're sexy." He looked up again at Albus and grinned. "Eat another."

"Suddenly, I'm no longer hungry." Albus' voice was quiet, but it was in order to keep the absolute regret from leaking through. He turned away, coughing a little as he swallowed the rest of what was in his mouth, even though he would have rather spat it out. "Could you...clean up? And then take a shower? I think I'm going to head to bed..."

"You could, uh...shower with me?"

With a suppressed shudder, Albus violently shook his head back and forth. He then bolted towards the bedroom, closing the door and leaning against it with ragged breaths wracking his body.

Looking back, he could see where he had gone wrong. It was kind of his own fault... He had gone about his idea of teasing the wrong way. And it had definitely backfired... This just wasn't the way he had wanted their first sexual encounter to go! It was awkward for him and slightly repulsing.

Or was that just because it was Devan? He forced himself to think, if Scorpius had done that same thing, would he have found it as disgusting? Or would he have come over after the man was finished to help clean him up?

As much as he didn't want his answer to be the latter, it was.

Sighing softly, Albus moved to the bed with the light still off and flopped face-first onto his pillow. Vaguely, he remembered that he needed to take his last potion for the night. It might have even helped to bring his mood back to a stable point. But right now...he just couldn't get the motivation to move. He felt like he could be satisfied to just die in this spot here. To just waste away into nothing. Maybe it was an overreaction...but that was how his emotions were guiding him currently.

When Devan came into the room nearly half an hour later, Al feigned sleep. He didn't think he could even pretend his way through a conversation right now. Not with this man. Not with someone so…vile to him right now.

Fully clothed and with a heavy heart, Albus fell asleep not much later. He drifted off easily, ready to just forget the night. Forget the whole day. Forget the worst birthday he had ever suffered through. And completely ready to avoid ever thinking about this ever again. If he could accomplish that….


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings in advance for gross sobbing.... And please let me know how you feel about the new chapter!! All types of feedback are lovely!

The instant Albus found himself conscious that next morning, he wished he could just be asleep forever. He didn't want to open his eyes and face the day. Well…it wasn't the day he was worried about. More like how the day would go. And the awkwardness that was definitely going to ensue.

If anything, he just wanted to avoid the feeling that the day was destined to be odd. After last night and his reaction to the…thing Devan had done…. How was there even a way to come back from that? It wasn't like he could just wake up and pretend that didn't happen! And what if the man brought it up? What if he asked why it had weirded him out? What did he say then?

He really just had no words on the subject.

And maybe that was because he was still processing. It was a lot to take in. Especially after he'd told Devan _that morning_ that he still wasn't ready to progress their relationship in such a way. Then again…. He had just said he wasn't ready for sex. That didn't really exclude all of the…things that were almost sex, did it? If he was denying his older boyfriend the full physical experience, didn't that sort of mean he had to still put something out? They were both adults, after all. Adults with a decent amount of sexual experience between them….

Was Albus overreacting?

With a heavy heart from the conclusion he had come to, Al sat up in bed. He had made a tentative resolution, but he wasn't exactly sold on it. Deciding out of the blue without much thought to be more open sexually wasn't…normal.

Which was why he was actually relieved to find the apartment empty when he finally got out of bed. If he had to face Devan so early after making this 'decision', he was sure he wouldn't have said the right thing at all. It was good he had a little more time to think. He wanted to make sure this was really what he wanted, after all.

Considering the day before he was very against it….

In the back of his mind, Albus recalled that his boyfriend had work this morning. And when he looked at the clock, the timing sounded about right. Which meant he should have at least six more hours by himself.

Biting his lip, he groggily moved to the kitchen and dug through the medicine cabinet for his potions. Coming up with nothing. He frowned and checked through again, making sure to pull every single vial out and examine it just in case he was missing something. And, still, there wasn't a single one that was his daily intake. Plenty of different things for Devan – laxatives, energy shots, protein enhancers. And he certainly had quite a bit of the emergency potions left.

In a panic, he turned around and searched the counter space – just in case he had left it out yesterday. His eyes locked immediately onto the half-empty bottle he had completely walked past on the counter closest to the kitchen's entrance. He hurried towards it, snatching it up and measuring out the correct dosage before downing it hungrily.

His brain felt fuzzy. He vaguely had a sensation of losing control. His emotions…were slightly up and down. Like he wasn't sure what he was thinking was what he was _really_ thinking. There was a lie inside of him. But the liquid warming him was helping slightly to put him right. He had missed a dose last night…. It could explain why he was feeling out of control. And he recalled that it might take a bit to readjust.

Taking a deep breath, he looked down at the note that had been left next to his potion. It took his eyes a moment to focus, but once he did, he scanned the page like it was air and he was suffocating.

_Allie,_

_I didn't want to wake you. You looked like you needed the sleep._

_Don't forget to take your dose. I know you forgot last night._

_Stay in, rest up. See you after I get off._

_Love,_

_D_

The note was short and…sweet? Albus read it a few times to try and fully understand how it made him feel. But he just _couldn't_. It felt like there was a blockage from his heart to his brain. It wasn't processing right. Somewhere, it was misconnecting.

With a heavy sigh, Al rummaged around for something to eat for breakfast and took it to the sitting room. He curled up on the couch, turned on the television, and tried to go mindless. Tried to block out the rest of the world, so that he didn't have to worry about thinking or feeling. He just wanted to be blank for now until he started to feel better.

Well, better didn't come all day. No amount of food shoved into his mouth or mindless television consumed could calm him enough to become normal again. He'd never once missed a dose, and he was sure now that he never would again.

There was no rest going on in his mind. It was constantly reeling, sorting through things that were seemingly random and opposite of one another. One moment he would think that he was in the mood to go for a run, the next he would convince himself that he needed a nap, instead. He was up and down and all-over confused like that for the rest of his day alone.

By the time Devan arrived home, the only solid conclusion that Albus had come to was that he was ravenous and should start dinner.

"Smells good," Devan said first thing as he walked through the door. He slipped off his shoes as he walked from the entrance to the kitchen, greeting Al with a shaky smile. His eyes roamed from the stove to the counter where his boyfriend was furiously chopping vegetables. Then backed out of the room, looking as if he needed to compose himself.

"Thought I would make you something nice. Been cooking for an hour." If he noticed the strange behavior at all, Albus didn't let on. He merely continued with his slightly far-off smile and hovered the cutting board over a pan on the stove, pushing the vegetables off carefully. "I just thought I should reward you for working your butt off today. Not that you had much of one to begin with…."

The small tease was meant to evoke some sort of laugh. Albus certainly got a small chuckle out of it. But Devan…. Well, he didn't make a sound. His elation falling, Al turned back to his boyfriend and frowned. "Haha, Devvy?" he questioned, searching the man's face. He was just… _standing there_ in the entrance to the kitchen. Staring at the floor. Gripping the decorative wooden pillar that framed the 'window' between the sitting room and the kitchen like he meant to break it.

"Yeah...yeah... Smells good, Allie." Devan released the pillar and hit it gently with his palm before turning on his heel and walking off.

Confused, Albus watched the man through the little window as he walked off towards the bedroom. As he went, he unbuttoned his navy uniform shirt and slipped it off like it was a heavy burden. And yet his shoulders still sagged like there was pounds more he wished he could lose.

With a sigh, Albus continued to stir the sautéed vegetables with a little butter. In another pan, he had chicken roasting in non-fat stock. And in the oven was fresh bread. He really had tried his hardest with the minimal cooking skills he had to make a healthy meal for the both of them. One he wished Devan would at least consider eating….

"I actually think I'm just going to go work out with a few friends tonight. They wanna try out this new 24-hour gym."

The statement Devan practically shouted from the bedroom as he changed was like a stab straight through Albus' heart. He looked away from the meal he had prepared, feeling like it betrayed him, and stared in the direction of the voice. "Couldn't you at least eat first before you go out with these mystery friends? I've worked very hard…."

"And I appreciate that, Albus. But I'm just…not hungry. I'll get something small after the gym."

The words were nonchalant. They were lax. They didn't carry a single note of resentment or anger. And yet it felt like Devan was screaming them at him. Yelling at him and telling him he wasn't good enough. That he would rather be out with someone else in order to feel comfortable, rather than face his problems with someone who was there to help.

It hurt worse than Albus could remember this man ever making him feel. He stared at the counter, gritting his teeth as he thought. He was grasping at a way to pull back from that sinking feeling in his stomach. But his emotions were not in control today. For a moment, he contemplated taking an emergency potion, but he thought better of it in the end. They were for manic moments. Right now, he was just a little fuzzy.

Desperate to get the man to stay, Albus spoke the first thought that came to his head. "If you stay and eat, I'll help you work it off…." And almost instantly regretted it. Yes, he had resolved to work harder at being sexual with his boyfriend. But this was too soon. Too rash. Too open. He bit his lip and stared harder at his action of stirring.

There was too long a stretch of silence following the offer for Al's taste. He stood there, obsessively moving the vegetables around in the pan and flipping the chicken, while his heart raced a million miles a minute. Praying now that Devan would just leave him and not take his words to heart. For him to read them in the right way and hear the hesitations he still had.

"Work it off?"

Devan stood now in the entrance to the sitting room, his arms crossed over his chest. He wore a pair of dark blue, pocketed lounge pants with a symbol near the side of red, white, and blue circles with a star in the middle and the words 'Captain America' underneath. Albus catalogued every single detail about these pants, from their faded color to the tears at the feet, just so he didn't have to notice the fact that his boyfriend wasn't wearing a shirt. And he didn't seem too keen to put one on, either.

"Yes," Albus said softly, hating the way his mouth formed words but his heart didn't feel like he believed them. "In whatever way you choose…."

Somewhere, Albus remembered having heard that sex burned off an insane amount of calories. Not that he cared, but for some reason he had filed that information away. Possibly just for today. Taking a deep breath, he finally raised his eyes to look at Devan again and winced at his expression. He was definitely giving in. His eyes were clouded with desire and he was looking his boyfriend over like he'd won.

Was that all he had wanted? All this time?

With a nod, Devan came into the kitchen again and reached above Al to pull down two plates. "It's a deal, then," he said softly and leaned in to steal a quick kiss. He was so elated, he didn't even notice the purse to his boyfriend's lips.

Albus dished the food onto the plates in heaping piles. It was more food than even he could eat, but if he tried it would at least give him an excuse to stall. He could pick at it until he felt he was ready. If that time ever came….

"How was your day?" Devan asked as he pushed his food around the plate. Again. He had actually taken two small bites so far, and that wasn't impressing Al. He was watching him like a hawk tonight.

"My skipped dose last night really took a toll on me today. So glad I took the day off." Albus forced a smile and took another large bite. He was starting to get stuffed and he still wasn't feeling any more confidant. "Still feeling a bit…muddled."

The goal was for Al's meek admittance to sway Devan's mind. For him to hear the shake in his voice and see the signs and call off the deal. Just to finish eating and spend the night cuddling his boyfriend like he needed. But, it had the opposite effect, it seemed. Grinning almost lasciviously, the blonde man. "Well…I know how to wake up your mind…and your body…." He pushed away his food, raising a brow and standing.

This was it. This was the point Albus had been dreading in the evening. There was still a part of him that said this was only fair. He owed it to Devan. It could help the both of them. They were ready enough and in love. This could be fine and okay and wonderful.

But there was still the section of his heart that was screaming to be heard. It was faint, but he could still slightly hear it. It wanted Albus to know that something here felt off. It wasn't the right time and wasn't happening for the right reasons. He needed to fully rethink this. To wait until a day where he felt more like himself to make this decision. There was no coming back from this. Once they went through with it, it wasn't something that could be stopped easily.

The sound of Devan suckling on Albus' neck, however, drowned out these rationales. His boyfriend had come to him, settling behind him with his arms wrapped around his neck. Massaging his chest in what could be described as a relaxing way. Giving gentle, yet pressing, bites to the sensitive skin below Al's jaw.

"Y-you didn't eat much," Albus tried to reason, squirming a little in his seat. Though he couldn't deny how good that tongue and those teeth felt….

Devan groaned, tweaking one of Al's nipples as he worked his hands downwards. "I tried, Allie. That's all I can do." His lips dragged for a moment over a thick vein before be moved them to the other's ear. "But if we do this... I promise I'll try harder."

It was a compromise. Sex for eating like a normal, recovering eating disorder patient should do. It didn't seem to be weighed fairly, but Albus didn't really feel he should back out. That wasn't right. Wasn't fair. He had said he would do this and he shouldn't changes his mind.

Slowly, Albus nodded and raised himself from the chair. He abandoned the leftovers, turning with semi-absolution and crushing his lips to his boyfriend's. He was met with a near-bone-crushing force in return, pushing him up against the small section of wall that separated their 'dining area' from the kitchen. At this, he made a small noise of pain but it was ignored. It wasn't that loud anyway...

"There's still no pressure," Devan made sure to say, his hand plunging up Al's shirt and roaming his chest. But he was having a hard time believing that reassurance now. It was almost a lie to make him believe that his boyfriend could wait. But the pressure behind it said otherwise.

He softly whimpered, a noise easily misconstrued for a pleasures cry. A sound of consent. And he wasn't telling the man to back off...

So it wasn't wrong of Devan to keep going. To kiss him with an unmatched hunger. To grind against Albus until his back was sore from being pressed into the wall. To unabashedly guide his boyfriend's hand to his semi-erect crotch. To ask him to touch him _harder_ , like he wanted it.

Albus obeyed every single movement and near-command. He slipped both of their shirts off when told and groped the man through the thin fabric. He was dutiful, just as he knew he should be. But that war in his head wasn't getting any easier to cope with. Was he even allowed to back out at this point, though?

"Devan," he said in-between probing kisses, pressing a palm flat against his chest. He meant to push him away, but he couldn't bring himself to use the force. Instead, it just rested there, like a cautionary warning.

"Yeah, hold on. I'll get the lube." Devan hadn't understood the message. His movements were still rakish and pawing, all over Al's body. Even as he pulled away, he caught the younger man's bottom lip between his teeth and grinned. "Stay here."

Before Albus could even think to make another sound, he was left all alone against the wall. Staring down at the floor in confusion and shame, he rubbed at his back. It was quite sore – how long had they been kissing? He glanced at the table for a moment, no longer seeing steam rise from the food. It had to have been long enough for the warming charm to wear off.

"I grabbed this, too," Devan said as he came back a moment later, holding a shiny square wrapper up along with a bottle of clear liquid. "I mean, I trust you. I do. It's just good habit, you know?"

Staring at the wrapper, Albus frowned. No, he didn't know. He didn't even know what that _was_. He tried to tip his head to an angle where he could examine it better, but Devan was swiftly tilting his face up and melding their lips together again. "Wait," he tried to say against them, but it was too muffled to hear.

It wasn't long after they were joined once again that Devan wanted to progress things further. He reached for Albus' button and fly with obvious need, tugging on them with only slight difficulty. In no time, his trousers were around were around his ankles and he was shivering from the sudden exposure to the air.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise." The words were meant to be consoling and ease nerves. But they somehow made Albus clam up just a little bit. He nodded, but it was more out of habit than anything.

There was a click as the bottle in Devan's hand was opened that slightly jarred Al into being more present. It was a sound of almost finality which kicked his mind back into gear. He pulled back as much as he could, breaking their kisses and tried to look into his boyfriend's eyes as his coated fingers lightly ran over Al's member. He stiffened slightly, something like near-tears welling up to cloud his own eyes.

In response to the touch, Albus' cock began to harden. The ministrations did fell nice, as unwelcome as he felt they might be somewhere inside of him. Somewhere that was becoming more and more aware by the second. But it was too late to say anything. Too late to push him away. He was already reacting and he couldn't really explain why he didn't want this. It just felt _wrong_. So he closed his eyes over the wetness and let it happen. Let his body take over and do whatever was necessary to just get through for tonight.

They could discuss this ever recurring later.

The necessary steps were taken to move along the process. Gentle caresses, a small dose of prep, and constant whispers of compliments and reassurances. All of which Albus was able to block out at least from some part of his consciousness. When the wrapper Devan had brought out crinkled, he opened his eyes momentarily to watch the man roll a thin, rubbery thing out over his throbbing and waiting cock. He pulled the word 'condom' out of somewhere in the back of his mind before closing his eyes again and welcoming the darkness.

His world shifted slightly as Devan pulled on his legs. He yanked them up around the man's waist, rubbing their skin together in a way that made Al's crawl. "Cinch your legs around me. And hold on." Out of a desire not to be dropped, Albus did as he was told. He wrapped his arms tightly around his neck, resting his forehead into the crook of it as well. Hiding the shiver that ran down his spine as he felt the prick at his entrance.

It only took a few minutes. Their prolonged wait for this had paid off, it seemed, for Albus today. Devan's thrusts up into him were hard and fast to the point that he slipped out a few times. He wasn't kind or gentle as he was needy and cared too much about coming. But that wasn't necessarily what Albus wanted right now, anyway. He just wanted it over.

And it was, after that short period of time, with Devan grunting and milking his orgasm with the same hurried thrusts from before. He didn't slow down until the last trickle. At that point, Al was grateful for the condom. As he was set back down on the floor, the softening cock sliding out of him, he was happy for the lack of stick reminder between his legs. There wasn't a dribble that made him feel dirty, just the sensation of shrinking back into normality.

Well…in one area. He still wasn't sure how he was supposed to be normal after that. He just felt…awkward and couldn't form any words to say. Biting his lip, he grabbed for his pants and slipped them back on, taking a peek over at Devan. The man stood with his hand pressed against the wall, trying to calm his breath and wearing a rather proud grin. At least he had enjoyed himself….

"Thanks, baby," Devan whispered softly, pulling off the condom and letting it plop onto the floor under him. Albus winced, but said nothing. To busy himself, he went to clear the table. Stacking dishes and tossing food in the trash. Trying to ignore the ache in his backside that signified what had been done. Or the ache in his groin that told him he hadn't orgasmed. Or the ache in his back from being rammed mercilessly into a wall.

He immersed himself in his own little world, making sure the dishes were clean and the counters were wiped and the floor was spotless. Albus even picked up the condom (daintily and with only two fingers) and tossed it in the trash. There was an itch inside of him to scratch and claw at something, but he funneled that into cleaning. It was healthier, he was sure. And if he kept busy…he didn't have to look at Devan or pay attention to what he might be doing. He could just ignore him and stay preoccupied.

Just as he settled down onto his knees, preparing to spot-mop the kitchen floor, Albus felt a soft pressure on the back of his neck. He jumped, whipping his head around as Devan took a step backward. He held his hands up like he meant no harm and offered a soft smile. And he was back in that same pair of lounge pants. "Well…I think I'm going to go out tonight, anyway. You look like you could use some…alone time…."

Alone time? Albus didn't need alone time! He'd had that all day! What he needed was someone to see that he was struggling and comfort him! To ask him what was wrong! To apologize for not seeing the signs earlier and fucking him anyway. Alone time was the opposite of what he needed right now.

But he found himself saying, "Okay," with a grimaced smile in return, anyway.

The front door snapping shut did it. It broke Albus completely open inside. He slipped through the wet spot on the floor into a curled up position, his hands over his face. Harsh sobs shook his body. He felt like his heart was right next to him on the floor, rather than beating steadily in his chest as it should have been. It was detached from him.

His heart definitely had a say. It kept him from enjoying what should have been a romantic moment with his boyfriend. It took all the fun out of their sexy, quick fuck and made it into something he couldn't stand to have done. His heart cared too much and wasn't afraid to show it. And he _hated_ it. He felt like he could just die right now and be satisfied in it. That wasn't a healthy feeling for him! That type of feeling had landed him in St. Mungo's.

Choking on sobs, Albus raised himself shakily up to his hands and knees. He slid over the floor to the medicine cabinet and raised himself up by the countertop to reach it. This time, he was easily able to find both his potion and an emergency vial. He downed both greedily, trying to wipe away his tears and calm down. This was okay! He was okay! All he had to do was calm down.

Having had sex with Devan wasn't a big deal. He loved the man and wanted to give him anything he might want. That was why he had decided to do this. He just needed his heart to stop arguing with his decision-making for _once_ and understand that!

The potions coated his insides, calming his cries. Stopping the hyperventilation just as it had started. Giving a softer tinge to the world around him so he could view it without having to flinch his eyes closed. Getting him to come to terms with what had happened and see that it was indeed an okay move for him.

Getting him back to normal.

Trying to breathe evenly, Albus shuffled out of the kitchen. He left his sponge behind and settled on the couch again. Zoned out in front of the television again.

"I _am_ okay," he whispered to himself, curling his knees up to his chest as he waited for Devan to return home. "Tonight was good and I am okay…."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long story short, I was busy reading "Twist and Shout" and on an obsessive Supernatural binge, otherwise I would have posted this two days ago! But, it's here nonetheless! Read and enjoy and cry a little for our Allie. And, as always, it's wonderful to see your comments!! All of them!

"Allie! About time!"

The familiar squeal of Rose's greeting was all-too welcome. Albus couldn't help the genuine smile that graced his lips as he rushed towards her table. The instant he was seated next to her in the booth, he threw his arms around the young woman his cousin had become.

"Whoa, Mr. Huggy!" she said sweetly and squeezed him back with just as much force. Recognizing the need for love and complying with her whole heart. "You act like you haven't seen my beautiful face in forever!"

"It feels that way," Albus whispered and nuzzled deep into her auburn curls. He hadn't realized how much he missed being around his family and his friends until right now. Until he was in their presence and could see how genuinely happy they were to see him. The arms around his neck held fast to him, protecting him from any bad thoughts he might have walked in here with. Melting off the stress, relieving him for at least just that moment.

Giving a soft smile, Rose pulled back. She ran her fingers through her cousin's unruly hair and laughed. Well..." Shr shrugged and turned back towards the table. "Happy belated birthday! Right guys?"

Finally looking at the rest of those seated at the table, Albus took on a blush. He was aware of how foolish he had acted and shy waved. Both men nodded, watching him uncertainly. Like he was ready to explode at any moment.

But he was much too preoccupied with the turnout to pay much attention. Birthday dinner with his friends was a bit smaller than anticipated... Maybe he needed to make more friends.

Noticing the disappointment, Rose gently touched his shoulder. "Hey, you've got me and Louis and Frankie! Lily wanted to come but she had to leave for Quidditch camp... And Hugo was grounded for…. I don't know – something with that Muggle Internet crap. Mum was furious, Dad looked like he was going to be absolutely sick. I'm really not sure what it was, but…apparently it was slightly dangerous…." She winced and pulled a small box from the pocket of her blue jeans. "But he wanted me to give you this."

Taking the box with a tiny nod, Albus settled back into his seat. He looked up at Louis and Frankie, greeting them softly before running his fingers over the present. "The thought is appreciated," he muttered before undoing the ribbon that held it closed.

Devan hadn't given Albus a present. He bought the cupcakes, but that was it. There wasn't a single, solitary trinket to show that he had been thinking of him. So to see that his cousin, who couldn't even make it to see him in person, had bought him something made him a bit teary-eyed. And what was inside was possibly one of the sweetest things he could ever remember receiving.

Smiling, he pulled the silver chain out of the wrappings and examined the pendant dangling upon it. It perfectly matched the ring on his finger – his so-called promise ring – the delicate animal made out of red and clear, likely fake, gems. "It's beautiful," he laughed softly. "I love it!"

"It's a _bat_ ," Louis said in disgust and trailed his index finger around the rim of his glass. "It doesn't really seem to be your style…."

Rolling her eyes, Rose waved off the slight jab. "Hugo said that the bat is a…totem or something? It's supposed to be a guide through transformation. To help you understand difficult situations and give you strength to make changes. Considering the last year you've had, he thought it would be a wonderful help through your recovery process."

Even without knowing all of that, Albus still loved the idea of the pendant. It was different for him, he supposed. Harsher and darker. Stranger. But he loved it all the same, maybe even because of that. He undid the clasp, hooking it around his neck and smiling down at the glittering glint it made in the restaurant's lights. "You can tell him thank you for me, Rosie. I do love it."

Laughing, Rose nodded and looked up as their server approached. A slightly cute man just a few years older than them. And there was no denying he was good-looking or completely her type. Which could be further observed the way she automatically took on a grin and flirtatiously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Looks like we have the fourth we were waiting on. What can I get all of you to drink? We could sample some wines, if you would like." The man, doing his job, smiled back. But there was that lingering look that lasted on the only female at the table.

Which sparked Frank finally into speaking. He cleared his throat, giving Rose a testing look, even though his words were aimed for the waiter. "Just a bottle of champagne for the table. And, no, we're not ready to order."

The man jotted in his notebook for a moment before quickly turning on his heel and walking away. Wanting to get as far from the tension as possible, no doubt. Albus found himself wishing he could do just the same.

"There is no need to be rude, baby. He's just doing his job," Rose said softly, not even bothered by the shifting air around them.

"Oh, that had absolutely nothing to do with him," Frank said, leaning across the table to try and catch his girlfriend's gaze. "And everything to do with you."

It seemed being out of school, being adults, growing up – it all took its toll on this seemingly 'flawless' relationship. A relationship Albus had questioned from the beginning. Not that it made him feel good to see it crumbling…. He knew it was most likely due to Rose's need for a change of scenery quite often. And that gave him no joy at all.

"Right, because I _looked_ at the man. Right, right…."

With a sigh, Albus picked up the menu in front of him and raised his eyes to scan it. As he did, he caught Louis' and they exchanged a small look of understanding. A mix of being uncomfortable and knowing that this was not how people should act at someone's birthday. He blushed and looked away, studying the options he had to choose from. None of them looking particularly appetizing at the moment. Not when he wanted to just bolt from here.

"No, not because you looked at him, Rose. Because you fucking flirted with the asshole! I know what it looks like when you flirt. I know the little tricks you have. I'm your boyfriend, _remember_?!"

The argument was rising slightly in volume. To the point where Albus actually stood up out of the booth and looked down at his friends. Rubbing the back of his neck and unable to actually meet their gazes, he said quietly, "Is this how it's going to be? You lot invite me out for a birthday dinner and then you just…argue? It's not enjoyable for me, alright? So…I'm just going to leave. Kay?"

Their mouths open in surprise, Rose and Frank just stared at him for a moment. Then their faces flushed and they gave a wincing look to one another. "Sorry, Allie," Rose said quietly, reaching out to take her cousin's hand, pulling him back into the seat. "I didn't…. We're sorry. I swear. Just stay. We can argue later. I really do want to celebrate your birthday. I haven't seen you in _forever_."

They truly hadn't actually seen one another since graduation. Both of them – all four of them – had been quite busy getting their lives figured out. This was the first time they had sad more than a few words through letters and it was definitely something Albus did need. He wasn't sure about the rest of them, but he did miss the normality of seeing his friends and his family. Truly, he could go without seeing Louis for a year as they weren't that close. But Rose and Frank were like extensions of himself. Being away from them was torture.

Even though Frank still hadn't actually said a word to him... And he wasn't sure what that was about, but he still didn't feel comfortable enough to ask about it.

"I'll stay," Albus whispered, crawling back into the booth as the waiter came back.

Very pointedly, Rose made sure to stare only at Frank. He set four flutes on the table as well as the opened bottle of champagne and stepped back from the table. "Few more minutes?" he asked, trying to catch the woman's eye and failing.

"Yeah, thanks." Once again, Al picked up his menu and sighed down at it. Looking at every single option there was and not really seeing the words. Not comprehending what they meant. Not when there was an image of spaghetti with meat sauce on that first page. Not when all he could think about was a different room and a different table and a different bowl with the same dish inside. Not when he could vividly remember that day like it was yesterday. Not when he could feel the way he had felt that night – the touches on his skin and the kisses and the heartache. Not when all he could think about was _Scorpius_.

"We're all chipping in to pay, okay, Allie? So get whatever you want."

Nodding, Albus rubbed his eyes furiously before running his fingers through his hair. Tearing at it until he could almost feel it lifting out at the roots. Taking a deep breath and trying to push out all thoughts of the other man. Hating the way he still infected him at the most random moments.

"What are you going to get, then?"

Albus winced at the question. Shaking his head and setting the menu down. Closing it as he closed his eyes. Allowing his head to fall into his hands for a minute as he just breathed.

"Are you doing okay? Do you need me to…get you something?" The concern in Rose's voice was touching. She cared, and Al knew that. But he knew there was nothing she could do. And he didn't want to take another emergency potion – not two days in a row. At that point, it wouldn't be for emergencies anymore, would it? That would just make it a normal, daily potion. So he continued to shake his head back and forth as he gripped at his hair and forced himself to breathe like a sane person.

A few moments later, he was okay again. Well, as okay as he could be. The sick feeling had left his stomach and he was losing the need to tear out his hair in large chunks. The images and the feelings were still there, he could just…keep them subdued a bit for the moment.

As he felt the server walk back up to their table, Albus quickly reopened the menu and scanned down the list again. Finger stopping on a random item. "I'll just get the…the lasagna. And salad," he whispered and handed over the menu as everyone else rattled off their decisions as well. And then they were, thankfully, left alone again.

"Um, so…. Louis," Albus started softly. Looking to focus something or someone else. "What have you been up to? I heard something about Muggle film school?"

With a slight crease to his brow, Louis nodded. Like he was questioning not only why Albus cared but why he was here tonight at all. "Yes, much to my mother's dismay, I have chosen a Muggle career path. One that I actually am rather looking forward to. Until school starts up in the fall, though, I'm not really doing much. Lots of late night movie marathons with my roommate. Extremely exciting…."

At his side, Albus heard Rose give a snort of derision. To which Louis rolled his eyes and gave a rather soft look across the table to Al. "Yes, Rose, I know your views on my choice of roommate. I don't need to hear it again."

"It's Malfoy," Rose filled the man to her right in, watching him tense up. She then added with a sly grin, "And I'm convinced they're shagging. You know, we never could figure out who it was Malfoy was sleeping with last year..."

"For the _last_ fucking time, Scorpius and I are not sleeping together!" Louis hissed, actually slapping his hand against the flat of the table. "And we never will!"

His mind now running wild with jealousy and disgust, Albus wasn't convinced. He was sure he would never be convinced because Scorpius had every single right to move on with his life. And he had been close to Louis at school, it seemed. So why not create an intimate relationship with him? It only made sense, and that only made him curl his fists tighter in his lap.

"Would you excuse me?" he whispered more to himself than the others and quickly scrambled to his feet. Vaguely, he remembered that there was a bathroom near the entrance to the restaurant. He rushed off towards it, losing his grip on reality once again. Not that he was grasping it very tightly to begin with.

He stumbled into the restroom, grateful to find it empty. His breaths came ragged as he slipped into a stall and crashed back against the door to close it. In a matter of seconds, he was slipping on the tile floor. Crashing into a heap with his arms tossed carelessly over his knees and his head lolled to the side as he just tried to catch a _breath_.

"Albus…."

Louis' soft voice sliced through Albus like a knife. He jerked, sitting up straighter and pressing his nails into the skin showing at his ankles. Right now, he needed to be left alone. He didn't want anyone to see him falling apart – especially not someone he just knew was betraying him.

But how was he betraying him, really? They were over – he and Scorpius were over. They were done. There was nothing left to salvage there, even if he had wanted to. And he didn't! He was happy with Devan and his life right now. The phantom thoughts of an ex-lover who had used him and tossed him were a side-effect of a weak heart. He'd allowed it to break too easily. That was his fault. But he was just ready for it to stop effecting him.

"Albus, please," Louis said, gentler this time. His harsh, snappy demeanor was softened. Whether that was from the situation or age, Al wasn't sure. And truthfully, he didn't care. He didn't want to hear anything he had to said, no matter what tone he used.

The hollow sound of the other's footsteps coming closer rang like gunshots through Albus' brain. He flinched away from the door, resting back against the cool porcelain of the toilet. Without his pressure to hold it closed, the heavy metal door swung open a bit and tapped him against the leg. In the window this provided him, Louis peeked in at his cousin. He was biting his lip and wore a true expression of concern.

Very slowly sinking to his knees, Louis slipped as close to Al as he thought he was allowed. He looked like he wanted to reach out and wipe away the tears on the other's cheeks. The twitch at the corner of his lips, angling at a frown, showed that he was sure Albus didn't even know he was crying. "I wasn't lying," he said quietly, averting his eyes to the floor. Wrinkling his nose at the filth he was perked upon. "I wasn't…."

Albus didn't care. He just _didn't_. The truth or not the truth, he didn't care. Not when that ache was back in his heart. Not when no matter how hard he rubbed at his chest, it just wouldn't go away. He sniffled up snot before it had a chance to leak. "I don't care," he said, but the words were more of an incoherent hushed sound. Unintelligible and pathetic to the ear.

Sighing heavily, Louis' head falling back hard against the metal stall partition. "Yes, okay? Yes, Scorpius and I have an apartment together. That part is all true. I wouldn't dream of denying it, because he is my best mate. _But_ , he and I are not sleeping together. We have separate rooms and separate lives. And I wouldn't even _dream_ of getting involved with him romantically. Seriously..."

The words might have well been gibberish. As much as Al wanted to tell himself and everyone else that he didn't care, it was a lie. Obviously. His heart wouldn't be swelling and taking dives at the mention of his old flame's name otherwise. But what Louis was saying didn't meant a damn thing to him otherwise. It only made sense that the other man would move on past him. He had already moved on at Christmas! And he had witnessed that. So this lie meant absolutely nothing to him.

"He hasn't dated anyone since you," Louis continued, seeing the definite hesitation of belief. "And he won't. Even if I was interested in him, he wouldn't have me." Seeing that his cousin was about to open his mouth to protest – to throw a fact in his face – he quickly countered with, "And he knows you saw him with Aubadon! Okay? I'm not saying he denies that. Or that it didn't happen. It did and he regrets it. But, just so you know, sleeping with Aubadon was what sealed this whole new life he's embarked on."

It sounded like bullshit. It sounded like something a friend would say to get a guy's ex back into his life for him. Albus grimaced down at the floor. His hands hurt from gripping at his leg so hard, but the dull ache soothed him slightly. It reminded him that he was awake and alive and this wasn't a dream. He rolled his eyes, shifting his position to sit a little straighter. Feeling the ache through his body start to numb out just slightly. Whether that was a good sign or not, he wasn't sure.

"You still think I'm lying…." Louis scrubbed a hand over his face and shrugged helplessly. He pulled himself up off the floor and wiped the 'filth' off of his clothing. "Fine, believe what you will. But he's absolutely crazy about you, Albus. Scorpius loves you and…he knows you're with Devan. So he stays away. But I know that feeling hasn't gone away. He's always writing to you in that stupid leather journal…. And I'm sure you haven't looked at yours, so you wouldn't know that. But…." He sighed heavily and opened the stall door all the way.

"By the way, I'm not interested in guys," Louis added. He stepped out into the open room. Looking around to make sure they were alone.

Albus looked up at him, raising a brow. Then lifted up off the ground, as well. He wasn't sure what he had assumed about Louis. That he was gay or not. It wasn't something he had really thought about before. He and Louis didn't talk often and he couldn't ever remember hearing he was romantically involved with anyone.

"I'm not interested in girls, either. I'm not…interested in anyone in that way…." Squaring his shoulders, Louis flicked his hair out of his eyes and headed for the door. "You don't have to worry about me because I don't even have a single desire to sleep with Scorpius or anyone else. I'm involved with my future and my love of film. And I would never dream of coming between whatever the two of you have or used to have. Not on my life."

With those last few words, Louis was gone. He darted out after his confession and left Albus to try and digest what he had just heard. It was so much information for his fluttering mind to understand in such a short period of time.

Moving to the sink, Albus leaned upon the chilly surface. This whole restroom was ice cold and there was a chill running down his spine. He shivered, his hands planted upon the counter, staring down into the sink. Very slowly, his eyes lifted up to meet themselves in the mirror. Taking in the blown quality they had. Seeing the pain hidden in those shots of emerald in the sea of green. He reached up to touch them in the reflection. Then shied away from the way it made him feel to perceive himself the way others did.

He looked dark and hopeless. His body sagged like he had given up on life. Was this how he looked all the time? Did he always slouch around with his shoulders aching from the weight of the stress he carried around? Were his eyes always so lifeless and dim? Was this the way Devan saw him as he fucked him up against the wall yesterday? And did that truly make him an object of lust?

Letting out a breath through his nose, Albus turned the tap on. He let the water run for a few moments on warm before violently switching it to cold. The pressure caused the water to fleck up off the basin and hit his fingers. They were like flecks of cold glass. He suddenly realized the chill in the room came from his heated body. He was running so hot that the rest of the world seemed icy cold.

Desperate to relieve his heated temperature, he reached his hands in and carelessly splashed the water up over his face. It felt like he'd plunged his head into a frozen lake in wintertime. He gasped, struggling for air for a moment. But after that initial shock, he did start to feel a little better. His fingers gripped the countertop, finding absolution in the purchase he gained. The frantic beating of his heart began to slow. The atmosphere around him began to feel more normal. And his brain lost a bit of the fuzziness that had glazed over it.

With the more rounded understanding of the world around him, Albus looked again at himself. He still looked much the same, but there was a hint more saneness to his eyes. "Louis is not involved with Scorpius," he whispered to himself, reaching for a paper towel to blot away the wet remnants on his skin. "And that's okay. It would be okay if he was, too. It doesn't matter. I have Devan. I have a new life and a new love. And I'm okay with that. Everything is _okay_. Normal. Fine. It is what it _is_." He sighed through his nose and pushed his hair off of his face.

The unruly mop was longer than it had been when he was still in school. He would have his mother trim it down every time he came back for a break or holiday. For years, it was the same length. But ever since he checked out of St. Mungo's, he hadn't even bothered to remember to get it cut. And now it hung just past his ears, tickling the back of his neck at random moments. Giving him a much older quality that made it seem like he had been to hell and back, somehow. That he had _lived_ and now he was just ready to give up trying for a bit….

Disgusted by what he saw in the mirror, still, Albus turned away from his reflection. He rubbed his eyes and made sure his face was clear of tears before he, too, walked out of the restroom. He made his way back to the table, ready to just get the rest of the night over with. Right now, all he wanted was to go home and lie in his bed. Just stare up at the ceiling – all alone.

Devan wouldn't be there, anyway. He had said he was working out with 'friends' again tonight.

The food had already arrived by the time Albus sat back down. He stared at the salad in the middle of the table for a moment, hating the awkward silence around him. Very slowly, he scooped some of the greens onto a small plate, picking around the olives and peppers. Then set it carefully beside his lasagna and sighed softly. Slowly raising his eyes to look at everyone.

Frank was very intently staring at his soup, pushing it around in the bowl. He still wouldn't look at him…. Rose kept sneaking glances at Al, thinking he wasn't noticing. But he was – he could feel the eyes boring into him. And Louis…. Louis acted so normal. So natural. He was inside on this whole thing, so he wasn't embarrassed or lost or questioning at all. Just…eating and going on about his life as normal.

"S-so…. So, Frankie?" The man didn't look up, but Albus plowed on. "Um…you and Rose getting a place together any time soon?"

He already knew the answer to that question. Rose would have told him if they had plans like that. And the rocky road it seemed their relationship was on wouldn't have allowed that. Which was why when the man didn't answer, he didn't ask again. He did wince, though, and plowed into his food. Sitting in the depressing silence and feeling utterly out of place.

When this night started, he had been sure that being around these people would help him put his spiraling mind back together. But now, as he sat in silence and barely touched his food, he wasn't so sure anymore. And it didn't even have to do with the fact that Scorpius had been mentioned. It was more because…they weren't what he needed right now.

Which meant, he wasn't even sure anymore what he did need.

"Well…," he said as the night ended. They were standing outside, everyone but Louis clutching a takeout container because they hadn't had the appetite to finish eating. The tension between them was awkward, causing the hug Rose gave Albus to feel like a vice grip. He wriggled out of it with a fake smile and gave fake promises of doing this again soon. Attempting to ignore the look Frank was giving him of disgust and hate.

And then stepping away from all three of them without a backwards glance. Walking back to his empty apartment to hear it echo with his lonely footsteps as he undressed and made tea. It was hollow, just like him. And that only made him feel even worse.

Devan didn't return home until late. Later than Albus had expected, but he waited up anyway. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so why not? He sat in the same spot on the couch for hours, clutching the tea that had gone cold long ago just so he could feel something real. When the front door opened, he tilted his head towards it with a glazed look in his eyes. Setting the mug aside and standing, stepping slowly up to his boyfriend.

The man watched him, not even saying a word. Just watched with his eyes looking tired and heavy. He was keeping secrets, but that was a problem for another day. With measured actions, Albus stopped in front of him, tilting up on tip-toe to slip his fingers first through the familiar scruff before sliding into his hair. For a moment, they just locked eyes. Albus bleeding his need and helplessness into the other, begging for a relief. Just begging for help.

Begging to be mindless and normal for just _once_.

"I need-" His words were cut off as Devan locked their lips together. His hands were at the small of Al's back, tugging him closer. Pressing their bodies flush and gripping into him so hard it could bruise. He thought he knew what the younger man needed.

An escape.

But, really, all Albus had been asking for was to be held. To be consoled. To be talked to and told he was loved. To know someone was there for him, listening to him.

Devan stepped forward, causing Al to trip backwards over his own feet. The steps they made were long and quick, aimed for the bedroom. In no time, the backs of his knees were slammed into the edge of the bed. From there, he had no hope to resist. His body took over, understanding the actions to take and going through them. It was mechanical, but he stayed checked in this time.

This time he could feel every movement made and felt pleasure as he knew he should. He allowed himself to be free enough to enjoy it, even just for the time being. Rocking back into Devan, mirroring the thrusts, in order to feel like he was an active part. Gripping at the pillows every time that sensitive spot was grazed, knowing he wasn't feeling it as intensely as he should. Grateful he was on his knees facing away from the other man so he didn't have to allow reality to sink in. He could pretend he didn't know who was fucking him. He could pretend his life was normal and he was in some crappy, little apartment with a man he actually had feelings for.

Scorpius.

But deep down, he still knew who was buried inside of him. He still knew that the grunts of exertion and pleasure came from a man who was not his love. Sure, he loved Devan, but it was still different. And it still didn't help him to cry out in ecstasy when he came. It wasn't harsh or all-empowering. It just…happened. Like breathing and needing to consume water. His body was just out with it and then…it was over.

The small, satisfied smile on Devan's lips made Albus cringe. He was cuddled up against the man's naked chest, settled in the filth of their act. He was face-to-face with the sleeping breaths and the sleepy smile that he just wished would go away. Why was it, that even when he was asleep, Devan still looked more adjusted and happy than him?

Having been interested in the sex they had just had might help….

Biting his lip, Albus disentangled their legs and pulled his arms out of Devan's grip against his chest. He crawled out of bed, slipping out of the room. Going to the kitchen and sucking down his dose for the night. And after that…. Well, he just stood there for a while. He stood and stared at the floor; at the countertop and the crumbs he felt he should clean up; at the fridge when it made the heavy sound of ice dropping into the reservoir.

Albus didn't want to go back to bed and sleep next to the man that smelt like him. But he didn't want to stand out here and get the whiffs of Devan's stench, either. A shower sounded nice, but that would require movement. And all he wanted to do at that moment just…stand and stare.

He was lost. He was losing everything. What he had thought he wanted, was not what he wanted. Today was teaching him that he definitely did still have feelings for Scorpius. Even though he had given up on that man long ago. And those feelings were definitely stronger than the ones he had for Devan. He was seeing him everywhere he looked and it panged his heart every time.

He so badly wanted to forget about that man. Everything he was doing here attested to that. But he just _couldn't_. Why couldn't he?

That night, Albus didn't sleep a wink. He resumed his spot on the couch, again sitting with a swiftly cooling cup of tea. Lost and consumed by his thoughts, he sat there and stared at one single spot on the floor. And when Devan woke in the morning, asking what time he had woken up, he only shrugged.

He rubbed at his face, feeling the weight of a dreamless night in his heavy eyes and the ache in his bones. His skin felt rough and unnatural as he stood, carrying a blanket with him to cover the nakedness. And the day went normal after that. Or…as normal as things were for Albus when he was mentally checked out. He went through the routines of eating when he was supposed to, taking his potions, going to work.

And the routines lasted the same for weeks. Always the same – sleepless night, 'wake', down coffee, fill time with books and mindless activities, work, make dinner, sex, try to sleep. And that was the end of it. Albus took comfort in the process, only because he knew what was coming. And because he didn't have to work too hard to make sense of his life.

He didn't talk to anyone. He barely made conversation with Devan. But somehow the man didn't notice – or didn't care. And that's just how it was. What was there to do about it? Albus could go insane thinking he needed to change it all, but in the end…this was better than nothing. It was better than going out of his mind.

This was good for now. For now…Albus could handle this.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys will like this one better than the last few (as far as the feels go...). Be sure to let me know all about it and leave a comment! ;)

Another night alone. All of Albus' nights were spent alone nowadays. Well…most of them. Devan was usually out at night, lately. He always said the same thing, too – out at the gym with friends. And Al knew he was lying. Maybe he went there sometimes. But every night? When some nights he came home smelling of wine more than sweat?

But it was okay. Albus didn't mind. If he was cheating on him, then…he was okay with it. He had told himself it was fine because he was losing his grip on this relationship, too. He was sure that showed, even though they never spoke about it. All they did was kiss and fuck and sort of cuddle at night. They went on dates, but hardly spoke. And that was just fine.

Albus didn't feel a lot like talking lately. He was actively tuned out. He still went through all the same actions as before, now including having sex even though it turned his stomach. But he just wasn't _there_.

He was a hollow shell of a ghost.

This night was no different than they usually were. Devan had come home from work and changed into his workout clothes. He kissed him once, just barely on the lips, before rushing back out the door.

Knowing this routine, Albus settled down with his newest book on the couch. He sighed heavily, sipping at hot cocoa and idly flipping a page. Listening to music that he wasn't even hearing and didn't much care about. It was just something that was on the radio for background noise. Just so he felt like there was another presence in the apartment with him.

At first, Albus didn't even place the sound correctly. He was so used to the usual silence he surrounded himself in that the noise actually sounded too distant to be in the flat. He frowned, looking up towards the bedroom. The door. The bathroom?

Carefully setting his mug and his novel aside, Al raised himself up off the couch. He stretched his back, still trying to gather where the tinkling sound was coming from.

_The kitchen…._

In absolutely no hurry, Albus slipped around the wall into the kitchen. He stared around the small, dark room, absolutely lost. Then glimpsed a faint glow from the countertop. His hand went for the Muggle cell phone lying there face down, illuminating his face harshly. Squinting his eyes, he just kept staring down at the thing as it continued to ring.

Albus had only answered the thing once before. Only when Devan had put it in his hands months ago and called it to show him what it did and how to work it. It was meant to be a quick form of communication, he supposed. But he'd rather write a letter or just…wait. There was nothing so urgent in his life as of late that he couldn't wait. But Devan said that if work needed to contact him, or vice versa, he needed to have a phone on him. Or if Devan himself ran into trouble, this line of communication would come in handy.

Vaguely, he remembered having given the phone number to people he knew. Just a few – his parents, Lily, James, Rose. Just in case, for some reason, they needed it. But no one had a number to give back, as far as he had been aware. To this day, the only contacts in the list were Devan and the bookstore.

He wasn't too confused, then, to see that it was an unknown number that showed up on the caller I.D. before the tinkling ring faded out. Then came three beeps in a row along with a message that told him he had four missed calls. He had missed four calls because he hadn't been able to figure out what he was hearing. That's how checked out from the world he was.

Who so desperately wanted to get ahold of him that called that many times within the past few minutes?

As if in answer, the phone began to make the noise again in Al's hand. He jumped at the sound, louder now that he was closer and just stared. Debating on whether to answer or not, as he had no idea who could even be on the other line?

But, in the end, he figured he might as well give it a chance. What else did he honestly have to do with his night?

"Hello?" he whispered, pressing the answer button on the screen just as the phone was on its last ring. He remembered after the soft greeting that he couldn't just talk at the piece of Muggle technology and quickly brought it up to his ear. "Uh…h-hello?"

For a moment, there was no answer. Just a shuffling noise that disturbed the peace around Albus. Caused a ripple in his quiet sanctuary. He frowned, pulling the phone away from his ear to look at it. It still said he was on a call…. So he raised it back up to his ear and repeated the question.

"Albus!"

The acknowledgement was quite abrupt and quite loud in Al's ear. He winced, pulling the heavy object in his hand back a bit before slowly settling it up against his skin again. The tone he recognized as belonging to Louis. The soft French accent layered with a British center that came off as snobbish and impatient. But tonight it was also caked with another quality. Something that thickened his tongue and made him slightly more receptive.

Clearing his throat, Albus leaned back against the counter. Someone must have given his number to Louis. That made sense. They were family, after all. "Louis," he said simply in response, the fingers of his free hand tapping upon the hard surface under him.

For a moment, all he could hear was background noise. It was loud and obnoxious with a bassy undertone that repeated over and over again. Suggesting that Louis was somewhere public and raucous. Then came the soft, loose laugh that again made him pull slightly back from the sound. "Hey! I, uh…. I have somebody here that wants to talk to you!" Everything the other man said was like a boom. Either he was trying to compensate for the noise around him, or he wasn't aware of his volume. Whichever it was, Albus was getting slightly annoyed.

And the mention of Louis having someone he knew that wanted to talk to Albus was enough to bring him into full shut down. He looked towards the medicine cabinet, knowing his emergency potion was there in case he needed it.

Already, it felt like his skin was on fire. He wasn't sure what the emotion underneath that was, but he knew it was harsh and burned white-hot. So warm it was making his palms sweat, loosening his grip on the phone just slightly. Noticing this, he held harder and sighed into the receiver. "Look, Louis," he whispered as another shuffling noise slammed his hearing. "I'm not really in the mood for this…."

"Hello, Allie…."

Everything inside of Albus suddenly iced completely over at the sound of that particular voice. It was slurred and imperfect, but he would know it in any form. It was a voice that called up painful memories with one decibel, bringing him crashing to his knees. He swore he'd heard something crack, but maybe that was just the fragile bubble he had created shattering around him. Or some deep chasm containing every single memory and feeling he'd stowed away about this particular man on the phone.

"You're breathing really hard," Scorpius giggled. Yes, he actually giggled. Not like a flustered, little schoolgirl. No, it was more of a hearty and enthused sound that lacked caution. "Am I doing that?"

" _I think you are_ ," he heard Louis whisper. He must have been close at his side. Was he listening in?

Covering his mouth, Albus shrank against the cabinets at his back. He tried to breathe quieter, but it was difficult when he had to keep even _telling_ himself to breathe.

" _Wait, I think you're supposed to be serious. This is a serious matter, Scor. You have to be_ serious _. Stop laughing!_ " This, of course, only increased the fit on the other end. Following was possibly the sharp hint of a slap, quieting the laughs. " _No, really. Stop laughing, Scorpius! He'll hang up on you!_ "

 _How do I hang up?_ Albus thought to himself, pulling the phone away from his ear just to stare at it. But with his vision so blotchy and his hands so shaky, he couldn't figure it out. Did he want to figure it out?

"Don't hang up!" Scorpius said quickly, causing Al to cautiously bring the object back up so he could hear properly. "Don't hang up…. It's not funny. Really. It's not."

"You're drunk," Albus uttered as the thought came into his head. It was why they both lacked their usual ease of speaking. The words were forced – still flawless, but forced. Like they had to think very carefully to get the syllables to form correctly. Their tongues were heavy with alcohol and clearly they were having a good time. So they had called Albus, for a bit of fun. That's all he was anymore – a crazy source of entertainment.

Holding back a hurt, weak noise, Albus stayed on the line. He told himself it was just going to be for a few more minutes, because this ache in his heart was painful. Mostly, he just wanted to know what it was the other had to say. Somewhere deep, deep down, he was actually interested in why he would ever get a call from a drunken Scorpius. There was curiosity eating at his insides, begging to be recognized. But all he could feel was the absolute anguish this communication was causing him. Ripping apart all of those stitches over his heart.

Again, Louis gave a sparking laugh. " _Yes, because it's fun, Allie! Do you remember what fun is?_ "

A sting. A slap to the face. A harsh realization that Albus might not even understand that concept anymore. He gave a mindless chuckle, not even understanding the humor in this. The fact that he was miserable and had lost all sense of worldly pleasures wasn't funny. It was just sad. He was sad. Pathetic.

"Lou, would you shut up?" With a heavy sigh, Scorpius shuffled on the other end again. In the span of a minute, the background noise faded. The throbbing music was still there, but it was only a mere blip on the spectrum. The most distracting sound now coming from that end was the fact that someone was taking deep, measured breaths. Calming themselves. Steeling themselves. "Albus, are you still there…?"

The pain of hearing that voice softer, kinder and more genuine than he had heard it in a long time, was worse than anything else Albus had felt this night. He rubbed at his chest again, shaking his head back and forth. The keen that fell from his lips was absolutely unnatural. "Y-yeah," he choked out, reaching up to wipe away free-flowing tears that quickly replenished themselves.

Albus supposed the sigh of relief could be calming. It could have showed him some sort of sign or light. But to him it was just heartbreak all over again. "It's good to hear your voice," Scorpius said softly, his voice still seeming with alcohol. But he was more subdued than he had been a moment ago. "Really good, actually. Merlin…."

"Why are you calling?" Albus snapped. His voice was tight and harsh, trying to smooth over the reopening wounds inside of himself. "Why would you call me?"

"Because I'm in love with you," Scorpius said gently. There was a quality to his voice that said he was also having difficulty with his conversation. That his heart was also having problems dealing with this. "And Louis joked that we should call you. He got this Muggle contraption for film school or something and…said your father gave him your number. It was just supposed to be a joke. Just a stupid joke…. But…I didn't anticipate how hearing your voice would feel."

If words could come through a phone call and soothe a person's soul, it would have felt like this. Al was sure of it. He covered his mouth again to hide his soft wail of longing. The sudden swell of intense need to hold this man and be _held_. Not to sleep with him, not to even kiss him. Just to feel those arms around him, clutching so tightly it hurt…. "I don't even want to speak to you, Malfoy," he lied, but only because it felt better. It helped to keep him in check.

"I missed your birthday…."

The idea was almost laughable. That Scorpius would even care to remember when his birthday was. That he would make certain to mention that he remembered. What was that even supposed to mean to Albus? Was he supposed to be happy? Sad? The choice between the two seemed pretty black and white, yet he couldn't help but to feel like he was somewhere in the middle grey about it. It was why he chose to say nothing.

As his own silence continued, Al found himself shifting. His position changed from having the linoleum dig into his knees. Instead, he took a careful perch upon his backside, leaning against the cabinets in a more comfortable pose. Sinking into a better frame of mind as well as posture.

"I, uh…. I would have done something special, you know. I mean…." Scorpius cleared his throat and Al swore he could hear the shrug of his shoulders. Could see his eyes dancing with that soft, silver gleam. He was mischievous, and yet…kind…. "I mean, I bet your guy – Devan, was it? – did something special, too. I don't doubt that. I'm sure if you chose to be with him…he's wonderful. He has to be everything I'm not, right? He has to be everything I just could not give you when we were together. It sickens me, but I have to believe that's the truth of it. Otherwise, you wouldn't choose someone else. I have to believe you're with someone better than I ever was.

"But, that's beside the point." The smile was palpable through the speaker. Crackling itself in Albus' ears and infecting him, as well. He didn't want to smile or take any joy in those words. How was he supposed to help it, though? "If I had been there for your birthday…. If I had the honor of calling you mine like I wish for every morning when I wake and every night when I close my eyes and see your face, here's what I would have done…."

Scorpius painted a brilliant picture with his words. They all came out in a flurry of passion and undeniable heartache. He told of waking him in the morning with some sort of fancy coffee and a biscuit that he fed to him in pieces. Interlaced with the bites were probing, loving kisses that always left him craving more. He spoke of them not needing to share any words in this exchange, their soft smiles and chuckles saying more than they could ever hope to speak.

After they had grown tired of this lazy morning in bed, they would have shared a shower together. Steamy and full of lingering touches. Their bodies close as they helped to clean one another. But never going further than the simple grazes of a hand. Gearing them up for something more to come later. Letting the thought of something intense fuel them through the day.

The rest of the morning and afternoon would have been spent around Muggle London as well a Diagon Alley. They would have shopped, merely browsing at windows because they needed nothing more than their close proximity, until their feet grew tired. A quick lunch would be eaten as they went, Scorpius reminding Albus constantly that they would have a meaningful dinner later to make up for the speed of it.

When it came time for this dinner, Scorpius would lead Albus up atop some hill somewhere. Making him walk and hike while holding his hand to keep him going. Encouragements that it would be worth it would be muttered whenever the other wanted to give up.

And in the end, it would all definitely be worth it. Just as the sun began to set, they would reach Scorpius' stopping point. Sitting atop the hill would be a blanket laid out with a picnic basket. Inside – everything that Albus loved prepared with absolute precision and care by Scorpius himself. They would sit and watch the sun set, eating and enjoying a bottle of smooth, sweet wine. And when the stars began to shine brilliantly in the sky, they would abandon all thoughts of food in favor of deep kisses and gentle caresses. Under those stars, they would make the most passionate love they'd ever experienced. Ending in a toe-curling finality, their fingers grasping at whatever they could reach. Lips touching skin wherever they could.

The walk home, because apparating was too fast and harsh after a beautiful day, was quiet. When they shared words, they were soft and calculated. Their fingers never lost grip on one another. And their hearts were never closer. The two would return to bed, naked and wrapped up so close under the covers that they wouldn't even know where one started and the other ended. And just before Albus drifted off to sleep, Scorpius would press his lips to the man's forehead and whisper a soft "Happy birthday, my love."

By the end of the detailed explanation, Albus was absolutely shaking with his sobs. It sounded beautiful…. He had covered the mouthpiece to the phone the instant he started to feel the hitch in his chest. There was no way he wanted Scorpius to hear what this was doing to him. If he did, he would know that his birthday expectations hadn't even come close to being met this year. That this sounded like a dream in comparison. A dream that he wished he'd had a chance to experience.

"I know I shouldn't tell you that…. I know I shouldn't desire for anything so passionate or loving from you. Not when I messed up so badly over Christmas. I know it was my fault that you ended up…sick…. I know you saw what happened. And I _know_ that I don't deserve you anymore. I pushed you away." There was a choking tone to Scorpius' voice. It softened to nothing more than a whisper. "I pushed you away…and into another man's arms. A man I'm sure you deserve because he sounds loving and wonderful and is brilliantly attractive…."

Devan was attractive. He had a way of carrying himself that demanded attention, even though his shoulders were always sagging with his insecurities. He was very good at hiding what he was actually feeling and thinking. His eyes were a blue that was as vivid as Albus' green. And the facial hair scruffing up his jaw surrounded him with this mature edge that was alluring. The fact that he was pleasing to the eye wasn't something that could just be denied.

But in comparison to Scorpius' soft features, perfect platinum curls, slightly crooked canines, dark eyelashes, and powerful muscles…. This all meant nothing.

"Tell me you're happy."

"I'm happy," Albus said reflexively. It was a lie – he was the furthest thing from happy or content or even okay. Al was a mess that just wasn't getting any better. He was trying, he _really was_. But something just wasn't quite clicking into place. And this phone call just was not going to help that.

The broken sigh that Scorpius gave perfectly echoed Al's heart. More than anything right now, he just wished he could reach out and grasp onto this man. Hold him close and feel what they were experiencing together. He wanted to run to him and be with him and never look back.

But he just _couldn't_. Albus was with Devan for a reason. This was what he needed and he couldn't just give up everything he had worked for since last December for his unreliable heart. Scorpius would only bring more heartache. His crashing pulse and wracking chest were signs for that. He still loved this man…but he could _not_ do this again….

"Albus…. I love you, okay? So much that I told my parents about you before I came back for school. I gave up everything I was expected to be because I knew I was destined to be with you. I'm sure you read that in Louis' letter…. You did read the letter, right?"

"Yeah…."

"Okay, so you know that already. But I just need you to hear me say it. Even if nothing comes of it…I need you to hear it. And I've been writing you every single day! I'm sure you've locked away your journal, but…. I ran out of pages last week. I had been filling margins and empty spaces when I could, but I just can't find any more room. And now I feel like I'm lost because I can't figure out what to do with myself…. I mean, I keep busy. I have an apprenticeship with my father. But writing to you kept me kind of…going. I know you weren't reading, but even just the hope that you were seeing what I had to say…."

Albus sighed heavily, then jumped when a loud beeping erupted in his ear. Jumping, he looked at the screen and frowned at a warning message. "Uh…Sco- Malfoy…. It's telling me I have 5 percent battery left. I think…. I think my phone is going to die…."

The letdown Scorpius felt was palpable. Al's heart reached out for him, but he reigned it back in quite quickly. "Right," Scorpius said softly, sounding tired all of a sudden. "Um…I suppose I should hang up, then…. Merlin, I don't want to. I could talk at you all night. I know you haven't said much, but the little you do say…."

"I have to go," Albus stressed, hearing the beeping again. He didn't want to hang up, either. But maybe that was a reason that he _should_. He was with Devan. Devan was keeping secrets from him, but he didn't want to reciprocate. He just wanted to continue to live his life as 'normal' as it had been since leaving St. Mungo's. "I _have_ to. And…. I need you to not call me again. I'm with Devan. I can't have you calling me every time you get drunk to tell me you love me."

Tears were still falling down Albus' cheeks as he said this. He was just hoping that Scorpius wouldn't hear it.

"Right…. Right, you're right. I won't call again. I promise." Scorpius sighed heavily through his nose and struggled for a moment for words. "Right," he repeated. "It was still nice to hear your voice. And I still love you. Make sure that Devan takes extra care of you, okay? Um…I'm going to…hang up now…. Okay, uh, bye…."

The line went dead not two seconds later. With it, Albus' heart felt like it flat-lined, as well. He groaned like a dying animal. Not long after that, the screen on his phone flashed a goodbye as well and went completely dark. Seeing this, his world felt like it crashed down around him. He slid further down the cabinet, ending up sprawled out on the cool kitchen floor, taking in ragged breaths. Feeling like a piece of him was missing again, which meant for those few minutes he had been speaking to the other man, he had once again felt whole.

Scorpius made him feel whole.

In good conscience, that night Albus couldn't have sex with Devan. Scorpius was too firmly in his mind. That visual he had created with the perfect day was still in his mind. He knew if he was touched in an intimate way by his boyfriend, all he would be able to call to mind was Scorpius. He'd flinch away. So he'd feigned a stomachache and curled up tight all to himself on his own side of the bed.

The next few nights after that, Albus couldn't sleep. He couldn't have sex with Devan. He couldn't bring himself to look at his boyfriend the same way. He took emergency potions daily, hoping they'd kick him back into the right gear somehow. But nothing worked.

And he had a feeling that nothing will ever work….


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Scor's point of view! Not sure whether you guys enjoy these different perspectives, but it gives a bit of variety and insight to the story, I think. So please enjoy and please, as always, let me know what you think! I thank everyone for their wonderful support thus far. 3 You guys absolutely rock.  
> Side note, for anyone out there who happens to enjoy the television show Supernatural, look forward to a new fic coming soon that falls into this fandom. It might come before the new chapter for this or after - I'm not sure right now. But, I'm just very excited to announce that I have begun to work on it :D

Every single day, the ache of losing Albus dulled just slightly. Scorpius wouldn't say he was getting over the man. He would, however, say that he was coping. There was still a small bit of hope that he kept tucked inside, just in case he needed it someday. In case the other changed his mind and came to him one day.

Every day since shortly after sending the letter to Al at St. Mungo's, he had been writing to him. That journal was a brilliant piece of work on his part. But he still wasn't getting any answers. Even after he had told Albus about writing, nothing changed within the leather covers. But he hadn't really expected it to. He had filled up every single crack and crevice he could. There was no room left for Albus to even reply in.

But he still checked it at least twice a day to make sure.

And he still kept a new notebook (nothing fancy, just something cheap and spiral-bound) filled with all of the letters he wrote afterwards. Someday Albus might want to read them….

"You're getting obsessive," Louis muttered to Scorpius one morning in October. He was completely filled in on everything that went through Scorpius' head about his cousin. Louis was the closest person he had to talk to. And, unfortunately, that meant he always received a constant earful.

Scorpius sighed and looked up from the packed pages of the journal. He reached for his cup of orange juice without looking at it, fingers closing around it blindly as he shrugged at Louis. "Sorry?" he whispered, definitely not meaning it. "Can you blame me?"

Snorting, Louis sat down across from his friend at the dining room table. "Yes, I can, because I am not driven by the wills of my cock." He raised a brow in challenge to which he received a gob of oatmeal flung at his face. Wincing, he just sat there as it dripped down his forehead to his cheek.

"I am not driven by the wills of my cock," Scorpius hissed, a shit-eating grin upon his lips. "I'm driven by my soul. The very deepest part of me. Not that I don't find him attractive, because I absolutely do. But it's…deeper than that, you know?"

He sighed, knowing that he sounded like a love-struck teenager. Knowing that he had been through an extreme change in the last year. No longer was he the jerk that guarded his feelings. He didn't put up walls and block out what he was actually thinking. Coming out to his parents – telling them everything – had been therapeutic. It was like…cleansing himself and allowing things to happen as they were destined.

And being with Albus was his true destiny.

"Thank you," Louis muttered, wiping the cereal off with a napkin as best he could. A few chunks stayed behind, clinging to strawberry blonde strands of hair, but he seemed not to notice or care. "And, no, I don't know. I don't understand why you pine after that fruity ball of absolute Sybil-level crazy. Yeah, he's my cousin and I feel bad for the kid, but…. Honestly, you could find someone better. He seems...okay with where he is at and so should you. And you definitely don't have to obsess over him in hopes that one day it could pay off. You know that guy two houses down? The cute, bookish one that sits on his porch swing with his little Muggle screen thing of his? He walks his dog past our house every single morning. And always at the time that you happen to be heading out to your apprenticeship." He tilted his head at an angle, clearly hinting at something.

Uninterested, however, Scorpius literally waved it off. He slowly ran his fingers over the worn leather cover and gave a wistful sigh. His mined wasn't really there. What his friend had to say didn't really matter. He knew he was wrong.

"He's interested in you, idjit!" Louis rolled his eyes, pushing up off the chair. "He walks past at that specific time on purpose! And he always greets you, right? Always smiles and gives you that cute, little wave…. Maybe it's time for you to move on?"

Moving on sounded like a shock of reality. Scorpius was okay at handling reality – he wasn't likely to fall apart over it. And he supposed that was the difference between him and Albus. Something that made them kind of compatible was maybe that he could actually see what was wrong with the world and take it in stride. He wouldn't go so far as to say he was normal, but he definitely had a better grip on life. But moving on? That sounded like something that was just out of his capacity to handle in a healthy way.

Truly, moving on meant that he was to forget about what he was feeling. It had taken him so long to even come to terms with all of it. Why would he ever want to let go of that? That would be just like ripping something out of his chest that kept him going day-to-day. Like getting rid of his own life force and reason for living.

It was practically impossible.

"At least try, alright? I'm so tired of seeing my best mate cry over a boy who can't come enough to his senses to come crawling back to someone he actually loves. Just promise me that you will at least try. At least _try_ to forget about Albus - for a little bit, at _least_."

How does someone go about forgetting the one they love for just a little bit? Frowning, Scorpius bobbed his head up and down in consent. If he was causing Louis some sort of distress, he could say he would try. Even though he knew it wasn't going to work.

~*~

The date with the boy a few houses down wasn't _terrible_. The boy was sweet and kind and definitely kept a better head than Albus. He was incredibly smart and worked at a library. The similarities between him and Scorpius' actual love were only subtle. They both loved books, had dark hair that didn't seem to want to lie in place, and carried an intense need for love and affection. But this boy, Landon was his name, didn't have that surprising layer of muscle to tone him into more than just a skinny nerd. And his eyes were a quite blasé shade of brown that didn't keep Scorpius' attention for more than a few seconds.

He wasn't Albus. As much as Scorpius tried to compare them, he wasn't even close. And that was all he could think about as the boy stumbled after him into his bedroom. "I've never done this," he giggled, looking around the pristinely clean room as Scorpius kicked the door shut. He was sure that if he was going to try and get over Al, he had to at least go the full mile. Even if it did sort of sicken him….

"I'm a good teacher," Scorpius whispered, setting his teeth for a moment to Landon's neck before pulling back. Once again looking at his eyes and sighing. "Could you excuse me a moment?"

Landon nodded and took a step back, biting his lip in what could be an adorable way. "Sure. Um…I'll be here…." He giggled again, and Scorpius realized it must be something he did to cope with being nervous.

Scrubbing a hand over his tired face, Scorpius slipped out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. He closed the door slowly behind him and just leaned against it, forcing himself to breathe. To tell himself that this was okay and if he wanted to be happy, he would have to go through with this. Not that he had to settle down with Landon after this. He just needed to take the step to getting over Albus. Just a step.

"I'm not forgetting you, Allie. I'm not…," he muttered, pushing up off the door and running the water in the sink. After splashing his face to wake up his mind, he turned it off again and grabbed lube from a drawer. His excuse for running out.

Reentering his bedroom took all of Scorpius' will. He steeled his gut and turned the knob, very gently closing the door this time. Landon sat upon the edge of the bed, his eyes pretty wide and wild. Like he'd seen a ghost...

"Alright, Landon?" Scorpius breathed softly, coming to sit beside him. Running his fingers delicately through the boy's hair.

Very slowly, the other bobbed his head up and down. He didn't turn to look at Scorpius or even acknowledge his hand. There was something more distracting on his mind. "Who's Allie?" he whispered, afraid of the answer he would receive.

As he should have been. Eyes narrowing and sliding to a harsh, lifeless grey color, Scorpius stood and stared down at the boy. "Excuse me?!" he hissed. "Why would you...? Where did you...?!" He knew he hadn't mentioned the name. And Louis was out of the night.

Those brown eyes that lacked anything interesting or desirable landed on the open spiral-bound notebook on the bedside table. The only thing not put away in a proper place in the entire room. "I didn't mean to snoop. But...it was there... It looks like you write to him a lot. And the things you say..."

For a moment, Scorpius struggled to remember what he had written that day. The days blurred together, anymore. But they eventually came to him and he blushed upon realization. The other day had been the anniversary of their first 'date'. It was what he thought about that morning. It was all he could think about until he put the words on the page.

"I-I can't do this," he said quietly and reached for the notebook. "I think you should go..." But Landon was already on his way out. He had already realized that this wasn't going to work and didn't want to stay to see it come crashing down. He ran from the house like he was trying to escape the plague, his footsteps only a fleeting thought in Scorpius' mind.

The tube of lube in his hand crashed to the floor carelessly as Scorpius seated himself again on his bed. He scooted up to the pillows, lying back with a mournful sigh as he reread his own words.

_Allie,_

_I have a date tonight. Louis set it up - I don't want to go. I feel like if I go, I'll be trying to forget you. But could I even ever do that?_

_Do you remember our first date? I don't think I could ever do that with anyone else now. Make them food, that is. It seems too special to just us. I cook for Louis, but that's different. He's a friend and he sort of can't do much on his own... I think his parents spoilt him. I mean...mine did, too. To an extent. At least I know how to make food and keep my room clean._

_Two days ago would have been a year anniversary for us. I would have considered it to be our anniversary, at least. But not anymore. Well...I still do, but I know that you don't. You're with him now. You have wonderful, fun dates with him. He cooks for you and gives you wine and makes bedroom eyes at you over the table. He kisses you and takes your breath away and makes you blush. His spunk gives you hiccups when you swallow and his cock causes you to confess your love. You're doing everything with him that I desired for us since then. Both realized and unrealized at the time. And I... I am going on a date with a kid who reminds me of you in ways that make me want to walk away because he definitely isn't you._

_You've come so far since a year ago. You're happy, you say. And I just sit here in my bed every morning writing letters that you will never see._

_I should have realized my feelings before. I've said this so many times in the letters, but I can't help but to wish it enough. If only I had been who I am now back then, things could have been different for us. And that is my biggest regret._

_I don't know what you're doing today. But I know that I will be on a date with someone who could never measure up to you. That's because no one could ever hope to do that. So, I hope you enjoy whatever you have in store for today. And I (selfishly) hope you at least think of me._

_I will be thinking of you at every turn._

_Love you with all my heart,_

_Scorpius_

No wonder Landon ran... Running his fingers through his hair, he set the notebook aside and rested fully against his pillows. Staring at the ceiling, he couldn't help but to feel relieved about the night. Landon was fine - there was nothing really wrong with him. And under better circumstances, maybe he could have dated him. But this date tonight had really actually just sealed his decision to wait. No matter how long it took, he could wait for Albus.

And until then, he could work his ass off to be the best potioneer he could be. Maybe one day he could even have his own a potionry. He could make his way in the world and be well-respected enough for someone to desire him. The Potters and Weasleys could come to love him. All he had to do was prove himself.

~*~

"Is he still sleeping in there, then?"

Scorpius' hand stilled in stirring scrambled eggs, looking over at the two plates he'd put on the counter. Louis' question caused him to freeze just long enough to recall the night before. Clearing his throat, he shook his head and continued. "Uh...no. Landon didn't stay last night... This other plate was for you."

"He didn't stay... So you fucked him last night, right?" Louis settled up against the counter at Scorpius' right, reaching for his friend's cup of coffee and taking a hearty sip. His eyes were rimmed with bruises from a lack of sleep and his whole body sort of sagged. Since starting school, he'd been pulling some late nights. They were definitely starting to show. "He just left after?"

"Not exactly..." Scorpius visibly winced, turning the burner dial until the flame extinguished. He busied about scooping a good helping of the eggs mixed with bacon onto each plate and placing bread in the toaster, knowing that Louis was giving him a death glare. Knowing just what he was thinking. "Before you say anything, you need to know that I tried. I was all set to do it..."

Sighing heavily and rubbing his temple, Louis turned away to pour his own mug of coffee. "And what happened to stop it?"

The explanation for that question brought an almost crippling pain to Scorpius' stomach. He knew he would have to admit the real reason... "Um," he started, buttering the toast after it popped up. "Well...he found my notebook. Or...well, I guess I left it open for him to see. Not on purpose! It just... It was an unfortunate accident..."

"You're a fucking idiot."

The venom in Louis' voice was only half real. Nevertheless, when he stalked out of the room, Scorpius couldn't help but to feel humiliated. He took his plate to the table and pushed his food around, unable to focus anymore in order to actually eat it.

Yes, he was aware that he was a bit stubborn and kind of was an idiot. But he couldn't help it. Albus was too much the center of his world for him to resist the boy taking over his life. Was that such a bad thing?

Not but a few moments later, heavy clash of an object hitting the table in front of Scorpius pulled him from his stupor. He blinked for a moment, looking back at Louis who was giving a cocky smile, then turned back to examine what it was.

A phone. Well, not just any phone - Louis' cell phone. The same one Scorpius had used to call Albus on nearly two months ago. He just stared at the black chunk of Muggle technology, recalling the conversation from that night with perfect clarity. It was a night he wasn't likely to forget any time soon. "You should call him again," he heard his friend whisper behind him around a mouthful of egg.

A frown in his lips, Scorpius picked the phone up carefully. "But... But I thought you said I needed to move on, Lou..."

"Yeah, well, I was a Slytherin, Scor. So...it was actually a test. Surprise - I tricked you!" Louis laughed, but it was clear he took no enjoyment from this. "I just needed to see how serious you were about this. About Albus. If it were possible for you to get over him, I wanted you to. This could be a long road for you and if you could escape that, I felt like it would be good for you. But I can see you felt like last night was a mistake so... So call him. Keep trying to win him back."

His fingers running over the smooth screen, Scorpius nodded. He was hesitant to listen to what Louis said. And yet...he really just wanted to hear Albus' voice again. He wanted to tell him he loved him again and hear his breathing change pace. He could lie and say he wasn't effected by the words, but Scorpius could tell the truth. Somewhere deep down he still cared.

"Fine. I'll call him again," he said softly, the words intended to come out indifferent. But somehow he couldn't keep the small hint of excitement from them. His finger found the button to wake the device up, sliding it open to unlock it. He still wasn't used to using such 'technology', not having grown up around it throughout his life. But Louis hadn't either – they were figuring all of this Muggle crap out together. And that started with figuring this phone out.

They had been working on it for a few months now and it finally seemed like they had a good hold on how it worked. Well…not how it worked, per se. That was still a mystery as it didn't run on magic, but it also had no visible wires to connect it for the transmissions it made. But working it was something they had come to terms with.

Taking a small breath in through his teeth and holding it, Scorpius panned through the few contacts down to the one titled 'Nutter'. It wasn't his choice or even something he approved of, but it was Louis' phone and he thought he was funny. "Here goes," he whispered, pressing 'Dial' and raising the phone to his ear.

The ringing tone sounded three times before there was an answer. Each ring brought his heart to beat at a faster pace. He felt like he was just waiting for something bad to happen. Like every single second he waited brought another horrible possibility to light. Every second Albus didn't answer meant he had something better to do than talk to him. And that reality was a little too hard to take.

"Yes?"

Surprised, Scorpius pulled the phone back from his ear to stare at the details of the call. Making sure he had dialed the correct number. It still came up as Albus' contact information. But the voice on the other end lacked his soft timbre. It was harsher and heavier and deeper. It wasn't melodic or anything he could listen to for hours on end. It wasn't Albus.

His breathing stilled as he realized what that must mean. That man Albus had chosen over him – that was who this must be. And he certainly didn't want to speak to him. He wasn't even sure this man should know he was calling Albus! Wouldn't he be angry? Chances were he already knew what had brought the Potter boy to his breaking point. He had to have known it had to do mostly with Scorpius and his lack of will and conviction for what was inherently right for him. He had to blame him for this, right? For the breakdown and the need to cling to something that was different. Maybe this Devan guy was grateful for that, at least, as it was what brought Al to being in a relationship with him instead of Scorpius. But would he be upset about the steps that had brought them to that point?

So he didn't speak. He tried not to even make a sound to alert the man on the other end to his presence still on the line. All he could bring himself to do was wait and listen. Maybe Albus could speak and it would be worth it.

"Hello?!" Devan snapped, his sparking voice causing Scorpius to visibly wince. "Is someone there?"

Scorpius still didn't dare to answer. He turned to look at Louis who watched with a raised brow. Looking for guidance but not willing to open his mouth and explain the situation.

With a snort, Devan said, "Are you going to say anything, whoever you are?" with a severely snarky tone. "If you're calling for Albus, you might want to say your piece now…." He chuckled, the sound becoming distant for a moment before returning. "And if you aren't or you don't talk, I'm hanging up. Allie's gagging for his morning fuck and I'm rather eager to get to it."

"Dev! If that's someone I know on the phone, I'm going to ki-"

The line went dead after that. Albus hadn't even sounded upset. He had laughed. It was only a soft sound and his voice was faint, but there was no mistaking his tone. It was him alright and he apparently found it mildly funny that his boyfriend was divulging details of their sex life to a voiceless person over the phone.

His jaw dropping just slightly in horror and shock and disgust, Scorpius set the phone on the table. It was no longer connected to any call, so he locked it with a sigh and slid it away from him. He didn't even know what to think of that. Apparently Albus really was happy. Apparently he really did love his new boyfriend and could forgive him for incredibly humiliating stunts.

And that only made Scorpius angry. His fists flexing into tight balls at his side, he stood up from his chair and paced to the sink. "Apparently…I should call later in the day," he grumbled and pulled a glass down from the cupboard. "Apparently…he's too busy receiving his 'morning fucking' to pick up his own goddam mobile." He sighed softly, his head dropping measurably as he filled the glass with water.

Once it was filled, he didn't even bring it to his lips. He just kept it sitting on the counter as he stared down at its settling surface. It was a distraction. A way to try and forget what had just happened. Something to busy his hands while he tried to come to terms with the facts.

Albus was happy as he was. As much as he wanted to believe otherwise, he couldn't pretend like that wasn't the case. And if he was going to wait for that to change, it might take longer than he wished. It might take a lifetime. Somehow he had to prepare himself for that long journey….

"This is going to suck, Lou. I swear Albus will be the death of me in the end…."


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare to have conflicting feelings!! That is all I have to say. Now read and gush about what you think! I'm very eager to hear your opinions on this chapter and its ending. Much love to you all!!

Months passed in absolute monotony. Nothing felt exciting or new or different since Scorpius had drunk called Albus. He had tried calling again in October – the number was the same – but Devan had answered. And since then, he hadn't heard from the other man.

Albus supposed he could have tried calling him back. But he found he wasn't _that_ desperate to speak to him. It had been…nice in a way to hear his voice that night. Now, though, he was stuck in this ritualistic life of his and an ex-whatever-he-was just didn't fit into his schedule. Sleep, eat, work, eat, read, fuck, sleep. It was easy, it was calm, and it was slightly normal. He lived with it – even though it may not have been perfect or even exciting.

Most nights Devan still wasn't home. He went out after coming home, right before Al would start to make dinner for himself. The man still wasn't eating often, but he was at least trying to make an effort some days. Things were better. They were…okay. Quiet and blasé, but okay.

Really, Albus was sure they were doing so well because he didn't ask questions. He didn't prod his boyfriend to eat and take care of his disorder. Since he wasn't a Healer, that wasn't his place. He didn't ask where he went when he left. If he said he was going to the gym, why should he question it? He didn't call him out for possibly cheating on him or why he sometimes came back smelling of alcohol. If he was being disloyal, wouldn't Al know?

There was just nothing he wanted to call the man out for. They had fallen into a comfortable rhythm and he told himself that he was fine with it.

December rolled around faster than anticipated. When all the days blur together, it's hard to really tell what month it is. But soon Albus wasn't able to ignore the Christmas decorations, carolers in the street, or the fact that every single bakery smelt of peppermint or pumpkin. The holiday was right around the corner – meaning that the last couple months had flown by him without a single thought.

He hadn't seen anyone outside of Devan or work since his birthday. And as Christmas came closer, this became harshly apparent. It wasn't that no one had tried to contact him. He received at least one owl from someone else every week. They asked how he was and if he was taking his potions. They expressed concern and invited him to tea. He never wrote back to a single one of them, though, because he just found he lacked the interest. After the fiasco that had been his birthday, he felt like he was completely detached from every single one of the people trying to talk to him. They said they cared and pretended enough to ask questions, but he knew it was all an act. They all thought he was crazy and just needed checking up on. It was an obligation, more than anything.

Albus didn't want to be an obligation.

Christmas was a time, though, that he was expected to be around family. There were certain things that required his presence. Dinners and gift-giving and family outings. Every year, his mother had them wear the sweaters their grandmother had made for them the year before when they went to the Christmas carnival in Godric's Hollow. It always happened on the twentieth of December and his presence was always expected.

Today was the morning of the twentieth and Albus was still wrestling with the idea of going. He wanted to see his mother and…he supposed it would be okay to see his father as long as the man's still-going relationship with Uncle Charlie wasn't thrust in his face. Even after a year, he still wasn't sure how he felt about all of that. Mostly because he hadn't been around it long enough to actually form an opinion on the matter. He even supposed it might be nice to see Lily or James for a short period of time. No doubt they would tell him about how wonderful their lives were going. James was, after all, expecting his girlfriend to have a baby in the next few months.

And maybe that was the problem. Albus didn't want to hear how well everyone was getting on with their lives. Not when he wasn't so sure his was going great in comparison. Well, he _knew_ that in comparison, his life seemed absolutely nutters. He had moved in with a man he had barely known and was battling mental illnesses and his boyfriend would only eat in small amounts if he could have sex afterwards and he was fairly sure he longed for a relationship that had never really begun in the first place to come back into his life. He was fucked up.

"You're sure that you want to do this tonight?" Devan asked as they dressed - Albus in a purple pullover jumper (his grandmother's attempt at showing him she was accepting of his lifestyle two years ago) and Devan dressed in a leather jacket over his t-shirt and jeans.

Nodding, Albus looked down at the crimson 'A' knitted into the sweater. "I should go... I mean, it's Christmas, right? I should be there... I'm just glad you're coming with." He attempted a smile that didn't even come close to lighting up his jade eyes.

Breathing out slowly, a sound that could almost be described as a sigh, Devan zipped up his jacket and crossed over go Albus. The man stood by his side of the bed, absentmindedly stroking the identifying letter. He was struggling inside - that was easy to tell. "Look at me," he said softly and their eyes met.

"Last year I spent Christmas and all the special days around it at St. Mungo's. You came in that day. You saw all of the haphazard decorations that didn't even feel like they belonged. The Healers...they tried their best. They tried to keep our spirits up. One desk clerk wore a Santa hat.

"But it was all still the same. We still had group that day. Some of the others received presents that they had to open in front of the rest of us. And for those of us who didn't get anything... It hurt. It was the worst Christmas I've ever had. Worst holiday of any sort. And I know you understand because you were there, too. But... But at the same time...you don't..."

This time, Devan did sigh and it sounded like the most broken sound he had ever made. He ran his hands through Al's chin-length, shaggy hair before settling them gently upon the sides of his neck. "Spending these next few days with you - the man I love - and your family will be... I can't even put it into words how much it means to me. I'm glad to be able to be there for you."

The words were so sweet. There were times when Albus considered the fact that the beginning of their relationship had all been an act. That Devan had been faking being interested and caring back them. He certainly didn't speak like this often anymore. Then again, he wasn't there much on most days.

And then he would speak like this out of nowhere and hold him so tenderly. It was why Albus was with him. To feel his reassuring hands and to be wrapped in his words like a comforting blanket. Leaning into the touch, Al smiled softly and nodded. "Okay," he whispered and leaned up on his toes to steal a kiss. "We should go, then."

Devan couldn't even hope to contain the wide grin on his lips. A few minutes later, they were disapparating from the flat. Their feet landed in the soft snow behind the Potter's house, the familiar sights around them instantly calming. Albus took in a deep breath of the crisp evening air, stepping away from Devan to hold his arms out, head thrown back and eyes closed, as he twirled in circles and walked a few feet away. "I love the clean winter air of home," he whispered.

When the other man didn't answer back after a few moments, Al opened his eyes and dropped his arms heavily to his sides. He bit his lip, looking at Devan – eyeing how he just stood there with his face pale and fists clenched.

"Sorry," Albus said quickly and rushed back to him. "I forgot you haven't apparated much yet. Are you okay? You look like you're going to be sick…." He gently touched the other's arm and squeezed in reassurance.

"It's passing. I'll be fine. Can we just…go?"

Nodding and intertwining their fingers, Albus led Devan through the back gate and into the alley between his parents' house and the neighbors'. From here they walked the short distance to the village square, following the sweet scent of sugary pastries, childish laughter, and proud Christmas carols.

"Allie! You made it!" In an instant, Albus was enveloped in a tight hug – his mother practically crushing him with it. He chuckled a laugh, wrapping his arms around her, as well, though in a much feebler manner. "Oh, we were all just so worried that you weren't going to come this year. I don't know why…. Just…." She cleared her throat, the obvious note of tears in her voice. "After last year…." Pulling back, Ginny smiled into her youngest son's eyes. She ran her fingers through the young man's hair, her brown eyes shining with some sort of happy sadness. "I'm glad you're here, okay?"

Since being released from St. Mungo's, Albus hadn't really spoken with anyone about his treatment. He hadn't opened up much to say what had landed him there in the first place, even. He didn't want people to know the extent of his crazy. If they knew the details, they would know that he was a whore and disgusting and had absolutely the worst judgment possible. It was better if everyone was in the dark. It was just better if they continued to think he was slightly unstable without a reason.

Because he hadn't really spoken to anyone about what had happened, he had never really received the type of reassurance that he now realized he might have needed. The soft words of comfort that he really was wanted around and that his family really did love him. That even if he was shit at relationships and couldn't control his emotions and behaviors, they still wanted him around. They cared about what he was going through and cared when he was happy.

Right now, this was something Albus was starting to realize he was missing. It was sort of his fault – holding things back and avoiding all contact in recent months. Well…in the recent year, actually. And now he was realizing what a mistake that was. If only he had said something or talked it out with his parents…. With _someone_. Why hadn't he said something to Rose, at least?

"And you!" Ginny exclaimed, laughing away her tears and releasing Al to take a slightly weaker hold on Devan. "I'm glad to see you, too! Happy Christmas, you two! Or, well…you know. Early Christmas. Whatever." She pulled away and just stared at the both of them for a moment, then stepped back towards where Lily was leaning against the fencing around the temporary ice rink set up in the middle of the square. "Come join us!"

Rolling her eyes, like a typical teenage girl, Lily examined her black-painted fingernails. "Oh, goody, another happy couple to come see us for a moment before disappearing to run off and do their own thing. Not like I'm sick of them, yet, after the other two…." The sarcasm was heavy in her voice, but Albus didn't miss the small smile she gave at seeing her brother.

With a clear of his throat, Devan settled next to her against the railing and looked around the lively square. "We won't leave you. Promise." They shared a moment of silent reassurances before he returned to scanning the decently small crowd around them.

Being here in a place so familiar from spending every twentieth of December enjoying the festivities with his family surrounded by these very people gave Albus a calm demeanor. He felt absolutely relaxed and actually happy. It made him glad that he had decided to come out after all. He may not have wanted to at first, but now….

"So I see that there is ice skating," Devan said softly, cinching Albus to his side and pressing his lips to Al's cheek for a moment. "What else happens at this festival?"

Actually giving a small giggle, Albus looked around with him. "Well…. There's a stand that sells roasted nuts and next to that a sweets stand – they have the best fairy cakes. And then there's the old lady that makes the spiced cider. She does it in her kitchen and works on it for days before the festival. It's brilliant, really. Um…." His eyes moved past the food, realizing the conflicted hunger in Devan's features. "There's a live band in the gazebo and usually the local primary school sings a few carols. There's a few little kid games near that, like tossing a little ping pong ball in a bowl of water or whatever. And, uh…this fakey 'fortune teller' does her palm reading thing. For money, of course. Beer and wine tasting, cookie decorating, snowflake cutting, a pie-eating contest. Simple things, really…."

The whole event really was basic and lacked anything really exciting. But Albus did like it here. He had grown up in this village and knew these people. It was good to be home and see all of the familiar faces. To feel the warmth seeping back into his body, even though it was rather chilly out. For once he was worrying less about who he was with and how strange it felt to have these specific arms wrapped around him. He wasn't fretting over ending the night the same way it always ended – with his face in the pillows, near tears. Tonight felt like what it was. It felt like the beginning of a good few days to come.

"Can I watch you eat one of those fairy cakes...?" Devan whispered in his ear softly, sending a slightly uncomfortable chill down his spine.

Wriggling away from the man with a forced smile, Albus shook his head. "No, I'm not really hungry," he muttered. A violent flashback of his birthday hit him and he found a sick feeling creeping into his stomach. He didn't want to feel this way. The night had been going well so far! He shook his head more violently back and forth and turned around to look at the skating rink. For the first time, he spotted his father on the ice. Welcoming the distraction, he watched the man glide forward, his head thrown back in laughter as Charlie came up behind him and squeezed his sides almost causing him to lose his balance. "Dad looks happy," he remarked, fingering a wave as the men noticed him with wide grins.

Ginny nodded, only barely looking back at her ex-husband and brother. The curl of slight disdain was prevalent on the corner of her lips. If Al had to guess, it was probably jealousy. "He is…." The sigh she gave at the end easily signified her own loneliness. She covered it with a smile, however, and reached up to smooth a few strands of Lily's hair into place.

With a clear of his throat, Devan pressed a kiss into the top of Albus' head. "We should walk around a bit…." His voice was slightly shaky and he seemed to lack confidence.

"Yeah, sure," Al answered, but couldn't hold back the curious frown. Had he sensed how uncomfortable the thought of eating a cake in front of his boyfriend had made him? Or maybe it was the talk of delicious food. Or maybe he just didn't want to be here, as much as he'd said he did.

The couple walked a little bit, just moving aimlessly through the groups of people. As they went, Devan hummed to himself the carol the small children in the gazebo had begun to sing. They checked out every single inch of the festival's activities, but never lingered on one thing for too long. It gave Al the impression that Devan was rushing them. Like he had somewhere else he needed to be.

Just as they were passing the food stands again, heading who-knows-where, Albus squeezed Devan's hand before dropping it. "I'm going to get a cider, okay? Do you want one?"

Looking back towards the ice rink where Ginny was now laughing with Ahrann over Lily and James' behavior. His siblings were playing in the snow a few feet away, tossing snowballs at one another with squeals and shouts of excitement. "Sure…. Uh, hey, I'm going to go to the restroom. At, uh…. At your parents' house. Can you meet me there?"

There was an uncomfortable fire in the pit of Al's belly then. He looked once more at his family as his boyfriend did a hurried jot over to them. Watched as his mother grinned wide and clung to Devan's arm before rushing him out of the square. Thoroughly confused, Albus turned towards the old lady with her cider and purchased two cups with a nervous grin.

Albus really had no idea what to expect when he went back towards the house. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Devan was not just using the facilities. Why on earth would Al's mother have to walk back with him, then? The house wasn't that far off from the village. He could find it easily on his own. And the excited little twitch to his steps had been too giving. What exactly was he planning? Some sort of elaborate Christmas present?

Taking a deep breath, Albus balanced the two cups in one hand and laid the other upon the door handle. Before he could work up the confidence enough to turn it, the door opened for him. He gasped softly, biting his lip and just staring at Ginny. "He's out back, sweety," she said gently and took the cups from him. He stared after them, but didn't protest.

Like a dream, Al's feet carried him through the house and towards the back door. There was a nagging at the corner of his mind of what this could be. It terrified him, so he chose to ignore it. But it was still there. If there was one thing that was inescapable, it was the inner workings of one's own mind. That terrified thought still lingered and caused a tremor in his hands. It sped up his heart rate and hastened his breathing.

The first thing Albus saw as he exited the backdoor was a burst of light. The house had been relatively dark, only having a few lamps turned on. But out here, in the definite night, there was somehow light everywhere. He looked around, bracing his hands on the inside of the doorframe. Hundreds of small orbs hovered in the air, something bright inside of them lighting up the backyard. One floated close to him and he reached out to touch it, surprised by the soft, warm exterior of the fire-filled bubble.

Albus felt slightly better holding this bubble in his hand. He stepped away from the door, his feet meeting snow. A few steps in, he started to notice the snow under him seeming to melt as he stepped onto it. And when he stepped off, a small patch of flowers began to grow in his footprints. He laughed softly at the sight, for a moment letting go of the orb to crouch down and pick one of the daisies springing up out of the ground.

Throughout his life, Albus had constantly been around magic. He grew up with it being an integral part of the day – just as natural and eating, sleeping, and breathing. But never in his life had magic made him feel like this. It had never awed him to such a speechless, giggling degree. He held tight to the flower between his fingers and stood again, looking around for the source of all of this. It was truly beautiful.

"Allie," he heard spoken behind him and turned with a smile to see Devan standing a few feet away. There was a definite scent that could only be described as new and renewing surrounding them in that instant. The world around them melted away so that it was just this yard with its fantastical beauty and nothing else. The man before him was having trouble keeping the excited grin from his lips.

"What is this?" Al breathed, walking towards his boyfriend. He was unable to help looking behind him every few steps to see the miracle under his feet. "Who did this?"

Devan tugged on his leather jacket a moment. "I did," he muttered meekly and reached out to touch one of the floating lights. "I did it for you, baby…."

The idea was almost comical. Albus couldn't help the laugh that burbled past his lips, though he slapped a hand over his mouth instantly with regret. "Sorry," he whispered between his fingers before dropping his hand again. "Sorry…. Um…. This isn't basic magic, Dev. How could you have done this?"

Shrugging, Devan pulled his wand from his back pocket. He twirled it between his fingers, kind of in awe himself. "I know you don't believe I've been working out when I'm away at night. Well…occasionally I do. But most often…." He shook his head and sighed, flicking his wand and whispering something. A small flock of butterflies appeared from the tip a moment later and floated their way over to Albus. Fluttering against his skin in a way he just couldn't deny existing. "Your aunt Hermione…. She volunteers to teach an adult magic course at the Ministry. It was mostly for Squibs, but there was a couple others like me, too. I've been going to learn how to perform magic like you can.

"It certainly does nothing to compare to your level of education. But she said I've been grasping things really well. And now I can do spells to this level, at least." He noticed the confused wrinkle to Albus' brow and added quickly, "Please don't be mad at me for lying. I wanted to surprise you! I wanted you to see that I could work to fit into your world. _Our_ world. The world I belong in." He smiled and closed the remaining space between them. In the silence, he reached out to touch a butterfly and chuckled at the way it fluttered away from him. "I wanted to surprise you with something special…."

Albus wasn't sure what to think. He had been wrong. Devan had never been cheating on him. He had been out learning how to do something he had the very simple right to do. _For him_. There was a sickening feeling in his stomach that could be likened to guilt. How had he thought something so harsh about his boyfriend? Why would he doubt him like that? He opened his mouth to apologize for his thoughts, but found that he had no idea what to say.

Words escaped him further as Devan began to sink before his eyes. He knelt down on the ground, the snow melting away from his one knee bent down in the forming flowers. With a whiplash-inducing force, the thought from earlier came back. The fear settled back into Albus' stomach and he was unable to make it go away this time. He knew where this was going. He was terrified of it. He was angered by it. He wanted to slap the man before him and run away as fast as his feet could take him.

But his mother was looking on from the doorway. Her eyes were shining with happy tears for her baby boy. And Devan looked so proud of himself as he pulled a small box from his pocket. Tears trekked down Al's cheeks as he opened it to reveal a simple band so like the one he still wore around his ring finger. It was silver, but shown brighter than his old one did. He suspected it to be a pure metal with an inlay of actual gems and diamonds. An upgrade to the ring he had cherished since he was a child. A replacement for a ring that could take on a more permanent meaning.

"Albus Severus Potter…. You're the most beautiful man I have ever met. You're the only man who could make me as happy as I am. I know I have my flaws and I know it puts a strain between us sometimes. But I'm working so hard to make myself a better man for you. I'm working on how to love myself as much as you love me and see me in a way you do. It's hard for me because I've never felt that sort of confidence in my life before. But you're helping me! You really are. It may not seem like it…. I'm sure it seems like I'm making absolutely no progress at all. I really am, though. I promise."

_You're okay. Don't run – you're okay._

"You help me to be a better man, Albus. I know that sounds clichéd, so maybe you won't believe me. But you are that amazing and necessary in my life. I don't know where I would be without you…. Well…I suppose I do. I'd still be in that hospital with no direction for my life. I'd be spending another Christmas feeling like I was worth less than absolutely nothing. You've changed that for me. You saved me, Allie…."

_You do love him like he says. Stay and listen to him. He's so sweet…._

"We haven't known each other long. Not even a year, yet! But I know that in that short period of time I have come to need you like I need to breathe. You're the one I want to spend the rest of my miserable life with. I want to wake next to you every single morning. I want to pretend to try and tame your unbelievably messy hair while admiring the entrancing green of your eyes. I want to hold your hand in public and pretend like I don't care if people stare. I want to see the way you light up when I bring you flowers on a day that has absolutely no special meaning. I want to be the one there for you when you've had a hard day and need to be held. I want lazy mornings and crazy nights with you. I want to be there for you for the rest of your life, no matter what that brings."

_He loves you – all of you! Stay with him for the rest of his life. Do as he asks!_

"Allie…I want you to marry me. We can work through any problems we might have. I know we can because I believe in us and how you make me feel. Say you'll marry me, Albus. Tell me you love me and I'm not just a fool for falling harder for you than I thought possible…."

It was silent now. Albus was expected to give his answer. But all he could do was stare at the ring. All he could do was keep yelling at himself not to take a step back. That's what he wanted – he wanted to back away from this idea and this man.

He didn't want this. He didn't want to marry Devan and spend the rest of his life like this. Merlin, he _wanted_ to want it, but he just didn't….

With every second that passed in silence, Devan's delighted and passionate expression began to fade. He started to lose his confidence and his hand started to tremble. With the movement, the ring in the box caught the light of the bubbles and glinted just barely. But that was enough to wake Albus up a bit. To get his feet into motion. He couldn't hold in his reaction anymore.

He loved this. The lights and the scent and the flowers – it was all so beautiful. It was surreal. He couldn't have asked for a more romantic and heartfelt proposal! And that's what killed him inside. He was about to run away from something that seemed perfect. Why was he doing that?

"I can't," he whispered, the words very nearly choked by the raw emotion constricting his throat.

Without another word or even the courtesy of an explanation, a loud _pop_ sounded through the backyard. Albus was gone and the spot he had stood a second before began to produce daisies that seemed to mock Devan's effort. The man dropped the ring in the snow, settling his other knee into the ground and dropping down with his tear-soaked face in his hands. Heartbroken.

Albus thought of home. He wanted to just be home and safe and away from what he had just left behind. But at the last moment, he realized home was just another reminder of the man he had broken back there. His jerk through space took a violent turn as his head caught up with his heart. He screamed softly in pain as his legs slammed into the ground when he landed. His knees buckled and he fell forward onto them. His palms scraped against the harsh grain of cement under them. He felt like he couldn't breathe – though he wasn't sure if that was due to the pain of nearly being torn in half or from the intense emotions raging through him.

It took Al a few moments to gather the strength to move. He rested on his hands and knees, pulling in ragged breaths and waiting for the pain to subside. For his head to calm just enough so that he could take in his surroundings. When he felt well enough to, he lifted his head and looked around. It was a neighborhood he didn't recognize. He had no idea where he even was, to be honest. Something had caused him to change course from going back to the flat in order to end up here. But he didn't recognize a single thing around him.

Very slowly, Albus raised himself up off the ground. He stood on his feet, taking stock of every single inch of himself in the dark. As far as he could tell, nothing was splinched. He was sure it had come very close, though. There was still an ache in his bones that felt like someone had tried to draw and quarter him. He began to calm down upon realizing this, his teeth beginning to chatter from the cold of the winter night. Snowflakes landed upon his heated, panicked flesh and caused him to shiver uncontrollably. He needed to get inside….

It looked like Al had landed in the driveway to a house. It was a cute, little house in a neighborhood that looked non-threatening. In haste, he walked the rest of the way up the drive and stepped up onto the porch. If he landed here, it had to be for a reason. He had to know who was inside or why else would this be the place he ended up. Nervously, he knocked hastily upon the door before he could change his mind and coughed at the cold seeping into his lungs.

When the door opened, the last person Albus could have expected stood in the doorway. Louis frowned at him and he frowned back before looking away with a dark blush. "Sorry," he whispered, looking as if he meant to turn and run again.

Louis quickly stepped out onto the porch and grabbed his arm, pulling him inside the house. "Don't leave!" he said quite loudly.

"I don't know why I'm here. I was…. I just want to go back to my flat. I wanted to go home," Albus rambled, swaying as he stood inside the warm house. His skin prickled as it shed the cold, melting the snowflakes scattered over him. "I just wanted to get away and be somewhere _safe_ …."

"You're safe here," Louis said carefully, the words he wanted to say and the ones he _should_ say conflicting in his eyes for a moment. He shook them all away, though, and guided his cousin to sit on a couch. "Whatever happened, Albus…you're safe here…."

Albus nodded and let his head fall into his hands as his elbows settled onto his knees. He knew Scorpius lived here and that was the worry on the forefront of his mind right now. But the kind things Louis said and the undeniable fact that this place did feel comfortable were too much to resist. He allowed himself to think being here was okay. If Scorpius came around and tried to speak to him….

Well, he just hoped Louis was willing to prevent that. Even if he was sure that Scorpius was the reason his subconscious had brought him here.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this took a lot longer than I had meant and I'm very sorry about that. Life, depression, work, an overall lack of muse, classic rock, and Supernatural have all sort of taken me out of the mood of writing. I apologize, but I also bear a gift of this chapter. Let me know what you think in a comment - they do always help to get the brain working faster. Thanks.

Waking up the next morning was like sinking deeper into a dream. It was the type of dream that felt so real, it had to be fake. The one that toed the line of becoming a nightmare at any moment.

Albus groaned and sat up, looking around to get his bearings. He was in a room he didn't recognize right away. For a moment, he panicked over what might have happened the night before. For a moment, he worried he may have made a huge mistake. His heart began to race as he quickly looked to his side at the bed he was in.

He found he was able to catch his breath again, though, when he spotted Louis' unmistakable features. Giving an exhausted sigh, he fell back against the other's pillows and let out a loud groan. Like an anvil crushing him flat, everything that had happened last night absolutely exhausted him. The good, the confusing, and the tragic ending. And he still had absolutely no answer as to what he was going to do next.

"So…are you going to tell me why you ended up at my doorstep looking like you'd seen a ghost last night?" Louis' voice was gravelly with sleep when he rolled over to look at Al. His eyes were heavy with sleep and it was quite obvious that he hadn't been able to get much sleep the night before. Al really had no idea why, though. Shortly after he had arrived, Louis had led him to his bedroom. They had both laid down beside one another. And after that….

Well, Albus had conked out to avoid having to think further about his problems that night.

They hadn't talked about what had happened yet. He hadn't said a single word since saying he needed to be somewhere safe. The night before, he hadn't wanted to say anything else. It was too surreal and harsh to think about. And this morning it still felt much the same. Sleeping had merely put a bandage over the sore.

Shrugging, Al tried to sink further into the bed. If he could, he would keep sinking until he fell into a different dimension. "I don't feel like talking about it…. I just want to be here and not think about what happened. Is that possible?" he whispered.

Louis didn't say anything in return as he sat up and stood. He stretched before pulling off his slept-in clothing and pulled a new set of briefs from his dresser. It wasn't until he was looking for the rest of a new outfit to put on that he actually said a word. By this point, Al's eyes were closed and he looked ready to accept death just so he'd never have to wake to this world again. "It's really not possible. I don't know how long you plan on staying here, but…. This isn't my house, Albus. It's Scorpius'. And if you want to be here, which is completely fine with me, I need an explanation to stand up for you."

"He doesn't want me here, then?"

"He doesn't even know that you're here, yet, idjit." Louis sat heavily near Albus as he slipped on shoes and socks, bouncing his cousin back into full consciousness. "But I can't hide it from him. Eventually he has to know…. How long do you plan on staying? At least answer me that."

Albus didn't have an answer to that. In his current future, he didn't see himself ever leaving. No one knew he was here and Louis might have been the last person they would think to ask. This was sincerely a safe place. And yet…. Lurking just outside this bedroom door was someone he had absolutely no closure with. Someone who probably caused him to come here and nearly tear himself in half. Someone he wanted to run into the arms of and stab to death at the same time.

"I can't go back to my flat," he whispered, sitting up and curling his arms around his knees. It felt comforting in the way Louis' hand upon his hair couldn't. He just wanted to curl into himself and disappear from the world. "Can I just…. Can I just stay here a little while until I figure out what to do?"

"Yeah, fine," Louis resigned and stood back up. "I…. I'm going to tell him you're here. I have to. But if I'm going to fight for you, you have to promise me I'll get this story later. But for now...I have school to get to. Scorpius should be leaving shortly, as well. Just…lay low for a bit…." Not really knowing what else to do, Louis ruffled his fingers through his cousin's hair and headed for the door. "Maybe do some cleaning…."

Louis was still itching to know why the hell Albus had shown up on his doorstep the night before, but for some reason his care for the boy outweighed that nagging feeling. He sighed as he closed his bedroom door behind him, steeling everything in him that said to yell at Al until he was blue in the face. To scream and demand answers because it was simpler than telling his best friend that they were going to be sharing their home with the one he loved and couldn't have for who-knows-how-long. It would have been easier to kick him out and tell him to go home.

He took in a deep breath, then let it out through his gritted teeth before looking down the hallway. The soft clinks of Scorpius making breakfast floated on the air, just like any other normal morning. Which is still what it was. Albus being here didn't have to change anything.

"Smells good," he said gently, perhaps a little more than he normally would, as he settled into a chair at the table. "As always."

Scorpius raised a brow and turned to look at him just slightly. Just enough to see if he appeared as weird as he was acting. He then turned back to stirring the oatmeal and shrugged. "Yeah, I suppose. It's just oatmeal, but…."

Laughing nervously, Louis rubbed his palms on his jeans. "So, uh…. You'll never guess what happened last night…."

"Let's see," Scorpius said wickedly, "you brought someone home? You had your way with whoever it was?" He chuckled and poured out both their bowls. "And whoever that was has a habit of talking in their sleep?"

"For fuck's sake, Scorpius. I did _not_ have my way with Albus. He's my cousin! Merlin…." With a wince, Louis realized his mistake right away. Scorpius hadn't known who it was. He had just said that he had heard someone. Did Albus really talk in his sleep? "Shit…."

But Scorpius just smiled and nodded like it was absolutely no surprise to him. He set their bowls down on the table, venomously threw his roommate a spoon, and sat down across from him. "I know, Lou. I'd know that voice anywhere…." He sighed heavily and scooped a bit up into his own spoon, but a moment later he let it plop back out again. "So he stayed here last night. That much I know…. What's the deal?"

Louis dug into his own food as a way of distracting himself. He wished he had answers to give Scorpius. Maybe then he wouldn't feel so guilty seeing that spark in his friend's eyes. The one that begged for there to be some sort of hope. "I…. I don't really know, Scor. He just showed up on the doorstep last night…straight out of his mind. It was snowing and cold so I let him in! He didn't even mean to come here. That's the weird part. He just said he wanted to be somewhere safe. He wanted to be home. But he ended up here…. He didn't even know where we lived, you know…."

"So what brought him here?"

"You." Louis winced at the thought, but he had been turning it over and over in his head all night. Even though he didn't know the situation, he knew that Scorpius _had_ to be the reason he felt being here was safe and like home. Maybe it was something he hadn't quite realized himself yet, but it just had to be true.

A perturbed scoff fell from Scorpius' lips. "Whatever," he muttered, but his voice still carried a trace of slight delight alongside his hesitant hope. "That's bullshit and you know it." He laughed at the thought, trying to play off the emotions tearing him apart inside.

With a shrug, Louis finished his last bite and carried his bowl to the sink. "Believe what you want to, Scor. But I have to go – I have a final this morning and I'd rather not be late." He passed Scorpius just to give him a gentle kiss on the top of his head. Such a grandfatherly thing to do that Scorpius couldn't help but to shudder. "And you have to get to your apprenticeship."

Scorpius nodded, sighing and slouching down a bit in his chair. Letting it sink in that the man he was so desperate just to see and talk to was down the hall a few steps. He was asleep in his friend's bed. He was there and vulnerable and…and this could be his shot….

"You leave that boy alone!" Louis yelled from the front door. "Do you hear me?!"

"Goodbye!" Scorpius answered, but laughed to show he had indeed heard. And so had Albus, no doubt. The house wasn't all that large. He sighed heavily, the weight of a thousand problems settled upon his shoulders. Louis was right – he did have to leave soon. As much as he wanted to stay here and wait for Al to show his beautiful face…he couldn't. His father was kind enough to give him the next week off for the holiday. He couldn't ruin that faith in him by not showing up this last day.

Begrudgingly, he stood and cleared his hardly-touched food. He cleaned dishes and checked the clock, finding that a sufficient amount of time had been wasted. He was already dressed and didn't have to pass the bedrooms again. The temptation was definitely hard to fight, but in the end he was able to keep away. He was able to resist the temptation of just sneaking a small peek at the man lying in that bed.

 _Later. I can see him later_ , he said to himself and forcefully snapped the front door shut behind himself.

Even with that reassurance in mind, Scorpius had trouble concentrating throughout the day. He was supposed to be following the directions to a rather intricate, rather expensive hair regrowth solution. Instead, he ended up creating something that nearly melted through his cauldron. And, at the end of the day, he had a hard time shaking the look of utter disappointment on his father's face. Because of him, his father would have to stay all night to finish the potion before the next morning. When he asked if he could stay to help, Scorpius was told to 'just go home'.

His distraction was ruining him. All day, all he could think of was seeing Albus that night. What he would say to him, what he wanted to do to him. Unthinkable things that clouded his mind and his judgment.

He walked into his house with a heavy heart. His footsteps showed the wear from his heart and mind. All he wanted was to shed his clothing and lie in bed, looking as useless as he felt.

But when he was home and the door had closed behind him, that familiar hope from the day returned. He couldn't deny that Albus was here. Not when the homely aroma of fresh-baked cookies greeted him. Not when the man himself was curled up in an armchair in _his_ sitting room. Not when he was wearing Scorpius' own clothing and drinking from the mug he usually used.

"You went through my bedroom," Scorpius noted with a soft smirk. The insecurities melted away for the moment and he took on the Slytherin character he had developed throughout his school years. He slipped of his shoes, took the measured steps over to that chair and perched his crossed arms across the top of it.

Albus cringed, purposefully avoiding the other's gaze. He flattened out the pages of the book he was reading from, straightened up, and gripped his mug a little tighter. "I needed something to wear…and Louis' clothes are too small for me. He's nothing but skin and bones…."

Snorting, Scorpius leaned over further to try and see what the other was reading. He recognized his own handwriting instantly and frowned, reaching down to snatch his leather-bound journal from Al's hands. "One, you're drowning in my jumper. Two, this is private property. And, three, what the hell are you even doing here?"

Not exactly how he had planned to speak to Albus for their first contact in months…. But there was nothing he could do about that now. He carefully closed the journal and held it close to his chest, stomping away from the armchair and towards the kitchen. He wasn't really sure what his plans were once he got there, but he just needed to be away from the other man. The proximity was driving him nuts. And for some reason, Albus reading that journal even he had his own access to bugged him. It felt personal and that wasn't something he wanted to witness.

Albus didn't follow. He stayed in the chair, curled up tighter and sipped at his tea as if it could fix anything wrong with the world. "Sorry," he muttered, but didn't really mean it. He hadn't meant to go snooping in Scorpius' room. Really, he had intended to get clothing and leave without another look. But the journal had caught his eye. He had been curious, the conversation over the phone that they'd had ringing in his mind. Especially the part about Scorpius writing to him every day. And when he saw the journal, he just couldn't resist the temptation to find out what he'd said.

The contents of the journal had been…unanticipated. The letters and drabbles had been sweeter than he had thought they would be. They were full of love and hardly about sex. Everything reeked of absolute regret. Which didn't help his desire to push the man up against the wall and kiss him until they forgot who they were supposed to be.

"My boyfriend…. He proposed to me…."

Scorpius paused where he was in the kitchen, examining the cookies decorated so cheerfully in festive colors. His back went rigid and it felt like his entire being was on fire with jealous rage. His fingers gripped the countertop dangerously hard, knuckles cracking from the pressure. "Excuse me?" he snapped, his voice just barely carrying the angered tone to the other man.

It was then that Albus did get up. He set his mug aside, padding in socked feet to the kitchen. He leaned in the doorway, biting his lip as he questioned how much to say. It wasn't like he had even wanted to say anything at all about his problem. Especially not to Scorpius. He wouldn't understand…. But something about the way he was hunched over like that as if the world was crushing down upon him said that he just might. Well…that and he was having trouble keeping any sort of restraint on himself.

"That's 'what the hell' I'm doing here," he said gently. "Devan…he set up this elaborate thing last night. He learned how to do magic just…just for that. I thought he was cheating on me, I honestly did. But he was actually Squib classes so he could give me the best proposal I could have ever imagined." The tears were back and clogging up Al's throat. He tried to fight allowing them to trek down his cheeks, but it was useless. "It was beautiful and heart-touching and he said the sweetest things…. And then he asked and I…. I ran. I ran away from the proposal. I _should have_ said 'yes'. But instead, I disapparated and ended up…here…."

Scorpius ceased breathing. He couldn't look up from the cookies and over to Albus. He wanted to – he wanted to desperately. But he was frozen with terror that this might not even be real. It could all be a terrifying dream. He could be asleep in bed and not even know it. For nearly a year, he had dreamed of this very thing happening. Of Albus coming back to him, lost and needing someone to love. Aware that he had made a mistake being with that other man and come crawling back to him. Now that it was happening, though, he just couldn't believe it was true.

"And what am I supposed to do with that information, exactly?" he hissed through his teeth, wishing to say something more tender but not feeling emotionally ready. It felt like a perfect way for them to fall back into one another's arms, but…was it for a good reason? Would it even last under these circumstances? As much as he wanted to think in the moment, he just needed to rationalize this out before acting.

But with Albus coming up behind him like that…. With his hands wandering over Scorpius' chest. With his breath hot and harsh in Scorpius' ear. With his lips performing needy, whispered pleas…. How was he supposed to say 'no'?

Groaning softly, Scorpius lost his resolve. He gave in to the touches, turning in the smaller man's arms and pulling him closer. For a long moment, all he could manage was to stare at those lips he'd dreamt about night after night for a year. They were beautiful and vulnerable – everything he remembered them to be. All he had to do was close the distant between them and his own! It was just a few inches and then everything could be perfect!

Except…there was something off here. Scorpius saw the unsettled glint in Albus' vivid green eyes. The questions and the…the terror? They stopped him short of taking that step. As much as he wanted to, it just didn't feel right. Not then. Not when the man he wished would look at him with love could only stare at him in confusion.

Scorpius let out a long, slow breath and turned away once more. Albus made a noise of protest and tried to tug on the other's arm. "Albus, I…I can't…." He sighed and gave a pathetic shrug. "I want to – don't get me wrong. I really, really do. All I want is to hold you in my arms and never let go. I want to take you down to my room and make love to you until neither of us can feel our own skin any longer. But I can't….

"There's a part of you that isn't completely invested in coming back to me. I don't know why, I don't know how big that part of you is, and I don't know if that's something that you can even fix. All I know is…I can't." He reached back to thread their fingers together just for a moment, squeezing in near-desperation.

"I've missed two of my doses…," Albus tried to explain, but he wasn't sure what that had to do with anything. The synapses in his brain weren't quite connecting right. Everything was a little bit fuzzy – his thought processes, the motivations behind his actions, the neediness he felt for something he couldn't quite identify.

Was that the lost and lonely look he had seen in the other's eyes, then? A complete lack of understanding for the world around him? A blatant show of his loose grip on reality? Scorpius sighed once more, realizing he had made the right choice to stop this before it began. "Your…your doses? As in your medication? Can't that mess you up pretty badly?" he questioned, stepping out of the boxed-in feeling of Albus' arms. Gone was the lust in his being, replaced now instead with a genuine desire to help. This time he _needed_ to help. He couldn't again be the one to make it worse.

Shrugging, Albus stepped away a few paces. He crossed his arms defensively over his chest as if to protect himself from the need to tear things to pieces. "I suppose…," he whispered. "But it's at…. It's at my flat. I can't go there. I just can't, Scorpius. I can't go back there."

"I could go with you," Scorpius offered, desperate enough to help the man he loved to do such a thing. He definitely didn't _want_ to go to the apartment that the man he loved used to share with someone who had just asked for his hand in marriage. But they couldn't have any sort of conversation that meant anything if Albus wasn't well. If he wasn't in his right mind, he couldn't be sure he was getting the truth. "I could be there to support you so…so you can get it…."

Just then, Albus let out the most chilling laugh Scorpius could have imagined. It was haunted and so unlike the sweet boy in front of him that it caused a chill to run down his spine. He raised a hand to his mouth to calm his churning stomach at the sight of someone so twisted and broken. "Support me?! You did this _to me_ , Malfoy! You're the fucking reason I'm like this in the first place! You and your need to preserve your precious Pureblood heritage! You yanked me around like a fucking rag doll for three months and that…that was somehow enough to completely warp everything I am. So, no, I don't think you could ever really be a 'support' to me. Not in any way."

"I seem to remember that you did a fair amount of this to yourself!" The shout erupted out of Scorpius before he had a chance to stop it. Instant guilt washed over him and he lashed back at the counter with an open palm. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he said hastily, but the damage was already done.

Albus' face fell into a completely bewildered look of sadness. His eyes dimmed, all light indicating healthy life extinguished. He didn't say a word. All he did was stand there, staring at a spot on the floor. Unmoving. Hardly breathing. His facial expressions contorting every few seconds. Scorpius' guess was that he was waging war inside himself. Trying to come to terms with who he was and what really happened a year ago.

Scorpius took a step closer to the man, his arm extended to reach out and touch his shoulder. As if by pure instinct, Albus cringed and matched the step backwards. "Albus…." He tried to get closer again, but produced the same result. "Allie," he tried, speaking softer and closing the gap between them swiftly and wrapping the man in his arms. Albus struggled against him, but some part of him seemed to want to cling to him any way he could. His fingers knotted in the front of Scorpius' winter jacket and a single sob wracked from his chest.

"It's okay, Allie. It's okay…." His fingers slipped carefully through Albus' untamed, overgrown locks. They pressed into his scalp in just the way he could remember his mother doing when he was a child. Trying to do something soothing, even though he knew he was hopelessly untrained for this sort of thing. Albus tried to wrench away again, causing his fingers to snag on the dark hair. Instinctively, he latched on harder and tugged, forcing the man into calmer disposition. "Just calm. _Down_."

Slowly and steadily, Albus began to relax. He stopped fighting after a few minutes. And, in the end, he was full-on resting into Scorpius. The blonde continued to massage the Potter boy's scalp with one hand, the other rubbing slow, gentle circles into the man's back. "I can fix this," he whispered. "I made this mess…. Or I at least had a hand in it. I can fix it…." His mind was whirling, but eventually he landed on a valid option. "Do you have a coat with you?"

Albus raised his head cautiously from where it rested against Scorpius' chest. His eyes were no longer devoid of emotion, but they also still looked broken. He shook his head back and forth, then pulled away completely. "No," he croaked out. "No, I don't."

"You can borrow one of mine, then." As if suddenly gaining inspiration and momentum, Scorpius sprang into action. He bounded quickly out of the kitchen, returning a moment later with a bulky coat that would be twice the thickness and give twice the warmth of his own. He slipped Albus' lethargic arms into the sleeves, coming around the front to zip him in. "I'm going to apparate us somewhere, okay? We have to walk out back and then I need you to hold tight to me. To focus on me. Can you do that?"

The only indication given to show that Albus had heard a single word was the slight, almost unnoticeable bob of the head. He was so soft and malleable. Scorpius was able to lead him outside without a single hesitation. Then again, there wasn't much of a commitment to Al's actions, either. He just moved mechanically because he knew that he was supposed to.

Seeing his love, the man he cared for so deeply, acting like this was tearing Scorpius up inside. He apparated them with little difficulty, landing in Diagon Alley right where he had intended. His desire to help was a good grounding agent. His father's potionry stood proudly before him. As expected, the 'Closed' sign was hung in the window and the only light displayed was the one illuminating the backroom.

The bell overhead tinkled as they walked in the front door. It was a lucky thing that Draco always forgot to lock the door when brewing late. "The sign says 'Closed' for a reason!" the man yelled absently from the back. Clearly he was working on something important. No doubt the solution he had messed up earlier.

"Father!" he called, leading Albus back towards the workroom. "It's just me!"

Draco Malfoy didn't look up as his son entered the room. He was bent over a small cauldron at his workstation, eyes narrowed to see through the reading glasses perched upon the tip of his nose. "If you've come to apologize, turn and walk out of my shop. I don't want to hear it, Scorpius. I already had to ruin your mother's dinner pl-"

" _Father_ ," Scorpius said more insistently, gripping a listless Albus a little closer to his side. They had walked in tandem through the shop, but now the other man seemed to be slipping further. His attention was wavering and he wasn't focusing on anything at all. He looked sick or drugged or…checked out.

With a sigh, Draco raised just his eyes first. But his look of utter sheer exhaustion faded the instant he saw what was before him. He raised up to his feet quickly, abandoning the potion and rushing to his son's side. "What have you done?" was his first question as he leaned down a bit to examine the Potter boy.

Snorting derisively, Scorpius eased Albus into a chair in the corner of the workroom. " _Nothing_. He's fine. Well…mostly. He just, uh…I guess he skipped a few doses of whatever potion keeps him stable? I may have started an argument. And then he sort of just…gave up…." Worry clear in the frown lines of his forehead, Scorpius leaned against the wall next to the chair. He was reluctant to walk very far away from the man. "I…. I need your help, Father. I need something to stabilize him. Anything. He…. H-he's scaring me."

All mistakes of earlier were a thing of the past. Draco nodded softly in agreement, giving his son a quirky, sad smile. "I'm sure I have something," he whispered. The sheer terror evident in Scorpius' silver eyes was all he needed to get into protective-dad-mode. He continued his examination of Albus as if he was a natural-born Healer. First he checked his pulse, then peered into his stunning verdant eyes, and lastly tried to speak with him. "Son…. Your name is Albus, correct? Albus Potter?"

The youngest Potter boy gave absolutely no indication of whether that was his name or not. He merely tore his chin from the man's gentle fingers and stared down at his hands. An angriness was settling into his shoulders, causing Scorpius' worry to grow more personal. Perhaps bringing him somewhere unfamiliar wasn't the best idea…. His hasty decision-making might have been more destructive than he had intended. Or maybe he was just paranoid now. This was all new and he really had no idea how to handle any of it.

"Okay…. I see you don't want to speak to me," Draco whispered gently. He crouched down before the young man, sweeping his unruly hair away from his face. "You don't have to; it's okay. I'm going to try to help you, anyway. You're hurting. I can see it in your eyes and feel it in your pulse. All you want right now is to scratch yourself to bits as you lie down and cry." He leaned in closer, giving his son a quick look before continuing. "I've been where you are. Believe me, I know how it feels. And I know how much of a relief it is to have a potion you can believe will help you feel grounded. I'm going to get you one of those right now. Alright? But…after you're in your right head, we're going to have a chat. Because I think there is something you need to here."

Albus again sat still as a rock. He looked once over at Scorpius as Draco walked away, but that was all he seemed to be able to do. Draco disappeared into a store closet for a moment before rushing back to his side holding a vial of something cloudy and blue. "It's a good thing St. Mungo's thinks one potion can cure any different way of thinking," he muttered, slipping the bottle into the young Potter's hands. "Go ahead and take it."

In a more determined action than Albus had made all night, he uncorked the vial and quickly drank its contents. For a moment, he sat with his eyes closed as he pulled in deep breaths. Allowed the potion to slip down into his stomach and wash a wave of calm over him. Fixing that out-of-control feeling that made him want to set himself on fire. "Thank you," he whispered after a few minutes, holding the empty bottle back out to Draco. "Can I…. Can I get more of that for the road? I have money."

Sighing heavily, Draco looked up at his son. Saw the relief flooding over him and the stilted breath he was letting out as he examined Albus from his distance. "I have…no idea what kind of mess the both of you are in…." He scrubbed a hand over his face, weary at the prospect of having to deal with his son being involved in something so intense. "What I _do_ know is, that potion I just gave you, Albus…. You may think it's helping you, but I'm here to tell you that you need to rethink that."

"It does help," Albus croaked incredulously. He looked up at Draco, giving the man the dirtiest look he could manage. What gave him the right to say what was good for him and what wasn't? "It's the only thing that brings me back. It's the _only_ thing that helps me live day-to-day. But what would you know? Or care…." He stood abruptly, causing Draco to take quick steps back from him. "Thank you for the potion, but I think I should be going."

"Albus, please…."

Scorpius' plea stopped Albus in his hasty retreat. He looked back for a moment, biting his lip. "What?"

"Just hear me out for a moment. Then you can go," Draco rationalized. Albus crossed his arms in consent to stay, but didn't walk back to his seat. "I've been where you are, son. I have…been through the St. Mungo's mental ward and graduated with honors. The grand prize being that little potion they give every patient. The same potion for everyone. The same potion that only succeeds in giving the one who takes it a momentary relief by giving you a normal heart rate and clearing muddling thoughts from your mind." He rolled the vial between his fingers, the ghost of something haunting his eyes.

"E-excuse me?"

Draco took a few steps closer to Albus, his hand held out toward him. Silently begging him to listen. "They think they're helping – they really do. It's not like they give this out as a…a careless act to get patients to leave. They really feel like what they give you is helping. But it doesn't – not in the long run, anyway. It just gives you an escape so you don't have to really deal with what's wrong. It gives you an escape so you feel like you don't have to talk about what's going on. It wipes away all of the bad so you don't focus on it, but it's still there. It still returns eventually.

"I'm not saying you're not really sick. I'm sure that you are. I was, too. I had depression and panic attacks after the war so bad that I had to remove myself from contact with anyone for months. It wasn't until I finally confided in Scorpius' mother and shared what I was feeling – really talked everything through – that I started to _actually_ feel like I was getting better. I was able to stop taking the potions and find that I could still be happy. All you need…. All you need is someone to confide in. Someone like who I had. Someone close that you trust and love. Someone who can make you feel whole again. Maybe that's Scorpius, maybe it's not – I really don't know. I'm not going to get involved in your love life. I'm just saying…maybe you should rethink some of this."

"Thank you, Father," Scorpius said slowly. Seeing the growing scared look in Albus' eyes again, he rushed forward and took the man's arm. "I think we'll be going, now. Really, thank you. I…. I really appreciate it." He threw Draco one last grateful look before leading Albus out of the shop.

It was silence from then until they arrived back at Scorpius' house. Both men walked back inside, tension filling the space between them. Strangling them so they felt they couldn't breathe properly. "Can I…. Can I get you anything to eat?" Scorpius asked tersely, though he wasn't quite feeling hungry himself.

"Your father seems to know what he's talking about…."

With a small nod, Scorpius recalled what his mother had told him a year ago. About how the two of them had ended up getting together. His father's story fit in just like a puzzle piece. And, for some reason, that gave him a slight bit of hope. Just because they were broken and had been through so much, didn't mean they couldn't fix this together. They just…needed to work hard at it.

"No, I'm okay," Albus sighed when he received no response. He slipped off the coat, his eyes clearly lost in thought as he trailed his way through the house. Passing the kitchen and living room carelessly to reach the hallway that led to the two bedrooms. "I'm…rather tired, actually. Could you possibly…come keep me company? I don't know if I can fall asleep alone tonight."

Albus' soft desire for company struck Scorpius as slightly odd. But who was he to question? The man wanted him by his side as he slept. There was nothing he currently desired more. Well…there was, but this could be good for now. "Sure," he whispered, turning lights off as he followed Albus towards his own bedroom. As he slipped off Scorpius' jumper and trousers. As he slipped in between his sheets in just pants, socks, and a t-shirt. He followed suit in undressing to an acceptable state and climbed in right next to him. Close enough to feel his warmth, but still keeping enough distance to be acceptable.

"Your father," Albus whispered through the dark, his voice strangled by the blanket in front of his face. "Your father has given me a lot to think about. I…. I need some time to think. Tonight. Maybe tomorrow. But…I'm not pushing you away this time. If you'll bear with me…."

Smiling to himself, Scorpius laid back upon his pillows and nodded. "I can do that. Sleep well, Ally."


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know you all are tired of hearing this (as much as I am tired of giving it as an excuse, I'm sure ), but my muse has been crushed by depression lately. The pressure of having three fics to update at once kinda... only made that worse. (The other two are Supernatural, if you're into that thing maybe check them out?) So, that's why this update is super late. That and the fact that I wrote nearly all of it before realizing that both Albus and Scorpius were way out of character. Took me nearly two weeks to work up the gusto to fix all of those errors. BUT! I finally accomplished the daunting task! And I really think all of you are going to be quite happy with this chapter. I want to hear all of your gushing, your happiness, maybe even what you didn't like if you're so inclined - so be sure to leave a comment if you would like. I do read them all and smile and it does really help get my writing flowing. The encouragement brings out the best in me. :D  
> Now, go on! Read! Enjoy! Love you all!!

Somewhere in the middle of the night, Albus shifted. He settled closer to Scorpius, cuddling up to him unconsciously. When he woke in the morning, it was the first thing he noticed. His cheek was settled up against the rounded muscles of the man's chest. His arm was carelessly draped over the other's stomach. He could feel every breath taken and smell the lingering residue of day-old cologne. It was…comfortable.

Even though he was very aware of how wrong this was, Albus couldn't find it in him to move. He knew for a fact that this was Scorpius he was next to. That he shouldn't be with him in his bed for any reason. Two days ago, he was waking up next to Devan and happy for it. Now he was lying next to someone he had loved so deeply it had broken apart his very soul. And it felt more right than anything he had experienced with that other man in the last year.

Now, it wasn't like Devan had meant nothing to Albus. He hadn't just been a placeholder for until he realized he was still very much in love with Scorpius. Al had developed real feelings for the man. It just so happened that they weren't strong enough.

Mr. Malfoy the night before had shed quite a bright light on all of this for Albus. A glaring light that had left him slightly blind with shock. The things he had said and the way he spoke like he truly understood... It was enough to wake Albus up a bit. To cause him to realize that the potions he was taking were nothing more than a crutch. Something to lean on to tell him he was getting better. A momentary escape that numbed his more painful thoughts.

Devan's presence in his life had been like the potions. He was there to hold Albus' hand and tell him it was fine to hide his head in the sand when things turned rough. He was, after all, the epitome of running away instead of thinking through his fears. It was why he kept ending up at St. Mungo's. It was why he would have rather been bribed to eat than try to develop that desire on his own. Everything had just been a momentary fix to the problems he was actively avoiding.

This was all his own fault. As much as he wanted to blame Scorpius…he just couldn't. There were things that had messed him up, that was undeniable. But it was really his fault for allowing it to affect him so badly. For ignoring it. For letting things get so bad.

He should have been talking to people from the beginning. That was the root of it, really. The running around in secret, crying alone, masking the pain was what did him in. He could see that now. He could see that if he had just told _someone_ what he was feeling…. If he had confided in his friends about his feelings for Scorpius and their insane deal from the beginning, they wouldn't even be in this mess. He could have avoided a massive world of hurt.

They could have been happily together for the last year. This bedroom could have been theirs to share. Louis could have been their quirky roommate. They could have all three shared dinners cooked by Scorpius' talented hand. Saturday nights could have been spent out at the bar, drowning themselves in drinks and heated dancing. Goodbye and hello kisses, staying awake all night while talking about everything and nothing, needy fucks after long days, small arguments about stupid things. It could have been absolutely picturesque.

Why had he done everything in his power to stop that future from happening?

Albus shifted his position just enough to be able to peek up at Scorpius through his sleep-heavy lashes. The man looked so peaceful when he slept…. So sweet. So beautiful. Gently, he reached up to sweep a pale, blonde lock from his face and sighed heavily. In that moment, he wished so badly to have known this man as he was now. To love him and fall for him as the strong adult he currently was.

To have completely avoided all of the childish bullshit of the previous year.

If this was just as easy as flicking a switch and deciding to change, Albus would do it in a heartbeat. He would be done playing the coward. He would be done allowing himself to get in the way of his happiness. The anxieties and social fears he held so close would be a thing of the past. He would actively pursue a new life that was all about what he wanted if he could. That would, unfortunately, be at the expense of the kind man who had fallen so deeply in love with him. And that was one of the many things holding Al back from throwing every caution out the window for his happiness.

Anxiety, erratic emotions, a fear of communicating, his guarded tongue – every single hindrance that was thrown around as a possibility during his time at St. Mungo's. All of this and more was what still kept him sealed off from the future. His stomach and mind were masses of anger, confusion, and worry. He was an absolute mess and he couldn't help but to feel lost without his timely potions to revert back to. They were what kept him crippled, but they also still made him feel safe.

The man slumbering beneath him was able to slightly give Albus this sense of safety. His calmly beating heart was a grounding rhythm. The sweet scent of his morning breath was familiar in a way that didn't quite make sense. Just knowing he was there, offering help and some level of unwavering love felt…reassuring. But through the haze of emotions, all of this was difficult to get a firm grasp upon.

That didn't mean, however, that he wasn't going to try. Sometimes it took stepping out of one's comfort zone to really make a change. Perhaps that was all he needed. A good shaking.

Very carefully, not wanting to fully wake Scorpius, Albus scooted up further on the man's chest. He leaned in, gently grazing their lips together. Savoring the taste of them and instantly feeling a year younger, and miles less mature. Feeling like a sex-crazed, confused teenager again. It was nostalgic in the scariest of ways. Al wasn't quite sure if that's what he wanted, but he felt he had to try.

The man made a soft noise in his sleep, just barely shifting closer to Al. Smiling in satisfaction to the response, Albus leaned in and stole a firmer kiss. He had been starved of this touch for so long that it now felt like finally breathing in deeply after a long plunge in ice water. Terrifying and fraught with danger, yet satisfying in the basest of ways.

Behind the lids, Scorpius' eyes began to shift. He was slowly starting to wake up. His arm cinched protectively around the waist of the body on the verge of sliding across his hips. His fingers slipped up under fabric to grace over the exact skin he had been dreaming about for months. He actually couldn't be sure that this wasn't just another dream. A _glorious_ dream. It was too good to be true.

Scorpius battled with the idea of opening his eyes then. He wanted to be able to _see_ Albus and make sure he was actually, physically there. But if he opened his eyes and didn't meet vivid green in return, he knew his heart would be absolutely crushed. Christmas was mere days away, he wasn't ready to deal with that shattering weight during the next few days. So he settled for feigning sleep, only shifting his hips just slightly to show that he acknowledged the lips trailing down his jaw.

A small smile quirked at the corner of Albus' lips as he felt the shift. Even if it was a minimal motion, it still helped to break down one hesitant barrier he held up. "You've changed, Malfoy," he whispered as his tongue flicked out at the other's earlobe. "You've softened…." The fact that he was here in this room at all proved that fact.

This was a different person than he had fallen in love with initially. The rough edges were smoothed out and left him like a polished river stone. Smooth from time spent under the crushing weight of heavy rapids. Better from the trials of life. Something Albus had yet to master.

"Mmn…Allie…," Scorpius groaned softly, sensing the sadness clogging the other's throat. His hand sluggishly ran over the soft, pale from lack of sunlight skin. He knew he had changed, and it was his belief that it was for the better. The influence of the one friend he had – Aubadon – was gone. Now he was influenced only by his life goals, his love and desire for this man in his arms, and the advice given to him by his roommate down the hall.

The mumble of his own name was a soft encouragement. Hearing it kicked Albus right into gear. He slid completely atop Scorpius, settling his knees upon either side of him. In a slow rhythm, he ground his crotch down into the other's. It was an intense reaction to the force of the combative thoughts in his head. The voice that told him to take charge and initiate the intimate act they both wanted. The voice that told him to run away as fast as he could because this could only end in heartbreak. The voice that oh-so-kindly reminded him that he had a boyfriend out there awaiting a response to a beautiful proposal. The voice that said it would be better if he became catatonic and refused to acknowledge the world.

A soft moan absolutely tandem to the one he was holding back quieted most of these voices for the moment. Scorpius sounded like he was drenched with weariness, but he wanted this. If they both wanted it…what was wrong with giving in? Maybe this was a mistake, but couldn't he worry about that later?

The kisses were lazy. Their motions were basic and fueled by habit. There was absolutely nothing original about the way they moved. And yet, it was the most erotic experience either had ever encountered. With a deep grunt, Scorpius shifted his hips under Albus in order to shimmy out of his boxer shorts. "You're okay with this?" he whispered sleepily, his fingers now in the other man's waistband. Halted for permission.

This could have been the turning point for them. If they went through with this act of passion this morning, it could change everything. Albus opened his eyes fully, looking down into the mercurial eyes of the man he knew he loved with everything he was. This right here, was his defining choice. If he did this…it meant turning his back on everything else. On Devan, on expectations for him, on what he and everyone he knew thought of him.

But this was what he deserved, wasn't it? He _deserved_ to be happy and in love! It didn't matter who the man he chose was, just that this was what they both wanted. Just barely, as his fear and hesitation still lingered, Al bobbed his head up and down. He rested his hand over Scorpius' and pushed down the remaining covering between them. "This is what I want," he said on an choked breath as their heated skin met.

With a clumsy fumble, Scorpius reached into the bedside table for the lubricant. But, as he still refused to open his eyes in case this was a dream, his blind fingers couldn't grasp onto it. He kept rustling around, cheeks growing pink with every unnecessary second. He tried to cover up his failed actions by pressing his lips into anything he could reach, but it was still very obvious what was happening.

With an almost sad chuckle, Albus leaned in and kissed the man on the tip of the nose. He was so much more real now than he had been in school. Something about him was open and vulnerable. Still sexy and confident and smart – everything he had fallen in love with. But he was allowing the fact that he made mistakes to shine through into his life. It made him more…human. More relatable to someone so damaged.

"Are you still half-asleep?" Albus asked under his breath as he sat back up. The fingers of his right hand followed the pale trail up Scorpius' arm to the drawer, causing the other to shiver. There was _no way_ he was imagining this. Slowly, he opened his eyes to watch the other's shaking fingers. Once he reached the drawer, he located the small bottle easily and gently folded it into Scorpius' hand. "There…."

In an instant, their positions reversed. With a gasp, Albus found himself under Scorpius, a small smile edging at the corner of his partner's lips. He reached up to softly run his fingers through the other's curls. His fingers snagged upon a snarl, but Scorpius didn't seem to care. He was too content meeting silver eyes with jade, barely breaking the gaze as his free hand explored every inch of body it could be made conscious of.

"I have imagined this so many times," Scorpius whispered. The pad of his thumb smoothed out a worried wrinkle in the center of Albus' forehead. "From the beginning," the hand gripped a handful of shirt where the man's heart would be, "it should have been this..." One of his biggest regrets had become hurting the one he loved. Physically as well as emotionally. The rough sex had been amazing at the time. It was what the dark side of him that catered to Slytherin stereotypes had needed. But now, he felt shame for the things he had said and done. The cracking fissures he had worn into the frail being beneath him.

This - this right here - was going to be his ultimate apology. This was his only chance to right those wrongs. Making lazy, sleepy love to this man was going to be what redeemed him.

That determined look in Scorpius' eyes was almost eerie. Albus opened his mouth to question its force, but found he forgot basic English when his cock was brought to life by such gentle, slicked fingers. Stretching his tired muscles, he cinched his thighs tighter around Scorpius, an absolutely sinful sound escaping his lips.

Moments later, Scorpius took the incoherent babble and mewling sounds as a sign to keep going. He glided his fingers down the half-hardened shaft, towards and past the man's rounded sack. A trail of lubricant was left in his stead, glistening with temptation. The sight of it was enough to drive him mad. His fingers never halted their eager prep work as soon as he dipped a fingertip inside, and his eyes never wavered from watching every expression Al made in response.

When Albus gave the nod to show he was ready, Scorpius lined up and slid inside of him as he'd dreamed about night after night for nearly a year. It felt a million times better than a dream. Now that his eyes were open, he could actually see the beautiful man reacting to everything he did with excitement. Or some echo of that feeling that was shadowed with all the things he might have been feeling. Regardless, he was still able to see just how real this was for the both of them. His eyes may have been heavy with sleep, but they were eagerly taking in everything they could, regardless. He groaned darkly, overwhelmed by it all, the man under him making softer noises in sync with his own.

The way they moved together was slow and loving. It was the epitome of destiny and fate. It was all careful, deliberate movements and deep, ragged breathing. No words were exchanged as they knew exactly what one another felt and wanted. For both men, this was the exact depiction of what they had longed for all of those months away. It was why they had agreed to go along with their deal in the first place. They had both longed deep down for it to end like this. It should have started like this...

In the end, their lazy movements brought them to a crashing orgasm. Surprised by the force of it, Albus gasped and latched harshly onto Scorpius' upper arms. His head flew back against the pillows as he erupted against his lover's chest. In the same moment, he could feel an intense heat flooding through him. Scorpius made a small grunt, pressing his face into the crook of Albus' neck. After the waves of pleasure passed, the blonde flittered kisses over the other's heated flesh. Pulled him close; latched on like he never intended to let go.

"I'm sorry."

Smiling sadly, Albus shook his head and traced the lines of Scorpius' back muscles. "Please don't apologize," he whispered. "Apologizing means…that you regret it…." _Does he already regret it? Did I just enter myself into another harsh year of bad reactions?_

"I don't regret it!" Scorpius said hastily. He sat up, unsticking their sweat and seed-drenched chests. He looked into the deep, scared green of Albus' eyes, content to never look away again. "I just…. I should have had more restraint. We should have waited. I…. I feel like I've broken what I longed for all this time. I-I mean…. How are you feeling? About this?"

The questions forced Albus to look into himself. He took in a long breath, reaching up to run his fingers through his sex-mussed hair. Not that it looked much better on a normal day.

There was certainly no denying the fact that this felt right. That being with Scorpius and feeling him so bare and so close was _right_. And yet…there was still that hesitance. It was a feeling he was sure wouldn't go away soon. He had, after all, spent the last year denying that he even wanted anything to do with this man any longer. It had been the main cause of his feeling of being torn in two. But now that he was here with Scorpius…. It just felt right – that was all there was to it.

Or maybe it would have been all if he could actually grasp onto a normal thought process.

"I feel…. A little on edge. A little scared…. But I also feel…home…." The ghostly pained look in his eyes screamed out that the first two admitted feelings were heavily outweighing the last. Vying for his attention. "I…. I did my best to try and forget you. I really did and I really wanted to be able to. You made me hurt so badly. But I can see now that…doing that only tore me apart. I'm sure I'm unstable and already had that bipolar disorder before you even flitted into my life. But I think…." He sighed heavily. "I think trying to run away from you and the problems we encountered made it so much worse."

"I'm sorry," Scorpius said quickly, pulling out of Albus but not away. He rolled to his side, holding him close to his chest. "I'm sorry for everything I did and everything you went through. And I'm sorry I was an immature little prick. And I'm sorry I allowed Aubadon to fuck me. And I'm sorry I was a coward who was afraid of his own feelings. I'm sorry, okay? I pushed you away. I had a part in it, too. A large part. And I'm just…sorry…."

Albus felt like he should be still angry with this man. But he was just honestly too content currently to keep that emotion going. Why couldn't he just control his mindsets in the way he should be able to? "Shut up," he laughed hollowly, taking in a deep breath of a scent that was purely Scorpius. "Can we just…stop questioning this? Just for a moment?" With a sleepy yawn, he settled in closer to the firm chest beneath him. "The only thing I want to worry about right now…is how I'm going to tell the man who just proposed to me that…I can't ever love him as much as he loves me." He was very slowly coming into being at least comfortable with having to do this. Their intimate act had definitely helped.

"You're a terrible person, Albus Potter," Scorpius chuckled. "A terrible person with a beautiful face."

A content smile dancing on his lips, Albus lifted himself up out of the bed with a long stretch. This was honestly the happiest he had felt in ages. Not that he could say he was all that…happy. More like he was okay and level for the moment. "Can this beautiful face borrow some clothes?"

A few minutes later had both men redressed. With breaths held for the chiding to come, they exited together for the kitchen. Albus took a seat at the table and Scorpius set to cooking breakfast. It all seemed almost normal. As normal as things could be, considering his heart felt like an over-inflated balloon ready to pop at any moment.

"Okay, so...you show up on our doorstep an absolute mess. You won't even give me the decency to give me a reason as to why. Yesterday morning you wanted nothing to do with even Scorpius' name. And then today...you wake up in his bed?" Louis ran his smart mouth the instant he entered the room. They had really expected nothing less. "At least, I'm assuming that's where you ended up sleeping. I know you weren't in my room or on the couch, because I checked. And that fact that you're here now in his clothes sort of shatters my thought of you having gone home, as I told your mother when she frantically came searching around midnight last night..."

"Hey, Lou," Scorpius said coolly, turning just slightly to look at his friend. "Do you know where that pretty, little nose of yours belongs?"

"Where is that, darling?"

"In your own goddamn business."

For a moment, Louis sputtered in shock and stared at his friend's back. Once he regained his composure, though, he stalked right over to him and slapped him across the back of his head. "I would have thought getting laid would have put you in a kinder mood! Jerk."

Albus couldn't help but to allow a small chuckle to burble past his anxiety-frozen lips. The two of them were so...surprisingly perfect together. It wasn't a friendship he had foreseen working so well. But he wasn't about to protest over it. He would much rather deal with his smart-mouth, subtle film-quoting cousin than a jerk such as Aubadon.

After pouring himself a cup of milk, Louis came to sit beside Albus. His stern look wiped away all slight hilarity of the situation. "I believe you still owe me an explanation..."

Quick to his rescue, Scorpius set two plates of sausages, eggs, and toast before them and answered for Albus. "That bulky Squib boyfriend of his proposed. Allie freaked out, came here for safety, and found it. End of bloody story."

"He wasn't a-" A silencing look from Scorpius stuttered Albus' reply. He knew it shouldn't matter, but he felt the need to defend Devan. He wasn't a bad guy, after all... "He wasn't a Squib. For the record. Just...had a non-magical upbringing..."

"Whatever," Scorpius said with an eye roll and returned to the stove. "It doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"

Did it? Biting his lip, Albus shuffled the food around his plate with his fork. He was sure that he didn't want to be with Devan anymore in a romantic way. Did that mean that he didn't even matter anymore? The fact was that he had been there for Al at a low and harsh point of his life. He still cared for the man, despite Devan's flaws and his own recent revelations. The least he should be able to do now was help the other through this rough patch he was personally creating in his life. It didn't feel right to just walk out of his life and leave him in a mess. If he wasn't already on that downward spiral that ended in hospitalization already.

"I should go speak with him today," Albus muttered, taking a harsh bite out of a sausage. "He deserves an explanation."

Just as expected, Scorpius offered, "I'll go with you," with no room for argument in his tone.

Albus winced, catching the narrow-eyed, cautious look Louis was throwing his way. "Um...I think it may be best if...if you didn't..."

Bringing his own food over and sitting quite close beside Albus, Scorpius raised a brow. "Why? It would no doubt be more beneficial for me to come. We could show him that you've moved on. Just in case he doesn't believe you. Then you wouldn't have to deal with his whining to have you back. One look at me and he should understand. Everything will be simpler if I come with."

"I think Albus is right, Scor." Louis settled back in his chair, gesturing with his fork in the air for emphasis. "It would be less of an insult if you stayed back. The poor guy doesn't need to meet the man he's being replaced by."

Albus nodded, grateful for an explanation that sounded sturdier than his own. "Exactly. As much as I would love to have you there for support, I..." He shrugged like it was useless to argue. If he could speak to Devan alone, they could attain closure. He could possibly explain just what he was thinking. Walk him through the mess that was Al's jumbled emotions. Maybe he could even gain a bit of understanding in return.

For the mental well-being of them both, he just needed to go alone.

"Are you going to come back tonight?"

With a grimace, Albus kept his eyes trained on his place. In order to seem like he was keeping things together, he wasn't thinking that far ahead. He had no idea what his plans were for when he was done speaking with Devan. He didn't know if he could feel stable enough to run back into Scorpius' arms. Being with him was refreshing and healing, but it was still taking a lot out of him. And if he was going to try not to take the potions anymore – even though everything inside of him cried out for them – he wasn't sure if coming back here would be wise. It might just be like pouring salt over a recent wound.

"I need time to think, Scorpius," Al said sheepishly, careful to avoid Louis' curious gaze. "Just give me the time to think…. If I feel ready for it, I'll come back. I promise."

In that instant, Scorpius thought he knew just how Albus felt – even if just slightly. Desperate and confused and head-over-heels in love, yet not wanting to show any sign of weakness. Well…this probably wasn't exactly how Albus felt. He probably had a million other emotions combatting for attention besides just these. But it might have been a good taste. And that was enough for Scorpius to nod dutifully and gently run his fingers over the man's elbow. "Take as much time as you need," he whispered, wishing he was still holding onto the tough, Malfoy exterior. It would be so much easier to brush this off if he was better at not caring.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. For me, at least. Don't know about you all but.... Just go ahead and read. And beware, I have only a few chapters off from the end. And keep in mind I promised a happy ending ;)

Regret was really the only emotion Devan could concentrate on as he left Godric's Hollow at Ginny's side. His shoulders were slumped and the numbness throughout him made it so he could barely feel the apparation. He barely heard her ask if he wanted her to stay. Barely recalled brushing her off and setting the ring box on the counter. Barely heard her tell him it was beautiful and sigh and apologize before taking the silence as a cue to leave. That he just wanted to be alone more than anything.

A good part of him hoped that Albus would be in the apartment somewhere. He wandered between every single room, taking stock of the empty surroundings before shuffling onto the next one. It was like he was a soulless ghost, searching for that one piece that could make him whole again. A useless dream because he was fairly sure he would never be allowed to feel that way.

Albus was gone. Albus wasn't coming back.

And now all Devan had were his regrets. He collapsed onto the couch, carefully making sure to occupy the seat that Albus was usually perched in. Absently, he reached out to finger the embossed cover of the novel the other had been working on. Little reminders of him were just everywhere around him….

Things had seemed…alright. Not perfect, because Devan knew that he was far from, but at least good enough. They were doing okay! They didn't fight and they were intimate nearly every single night. He was trying to work on his problems, and, as far as he knew, so was Albus! That's why they had been good for one another.

There were many things he could have done differently. The sex could have been better. He could have been genuine. Less eager. Could have waited until _he_ knew that Albus ready. He could have been less selfish and just _waited_. Or he could have simply discussed the matter with the younger man before jumping right into it.

Aside from intimacy, he knew he should have talked more in general. Kept less secrets. The magic lessons were fine to have hidden because they had achieved the end result he had desired. But he could have been mode open about how often he really skipped meals. Could have said he was spending time with his ex-girlfriend, at his mother's insistence. It probably would have been smart to tell him that he was meeting with Albus' mother, as well, a few times a week. Trying to keep some bridge of communication open between the two. Filling her in on Albus and his zoned-out, focused-in state as of late.

But all of this was complete retrospect. It was all the whinings of a man looking back on his mistakes. It was pathetic.

Anger sweeping violently through him, Devan stood up off the couch. He tore across to the kitchen, throwing open the cupboards and throwing food onto the counters. It started with him taking one item in his hands, reading the contents and judging the calories. Then he was tearing the box open, eating handfuls of the cereal. Until it started to taste like cardboard, at which point he would move on to another box. This vicious cycle lasted for nearly a half hour. By the time he was finished, Devan was absolutely stuffed to the point of puking.

Which he did, of course, the second guilt caught up with him. "This is why he doesn't want me," he groaned into the toilet bowl. "I'm pathetic...so he left..."

Devan's range of emotions was absolutely erratic. It was reminiscent of his last breakdown. Of when Esther had run off. When she left without a word of explanation. Somehow, this just kept happening. He would get close to people. Trust them. Give himself completely to them to the point of allowing himself to be vulnerable. And then…they would just leave….

After emptying out the contents of his stomach completely, Devan managed to crawl out of the bathroom. Like a pitiful snake, he made his way back to the kitchen and sat on the edge of where carpet met tile. His eyes were laser-trained upon the half-empty boxes and cans and bags scattered upon the floor. All of the food laying strewn about and the half-crushed crumbs and bits ground into the grouted cracks.

All of this made him feel vile. The bile on his tongue, the filth before him, the weariness in his bones, and the pathetic mewl stuck in his throat. He knew that in that moment, he was nothing better than a waste of space. His heart was broken. He had ended up in the exact same position he had been in twenty months ago. His breakdown that had led to his third hospitalization.

He was sure that if this ended in a fourth, it would be his last. He would never leave St. Mungo's again. What was the point?

The night passed in a haze of mixed emotions. Devan ranged from sobbing to angrily pounding his fist into the tile until it bled to laughing hysterically for hours. Millions of thoughts ran through his head, none of which made much sense after a while. Eventually his hysteria-drenched exhaustion kicked in. The instant he laid backwards upon the carpet, he was out.

A part of Devan that was desperate to fix the state he was in allowed him to sleep far past normal hours. It forced him into a slightly-fitful hibernated state where light, sound, and time meant next to nothing. Where Ginny's frightful knocks to the door did nothing to wake him. Where his landlord having to come manually unlock his apartment didn't even come close to registering for him. Where it took a full glass of ice-cold water to his face to even bring him partially back to consciousness.

Sputtering through the slight-drowning feeling, Devan sat bolt upright and wiped his face frantically. "Oh, dear Merlin," he heard Ginny whisper, her vocal cadences much too similar to Albus' to bear at that moment. He groaned, rolling onto his side and clutching his head. "Thank you, I can take it from here," she told the landlord, ushering him out rather quickly before slamming the door closed.

"I'm not sure whether to thank you or yell at you to leave," Devan muttered, his eyes squeezed shut. "I'm sure I would have rather stayed asleep…."

Sighing, Ginny took on a mother hen look and crossed back to the man, kneeling down before him. "You smell of vomit, your kitchen looks as if vermin tore it apart, and you were dead cold asleep. Waking you seemed rather necessary." She pushed the sleeves up on her slightly-oversized jumper and pushed hair back from his face. "I merely wanted to check in on you. Bring you some dinner."

 _Dinner._ Nearly a whole day had passed. Groaning, Devan forced himself to sit up. His abdomen ached and he felt physically ill. He'd eaten too much and still felt the need to dispel himself of the poison. "Unless you have Albus waiting outside with some answers, I think I would prefer it if you left…." That would be the only thing he felt could help in that moment. Answers. A reason. Some sort of explanation for why his life was falling apart.

"I can't, in all honesty, say that I do…. But I have the intention of going out to look for him tonight. And when I find him, you will definitely be getting your answers." Her smile sick as sin, Ginny stood and went to clean up Devan's mess.

A strange chill ran down the young man's neck. The way she barged in here, the way she spoke, that look that borderlined angry and concerned – she intended to help him. To make sure he was doing alright, even if that meant for the moment pushing aside what her own son may be going through. Meaning that Albus had done this before, he was sure, and she seemed to care quite a bit about his well-being. It was a new sort of concept for him. His own mother certainly wouldn't be reacting anywhere close to the same in this sort of situation. If he wasted breath on telling her he was feeling quite rundown, she just wouldn't care. She'd merely 'say a prayer for him'.

When Devan got slowly to his feet, Ginny looked sideways at him. Her wand was busy working to clear away the mess, but with her skill she didn't have to keep too much focus upon it. "When Mr. Potter and I…announced our divorce, Albus ran off. Much like this. He was eight and…already so wary of the world. So aware. He was quite mature for his age. Always has been, really."

"So he has a habit of running off?" Devan questioned hopefully, standing at the edge of the kitchen, leaning upon the wall. That could mean he was coming back…. Maybe he just needed processing time.

With an almost sad chuckle, Ginny shrugged and tied off the full garbage bag, setting it off to the side. "Not always. Sometimes it's a day's worth mopey fit, sometimes he refuses to interact with other humans for weeks, and sometimes he runs away. There's really no telling how he will react to something."

That was a little less reassuring. Albus had a tendency to freak out. He didn't react well to many things. He was…dramatic. It seemed like he had a side to him that Devan hadn't fully experienced yet. Until now, that was. And he wasn't quite sure if this was the last time he wanted to deal with it. "So…." He bit his lip, unable to take his eyes off the satisfying sight of all the food sitting in the trash bag. "So how do you get him to come back from these…reactions? How do you get him to sit down and just…talk?"

Sensing the slight frustration, Ginny crossed to Devan and wrapped her arms around him gently. "I know this is incredibly hard to process. I know you put your heart and soul into that proposal. I helped you plan it, remember? I can completely understand what you're going through. But…Albus is a very different man. He's always been difficult to reason with. But, trust me when I say this, when I find him…I will definitely do everything I can to drill some sense into him." Giving one last squeeze, she pulled away and smiled hopefully. When she walked away, so did the reassurance she momentarily gave Devan. But he wasn't sure if that had to do with the fact that she went to work unpacking the sandwiches she'd brought with.

"It took us much too long to find him when he was eight. He'd run to Floo as soon as the words left our mouths. We couldn't catch him in time and he...he didn't even say where he was going. There was just a flash of green and he was gone. We were terrified…." The woman sighed at the memory. "We went house-to-house of everyone in the family and came up…extremely empty-handed. By the time night fell, we were in full panic mode. Harry ran to the Ministry and tried to find _anyone_ that could tell him how to find out where he went.

"Turns out that he Floo'd to the Leaky Cauldron. His friend Frankie's parents own it and…it was one option we had overlooked. But that was where he was. Somewhere he felt safe, sipping on hot chocolate and eating a biscuit like it was absolutely nothing. Probably not even aware of how frantic he had made his parents. Either that or…he didn't care." She shrugged, turning towards Devan and offering a plate with half a turkey sandwich and a small salad. "Over the years, I've settled on thinking it was payback for the way we supposedly betrayed him."

With his lip curled in disgust, Devan took the plate and set it on the dinner table. "I'm not hungry," he mumbled, rather aware of the taste of vomit still on his tongue. He felt like he could easily go days without ingesting anything else. Some of his binge had to have stuck and he needed to regain his will.

Giving a small knowing look, Ginny nodded and slipped the rest of the food she had brought over into the fridge. "Well…if you get hungry later, you know where to find it." She crossed to Devan, leaning up on her toes to press a soft kiss to his cheek. "I should get going before it gets too late. If I find him, I will let you know. Okay?"

Devan nodded and watched her go, instantly feeling brought down at the disappearing sight of her. Having someone there to distract him from his wallowing thoughts for a moment had been…rather nice. Sighing heavily, he picked the plate back up and just stared at it for the longest time. Memorized every single inch of the sandwich. The color of the cheese, the crispness of the lettuce, the exact amount of mayo smeared upon the whole-grain bread. It looked tempting, especially after the night before. Especially since he was eager to cave into the soft voice he could hear nagging at his mind from the mirror. The one that beckoned for him to just give in and become what he feared.

His disgust finally overwhelming him, Devan tossed the plate on the counter and turned heel. He walked back to the bedroom, deciding that he had interacted with the world enough the last two days. Nothing sounded better than cozying up to the pillows that smelt like Albus for uncountable hours. Nothing sounded better than allowing something to ground him for awhile until he felt he could deal with reality again.

~*~

Devan had no idea how much time had passed. He had no idea how long he had zoned out in front of the television, watching cooking shows. No idea how long he had been sobbing while clutching Albus' pillow. No idea how long he had been muttering to himself about being an absolute disappointment to everything he touched.

All he was aware of was the growing gnawing feeling in his stomach and his steadily darkening depression. It all felt so familiar. After Esther had left, he had gone through this exact process. And he knew exactly where that had landed him. It was a place he had never wished to be again.

A hazy length of time later, Devan found his ears pricking up. For the first time in hours, he felt actually tuning in with the world. Frowning, he sat up in bed and reached for the remote. Once the television was muted, he could better hear the front door opening. He couldn't remember if it had been locked or not and therefore couldn't be sure who was coming into the apartment. But a small part of him held hope for hearing the one voice he craved more than anything at that moment.

"Dev?"

It was so soft, Devan was certain he was hearing things. His mind was playing tricks on him. Biting his lip, he clutched the pillow tighter to his chest and contemplated answering back. He _wanted_ Albus to be here. That was the only reason he felt he was hearing his voice. Replying might only end in disappointment.

"There you are."

And there he was. Albus looked...good. Great. Like he wasn't suffering through anything. The clothes he wore were a bit big for his small frame and a bit expensive for his taste. They weren't his. Which had Devan questioning whether he was hallucinating his presence or not.

"Devan..." With a sigh that sounded much too real to be made up, Albus crossed from the doorway towards the bed. Perched upon the end of it. Gave Devan space he wished could be closed. "I... I don't know what to say."

Suddenly, the weight of the ring in Devan's jean pocket seemed much too heavy to carry. He fished for it with agony and just stared at the box in his fingers. Albus' green eyes, saddled with insecurity, latched upon it. His shoulders sagged, giving Devan the first glimpse of the struggle he was experiencing internally.

Anger taking over his actions, making him irrational, Devan threw the box towards those bewitching eyes. He hit Albus square in the jaw, eliciting a slightly stunned squeak. "You just fucking left!" Devan shouted. Every single thought he had held inward since then exploded with those words.

Bowing his head in resignation, Albus nodded slowly. He wasn't about to deny it. How could he? All he could offer now was an explanation. "I know, Devan... And I would apologize if I felt that could even help you. But it won't..." He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.

"No. It won't." Devan intended for his words to come out harsh. His tongue, however, couldn't be vicious to this man. Not when he so badly longed to reach out and forgive him for all he had done. To beg him to come back just love him. They could forget he had proposed. Having him back meant more than a relationship status. "Just tell me why, Albus. We can get through whatever it is. If it's sex... We can get through that, okay? We can go back to not having sex! I can be okay with that! Because I love you and...you mean more to me than anyth-"

As Devan shifted from under the covers and towards Albus, the other man shifted away. The blatant rejection stilled the words on his lips and shook his resolve. It wasn't going to be that simple.

"I..." Albus stood hastily, rubbing at his forehead. Searching for words and emotions to grasp onto. He needed to resolve this, but the way that usually strong man was looking at him was making things difficult. He was just so broken. Food crumbs and puke covered the front of his shirt. He hadn't reacted well...

How was he going to react once he ended this completely?

"It's not sex, okay?" he began softly. "It's... It's something bigger, Dev..."

 _Something bigger...?_ Devan launched off the bed, as well. He was done trying for restraint. Desperation was winning over. He took Albus' face in his hands, trying to catch his gaze. Trying to reconnect with him in any was possible. "Did I tell you about what happened between Esther and I?" Albus tried to wriggle away, but he kept his grip. "Did I?!"

"No!" Al shouted, refusing to make eye-contact. Devan looked absolutely manic and his breath was putrid.

Devan didn't like to talk about it. He hadn't said much about Esther to anyone. It hurt too much. Gripping Albus' jaw a little tighter, he leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. "She left me, too," he ground out. I told you that much... Apparently she left...because she was pregnant." He shuddered, hating the words leaving his mouth. Hating the way they tasted after being kept inside for so long.

"Remember your birthday? When I spoke with her?" Albus nodded feebly, not trusting his own voice. He needed to be strong but didn't know how to right now. Those were heavy words Devan was speaking. "She told me then. And...that was why it took so long. I should have told you. I know that. But, um... I didn't even know how to reconcile with it myself..."

Devan had seen a lot of shit in his life. And, right now, Albus was just about to cause more. He felt like a terrible person. He _was_ a terrible person. _"A terrible person with a beautiful face."_

"She gave the baby up for adoption. She never even considered letting me have a choice in the decision…." Devan sighed through the tears starting to well up in his throat and his eyes. "But that doesn't _matter_ , does it? You would never do that to me…. You love me, Allie. I know you do. Just because you ran off…. It doesn't mean…."

Albus knew that the way he avoided eye-contact and the silence of his tongue screamed the exact opposite. He shuddered, hating what he was about to say. It was going to absolutely destroy this man. "I can't marry you, Devan," he said quietly, tearing his jaw from the slacking grip. He took a few steps to distance them, feeling as if he was suffocating on the tension. "And I can't stay with you, either…."

An awkward silence passed then where both heavily considered running. Neither of them were emotionally equipped to handle what they were going through. They were both shaky on their feet and would rather hide from their problems than deal with them. It was why they were so potentially toxic together.

"Were you…using me?" Devan asked under his breath, not quite trusting his voice to remain loyal at this point. Inside he was crumbling apart. Inside he was becoming a scared little boy again and was desperately trying to cling to his outer façade.

The act of using, to Albus, seemed like a conscious decision. It seemed like something he would have known he was doing. And…it didn't feel like that to him. He bit his lip, shaking his head slowly before sitting back down on the edge of the bed. "I did not…. It was not…. My intentions were pure, Devan. I promise. And…. And I really do… _did_ …." He sighed, head falling into his hands. This was more difficult than he had anticipated. His heart was beating out of his chest to signify the panic attack that was coming on. "Love you…."

Nodding in acceptance, Devan sat down beside him. He reached up to run his fingers through that always-messy hair and let a mournful breath out through his nose. This was it. This was the end. He was fighting the urge to break down completely. To cry and scream and throw an absolute tantrum. "Right, um…. Well…." He dropped his hand down to the bed and shrugged. What was there to say, really? What _could_ he say? Albus was obviously set on this. This was his decision. And if that made him happy…. Then so be it.

"I would appreciate it if…you would leave. Take your shit. Take the ring I bought for _you_ …. And just go." He tilted his head to the side and closed his eyes. The world sounded like it was crashing down around him. He was losing his grip on hope and life and happiness. They had been so good. What had happened? "I…. I hope the guy that loves you now…the one that gave you these clothes and gave you a place to stay these last couple days…. I hope he loves you better than I could. I hope he's everything you need to keep you sane and happy." He laughed, a hauntingly depressed sound. "I hope he's exactly what you need."

Unable to find any other words to say – a retort, an apology, an excuse – Albus pushed up off the mattress and stared down at Devan in silence for a moment. He had never wanted this. Devan was a good man with a good heart. Hurting him had never been part of the plan. But how was he to avoid it? If he wanted to be happy, how was he supposed to keep this man happy as well? He swallowed the pain this caused him and quickly moved around the room, gathering the few things he had.

It didn't take long for him to have everything of his packed into a duffel bag that waited for him by the door. He lingered for a moment in the small hall that led to the bedroom, feeling as if there was something left unsaid. Like he should go in and comfort Devan. Apologize some more. Explain what he was doing. Make him understand that hiding from his problems had only harmed him. That he needed more to his love life than someone who felt comfortable only because they were both so broken.

He sighed heavily and lashed out at the wall with a closed fist. Being here was doing nothing good for him. The longer he waited to leave, the more he started to regret his rash decision. The more he felt he should stay with Devan and hold him close. Tell him he was lying. Tell him that he still loved him more than anything and couldn't imagine a future without him. Put that ring in his pocket on and make it seem like he wanted nothing more than to marry him.

"The longer you stand there in silence, the more I want to come kiss you and beg you to reconsider."

Albus chuckled darkly towards the floor, their thoughts too similar for comfort. "I just don't want to leave this unresolved," he said quietly.

"It's okay. Just…. Just go. I want you to be happy, Albus. More than anything, just go be happy and healthy and create a perfect family with that rich boy. The one I'm sure has perfect mental health and loves himself as much as he loves you. Just…go…."

Unable to say that he felt good in his decision, Al nodded and made for the door. He slung the duffel bag's strap over his shoulder and walked out. The door closing behind him signaled the end to where he had once felt comfortable. It started a new journey full of passion and true love. It was supposedly the mark of something spectacular. Yet, all he could think was just how scared he was and how guilty he felt.

Being with Scorpius felt _right_ , but dooming Devan to an unhappiness he knew he feared felt so _wrong_. But he just couldn't have it both ways, could he? And if he had to choose one…he knew that he was going to pick Scorpius every single time – hands down.

With that thought in mind, keeping ahold of the justification it gave him, Albus walked away from that momentary tryst. He turned his back on a comfortable escape and made his way back to his undeniable true love. It was better this way. He could be better this way. It was what was best.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even want to try and recall how long it's been since I posted.... And I'm sorry. Again. As always. I'm really trying and... that's all I can really offer :/ I'm going to say there's about... two or three more chapters left to be written and then this is over. So I'm trying to get through that before pursuing anything off to the side (although my brain is completely taken over by Destiel lately....)  
> Anywayyyy I hope you all enjoy! It's... a bit draggish in my opinion, but it's also very necessary. Read on. As always, I love to hear your comments and reviews! Thanks.

_Where do I go from here?_

It was a question that played over and over and over again on Albus' mind. After leaving Devan, he did end up back at Scorpius' house. But he hadn't said a word. He simply dropped his duffel bag near the door and flopped down upon the couch. That break up had been the hardest thing he had ever done. It was the first time he could ever remember crushing someone's heart. And it felt absolutely terrible.

"So…how did it go?"

Scorpius' question was casual and unobtrusive, but it didn't stop Al from wincing at the sound of his voice. He knew he shouldn't have come here. He should have gone home. Talked to his mother. Gave her a reason for leaving the other night. Talked to his father. Asked him for advice about finding the right person to settle down with.

"I take it not well..."

Albus shrugged and sighed, relaxing further back into the couch. Trying to become one of the cushions because they didn't have to worry about human emotions. "Better than expected," he muttered. "And yet...not..."

Giving a soft smile of sympathy (definitely not empathy because how could he ever compare their love lives?), Scorpius settled down beside the other man. Wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him close. The end result had Albus perched up in Scorpius' lap, their fingers laced and curled up into Al's chest.

Never in his entire life had Albus felt more safe and secure.

Despite himself, he settled into the hold and closed his eyes. If he didn't think about it...Devan didn't matter. This could be all that mattered. "I'm proud of you for handling it," Scorpius whispered into his ear, soothing him in unspeakable ways. "I'm proud of you for not running from this problem. That shows strength."

At this point, Albus felt the complete opposite of strong. But the encouraging words did cause a bubble of happiness inside of him. It was a start. A new, fresh start - for both of them.

~*~

It had been a year since the shattering event that led to Albus' breakdown. A year since he walked into the Malfoy house with expectant thoughts. He walked in this time, however, with an entirely different set of emotions. There was less hope to his shaking fingers and more nerves.

Meeting Scorpius' parents wasn't really the big problem tonight. He could deal with that - it almost seemed easy after the year and a half he'd had. What he dreaded most about re-entering this house, instead, were the memories. They had broken him a year ago and he was afraid of the same thing happening again.

Sucking in a ragged breath, Albus closed the front door behind them. He used it as a brace against his back - something to ground him and hold him steady for the moment.

"Just take deep, slow breaths, Allie," Scorpius said softly and set their overnight bag off to the side. "You can do this." He kept his back to the other man, eyes trained on his mother as she came quickly into the entrance hall.

"Scorpi!" Astoria laughed brightly, scooting forward as quickly as her high heeled boots would allow. Desperate to find a distraction, he focused on the petite and rather furry, brown shoes. His eyes slowly travelled up further, taking in the rest of her wintery outfit. Grey knitted leggings under a sleek, royal blue dress that barely covered her backside. Around her neck was a simple cord necklace which held a simple geode pendant paired with a tuft of tawny feathers. She was dressed modestly and yet with obvious taste and style. Her hair was pulled back into a complicated-looking braid with small tendrils of dark curls framing her well-aged face.

Scorpius didn't even try to contain the delighted grin seeing his mother brought on. He stepped forward, slipping easily into her arms. "Hello, Mother. Happy Christmas."

"Well, it's not Christmas yet, sweetheart. I won't hear that greeting from you until you wake up once more under my roof on Christmas morning," the woman chided, looking past their embrace to the timid young man pressed against the front door. Smiling softly, she whispered to her son, "You've brought us someone special, haven't you?"

A soft blush to his cheeks that stemmed from knowing what his mother knew exactly, Scorpius turned towards the entrance. He waved forward the other man, an encouraging upturn to the corners of his lips.

"I have... The two of you haven't formally met." Albus stepped cautiously forward, eyes upon his feet as he walked. Making sure everything he did was calculated in order to remain in control of his own emotions. He felt the hand go around his waist, reminding him that he was okay and he was safe. It was different this visit. "Mother, this is Albus Potter. Allie, my mother - Astoria."

There was a harsh note of pity lingering in Astoria's eyes as she held her hand towards Albus. He wasn't sure if that was from his running out a year ago or if she actually knew what had happened to him. Either way, it was quite unsettling. "Nice to, uh...," he muttered and took her hand, trailing off with an unsure shrug. They had met before and pretending that hadn't happened didn't feel right.

Nodding tersely in understanding, Astoria dropped the contact and turned away. "Come. Your father should be nearly finished with dinner."

A cautious shiver ran down Albus' spine at the mention of Malfoy senior. The last (and only, as far as he could recall) encounter with this man hadn't ended so well. He knew and understood now how stubborn he had been towards someone whose only intention had been to help. He had been a jerk. The situation had been…difficult, but that didn't exactly excuse his behavior. And he was a bit terrified to find out if the man held grudges.

The walk down the long, seemingly never-ending hallway was akin to torture. The entire way, Al fidgeted with the hand that wasn't held tightly within Scorpius'. He straightened his tie, tugged at his dress-shirt to make sure it was tucked in just right, raked his fingers through his chin-length hair – anything to try and distract his racing mind. He was barely holding on, having completely quit his potions. The nerves were only increasing how erratic he was threatening to become.

"Just breathe," Scorpius reminded Al as they entered the dimly lit room.

With a careful nod, Albus blinked and looked around them. What he saw was completely opposite of what he expected. The long dining table laden with expensive foods and an overwhelming amount of dinnerware was completely missing. Instead, they had walked into a nice sitting room/casual dining room combination.

It was comfortable in its subtle luxury. The furniture was lush, but not in your face. A fire roared softly in the fireplace, giving off an earthy, holiday scent. Overall, it was homier than he had expected. From all he had heard of the Malfoy family – how cold and selfish and uncaring they were. But this…this said exactly the opposite of all of that. Despite the nerves dancing under his skin, Albus felt a smile curling the corners of his lips.

"Scorpius! We were beginning to think you weren't going to come."

An elderly woman sitting in the corner of a sofa instantly brightened at the sight of them. She raised up off the cushions, smoothing out her long black dress before crossing to the pair. Her eyes, for the moment, slipped right over Albus, focusing brightly upon Scorpius. "Happy Christmas, Grandmother," the blonde man chuckled, wrapping his arms around the woman. He ran his fingers over the brilliant blonde hair cascading down her back, breathing in her familiar scent. "And you can't really blame me for the lateness…."

Flushing scarlet, Albus took a step back from his boyfriend. He had been the reason they were late. Just before walking out the door, his emotions had bested him. He had gone manic and almost backed out on going with. Feeling eyes on him, Al focused on the floor and scratched at the back of his neck. "I'm…. I, uh…. Sorry."

"Oh, hush," the woman snapped, smacking at the Potter boy's shoulder. He jumped, startled, and looked up at her. "There is no need to apologize. Whoever you are…." She winked at him with a secret smile before stepping back. "Now, how about we get you boys some posset and make introductions?"

Taken aback by the…friendliness, Albus gave a dumbstruck nod before sitting down where the woman had been a moment ago. Scorpius gracefully took the seat beside him, wrapping his arms protectively around him. A moment later, the woman was pushing a warm mug into both of their hands, her eyes scanning their closeness like a hawk.

"Grandmother," Scorpius said gently after taking a sip of the brew. She smiled attentively down at him. "Grandmother, this…is Albus Potter. My, uh…. My…."

"Boyfriend," Astoria supplied from behind them. Her attention was on levitating a few dishes towards the small table, but she was still able to flash a happy grin towards her son. "The absolute love of his life."

It was Scorpius' turn to blush, but the smile never faded from his face. "Mother…," he whined half-heartedly. "We haven't yet labeled it. Okay? But just know that Albus means a great deal to me." He pinched Al's side playfully. "And, Allie, this is my grandmother – Narcissa."

"Hello," Albus said weakly, looking up at the woman for a moment before losing his bravery.

She had a gaze that could cut through glass. He was sure she was a lovely woman, but right then she was as bit much. She seemed a bit too severe and was most likely judging him for his family name. There was no doubt that they were all judging him for that reason.

"Everyone come sit, please."

Al was thankful for the excuse to stand. To be busy. He pushed up off the couch quickly and turned his attention to Scorpius' father as he entered the room carrying a tray with extreme care. He paused at the sight of the man, faltering in his step a bit. But when he received an encouraging nod from Draco, every fearful thought dulled considerably. "Nice to see you again, Albus," he said and gestured to the table after setting the tray down. "Come."

Scorpius' hand on his back for support, Albus walked towards the table. He took a seat beside his boyfriend. Opposite of him was Narcissa, looking like she absolutely belonged at the simple table. Then again, she probably would look like she belonged _anywhere_. She looked like she owned the space she occupied. Next to her sat Astoria, divinely perched upon her seat. Between her and Scorpius at the head of the table was Draco. He looked every bit like he belonged there.

The spread of food was almost too normal in comparison to what Albus had been expecting. Braised duck, roasted vegetables and potatoes, fresh-made rolls, bread sauce, and cranberries. It was too peasant for the great and powerful Malfoys. Or, more likely, he had put them up on a higher pedestal than himself and his own family. Everything he was seeing was such a surprise as a result, causing him to question his assumptions. Perhaps they were a much warmer group of people than he had anticipated.

Silently, everyone took their food and began eating. The family seemed like one that didn't need to constantly fill space with words. They were content speaking when necessary and it was actually pretty comforting. Albus smiled over at Scorpius shyly, raising a bite to his mouth. The other didn't hesitate to return the sentiment, reaching over to squeeze Al's leg in encouragement.

"Why did you fall for my grandson?"

The question came out of nowhere. Brow raised in surprise, Albus turned his gaze on Narcissa, eyes wide and wary. He wasn't sure what the right answer here was, but he knew he didn't want to give the wrong one. Cautiously, he set his fork down and chewed the rest of his bite as he thought. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, curious to hear his answer. "Um…I guess because…. Because he kissed me like an angel... An angel who craves sin." Blood rushed to his cheeks, flaming his face. He didn't dare look away from the older woman's eyes, though he was itching to see Scorpius' reaction.

"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy!" The name was hissed on a shocked whisper, causing Albus to wince in reaction and avert his eyes back to his plate. But a giggle followed a moment later that brought him curiously peeking back up. "Who taught you to be such a little fox?" There was a collective laugh shared around the table at Astoria's teasing question. It helped to ease a bit of the tension in Al's muscles, but he couldn't bring himself to join in. There was something stopping him from feeling like he was allowed to. Something that said he wasn't quite a part of the family yet and therefore wasn't given that privilege.

Nudging Albus with a deep chuckle of his own, Scorpius answered smoothly, "Would it be too much to believe I came by it on my own?"

Now, Albus wasn't entirely sure how much Scorpius' family knew about his past relationships. He didn't know if they were aware of how much Aubadon had taught their precious heir to the aristocratic Malfoy lifestyle. So when he actually laughed at the comeback, it may have sounded a bit too genuine because of his (most likely) inside information. He covered his mouth quickly, realizing how loud he'd been. "I'm sorry," he whispered through his fingers. He quickly picked his fork back up and muttered another apology.

"And what exactly is so funny?" Scorpius teased, leaning in closer to his boyfriend.

With vigor, Al shook his head quickly back and forth. "Nothing. Nothing is…funny. Nothing at all. Uh…go back to your dinner." He looked up towards the head of the table with a forced smile. "This is great. Really. I mean I've never-"

"Shh," Scorpius intoned, grabbing his chin and pulling him into a stun-inducing kiss. Every fiber of Albus melted into the soft touch, letting out a moan as he felt his shoulders slumping into relaxation.

"Aren't you two just disgustingly sweet?" Astoria chirped, her slightly taken aback tone bringing Albus to blearily reopen his eyes. He sat back in his own seat, a dazed look to the green of his irises. "But, um…maybe we could all finish eating? Save… _that_ …for later?"

"It was just a kiss, Mother," Scorpius grumbled to himself, but let the argument die at that.

The rest of dinner was the kind of silent that actually did stem from awkwardness. It seemed that even though the elder Malfoys knew about Scorpius' leanings and Albus, they still might not be entirely comfortable with the idea.

Albus could remember a conversation he had with his own mother shortly after he had proudly come out to the family. They were all nothing but supportive and things went better than expected. But in that conversation, his mother warned him that it wouldn't always be that way. Should he choose to date someone in their world that came from a long-established family, he may endure complications. Some of the older wizard families were extremely set in their ways. And, more often than not, that meant being abject to change. Messing with bloodlines and heirs in some cases could qualify as such a difficult change.

Back then, he had laughed off the warning. What odds did he have of finding someone so established within their community that actually had a desire to be with him? The thought didn't even seem logical to him at that time. But now…. He was starting to see what she meant.

It was also starting to become quite clear as to why Scorpius had been so afraid to come out of his secret closet.

"Well," Draco said at the end of the meal, setting his napkin upon the table and pushing back from the table. "Astoria, darling, if you would clean up…." His wife dutifully nodded and stood up from her own half-eaten helping. "Scorpius and I will get the game set up."

Standing, sort of uneasily, from his chair, Albus looked questioningly at Scorpius. He had been told they were coming here for dinner tonight. There had been no mention of anything following that. He had half expected that they would just…leave….

"It's tradition," the other man explained, pushing his chair in. "Every Christmas, we have dinner and then share in a holiday game of Grandfather's creation."

"And after, we have dessert and head to bed, where we hang our stockings before sleep," Draco finished. He made his way over to the perfectly-decorated and absolutely uniform Christmas tree by the fireplace. Every single branch fit with the classy black, red, gold, and silver theme and not a single bulb or bobble was out of place. It almost made Al ashamed of his own family's 'everything special gets hung' tree.

Clearing his throat softly, Scorpius stepped up beside his father and looked momentarily back at Albus. His mercury eyes were filled with something softly like…pity or encouragement, but also housed a hint of sadness. When he turned forward once more, he spoke with his voice lowered enough to not be overheard. Suddenly nervous again, Al worried at his lip and sighed deeply.

"Oh, don't get anxious, my dear," Narcissa voiced smoothly in his ear. He tilted his head just slightly to see her form, but kept his full focus on the father/son pair. "If they were speaking ill of you, they would do it to your face. Malfoy men rarely keep their harsh thoughts to themselves. Apparently it's a sign of weakness to hold back."

Frowning and definitely not reassured, Albus shrugged. "I am…fairly certain Scorpius isn't the typical Malfoy man. It wouldn't surprise me if he didn't conform to your expectations on most ideals."

The sophisticated laugh that bubbled out of the woman beside Al caused him to jump slightly. He had almost directly insulted her and she was…laughing. Had he not expressed his distaste for their Pureblood 'culture' clear enough? He frowned up at her for a moment before choosing to walk away in his confusion rather than ask questions.

Biting his lip, he crossed back over to the couch, sitting down upon it heavily. Now that dinner was over, awkwardness was starting to sink into his bones. He no longer had a real purpose for being here. Not really, anyway. He was now just sitting there, feeling like he didn't belong. Did he belong here? He wasn't entirely sure he could last a whole night in this house surrounded by these people and the things they made their priority.

" _Allie_." Feeling shaky and overall uncomfortable, Albus shied away from Scorpius snap and his gentle touch to the shoulder. He bent over at the waist, head falling into his hands as he struggled to take in deep breaths. He wanted to tell the man that he needed a minute. That he was okay, but was just…having trouble keeping his head. But words wouldn't find his vocal chords and his lips were tightly shut. He felt Scorpius sit down beside him, even without the direction, and ran his fingers lightly across Al's back. It was a soothing gesture that definitely did help his body to understand that he was okay. But his mind was still racing. Why couldn't he get his emotions to focus? Why couldn't he just _stop_ feeling overwhelmed? "It's okay. Just…breathe through it. It's okay…."

Nodding, Albus tried to pull his heavy head up. He made it about halfway into a normal position, crooking a pained smile at his boyfriend for just a moment before looking back down at the floor. This was too much. He felt like his senses were on overload and he craved to take a simple potion to fix it all in that moment. But he had given those up…for Scorpius. The man so desperately trying to massage the tension out of his neck.

"Scorpius has asked that we make this a bit quick. Apparently he and Albus have somewhere to be…." Frowning in confusion, Al raised his eyes watery with pain to Draco. The man was watching the pair of them cautiously, occasionally throwing small glances over to his wife who looked equally worried. He was causing a scene….

Quickly, so as to throw off suspicion or questions, Albus sat up straight and pushed Scorpius' hand off of his skin. "I'm fine," he muttered, words coming out broken to express his lie. "What do you mean we have somewhere to be?"

As far as he had been aware, they were staying the night here in the Malfoys' home. That had been the plan presented to him. It was why they had packed a bag, which had been left in the entryway. That was what he had been told, at least. Now he was certainly questioning that.

"We'll discuss it after the game," Scorpius rushed to say, gesturing his father to continue.

That was certainly not what Albus wanted to hear. It did absolutely nothing to soothe him, but what could he do? Squaring his jaw in irritation, he tried to forget about it for the moment. They would certainly be discussing things later.

"Okay, Albus." Al nodded his head slowly to show he was listening. "My father came up with this game when I was young and we have done it every Christmas since. Since you're the guest, we'll have you go first. So why don't you come stand beside me?"

Hesitant to join in – he still felt like he wasn't allowed – Albus pushed himself into a standing position once again. Awkward as anything, he settled up next to the elder Malfoy man. The last time they had been in this close of proximity…wasn't a fond memory. It certainly didn't help keep him from fidgeting or looking like he was visibly uncomfortable.

"Relax," Draco chuckled low so only they could hear. "You're in no danger here." He patted the boy's arm gently. "Okay!" He raised his voice, smiling at his family momentarily before looking back down at Al. "The idea is simple, really. Basically…all you have to do is come up with a creative gift you think should be on each person's list to Father Christmas." Draco took a step back and handed a piece of paper and a pen to everyone else before sitting beside Astoria on the loveseat. The furniture was arranged in a loose half-circle around Albus, the fireplace, and the Christmas tree. Beside the loveseat perched Narcissa upon a plush armchair, and beside that was the sofa only Scorpius currently occupied.

The way it was arranged made Albus feel like he was on a stage. His emerald eyes were doe-ishly round and he felt like he could vomit at any moment. Why had he agreed to come over here for dinner? He clearly wasn't ready….

"So, we have a piece of paper here and we'll write your list. When we finish, you'll read them and guess who said what. So you just…wait there a moment. Okay?" Draco smiled. Albus winced a nod and resisted the urge to back up until he was engulfed in the flames of the fireplace. "Great – everyone get writing."

It felt like ages before everyone had folded up their small pieces of paper. Ages that Albus spent staring at his shoes, hoping that his time up there could just be done. Or that he could melt into an inanimate puddle randomly so he could escape his humiliation.

"Albus, come grab the papers."

Draco's directions were firm and left no room for questions or crises. Obeying, Al stepped forward and sheepishly held out his hand to each person in turn. When he reached Scorpius, the young man made sure to grip his palm in a comforting manner as he handed his over. "And now I read them…," Al said softly, not quite a question as much as it was a guiding statement. He made a show of clearing his throat as he stepped back into his spot by the tree and tried to make his eyes focus on reading the words. Why was that so difficult, exactly?

"So, um…. This first one just says…' _haircut_ '…." He instinctively reached up to feel his out of control hair that was down to his shoulders and probably way overdue for a cut. "Oh, uh…." He looked up at the four people watching him expectantly. He was supposed to guess who wrote it – that he remembered. But the slight sting of the suggestion was clouding his thought process. "Was it…Draco?" he asked shakily, watching the man light up with pride.

With a sure shrug, Draco flinched away from the slap his wife was tried to aim at his arm. "Hey, hey, calm down! It was meant to be a joke! His father always looked like he needed a haircut, too. It always stuck up in every direction. Like none of the strands could figure out how to cooperate with one another." He chuckled, obviously glad he'd come up with something he felt was so witty. Even if Al's eyes were starting to shine with unamused tears in its wake.

Astoria's frown didn't falter one bit from the explanation. "And I seem to remember you wore your hair slicked back like a slimy git back then," she hissed, quickly reaching up to pluck one of the shorter pieces that hung around his face rather than in the ponytail that fell to his mid-back. "It was the nineties – everyone has hair regrets. Now you _apologize_ to your son's _boyfriend_." He glanced at him for a second. "He looks as if he's about to cry from your insensitivity."

Suddenly Albus' face felt hotter than the fire behind him burned. He ducked his chin, defiantly holding back his tears and crushing the remaining three pieces of paper in his hand. "I'm fine," he barked and stuffed Draco's suggestion roughly in his pocket. "Next one. ' _A sweater that fits a tad better_ '," he read, his teeth gritting at the end. "My grandmother made this for me," he snapped, sharp gaze cutting to Narcissa. "But, thanks."

So far, Albus was certain he hated this game. He never wanted to play again. The first half seemed like obvious insults to him. Maybe they felt it was joking, but they didn't _know_ him yet. What gave them the right? His hair was long because he had felt too depressed in the past year to consider doing anything with it. And it was a mess because that's just how it had always been. And his sweater fit rather unwell because he had lost any bulk he'd had from being on the Quidditch team. His rather bare eating habits might have contributed, as well, but around Devan it was often painful to consider eating anything of substance. But they didn't take any of this into account when getting their jabs in. They didn't _care to_.

In his desperate attempt to just be finished and done with this humiliation tactic, Albus quickly read the second to last slip of paper. "' _A reassuring sense of calm_ ' – Astoria." Obviously she could tell just how much this night was putting on his shoulders. He gave her a sad smile. That only left…Scorpius. And if he said anything harsh, that would be it. Albus would be gone.

"' _Unflinching, undying love for the rest of the years to come_ '."

This time, as tears welled up in his eyes, Albus knew that they weren't from pain. A grateful laugh stuttered out of his mouth and he practically stumbled forward into his boyfriend's arms. "Thank you," he whispered against his chest, grabbing a handful of his shirt and curling up in his lap much like a big cat.

In that moment, there wasn't a room left for a single shred of doubt. After everything from the last few days - the last _year_ , even - Albus was meant to be with this man right here. The one smoothing his fingers through his hair. The one smiling like a fool as he leaned down to kiss his forehead. The one told the rest of his family that it was time they left because Al was no longer comfortable here.

Scorpius understood him and wanted him to be happy. Why had they ever doubted the realness of this in the first place?

"But, Scorpi, the game's not over," Astoria protested, squeezing Draco's hand as if to remind everyone that they were still a family.

Shrugging, Scorpius helped Albus to his feet and wiped his joyful tears. "I'm sorry, but it is for us... Thank you for dinner. I will be by later tomorrow to exchange presents. But right now, Allie's safety is my priority."

"We understand," Draco answered, his voice firm and unwavering. Since Lucius' passing, be was the head of this family now. That meant he made the final decisions. And in that moment, that meant giving his son the permission he craved to do what he felt was right. "Thank you for coming." He pushed up out of his seat, careful to only approach Scorpius as he spoke. "Enjoy the rest of your Christmas and we will see you tomorrow if you have the time."

Relieved by the permission, Scorpius nodded and looped his arm with his boyfriend's. "I love you. All of you," he was careful to say as they left the room. This one slip-up didn't change his close he felt to his family since his 'awakening' last Christmas. It just meant that this might be something none of them had been quite ready for. But they would try again when the timing was right.

"Where are we going?" Albus groaned, leaning solidly into Scorpius' side for support. All he wanted was to go back to the man's home. To curl up under the sheets and appreciate what he had in slow, deliberate kisses to any inch of skin available.

"I have a surprise for you," Scorpius answered, helping the other gently into his coat. "Just...bare with me. I think you will be okay with it." He pressed a gentle kiss to the back of his neck as he straightened the collar. "It will be okay."


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY CHUCK. This chapter took me...much too long to write! And I am so so soooo sorry. My intention was to have the whole story complete before the 26th of December (as that was when I started it in 2013 and that felt appropriate), but life got the best of me. Holidays and whatnot. And...as my best stalker (who knows who she is) tells me, it gets tough to want to finish once you get close to an end. But here we finally are! This is the last chapter of the best fic I have ever written. (And I say that because it is the most read/talked about/praised over piece of fiction I have ever allowed anyone to read.) Yes, you saw that correct. The last. Chapter.  
> But don't fear! There will still be an epilogue to come! And I promised a happy ending so... ;) Read on, my lovelies! I really hope you enjoy this as much as I do and keep an eye out for a very resolving epilogue in the near future. And, as always, please take the time to let me know your thoughts and feelings!  
> P.S. Can you guess where Louis had a hand in Scorpius' words choice? ;)

 

As Scorpius led them out the front door, Albus forced himself to focus on his emotional state. The cold, winter air whipping against his face was bringing him a bit to his senses. He had overreacted back there. The Malfoys were just trying to joke with him. To welcome him into the family. It may have been a bit obvious that they weren't altogether comfortable with this new relationship. But, really, that didn't mean that they were completely against it or his presence. They had been generally warm to him. And how did he react? Like a complete nutter, of course.

"We need to go back in. We  _have_  to go back in," he burbled, looking back at the retreating house as they made their way down the path. "They think I'm crazy, Scorpius. We need to go  _back_."

Despite struggling with all of his might, Albus made not a single budge in Scorpius' forward steps. He was clearly the weaker of them both. "Would you calm down, Allie?" the other man said softly, jerking his arm to get him walking beside him again. "They do  _not_  think you're crazy. But if you were to run back in there to scream and sob apologies, then they just might."

It made sense. Scorpius made absolute sense. Albus fell in line with Scorpius' steady steps away from the house, sighing softly and for the moment internalizing his reservations. "Fine," he said softly. "But will you at least tell me where we are going in such a hurry…?"

Not a single word was given in answer. The only thing Scorpius uttered was a quiet, "Take my hand," before they were squeezed through space via apparation. But when they landed steadily upon their feet, all questions were swiftly answered. Well…not all of them. It wasn't exactly easy to understand why Scorpius would bring Al to Godric's Hollow. To his own parents' front yard, no less.

"Why did you bring me here?" Albus nearly groaned, taking steps back towards the street. "I'm not…. I can't do this tonight, Scor. I'm not ready. I…. I would like to leave. Please."

There was an eerily satisfied smirk gracing Scorpius' lips as he pulled his boyfriend towards the front door. "I already told your mother you were coming. You can't back out of this now. So you might as well quit struggling and just get in there."

"I can't! I'm too embarrassed, Scorpius!" Sighing heavily, Albus slumped against the other man's shoulders. His stubbornness halted their movement, earning him a rough shove. Upon which he gave up entirely and plopped cross-legged in the snow. "I can't go in there. Not with you. Not today. Not this year. Not…for a long time…."

"Would you quit being so dramatic?" Scorpius scoffed, stepping carefully away from the whining man like he had some sort of disease. "I'll be inside when you come to your senses." And…off he disappeared, letting himself into the house like he owned the place.

As much as Albus dreamed he could, Scorpius would never understand. Not this – not in a million years. He was perfectly at health and wouldn't understand every single cell of himself warring with one another. Sure, he had struggles over their 'relationship' over the last year. It was a big cause for why Al reacted as he did. Neither of them really knew if what they wanted was something they could handle. But Scorpius would never truly understand what exactly was keeping Albus there in the snow like a petulant child. He was freezing and the warmth of the body was turning the powder around him into an uncomfortably wet mess. And yet…he just couldn't raise himself up and go in the house.

He was, instead, left sitting there with his clothes soaking through as the sky darkened further and further around him. He was miserable and tired and tempted to just give up caring about his anxious thoughts so he could be warm again. But that also meant facing his family. His mother who knew all about the proposal he'd run out on. His brother with his happily relaxed new family. His sister who was turning out to be everything his parents wanted. And his father who had such a happy, new relationship that it made him feel even more inadequate about his own decisions. He couldn't just go in there and introduce his brand new boyfriend that he was absolutely in love with after parading around someone he had said he felt equally about just a few days ago. He knew that the gawking and questions would be entirely too much to handle.

"A-Albus…?"

Shivering and teeth chattering, Al looked up towards the house. The front door was cracked and a warm glow was seeping out into the white blanketing the ground. A silhouette was standing in the doorway, craning their neck for a better look. He opened his mouth to reply, but found the words frozen in his throat.

Quick steps in the snow brought the shadowy figure to stand above Albus. In the dark, he couldn't quite make out the face. But once he spoke again, the deep timbre was unmistakable. "Albus, you really should come in the house."

If he could muster it, Al would have gasped from shock. But his breath shook too much and all he could manage was a simple, "You…?"

Faintly chuckling, Devan shrugged and knelt down to wrap a warm blanket around his shoulders. "Yeah…me…." He wasted no time in lifting the other up by his elbows, easing him towards the house.

"What are you d-d-doing here?" Albus chattered out, trying in his weakness to rid himself of the hold. The only success he ended up with was managing to trip forward into the snow.

Patient and careful, Devan picked him back up with no hesitation. "Your, uh…. Scorpius – he invited me." He rested his hand on the younger man's back, gently pushing him up to the door. "He said I didn't deserve to be alone on Christmas." Surprisingly, there was not a single bitter note to his voice. He even wore a soft smile as he spoke of the man who replaced him. "That kid loves you. He loves you a lot, Albus. Certainly more than I ever even had the capacity to. And I'm happy you're happy." He ducked in to press his lips just barely to Al's temple. "Now get in there and warm your arse up." With a playful swat to his ex's backside, he opened the front door and disappeared inside.

What Albus found inside was completely the opposite of what he had been expecting. There wasn't a single flicker of tension in the air and people were actually laughing. After a quick shake of his arms to warm them enough, he pulled his wand out and cast a drying spell. He shed his outerwear, then went on desperate search for the voices.

"Allie, come sit!"

Sitting at the kitchen table were four people he didn't think he'd see in one place. His mother and his father sat beside one another, close and happy like nothing had ever happened between them. And then there was Devan, looking pretty healthy for once and actually taking small bites of a pasty. And, lastly, there was Scorpius. A man whose smile still took his breath away. His arms were open, welcoming his boyfriend into the seat beside him. "Did you really do this?" he asked the beautiful blonde, nothing less than stunned as he took the seat.

More humble than expected, Scorpius merely shrugged and laced their fingers together. "I felt everyone deserved an explanation. It's the least I can do to help you." He leaned in and kissed his cheek lovingly. "And it gave me a good reason to meet your parents."

As much as that thought scared Albus, it seemed there was no reason. Judging by the current situation of things, the meeting had gone quite smooth. They were almost like friends, these four. "So…?"

"So while you were sitting out in the snow, moping like a child, everything was completely under control," Scorpius finished. "There is absolutely nothing to worry about. You're welcome."

"Thank you…." It was all Albus could say. What else  _was_  there to say?! He was extremely flabbergasted by this whole ordeal. It wasn't supposed to go this smooth. How on Earth was it going this goddamn  _smooth_?

Clearing her throat softly to gain attention, Ginny reached across the table to grip their joined hands for a moment. "We're happy you boys are here. In preparation, we made up Allie's room for the two of you." She turned to Devan as he was taking his last bite. "And Devan, you'll be staying across the hall in James' old room.

Feeling much too comfortable to be normal, they all said goodnight and went to their separate rooms. Falling into his old bed, which still felt familiar after all these months, felt better than Albus could have ever dreamed of. He was exhausted, body and soul.

"Does that sigh indicate that you're upset with me?"

Scorpius wanted to talk. He wanted to discuss everything that had happened that night. And Albus…. Albus was exhausted by the very thought. Still in his clothes, he curled up around a pillow and closed his eyes. Sleep sounded like a better option than talking. If he could just sleep on it, maybe he could feel better about this situation in the morning. Maybe sleeping across from his recent ex-boyfriend wouldn't feel so weird in the morning. Maybe he could try and pretend that his situation wasn't quite messed up in the daylight.

Tomorrow was Christmas. Tomorrow was a year since his breakdown and he wanted more than anything to prove himself. He would try harder tomorrow to accept things as they were.

XxX

Albus was still getting used to waking up next to Scorpius. After months of sleeping beside Devan, he could definitely pick up on the subtle differences between the two. Scorpius' build was slimmer – muscled in a fit, but not so obvious way. Instead of sleeping in socks and boxer briefs, he preferred his plain black briefs and undershirt. And where Devan would usually stay on his own side, clinging to the edge of the mattress, Scorpius was more of the cuddling type. Through the night, he would draw steadily closer to Al to the point of ending up fully curled protectively around the man. One thing was undeniable – he much preferred waking up feeling safe and warm.

"Happy Christmas." Noticing Albus snuggling in closer, Scorpius smiled and ran his fingers through the unruly dark mess of hair. He felt a soft kiss press into the top of his head and couldn't help the satisfied feeling it gave him.

It was Christmas and things were going to be okay.  _They had to be okay_.

"What time is it?" Albus groaned, stretching much like a cat against Scorpius' firm form.

"Uh..." His eyes flicking over to the clock on the nightstand, Scorpius gave a small chuckle. "Nearly mid-day. I guess you were tired…."

In a panic, Albus sat up quickly and confirmed the time of day. "Fuck! How in Merlin's name did we manage to sleep that long?!" He nearly flew out of the bed, grabbing the overnight bag they had packed and searching frantically for a change of clothes.

"Well…I've been awake for a few hours…." Eyes wide, Al turned back to his boyfriend. "But I figured you could use your rest where you could nab it. You don't usually sleep well at night; not sure if you know that."

This wasn't news. Albus hadn't been sleeping well for…over a year, at least. He was usually preoccupied by troubling thoughts – and most often they included that man right there. "Um…thank you? But my family is going to pretty much all be here already and I am going to be the weirdo that's late and has a brand new guy on his arm while his old one most likely mopes around the place and carefully avoids food. As if I wasn't the outsider in this family already…. You have no idea what you've done. You think you're helping and you think you're being nice – but you're not! You're just not. Inviting Devan, bringing us here last night, 'letting me' sleep in…. You're just making things worse."

Albus didn't have to look at Scorpius to know that his silence was accompanied by a stunned frown. He wasn't being fair; Scorpius didn't deserve any of that. But Al was overwhelmed and felt on edge. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his apology probably too little too late.

"It's fine…. You lash out in whatever manner you feel is right." Scorpius cleared his throat, finally pulling himself up off the bed. He also began dressing, seamlessly pulling himself into a presentable appearance. "However, I will take your apology tonight before we go to sleep because you will see later that I am right. And you will thank me for it." So sure of himself, he leaned in to press a kiss to his boyfriend's forehead.

And with that final thought, Scorpius was gone. Albus rushed to pull on his shoes, desperate to catch up to the other man. "Wait!" he whispered harshly, running so fast after him down the hallway that he almost didn't realize the blonde man was stopped. "Whoa!" He hit the man's back lightly, clutching him in order to keep his footing. "Why'd you stop…?"

Chuckling, Scorpius looked over his shoulder. "You said 'wait', Allie…." He winked, then nodded down the stairs. "Also…I didn't think we should interrupt your mother."

Curiously frowning, Albus leaned a little further off the landing. He could hear his mother's voice, but it took a moment to catch onto what she was saying. And when he did…he couldn't say it lifted his spirits. Not really….

"-friend. Well, not a friend. More like…boyfriend? Knowing Albus, I'm sure he's going to be kind of nervous over this. And…the boy is so sweet – there's really nothing to be nervous  _about_. And…yes, Devan, um…. Devan is here. But I believe all differences have been worked out for the people involved and that is all we need to know! Albus loves this boy and has been trying to work through feeling safe being with him for over a year. So…how about we don't act weird around my son? After last year…."

The ending went unsaid as Albus found his courage. His mother meant well. She was just trying to help. But gathering the entire family in order to beg them to be nice might not have been the right way to do it. He clomped down the stairs, cutting short the speech with his tight smile. "Happy Christmas, sweety," Ginny rushed to say, eagerly meeting him at the base of the stairs.

He nodded tersely, not in the mood to make pleasantries any longer. Not now that he knew everyone gathered here was going to be walking on eggshells around him. He scanned the 'audience' gathered in the sitting room and gratefully noted the small mass. This was a rather small holiday for their family – it was never just his parents and siblings. And Devan, of course, sitting off in a corner looking slightly uncomfortable as he nursed a steaming mug. Ahrann and Uncle Charlie were also situated by their respective lovers, but Albus was sure he could handle their presence. "Hey, everyone," he said softly.

No one in the room would meet his eyes. He hung his head a bit in shame, running his fingers through his mop of hair for a distraction. His heart was pounding harshly in his ears, causing his fingers to twitch and his hands to take on a shaky disposition. A chilly set of fingers intertwined with his own, bringing on a slightly fearful blush to his color him from the tips of his ears and on down his neck. For a slight ounce of reassurance, he chanced a glance up at the man by his side. Scorpius was always a rock – a solid beacon of strength of could always count on.

If it were possible, however, Scorpius in that instant looked more hesitant than Albus felt. His eyes betrayed the caution he was trying to hold inside, his free hand gripped so tight into itself that the knuckles were an even brighter blazing white.

The reception of the revelation was going to be the hardest part to get past – Al already knew that. But he wasn't exactly prepared for the response Scorpius received as they stood there together. His expectation was for everyone to take a step back while wearing the most insulting of grimaces. He was a little thrown off guard by the actual reaction – silence. No one said a word. No one made a move. They all just stood there, staring in either complete shock or absolute awkwardness. No one seemed to know what to say or do in the situation they were faced with.

Scorpius wasn't welcome here – that much seemed to be clear. Everyone and their dog knew that the Potter/Weasleys didn't get on with the Malfoys. It apparently had been that way for several generations. Albus had adhered to that stereotype for quite some time, as well. But now…. Now he was in love with this man. Should people not put their differences aside for that reason alone?

"Okay…perhaps you won't be thanking me. Perhaps…you were right…," Scorpius whispered as he shifted in closer to Albus, taking in the reactions. Al could hear him swallow hard, his breathing harsher than normal. He squeezed the hand clasped within his own, trying to give a little of the strength he seemed to be missing to his stronger partner.

"Malfoy, yeah?" It was no surprise that James was the first to speak. He was certainly the most brash and confident out of the group. He had no shame, whatsoever. Detaching himself from his (very pregnant) girlfriend, James stepped up to the couple. His eyes were firmly locked to Scorpius' own and every single muscle was dangerously still.

Never before had Albus seen Scorpius look so shaken. He couldn't keep up the eye contact and his hand was uncomfortably warm. "U-uh…. Yeah….  _Yes_ ," he said firmer, but still couldn't manage to look anywhere but at the floor. "Scorpius Malfoy."

The tension in the house was so thick it honestly felt like Albus was drowning. He couldn't breathe no matter how hard he tried to pull air in. Something flickered across James' bright brown eyes that made him flinch. He knew what his brother was capable of. He knew his anger. His desperation to prove himself and preserve his family's honor. He could do anything with this new information if he found it justified.

What he did, however, was nothing Albus would have expected. He reached out towards Scorpius and Al's first instinct was to squeal and shield his boyfriend from whatever harm was to come. James just gently shoved him out of the way, though, and stepped up to the blonde man. "Welcome to the family," he spoke in a measured tone, startling practically everyone in the room. But not quite so much as the rather warm hug he enveloped the man in a second later.

"Th-thank you," Scorpius whispered, his silver eyes softening with astonished tears. He closed them quickly to hide the weakness he was presenting. His arms did still go around James in return, but he tried his hardest to keep the grasp acceptably loose.

It was like that was all that was needed to loosen everyone else in the room. Like nothing was wrong at all, they went back to their previous holiday business. Because nothing was wrong. Albus was happy with this man and that was all that mattered. James had boldly displayed that for them.

The hug lasted only a few moments, but it seemed like years to Albus. He stood there, watching his big brother – someone who always seemed so comfortable thinking his way was the only right way – and his boyfriend embracing. The grip was soft and hesitant, but not impersonal. There really was a genuine look to it.

When the two broke apart, James merely gave his brother a proud clap to the shoulder before walking away. Everyone had gone about their normal conversations and completely forgot about the drama that had just unfolded. Albus was slipping back into obscurity and for once he was actually rather comfortable with that notion.

Finally feeling like he was able to take a deep, full breath for the first time in twenty-four hours, Albus relaxed into Scorpius' side. The man wrapped him inside his firm hold, pressing the chastest of kisses to the side of his neck. In that moment, it felt like things were perfect – something he had never hoped to have with this man. This relationship was something he had never thought could happen. But fate had smiled down upon him and gave him what he longed for.

The rest of his life could be happy, he was starting to realize.

It was, of course, expected that lunch wouldn't run smoothly. But it also wasn't anything close to a disaster. It was awkward, that was for sure, but…nothing Albus couldn't handle. He sat in between Ahrann and Scorpius. Whenever he didn't need his right hand, he made sure that his fingers were locked inside Scorpius'. Conversations were stiff, but people seemed to genuinely try to care when they asked what the youngest Malfoy was doing for a career or how his family usually spent their holidays. It might almost seem normal from the outside.

But it wasn't normal. There was quite a large doubt in Al's mind as to whether it could ever be normal. How could things be normal with Devan down at the other end of the table, picking at his food like a temperamental toddler? Or with Lily throwing knowing glares down at the blonde man who had caused the end to her dreams of never losing a Quidditch match? Or with his mother trying so hard to keep her plastered smile as all of the happy couples surrounded her?

Albus was over-analyzing. He was looking at this too deep; he was only seeing the flaws. This was progress. This was good. He was sitting beside someone he truly loved. He was being open with his family finally. He didn't feel on the verge of a breakdown. These were all good things. They were things he should be thankful for.

"Are you okay?"

A quirk came to the corner of Al's mouth at the question. He looked to the side, taking in the way Scorpius was eyeing him. Their meal was over and nearly everyone else had left the table. He developed a soft blush as he realized he'd zoned out, his food barely touched in front of him.

A year ago, he had to tell himself over and over again that he was okay. He repeated it like an anthem, hoping that if he said it enough, it would become true. Today, however…. Today he could without a doubt answer, "Yes. I am okay." He leaned over to press his lips softly to Scorpius' cheek before whispering so only he could hear, "I may still be a bit broken…. But you make me okay."

The smile that graced over the other man's entire face was like nothing Albus had ever seen. It was stunning and reassured every decision he had made the last few days. It was full of promises of love and forevers. Of soft morning kisses and long nights spent awake in one another's arms. Of heated moments and passionate tears. It was a smile he wished to see every day for the rest of his life because of the pure joy within each eye crinkle and lip twitch.

"Hey, I…. I, uh…have a question to ask you…."

A flicker of something unidentifiable crossed Scorpius eyes, but a moment later it was gone. Albus frowned slightly, following his boyfriend into a standing position. "Sure; go ahead."

A nervous wince had Scorpius signaling for Albus to sit again. "I actually…. I planned this for you to be sitting. So have a seat." Head tilted in question, Al lowered himself back into his chair and waited patiently.

It took Scorpius nearly a full minute of silence to gather his thoughts. He stood over Albus, rotating between fidgeting his fingers together and shoving his hands into his pockets to force himself to stop. For the first time, Al was able to see that the left corner of his bottom lip was an angry shade of red, becoming raw from constant worrying. The way he was acting was starting to make Al uneasy. A pit in his stomach was reopening, feeling too familiar for comfort. Something big was going to happen. This wasn't just a simple question.

This was  _the_  question.

It would have been romantic. The nerves his usually-steady boyfriend was display and the kind words he spoke when he found them again. Those deep feelings he already knew about and the intensity of his sure voice. But it wasn't. The instant he realized what this was, Albus knew he couldn't find a way to be happy about it. He lowered his eyes, gripping the arms of his chair like if he wished it enough, he could just stop time entirely.

Devan's presence just outside the dining room, sitting upon a couch, became vividly clear. Albus knew he could see them from where he sat by himself. He knew that his blood must be boiling with anger and jealously and hurt. How could Scorpius think this was appropriate? How could he talk about how they were meant to spend the rest of their lives together in 'marital bliss' with the man that Albus had recently scorned  _sitting there_?  _Watching_.

"Please stop," Albus whispered, his voice breaking on his plea. It cut Scorpius' words off mid-sentence. It visibly broke something inside of him. "Please don't do this…."

Squaring his jaw and averting his stone-cold eyes, Scorpius muttered a soft, "Why, Albus…?"

For the first time since his boyfriend had begun speaking, Albus looked straight ahead of him. Right in his eyesight were Scorpius' hands, fiddling with a little black box. A black box that brought bile up Al's throat. Fury beginning to bubble within him, Albus stood and snatched the box from him. "Do you _really_  have to ask?!" He flipped the lid and confirmed his fear.

This was Devan's ring. He couldn't even propose to him with something of his own?

With lightning speed, Scorpius grabbed back the ring and took a step back. He seemed absolutely scandalized. The tips of his ears were turning red with frustration, most likely, as he turned to face the sitting room. Brow raising in interest, Devan lifted a hand to casually wave at Scorpius. He wore a…concerned look, as far as Al could tell. Which would make sense considering the tension filling the space around them. What stunned Albus the most was that his boyfriend had the  _audacity_  to wave back. To pretend like he wasn't stealing the beauty of that ring Devan had so carefully picked out for his own purposes.

"I know you're angry," Scorpius whispered, is soft words barely passing the blood pounding in Albus' ears. "I know you think I'm a…coward, a cheat, a fake, a  _fool_ …or something to that effect. I can practically hear your thoughts, Allie, they're so loud." The casual use of a nickname that for some reason meant so much to him coming from those lips caused Albus to cringe and feel a need for distance between them. "But I need you to try and  _listen_  to me. Can you just sit down and listen? I was trying to tell you. I was trying to explain this to you. I need you to understand before you decide to run away.

"So just  _sit down_."

Feeling the weight of the command, Albus dropped himself heavily back into his chair. He must have looked like a petulant child. No doubt Devan was getting a good laugh at their clash. No doubt he was hoping that would settle in his favor in the end.

"Thank you." Sighing out a long, harsh breath, Scorpius dropped down to his knees in front of Albus. The authority of his body was enough to make Al feel like he was being boxed in. In that moment, he felt claustrophobic and like he couldn't breathe. Scorpius' hands gripping his were meant to be consoling and calming. But they felt like he was holding him there. Forcing him to stay and listen to the reason for this disgusting set-up.

"Devan knows I have the ring. He wanted me to have the ring."

It was the first thing that truly broke through Albus' consciousness. He wasn't sure if Scorpius had been saying anything else, but none of that would have mattered anyway. What he said cleared all of the anger inside of his chest and allowed for a sense of understanding. His expression shifted swiftly, softening to something more 'normal'. He looked pleased, honored, delighted,  _happy_.

"That man in there just wants you to be happy. He doesn't resent your. He doesn't even resent me. We have come to some understandings and…it seems we both just want you to choose the life you want to have for the rest of your life." With a sweet softness, Scorpius leaned up and pressed a kiss to Albus' forehead. "He wants you to be with someone who is whole and ready to love you like you deserve. I promised Devan I could do this, Allie. I can love you for the rest of your life in a way that someone as amazing as you should be. I can give you everything you want and need. We have spent...much too much time fighting this destiny. We both made mistakes that have shaped us into the type of men we are today.

"And now I think we both are ready for this. So…Albus Severus Potter." A knowing smirk plastered onto Scorpius' lips. He was obviously very proud of having finally found out Al's middle name. "Albus Severus Potter, my sun and stars…. I am asking- No,  _begging_ …that find what I offer worthy enough to accept. Marry me, Allie."

Albus said not a word. He didn't need to. And he wouldn't have been able to if he had tried. Overwhelming tears clogged his throat, rendering his vocal chords currently useless. All he could manage was a blissful sob, a touched whine, and a crushing hug around Scorpius' neck.

He was saying 'yes'.

For as much as he dreaded this – to feel like someone was going to be shackled to the mess that was him for the rest of his life – Albus knew he couldn't deny this proposal. He had shattered Devan's heart days ago by doing just that. And that had felt right. This, however, didn't feel like something he should run away from. Scorpius was where he belonged. Scorpius held the pieces he was missing to make him whole.

This was something he wished so badly he could deny. He wished he knew how to run away from the intensity of how this felt. He wished he could escape the moment where he told his parents and the conditional happiness they felt in his honor. He wished he was able to tell Scorpius that his blonde beauty deserved someone so much better.

But he couldn't. Devan was right – Scorpius was capable of loving him like he needed. Like he  _deserved_. And that was something he didn't want to have to give up until he was forced to breathe his last breath.


	36. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, and I mean it! This is the absolute end of "Slightly Broken". The epilogue. (And I actually am feeling very satisfied in it.)  
> I just want to thank everyone who read this. This is the first full-length fic I have ever finished. Completed. Done-zo. I am proud of myself for it and I am proud of it. So, thank you all of you for making me feel that way. Please do enjoy this final chapter to this thing that I put absolutely all of myself in. Love you all! And please let me know your thoughts on the end. I love to hear feedback!

 

It was never destined to be perfect.

With the way Albus and Scorpius started this, there was no way it was going to turn out as anything akin to perfect.

But it was sure close. It was the most real and passionate thing Albus had ever held onto. His marriage to a man that loved him harder than he was sure he deserved felt like a dream. A fairy tale, without the rose-tinted smiles. Every step of the way, they were very aware of reality and knew that they had the capacity to work through whatever that meant for them.

Smiling to himself in the dark, Albus curled closer into the arm around his chest. He pressed his warm lips to the man's chilly skin, savoring the quiet of the morning.

"Happy Christmas," the figure behind him whispered, his voice as natural as an exhale.

With a chuckle, Albus turned around in the hold around him, burrowing his face into the familiar chest. "Happy anniversary," he responded with, continuing a nine year tradition.

Also per tradition, Scorpius wasted no time in flipping himself over Albus, caging his body in with his legs around Al's hips and his hands beside his head. "Have we really been married nine years?" Scorpius asked quietly, leaning in to capture Al's lips in a way that always left him breathless. All he could manage in response was a weak nod and an airy noise that might have been a laugh.

Nine years. Nine blissful years full of more emotions than either knew were possible. It wasn't always happy. There were times when they would have the  _worst_  fights. Where one would end up stalking out and not returning for hours on end. But what made them last for nine years was the fact that they knew how to get over it. Apologies would be made and they would find a way to move past whatever troubled them. They had been through so much in the beginning of their relationship that mostly everything seemed petty now.

That morning, they made love like a weak, slow fire. Slow and intimate, and yet still with the will to burn. It spoke of the complete trust and love the two had built up over their years together. It was passion and adoration beyond any other measure the two had witnessed.

They were the luckiest men on Earth.

It wasn't as if they were the only couple they knew that were truly in love. That would have been a naïve way to think. All around them, people they knew were married or in committed relationships. They were all very happy, as well. There really was no doubting that. But…for some reason, they selfishly felt like they had turned out…better. In a way.

A soft knock came at the door as the two were relaxing in the exhaustion of their orgasms. They shared a cautionary look and ensured that they were covered as the door creaked open. A little girl - no taller than thirty-eight inches exactly that sported a full head of curls so red they had Draco Malfoy shaking his head in disapproval their first meeting – poked her head inside. She was cautious, careful to tip-toe to the bed just in case. "Daddy? Daddy…it's Christmas…." Her face lit up in pure excitement as she sidled up next to bed and was finally able to meet Albus' open eyes. "Are you awake, Daddy?" she whispered, giggling at the silliness of her own question.

Making a 'shh' motion, Albus nodded towards the other side. Her deep blue eyes grew impossibly wide as she rushed to try and climb up on the bed. With a chuckle, he helped his daughter, lifting her up enough to get ahold of the covers. For his part, Scorpius was doing a great job of feigning sleep. Or…he could have very possibly been sound asleep after their romp. Either way, it took the girl several cautious pokes and shakes to illicit an actual response.

"Rah!" the blonde roared, surging upright with his poised for a tickle attack. Her shriek filled their little house, her laugh giving Albus' an amazing warmth, as she tried to crawl away from her father. "Who said you could enter the Daddy Cave?" he hollered, snatching her around the middle and pulling her back, wiggling his fingers under her clamped-down arms. "Huh?!"

Shivering with elation, Albus quickly reached for his camera. It had been a gift from Louis when they had taken their little girl home and had come in handy time and time again. He wasted no time in snapping a picture of the two – happy and laughing like a family should.

"Alright, Scor, I think that's enough," Albus faux-scolded after a few more pictures, once again setting the camera aside. "Let my little Miana go." He held his hands out towards their daughter, eager to play the part of the valiant knight in shining armor.

Never losing his toothy grin, Scorpius did as he was told. Miana desperately climbed away and stuck her tongue out, wrapping her arms around her other father. "Is Papa a meany?" he asked in her ear, quiet enough for just the two of them to hear. She bobbed her little head of copper curls in quick response and kissed Al's cheek. "Nahh, he's not," Albus laughed and playfully swatted at her backside. "Why don't you go wait for us by the tree, okay? Papa and I need to get dressed."

"Okay, Daddy!" Miana slid off the bed, giggling as her nightgown rode up in the process. "Oops!" she giggled, nearly maniacally, as she ran from the room.

"You picked a weird one, Potter."

Snorting, Albus slipped out of bed and stretched until the soreness in his back subsided. "If I remember correctly…you decided on her first," Albus fired back, winking at his husband over his shoulder.

Five years ago, Albus and Scorpius finally decided they were ready for a child. It had been a battle to come to terms with for years. They would weigh the pros and cons and usually come up with a negative answer. And then…they just couldn't hold out anymore. They had too much love to share.

The process had been painstaking. For there being so many children that could use homes, they sure didn't make it very easy to give them one. After a year of trying, they had been very close to giving up and going a different route. Albus didn't exactly want either of them to magically conceive. The process to him was a bit…ooky. But if it came to it….

Luckily, just as they were at their wits ends, something opened up. Some _one_  opened up. They weren't grateful for the circumstances. It was rather unfortunate and tragic, but they were thankful for the miracle they had been able to provide the little girl. With no information on her background or where she came from, little Miana (a mere year old, as far as they could gather) was found in front of a wizard-conducted orphanage. It was like something out of a story – a little girl left on the stoop with only an apologetic note for explanation.

When they were told of their opportunity to help, their option was temporary. They would merely foster Miana until her family was found. They were okay with that. It would have been like a trial run. What none of them had expected was for there to be no family to be found. The last living relative as far as they could find had been the girl's mother. And her mother was…gone from this world. Something had eaten at her so badly that she felt the need to take her own life.

After the news, they wasted no time in accepting Miana as their own. By that point, she had become part of the family already, anyway. She fit in well with everyone, her red hair making her seem just like any of the other children. To this day, the five-year-old still had no idea of her past. She knew that her daddies had adopted her at a young age, but didn't know the circumstances of how it had come to pass. They had no idea if they would ever tell her.

For all they were concerned, she was theirs. They were all three destined to be together.

Slipping a belt through the loops of his trousers, Scorpius sidled up behind his husband. He flecked a few kisses over the man's shoulders, savoring the taste of their dried sweat before Albus slipped a shirt over his head.

They exited the room together, Albus trying to get his unruly hair to cooperate (even at an only inch long, it was still hard to manage) and Scorpius sticking close to his husband's side. Down the hall, Al lazily rapped upon the door beside theirs.

"Already up." Louis gave the couple a Cheshire grin when they reached the kitchen a moment later. "The two of you…were a bit loud. Kinda woke me up. Just so you are aware…." He sipped at his coffee, stepping out of the way of Scorpius' playful swat. "By the way, are your Patroni perhaps bunnies? You seem to have something quite in common with them…."

"Oh, I know! Their noses!" Miana piped up from the sitting room. She was surrounded by a pile of presents that she seemed to have claimed to be her own. "When they wrinkle them up like this sometimes." She demonstrated, scrunching her nose and sniffing a little for effect.

For a moment, silence filled their little house. But it was interrupted a moment later with the heartiest, most genuine group laughter ever heard. "Yes," Louis bursted out as soon as he could grasp words again, slapping at his thigh as he was doubled over. "That is exactly it, Puddle Jumper! You have solved the great mystery! Brava!"

All Albus could do was shake his head back and forth like he was exhausted and made for the coffee pot. It hadn't been the plan for Louis to still be living with them. In the beginning, they had always talked of lives apart. Of one day moving away from one another and conducting their adult lives separately. But, somehow, after they were married, Scorpius felt wrong telling his closest friend to get lost. So they let him stay (they didn't really need the extra bedroom, anyway). And when they moved to a bigger house to accommodate for Miana, well…. Louis just sort of came along. The three of them had become quite close. Louis was as much responsible for this relationship thriving as they themselves were. He helped to give perspective.

He was also sort of a built-in babysitter when they decided they needed a date night every once in a while.

"Daddy? Presents?" Miana piped up, peeking her head around a stack of presents that had grown twice the size since he'd last looked.

"You  _do_  know that not all of those are for you. Correct?" Albus finished fixing his and Scorpius' coffees, handing the heavily sugared one to his husband as he settled upon the couch. "Today is Christmas, not World's Give Mia All the Presents Day."

XxX

"Did you send your parents an owl?" Albus stepped up beside Miana at the fireplace. She eagerly held a fistful of Floo powder, more than ready to get going. He placed a hand on her shoulder, stilling her impatient bouncing.

Scorpius nodded, trying to balance a stack of presents in his arms. "I did, last night. Wished them a very happy holiday as they're soaking up the Hawaiian sun. Sent along a flyer from Mia's pageant to show them just what they were missing."

Over the past summer, another death overtook the Malfoy family. Strong-willed Narcissa was finally bested by the call of the afterlife. She hadn't gone quietly, that was for sure. And she fought, tooth-and-nail, for her dignity until the end. But, in those last days, illness doesn't really care what social events one has on their calendar. After her passing that year, Draco Malfoy didn't really feel much like celebrating the holidays. Both of his parents, the symbols of his childhood at Christmastime, were gone. He and Astoria had decided to take a vacation instead, flying off to Hawaii for a month-long trip away from reality.

To say the least, Scorpius was extremely exhausted from covering the extra work at the shop. But he knew his parents could use that time away and wouldn't dare try to deny them.

"Are you okay?" Scorpius whispered after nodding for Miana to go ahead. She quickly rushed into the fireplace, tossing down her Floo powder in a bit of a mess (ending up with a good amount on her nice, new dress) before clearing enunciating her destination. She was gone a moment later, allowing Albus' shoulders to slightly untense. His goal was to always keep his emotions normal around their daughter. It had become quite a normal everyday façade he wore when around her. Smiles and laughs because everything was fine. Never taking stock in his emotions until she wasn't around.

Things were better for Albus these ten years later. After resolving most of what caused him distress that Christmas, things were  _better_. They just weren't…always the best. There were still those days where anxiety and depression snuck up on him. Anything could ruin his day if he let it eat at him enough. And if he let it sit and fester behind fake emotions for too long, it tended to just worsen how he felt.

Last Christmas, he had been so down that hadn't even found the will to get out of bed until all of the festivities were through. Which was probably why Scorpius felt the need to check in. Sighing softly, Albus turned to his husband and kissed the tip of his nose. "I'm okay, Scor. Really. Today is…. Today is a good day." He smiled genuinely and made a show of pointing to it. "See? Perfectly fine. No hormone mix-up today."

Half of this marriage, unfortunately, was Scorpius checking in on Albus' emotions. It was part of what bested them the first time around – he wasn't going to allow it to ever again. Albus did appreciate the sentiment behind the caution, but…. At the same time, he just wished they could be  _normal_  sometimes.

Soft tears began to prickle the inner corners of Albus' eyes as they stood there, Scorpius taking in every aspect of his current state. "Stop looking at me like that," Al pleaded softly, casting his eyes down to the floor. "Please…."

Smiling to himself, Scorpius wrapped his free arm around his husband, bringing him into the small space of chest he still had open. "Don't cry, Allie." He pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head. "I was just admiring your smile. I believe you – I do. Just don't start crying…."

Nodding quickly, Albus pulled away and looked up at the ceiling. "I'm not entirely confident today, okay? Not after last year…." He cleared his throat, directing his bright green eyes back towards the fireplace. "I mean…I'm good. I am. I just... I'm feeling extra cautious. Extra aware." He took a handful of Floo powder from its box on the mantle. "We should get going. Louis may start spreading gossip about our whereabouts if we take any longer." He tried for a chuckle, but it just ended up sounding forced and hollow.

Scorpius stepped up beside his husband in the ash of the fireplace floor. "You don't need to be so guarded, Albus. You look…amazing. You look happy and grounded. And if we didn't have to go to your mother's house, I really would waste no time in showing you just how that makes me feel…."

A blush filling his cheeks and a shy smile on his lips, Albus activated the Floo network. Mere moments later, they were stepping out into the sitting room of his childhood home. His knees felt a little shaky, but he was sure that his hesitance now had to do with where his mind currently was.

Currently, he was having trouble thinking of anything but time passing quick so it could be time for 'bed' already.

"Daddy, Briston stole my doll!"

He wasn't allowed the luxury of those thoughts for long, however. Sighing heavily, he leveled a warning look across the room at the olive-skinned child currently dangling his daughter's new toy out of reach. He was just about to open his mouth and start scolding when a soft hand clamped over his arm. "Wait!" He turned to Ahrann, eyebrow raised testily. "We're not disciplining him," she whispered, setting Al's blood afire.

"Excuse me?" he hissed, feeling over-protective of his daughter and not even sure if he should be ashamed of it.

She gave a soft smile and shrugged like this was a matter she just couldn't help. "Scolding him just reaffirms the attention Briston wants for his behavior," she whispered, shifting the toddler on her hip. "If he doesn't get the attention, the behavior will cease. Let the two of them work this out for themselves. Please."

Albus felt wrong just walking away. There were tears in Miana's eyes as she hopped around, trying to get the toy from her cousin. But Ahrann pulled him back towards the kitchen and he had learned his lesson long ago to not get in the way of her unorthodox parenting. Just before leaving the room, he made sure to throw a look over a this husband that pleaded for him to do  _something_. Anything. "It's a new tactic we're trying," she babbled as they walked. "He goes to Hogwarts next fall and…well, he needs to learn that this type of behavior will get him nowhere."

 _Which is why he could probably use a good swat on the backside_ , Albus thought to himself with a squared jaw.

"This could always probably be a good opportunity for your little Mia to learn to defend herself."

It took all Albus had in him not to turn and slap his brother's girlfriend in that moment. She always thought she knew better when it came to parenting. Albus was sure the fact that she had three children and still had the body of a supermodel didn't quite seal that as a truth. "Miana can defend herself," he said in almost a dangerous tone. "But I would think someone twice her age bullying her might make things a bit unmatched."

Ahrann merely laughed it off with a wave of her hand. "He's not bullying her, Albus. He's merely trying to show her that he's interested in her life. It's harmless." Her smile was much too sweet to be normal and Albus found himself questioning her sobriety.

Out of everyone in the world his brother could have ended up with, Albus was still unsure how James had been with Ahrann for this long. Over the years, he had softened – that was true. His girlfriend's influence had changed him from the big, gruff (kind of dumb) manly-man he had been into someone who wore a baby carrier and believed marriage was a useless constitution of the law. He had never expected years ago for James to end up with three children and a flair for strange parenting tactics. Not to mention that a few years back (after the middle child, Hanna, became very sick with a touch of food poisoning) the family had adopted a vegan lifestyle.

None of this was bad…. It just wasn't something any of them had really expected.

"Hey, hold Jemma for me a moment. I need the loo."

And that was how Albus was stuck standing in the kitchen, all alone, holding a child who would quit screaming her head off. He bounced her in his arms, trying to make faces. But she just wasn't having it.

"There you are, Allie!" Laughing softly in amusement, his mother came into the room. She held her hands out towards Jemma, calming her screaming the instant her arms wrapped around her little body. "Happy Christmas," she said, leaning across to kiss his cheek. "It's nice to see you this year."

It wasn't supposed to be a jab, Albus was sure, but it stung nevertheless. "Thanks, Mum," he muttered, busying himself by looking around at all the food preparing itself. "Um…is everyone else here already?" he asked, trying to change the subject from his own humiliation.

Albus wouldn't have been surprised if this really was the turnout – his little family and James'. Ever since his breakdown, his family seemed to think it was best to all have separate Christmases. It was, apparently, less pressure to put on people. And, by people, they of course meant him. And he didn't exactly mind it. He saw so much of his huge extensive family on a regular occasion that he'd almost rather spend time with just his parents and siblings. It was why he had never complained about their cautious treatment.

"No, not everyone. We are still waiting on a few people, I believe. Your father, namely. He and your uncle Charlie…." Ginny shook her head, seeming to have a sour taste in her mouth. "They can never be punctual, can they?" Albus shrugged, not sure what he was supposed to say to that. "Anyway…did your sister tell you she wasn't going to be here this year?" Frowning, he shook his head in silent response. "She's spending the holidays with that new boyfriend of hers. Oh, I really don't trust that boy. Did you know that he refuses to even consider meeting us until she meets his parents first?" Another silent response in the negative. He and Lily didn't really speak too often. "Well…it's the truth." She sighed, shrugging helplessly. "But will she listen to me when I try to warn her? Not for a second…."

Having given up on dating entirely after her ex-husband's commitment ceremony to her brother, Ginny had become quite the gossip. Sticking her nose in all of her children's personal lives had become quite a hobby for her. She took particular interest in her daughter, unfortunately. Nothing she did – her position with the Holyhead Harpies ( _"They should have really paid you more considering…. Well, you know. Considering your mother played for them back in the day."_ ), her dating life ( _"Oh, I bet he'll turn out gay." "Did you see the way he looked at that woman? He will never be faithful." "You're just too good for him, honey."_ ), and the fact that she insisted upon living on her own ( _"You're far too young! You really should stay at home! I mean, honestly, Lily…who will I have to keep me company?"_ ). Albus really didn't blame her for wanting a holiday away from the pestering.

A piece of bubblegum fresh between her teeth, Ahrann returned just in time to save Albus having to come up with an awkward reply. "Smells great in here, Gin," she said sweetly, but something about the way her nose scrunched said otherwise.

Smirking to himself, Albus took a step backwards. "I'm going to…go find Scorpius. Excuse me," he muttered before quickly bowing out of the room. It wasn't that hard to locate his husband. He was propped up comfortably on a sofa, legs extended out on the cushions in front of him. Across from him in an armchair sat James, telling some vividly grotesque story about a man who splinched himself in the Atrium of the Ministry. In between them, Miana was lying on the floor, cuddling her reclaimed doll. Al wasn't sure where Briston had gotten to, but he was glad for the boy's absence.

Wrinkling his nose at the description, Albus sat on the arm of the couch nearest his husband's head. "Hey, James…?" he interrupted, his brother tilting his head in question. "Are you guys pregnant again?" he asked, unable to keep the shit-eating grin from his lips.

"Oh, come on, man!" James bellowed, smacking the arms of the chair. "It was supposed to be a surprise!" His tone said he wanted to be angry, but the grin on his lips spoke of his glee.

Reaching up to thread his fingers in with Albus', Scorpius teased, "Don't the two of you ever use protection?"

James responded by throwing a pillow at the couple, too happy to be offended. "Dude, if the universe wants us to have a baby, we are going to have a baby. That 'protection' shit is nonsense."

Her eyes wide, Miana looked up quickly at her uncle. "No!" she yelled, pointing an accusing finger in his direction. "That was a bad, bad word! Papa, put him in a time out!"

Grinning, Scorpius closed his eyes and shrugged like there was nothing he could do. "You heard her, James. You're in time out. That's a four-minute swear."

Miana jumped up off the floor, standing authoritatively in front of James. "You are in time out, Mr. Nerf-Herder!"

"Um…." Albus and Scorpius' eyes met in slight concern accompanied by a shared laugh. "Mia? Where's Uncle Lou?" Al asked softly, feeling a reprimanding may be in order.

She pointed towards the front door, her eyes never once leaving James. She even slapped a hand over his mouth when he tried to speak. "No talking in time out! Uncle Lou has a business call."

"I'll handle it," Albus chuckled, pressing his lips to his tired husband's forehead. "You just…stay there and make sure your little one stays in control." He stood, squeezing Scorpius' fingers lightly before going out the front door. Sitting on the bottom step of the porch, a cigarette between his fingers, Louis looked up and gave a small wave. Al closed the door quietly behind him and took a seat beside his cousin.

"No, listen….  _Listen_  to me, Barry." Louis sighed and rolled his eyes as the person on the other end kept speaking. He blew smoke out on a harsh sigh and ashed his cigarette impatiently. "I don't care! It  _has_  to be him, okay? It has to be an American actor and it  _has_  to be him. I really don't care that he's on that show that's been on for like…thirty years." He paused, frowning and digging his the cigarette butt into the snow at his feet. "Okay, I do care. Thirty years, Barry. That's a long time for a show to run! And it's an excellent show. But…maybe he should take a small leave because I  _want him_  for this movie. I  _need him_. And you need to make it work. Capiche?" Most likely because it was Christmas and Louis' assistant wanted some time away from his workaholic casting director boss, but after that the phone call ended rather quickly. And Louis didn't seem too thrilled. "I'm fairly sure my demands aren't  _that_  hard to meet," he sighed and quickly lit another cigarette.

Having a feeling that he'd gone through too many already, Albus reached over and pulled it from his fingers. He took a long drag, claiming it for his own. "Sometimes they are, Lou."

Slipping the phone in his pocket, Louis made a heavy sound and let his head fall into his hands. "Yeah…I know…."

Rubbing the man's back in comfort, Albus said softly, "Guess what Miana just called James." Expression questioning, Louis tilted his head so he could see the other man better. "She called him Mr. Nerd-Herder." Almost instantly, Louis dissolved into a fit of laughter. He laid back across the rest of the steps, rubbing at his tear-filled eyes. "No more  _Star Wars_ , Lou. Just…no more! I don't even know how to punish her for that!" He joined in one the giggle fit, shaking his head in bewilderment.

In almost a flash, Louis jumped up into a standing position and flew back inside. Albus hastily put the cigarette out under his shoe and called after him to come back.

"Hey, Puddle Jumper!" Louis called into the house, instantly gaining Mia's attention just as she was 'allowing' James out of time out. "Daddy wants to take away your  _Star Wars_!"

Screaming like she'd just been cut, Miana dove to the floor and tackled her Princess Leia doll. The one Louis had ordered special-made for her from some Muggle toy company. The one she had seemed to grow extremely attached to since receiving it that morning. (The one that was apparently more important to her than any of the nice clothes and toys her fathers had given her before or after it.) "No, Daddy, no! You can't! Please don't!" There were actual tears of devastation in her eyes that caused Albus a great deal of discomfort.

"Superb job handling it, Allie," Scorpius mumbled from his half-asleep state on the couch. He peeked an eye up at his husband, a degrading sneer tickling to break through.

Rubbing at his temple and giving Louis the dirtiest of looks, Albus sank down to the floor in front of his daughter. "I'm not going to," he said soothingly, pushing a tear-stained curl away from her face. "Just…don't call people nerf-herders, okay?" She nodded weakly, still clutching the doll to her chest as it wracked with sobs. Al threw a dirty look back at his cousin, knowing he had done this on purpose for this exact reason. He knew Albus would cave if he saw how much it affected his daughter.

Louis played dirty. But he also played smart.

"Christmas breakdowns really are your area of expertise, aren't they, Allie?"

Another jab at his mental health, this time intentional.

Groaning, Albus turned very slowly to level a death glare across the room. Normally he didn't mind seeing Devan, but right now…. "Do you mind? Personal parenting matter in progress here." The man only leaned against the wall in response and winked at his ex. Like he didn't mind one bit, standing there and watching it unfold. Hanging his head in frustration, Albus muttered down towards Mia, "If you get up and act fine right now…I'll let you have two helpings of dessert later…."

Albus was lucky his daughter reacted so well to bribery. Her tears instantly dried and she was grinning ear-to-ear as she sat up. "Okay, Daddy!" she giggled, kissing his cheek before skipping off like nothing had even happened.

"Do those tactics work on pre-teen girls, as well?" Devan asked from his observer's point. He was wearing a smile that practically oozed charm and honesty. Through the last ten years, they had learnt to be friends. They almost had no choice, what with his current marriage to Rose.

Shortly before Scorpius and Albus were set to get married, Devan disappeared. They were all worried for months, always on the lookout for a sign of his whereabouts. Just before the wedding, however, they received a postcard from him. He explained in only a few sentences his need to find himself.

After that, they didn't see or hear from him in a year. When he walked in that next Christmas, he was almost unrecognizable. His hair was cut shorter than it had been and had taken on a darker quality from the length. The scruff upon his face had become a full beard that made him look oddly more put-together. In addition to his further toned muscles, his entire body seemed to have filled out. He was definitely eating, having found strength enough to love himself better along his travels. The most notable difference, though, had absolutely nothing to do with the way he looked or the sure way he carried himself. It was all about the little girl who has his deep blue eyes that clutched to his leg, sucking her thumb as she took in everyone who stared.

As Devan explained his travels and how whole he felt, he looked like he could cry from true happiness. He talked of all the places he had seen with such reverie, but in the end admitted that he felt like something was missing in his life. It was why he had decided to track down this little girl six months ago. The little girl he had never known before, but knew he needed in his life. Her name was Ruth and she was the daughter his ex-girlfriend had given away without giving him time to know if he wanted her first. Luckily enough for him, she was still in an orphanage. A few families had tried to adopt her, but something always kept them from being able to. "It was like fate had intervened," he said, "in order to keep her safe for me. Every time."

Having been single for the last two years after her nasty break-up with Frankie, Rose latched onto Devan's every word. Rose found her heart melting at the story. She couldn't keep herself from Devan's side the entire time, chatting up little Ruth enough to gain her trust. The three became inseparable after that. They were friends and nothing more for quite some time, but every single one of them secretly harbored a need for something more. One night, the boundaries Rose had felt were necessary broke. She found herself in a deep kiss with the restored man and it was all a downhill slide from there. The two eloped shortly thereafter, taking the daughter they claimed as theirs together off on a wild vacation in Africa to celebrate.

They were reckless and hopelessly happy. Albus couldn't have wished anything better for both of them, his best friend and a man he still held a semblance of love for. They were good together and Ruth was exactly what they both needed to keep them grounded.

"I'll let you know in six years," Albus said softly, crossing the room with one look back at his husband. Somehow Scorpius had managed to actually fall into a soft slumber. Nodding towards the kitchen, where everyone else seemed to have decided was the place to be, Albus walked off.

Also throwing a look back at Scorpius, Devan sidled up beside where Rose was pouring glasses of the wine she brought with. "Engaging morning?" he questioned Albus, winking for emphasis that wasn't even necessary.

Aware of his ears flaming up to a brilliant scarlet, Albus shrugged and accepted a glass. "He, uh…has been putting a lot of time in at the shop…."

Everyone in the room, knowing full-well the sign of Albus' lies, erupted into thrilled laughter. He blushed even darker, wasting no time in downing the entirety of his glass.

So far, it was a typical holiday. And Albus really had no reason to believe that would change. He was happy and in his right mind. Those he treasured most in his life were here (most of them in this room). Yes, they were making jokes at his expense – but he was sure things wouldn't feel right if they didn't. He was a bit different than all of them. But they were also a bit different than one another. His brother had a cooky family, one of his cousins enjoyed making him seem like Big Bad Daddy, the other married his ex-boyfriend and always seemed proud of saying it that way, his mother was lonely, his father couldn't stop shagging his partner for long enough to show up places on time, and his husband took full advantage of catching a nap wherever he could. They were a strange bunch.

But they were a family and in the end, that was all that mattered. They had been through a lot together. But they still managed to get together and enjoy holidays with those they held dearest. Smiling softly to himself, Albus absorbed into the background as another conversation was started.

It wasn't perfect. It never would be. But there were days where things got dangerously close. There were those days where nothing went wrong and he knew that his life was the best it could be. He didn't even know how to ask for more on those days. And the other days? The ones where things just didn't  _click_?

They didn't matter.

In the end, all that mattered were moments like these. The ones where it was okay to sit on the outside and observe. The ones where he would notice the loving glances his brother would give his girlfriend when she might not be paying attention. The ones where he could see just how much of his unused love his cousin would pour into other people. Namely into Al's own daughter. The ones where a smile would flicker over his lips as his husband's soft snores drifted in from the other room. And where those noises were interrupted by an unruly little boy kicking a ball square into his husband's chest.

It didn't matter if things weren't perfect. Perfect was a useless construct, anyway. Life for Albus was…amazing, and rough, and sometimes devastating, and always intriguing. Albus loved his life and those currently in it. He would never wish things to be different these days. And he thanked the universe every single day for the hardships he had experienced in the past. It all had added up to give him this.

And he loved this.


End file.
